Carolina Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas!

And now, without further ado, "The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives". You have time to watch this.

About to Leave?

Here I go, everybody. I'm throwing stuff into a couple of bags, headed to the gym, then I'm headed to the airport.

But since there are flurries in Chicago, it looks like there are going to be MASSIVE delays.

But please don't worry about me, y'all. I've got a book or two, an iPod full of Christmassy tunes, and video games to beat the band. So please, don't worry. I'll be fine.

The next time you hear from me, I'll be headed toward a Cackalakee Christmas.

Wonderful

THIS is what's wrong. THIS is what's wrong with EVERYTHING in America. The New York Times has spoken and decided it really WOULD have been better if George Bailey had never been born. Pottersville looks like more fun than Bedford Falls? Is this a JOKE?

Some Play About a Bird part II

If you miss this production, please, please don't slash your wrists.

In fact, count yourself among the fortunate.

Dreary, bleak, and dull are only the first of many many MANY words that come to mind when describing not only this PLAY, but this particular production.

The moral of the story seems to be "the hell you know is a WHOLE lot better than the hell you don't--and if you go chasing after that 'greener grass' there's a VERY good chance you'll spend 85% of the second act sitting around in a mostly bare drawing room with peeling, mouldy old wallpaper saying, 'Remember how much happier we were back when we thought we were so unhappy? Yeah. Those were the days.' (kills self)".

Not a bad bit of moral.

It's precisely the same moral Dorothy learns at the end of the MGM version of 'the Wizard of Oz' ("If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I'll know not to look any further than my own backyard...because if it isn't there I never really lost it to begin with") although the film's moral is a bit of a false one since MGM's Dorothy wasn't running away from home to seek fame and fortune (as Nina does in "the Seagull") but to protect the life of her dog from the dog-hater who lives down the street ("He practically gave me rabies!").

So props to Anton Chekov for cranking out a rather vivid life lesson that we all should take to heart.

However, unlike Dorothy who got to learn this lesson by leaving the dustbowl and going on a fun-filled adventure in a technicolor world of whimsy and weirdos, we must trudge through three hours of checking our watches and wishing "The Drowsy Chaperone" was still playing as this play more than adequately fulfills the stereotype set forth in that old Gershwin tune, "With love to lead the way I found more skies of gray than any Russian play could guarantee". And like the title of that song, this play was Not For Me.

I mean, I know the economy is in the pits or whatever, but couldn't we TRY to make the lake scenes a LITTLE pretty? We have to sit through three hours of this. Can't we have one set piece that's not in muted tones? Everyone's talking about how absolutely gorgeous the lake is, but all we get is a couple of ham-tacular and, at times, anachronistic actors (I'm looking at YOU, Kristin Scott) telling us how pretty it is as they look out over the audience with a dirty blank wall behind them and a pair of grotesque, withered 'Nightmare Before Christmas' trees framing them. And we just have to take their word for it that it is, in fact, breathtakingly beautiful out there.

For goodness' sake. Broadway uses the audience for so many things--lakes, oceans, sunrises, sunsets, Bali Hai, the Titanic--I'm about ready to demand we be listed in the program as part of the set.

But the gravest offense of all...

This production features the first performance I've EVER seen that made me--I'm NOT kidding--physically gag when the actor opened his mouth to speak. No, really. I actually gagged at this one point when he started speaking and I wasn't ready for it. His voice was so unpleasant, his characterization so appalling, his costume so dreadful...the whole package, the whole kit 'n' kaboodle...everything about this guy's performance was enough to make me very nearly throw up in my lap.

I'm not exaggerating. And Lawd Geeziz, I wish I wuz.

I'm not going to say whose performance it was as I don't want to hurt this actor's feelings when he google searches himself (and we all DO). But if you've seen it, you KNOW who I'm talking about.

Go see the Rockettes instead. I'll take those long legs over Russian drear and dispair any damn day of the ding-dong decade.

Snow

I went to bed last night all excited that I would wake up this morning and wake up to find New York City transformed into a snow-covered Christmas Wonderland.

Well, morning is here. And what I wanna know is

WHERE'S MY CHRISTMAS WONDERLAND?!?!?!

Some Play About a Bird

I'm about to go see what bored audiences are calling the most high-falutin' production of Joe B. Chekov's play "The Seagull" to be produced in our generation. The cast features a slew of prim British actors who promise to make this evening's production veddy, VEDDY siddius.

Pray for me now and at the hour of my viewing.

Churchy Christmas

So here's what happened at the St. Thomas Christmas Party. Holiday Party. Wait, no. I think this really was a Christmas Party. I got SO drunk.

No I didn't.

Well, maybe a little. Maybe JUST a teeny touch.

My hair is wet because I just came from the gym. I was lifting logs. It was difficult.

Watch. Enjoy. Meet all my friends.

Christmas!

Write a letter to Santy and tell him to stay in his shanty this year, because once you hear these Yuletide tunes you won't need him!

I hope you all enjoy this entirely homemade assortment of Christmas songs that were whipped up right here in the bedroom of my little Hell's Kitchen apartment in those skant moments when my noisy Puerto Rican neighbors were at work and the renovators were taking a smoke break! They buzz, they plunk, and I go sharp! It's a Forkulele Christmas miracle!

It's still a work in progress so downloading isn't available just yet. However, if you like what you hear and just HAFTA have it on your Christmas Playlist NOW, let me know and I'll do my best to .zip you the entire album...including two bonus songs that those on my Christmas card list can look forward to!

So break out the eggnog, the candy canes, and the protein bars (just for me!) and get ready to have your very own Forkulele for Christmas!

Click here to go there!

Gay Pyro Group Plans 'Flaming Christmas'

Amsterdam, Netherlands - A group of Nazi transsexual commie pyromaniacs said Monday that it has planned its first-ever "Flaming Christmas" which will feature a living nativity scene set ablaze while goose-stepping shepherds sing "It's Raining Men".

Other attractions will include Nazi transsexual commie pyromaniac-themed films, a bake sale, and having the animal tail of your choosing surgically attached to the end of your spine.

Daphne Van Der Slut, a self-made "shemale" and organizer of "Flaming Christmas" said the purpose of the event is to spread awareness and to provide choices for Nazi transsexual commie pyromaniacs during Christmas.

"At this time of year, there just isn't anything for Nazi Transsexual Commie Pyromaniacs to do," said Van Der Slut.

"Nobody likes caroling, eating delicious Christmas treats, going to parties with friends, visiting with loved ones, drinking eggnog, watching 'It's a Wonderful Life'. These things do nothing but make the Nazi Transsexual Commie Pyromaniac feel isolated and alone when their life choices must be embraced and celebrated by all."

"If you're a Nazi Transsexual Commie Pyromaniac at Christmas, there aren't a lot of options."

The three Christians in Amsterdam, who fled the city without turning around to look back, accused Van Der Slut of hosting this event "'cause he/she's insecure and wants to be antagonistic."

Van Der Slut insists this is not the case.

"Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion anymore," he/she said. "It's about love and families and, my favorite thing, Santy Claus. And shoes."

"As long as Christians are allowed to exist, Nazi Transsexual Commie Pyromaniacs will feel sad that they aren't seen as 'normal' and will perceive that they are being judged by people who call them 'freak' and 'crazy' and 'feather boa'."

The flaming manger, which will also feature the Christ Child surrounded by shepherds who are all card-carrying members of NAMBLA, will be set ablaze nightly beginning at 6:66 on December 21st.

"Christmas should be about loving yourself and celebrating the fact that you're a cracked and broken person desperately in need of help--and crushing those who think you ought to do something about it."

Van Der Slut went on to say, "Me me me. Me me me me me. Me me me. Me. Me me me me me. Me me me me me me me. Me me. Me. Me me."

Organizers of "Flaming Christmas" hope the event will act as a reminder to the world that Amsterdam is Nazi transsexual commie pyromaniac-friendly, particularly after recent decline in Nazi transsexual commie pyromaniac tourism to the city.

Nofriendoland Party

It's a little lame, but hey. This was the party!

Christmess

I don't think I have to tell you that this is the most un-Christmassy year of all time.

I mean, what with the Election that Wouldn't Stop, the Moneytime Meltdown of NYC, That Wacky Taj, and me being naked almost every day this entire year (I KNOW!!), not to mention my total ab-session with this new log-lifting class, my parents uprooting from Texas, my sister preggers again, my brother still miles away, me about to turn 29 and a bevy of billowing cumulonimbus formations rumbling rapidly towards us as the horizon continues to darken...

I mean, I can't believe we haven't all just cancelled Christmas already. Forget this. There's no Tickle Me Elmo this year. There's no Wii. There's nothing. Nothing to wrap in glossy paper but a greasy, lumpy, cold helping of DOOM.

But it's not over yet. I still have my iPod. And tonight, nothing is going to stand in my way from smacking it with a Christmas playlist DAMMIT.

This Christmas s#it just got real.

Say Cheeeeeese

Not to be insensitive, but it kinda seems a little bit...I dunno. Pointless?

My Response

My response to an email conversation betwixt a few of my friends about how to fix conservativism:


All this is teddibly interesting, I'm sure, but it pales compared to what's going on down here at my first ever gig at the infamous freak show known as the New York Academy of Art.

The "girl" modeling next to me (I know!! A surprise double-booking!) has tattoos covering every inch of her anorexic body. And she has a cold.

When I was in college I never dreamed my life would end up like this...

Hopechange. Babies are the future.

A Thanksgiving for Fork

The Parade





The Eating

The Best Things in Life Are Free

Most awesome thing said by a panhandler in the subway: "Life is short. You're not gonna live forever. And you can't take your money with you. So give it to me."

He got MY imaginary quarter, I'll tell you that.

Taking Requests!

Almost finished with the forthcoming 'A Forkulele for Christmas' album but I still have time to do a couple more songs. Any requests? Is there a Christmas tune out there that you've just gotta have to make your Christmas merry?

Let me know ho ho!

Stop Going to the Gym

So I've been hitting the gym a lot lately.

I'm taking this new class that's supposed to be the "next big thing" in fitness. It kicks your butt. You lift logs and stuff.

And in the three weeks of taking the class and upping my protein and caloric intake, my body has undergone a nice little change that makes me glad I bought a couple of muscle shirts the last time I was at the Gap.

Or...I WAS glad.

I'm in a staged reading of Henry V at Well Ain't We Fancy Shakespeare Company. There are lots of fun, goofy, clowny roles in the show.

But I'm not playing any of them. No, they put me in the role that, if Kenneth made the movie version today, he would have probably given to Orlando Bloom.

It's the first time in a VERY long time I've played a Shakespearean character who wasn't a loveable misfit full of quirks and gags. I find myself puffing my chest out more. I glower through furrowed brows. I breathe heavily so as to appear earnest and worried.

Meanwhile, the five guys playing the clowns get all the laughs. And I have to yuk it up as Henry's whiny cousin.

And it's all because I just HAD to wear one of those Gap muscle shirts to the friggin' audition.

So let this be a lesson to all of you. If you want to have fun in this life, stop working out. Enjoy your skinny arms, your flabby gut, your saggy bottom. Because it is those things that will make you quirky. And you'll get cast in the flashy comic roles. And the audience will love you.

Meanwhile, those of us with shirt-straining pecs and biceps are stuck playing lame-ass soldiers.

LOLcats: Do Not Want

Since a lot of you don't know what the LOLcats are, I've decided to post some periodically. They're pretty much funny pictures (mostly of cats) with silly captions that are meant to look like the cat, with its limited grasp of English grammar and syntax, got to a computer and typed it up.

This one is particularly useful. And popular! Don't be surprised if you put a plate of chopped liver before this Fussy Fork and he shoves it away saying, "DO NOT WANT!"

Hey, that sounds like some kind of protest/campaign slogan. I can just imagine mobs of cats hitting the streets with signs and banners, chanting, "DO-NOT-WANT! DO-NOT-WANT!"

New York Winter

There's a problem with wintertime in New York City.

You bundle up in three layers of clothing so you won't freeze to death on your way to wherever it is you're going to...

And when you get there, they always have the temperature set to Volcano Heat. And there you are in three layers of clothing.

All My Sons

I saw the new Broadway revival of Arthur Miller's brilliant American tragedy All My Sons tonight.

I sat in my chair at the Shoenfeld Theatre, gripping the armrests, rolling my program, fiddling with my pencap...completely and utterly spellbound. Spellbound by this play--this play that I was supposed to have read in college I don't know HOW many times but never did. Dianne Weist's understudy was good! John Lithgow was positively wrenching! The production, in fact, was so superb, it made me question my place in this big, dumb thing we call The Theatre. It really did.

But as I sat there, another thought passed through my mind. One that eclipsed all the others.

Here was I, watching this play on a drizzly New York fall night...

And somewhere...out there...




Tom Cruise...is REAL.

That's all any of us were thinking! Oh my gosh. That kid is married to Tom Cruise. And she's RIGHT THERE. She's real. He must be real too.

I mean--do you guys see what I'm saying here? If Katie Holmes is real--and she is, I SAW her--then THAT means somewhere out there, there really IS a short, dreamy, sexually confused Scientologist movie star who made that cute girl give him a baby named Suri and jumps on couches and thinks medicine is bad.

I mean...he's not just some image on the Talky Box anymore. He's a real person that you can touch.

And once you come to terms with that, you have to ask, What does he DO?? If he's REALLY REAL, does he do really real things? Like, does he send her flowers to every performance? Does he call her up after every show to ask how it went and make small talk? Did he run lines with her in Beverly Hills? Did he offer up criticism of the play's fictional family, suggesting, perhaps, that these are the sorts of things that happen to people who take aspirin and don't follow Lord Xenu?

It boggles the mind.

gChat

Me: Dude, Guy. I'm serious. We NEED to be in shape so we can run away from Big Government when it starts coming after us. AND we need to be ready to help the Rebel Alliance by acting as rooftop couriers when the Fairness Police hit the streets. I mean, seriously.

Guy: that's right. well. i might have to be the guy in the computer hub
that monitors everything. you can do the running

me: Cool! We need to give you a cool name then. Like Zip. Or USB. Something that sounds like a computer term.

Guy: i can install computer viruses in the O-copters and stuff

me: YES!!!!!!! So what's your code name? Zap? Trig? Piper?

Guy: Trig?

me: I like Trig.

Guy: like Trigonometry?

me: YES! But it's cool because it's like Palin's baby! He's the baby of hope! You're so Trig. Like the maths.

Guy: so what's your name?

me: Well, we could use my porno name. Rex Cherryhill. "Get out of there Rex!" Or Jake Fortune. That's my pirate name.

Guy: i thought you said no to the erotica

me: Wait...no surnames. Just first names. Well, the girl in 'Mirror's Edge' is named Faith. I think it's supposed to be some sort of metaphor. So maybe we should do something like that?
Rex is king, right? Wait, no! Pax!

DUUUUUUUDE!

"Pax! Get outta there!"

That's pretty rad.

Guy: Pax and Trig?

me: Yeah! But we need someone else.

Guy: yeah

me: I think three is good. Like, you can be the computer guy, I can be the runner, and someone else is like, the spec-ops. You have to have a spec-ops.

Guy: but who?

me: We may have to use Dann Bang. Because we could just use his name because it's already awesome.

Guy: but he's with the enemy

me: WHAAAAAAAAAT?!

Guy: he's an o-bot

me: That's SO TRAGIC IT'S PERFECT! He TOTALLY double-crosses us!

Guy: hahaha

me: "Bang! --HOW?!"

"Sorry Trig. I needed the scratch!"

"But you can't! What about the Fairness Police?--Obamalosi?"

"I never cared about those guys! I was just looking out for number one all along!"

DAMN BANG!

Guy: YES DAMN BANG!

me: "Trig! Trig, this is Pax! What's going on there?"

"It's--it's Bang! He's double-crossed us! He's gone O-gue! (like rogue)

"What?! Are you sure?!"

"I've got the gunshot wounds to prove it!"

"DAMN BANG! I'll get him for you! What are his coordinates?"

"He's destroyed all my equipment--it'll take hours for me to get this up and running again--but I planted a tracking device on his iPhone!"

"Sweet! I'm on my way!"

CHAPTER END

Guy: of course the villain carries an iphone

me: Yes. Apple is expensive. And villains have lots of money from their various capers. Wait. No. WE have the capers. The villains use the Fairness Police to get their Apple products.

Guy: right and google gave all the information to the gov't
so we can't use them

me: Does this mean we have to use Yahoo?

Wonderful World

If you don't want this song forever ruined for you, don't watch this video.

Funny

A buddy of mine observed that, with Obama's victory, it is the Democrats who will become targets of ridicule and satire out of sheer necessity to fill the void left by George W. Bush.

I just didn't realize it would happen so soon!


Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

A Word of Caution

Okay. It's over. Christmas came and we didn't get a Nintendo game. We got a bulk package of 8 Jumbo-Size (equal to 24 regular rolls!) Ultra Strong Charmin toilet paper instead.

I'm fine. We'll hold our heads high and move on. After all, that's why God invented birthdays.

That said...

I can abide a lot of things.

But if you want to talk trash about Sarah Palin...MY Sarah Palin...do so at your own peril.

I mean it. My ire is up and this s#it will get very real very quickly.

The Cachinnator is a good, hard working leader in Wackytown. The work he's done there has transformed the city. And he posed for a publicity photo without knowing his zipper was down.

My mother is a good, hard working leader in the Cackalakee state government. She fights every day to protect the poor people of her state. And she did a television interview without getting the chance to touch up her make-up first.

Sarah Palin tried to play nice with Katie Couric and walked away having said a couple of dumb things--oh yeah, and she doesn't think we should kill babies. Does that mean she's anti-intellectual?

Does this mean my mother is anti-pretty?

Or that the Cachinnator is anti-pants?

No. It means they're people. And if you spend two minutes with them, you know that they are GOOD people. They have worked very hard to do the right thing. When they speak, they speak with courage and conviction and with a desire to make their communities better places. You look at their character and know that they are the GOOD GUYS.

The Cachinnator has been smeared by people in his town who have accused him of being one of the "racist, rich Wackytown elite". My mother has been exposed to the same sort of blind hatred by ignorant people who think she's "inexperienced" and "overpaid" for the twelve hour days she works to protect her very attackers. Likewise, Sarah Palin has been blasted by people (friends included!) who think she's a dizzy airhead and the "anti-woman".

You may not agree with everything they've done. You may think they're fools. You may think they're stupid. You may think they have funny accents. Welcome to America. That's your right.

But it's also my right to say that if you should be so desirous as to imply that they are bad people, stupid people, ugly people, greedy people, pornographers or spin-masters, BE FOREWARNED--you will find yourself on the receiving end of a very, VERY pointy Fork.

Forkulele Friday: As We Stumble Along

Just thought I'd move this post back to the top in case some of you missed it the first time. It's a song from my favorite show, 'The Drowsy Chaperone' AND it's the first Forkulele song to be recorded with a tenor ukulele! Sounds nice huh?

As the lead character in the show says, this is a "little tune to carry with you in your head...for when you're...feeling blue..."

I thought this song was rather appropriate given what happened and where we are all headed. This Forkulele song is specifically for those of us who may be a little disappointed and even a bit frightened for our country. As you go about your business today, if things seem bleak, just hum a few bars of this song. It'll help! Honest!

As always, click here to go there!

The Difference

I've made an important discovery.

This...



is not the same...

as this.



Unfortunately, the bulk size package of Mega-Jumbo Ultra Strong rolls is what's sitting in my bathroom right now. Which means I'll be stuck with the red ones until June of 2009.

Unless I put em on the curb for a homeless guy.

Is that cruel?

Some Final Shots

Why do I need to say it when it's already been said so well?

My man, Mark Levin--oy gevalt!

and...

from yesterday's New York Post--this pretty much sums it up:

Americans go to the polls tomorrow for what will be their most critical presidential choice in a generation. Not since 1980 has the contrast between the candidates been so stark - or the dangers of a wrong selection more worrisome.

Early on, The Post endorsed Sen. John McCain's presidential candidacy, citing his lifelong record of service, his courage and his clear grasp of the problems and threats facing this country.
Since then, the subprime-mortgage crisis and Wall Street's woes have supplanted national security as the campaign's principal issue.

All the more reason, frankly, to cast a vote for John McCain.

Barack Obama's record is as devoid of substance today as it was when his campaign began. Behind his soaring eloquence lies a tissue-thin resume and some disturbing personal associations.

Moreover, he and his running-mate, Joe Biden, represent a Democratic Party overly obligated to special interests like trial lawyers and rapacious public-employee unions.

Even as the economy is being rocked, Obama advocates a fundamental rewriting of the tax code that - far from cutting taxes for "95 percent" of Americans, as he promises - would dramatically raise tax rates, coupled with $650 billion in tax-credit-driven hikes in entitlement and other spending.

And that is likely just the starting point - with the Nancy Pelosi-Harry Reid Congress pushing hard to enhance the handouts while raising taxes further and slashing defense spending.
It is, in fact, on defense and national security that the differences between McCain and Obama are especially clear.

Simply put, McCain gets it - and Obama doesn't.

McCain, for example, knew that a pacified Iraq was critical to victory in the War on Terror. Obama, despite campaign-driven rhetoric, seems barely to believe that the war needs to be fought.

To be sure, Obama's election as America's first African-American president would be a huge historic milestone.

Moreover, he has undeniably created a genuine sense of excitement among his supporters, many of whom were previously uninvolved in the political process.

All that's to be admired.

But these times demand genuine, tested and principled leadership and experience - of the sort that John McCain has demonstrated in a lifetime of public service.

As Obama's opponents during the primaries - including Joe Biden - repeatedly warned, the presidency is no place for on-the-job training.

Nothing that has transpired over the past several weeks makes us any less certain that John McCain has what it takes to be a successful president of the United States - and that Barack Obama simply does not.

We urge Americans to pull the lever for McCain tomorrow

Watch the Birdy!

What a classy guy!

This Guy

Holy crap. This guy is fantastic. He's a conservative talk radio guy in New York City. Set some time aside this weekend to listen to this.

Breaking News! Election '08

Mystery Candidate Enters Presidential Race
Spit-Spot Woman Blows Competition Away
by Fork deForque

WASHINGTON - With only a few days to go before Election Day, the war for the White House has become increasingly tense. But things are about to be shaken up considerably as a new, entirely unknown candidate has appeared in this, the 2008 election's eleventh hour, and literally blown all other candidates away.

"I was standing on the front lawn," says Mick McTavish, groundskeeper for the White House, "when there was a strong gust of wind from the east. I looked up, and there she was standing on the front steps with an umbrella and carpet bag. Can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I fear what's to happen has happened before."

According to McTavish, the mystery woman, who later introduced herself as Poppins, surveyed the exterior of the building and declared, "It's not exactly Buckingham palace, but it's clean." She then declared to astonished onlookers that she would be in charge of the country until the direction of the wind changed.

"This changes everything," Dale Sondergaard, political analyst, told reporters. "At first it seemed like Sarah Palin was Obama's biggest rival. But ever since this Poppins woman appeared on the scene, the most extraordinary things seem to have come over the White House."

While Obama has been criticized for acting like he's already won the election and preparing to take over the White House, Poppins has beat him to the punch and already moved in. The Bushes will be spending the rest of George W.'s term in a Motel 6.

But America wants to know. Who is this mystery candidate?

Poppins recently held a press conference in the Oval Office. When asked what party she belongs to, Poppins responded tartly, "There shall be no parties until this country is spic and span."

"She's practically perfect in every way," said George Spencer, political analyst. "Just as this election became gray and ordinary, Poppins made the sun shine bright."

But is Poppins the type of person Americans really want leading their country?

"We recently conducted a poll asking Americans what they wanted out of their next president," said Spencer. "Of traits most desired, 100% of Americans requested that, for the candidate who wants this choice position, the candidate must have a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, no warts (I put that part in), play games--all sorts, take Americans on outings, give them treats, sing songs, bring sweets--the list goes on."

"This woman fits the bill in every category. I've never seen anything like it. These are issues that are very important to the American people right now. And she never smells of barley water."

There has been concern that this total unknown, who couldn't be farther removed from the Washington elite, will be able to handle the arduous job as President of the United States. Especially in light of her limited experience. While critics have attacked Sarah Palin for not having enough executive experience, previous to running for President the only job Poppins ever held was the position of nanny for a well-to-do British family at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.

"In every job that must be done," said Poppins in response to the question of why she has chosen to run for the Presidency, "there is an element of fun. You find the fun and, snap, the job's a game."

She accused the Obama campaign of making pie-crust promises to the American public. Easily made, easily broken.

Senator Obama, in his cavalier manner, brushed off the attack, saying, "Poppins is telling people she thinks this job is fun. She thinks it's all a game. What she's really doing is distracting voters from the things that matter to them like the economy. She's trying to cloud the issue with facts".

Later, however, he was overheard telling running mate Joe Biden, "We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."

Poppins immediately responded to the Senator by stating that Obama is "extremely stubborn and suspicious."

"I'd like to know where that hoity-toity you-know-what gets off saying things like that about my husband," said an enraged Michelle Obama, in a completely off-the-record interview. "This is the first time in my adult life I've been insulted by a housekeeper."

Poppins seemed somehow to know the attack was coming and no sooner had Michelle uttered those words than Michelle received an email from Poppins stating that Michelle is "rather inclined to giggle--doesn't put things away."

"The fact that she only has experience as a nanny totally works in her favor," said Liza Giordano, also a political analyst. "She's working class. She's understands the people. She's totally in touch with the issues facing Americans today. She understands family, she understands children, she's no-nonsense. We should cancel the election. America loves her. I love her. I won't let her go."

Some, however, are sceptical. Poppins recently sat down for an interview with Katie Couric.

The transcript of their short interview is as follows:

Couric: Poppins, we in the media insist that you tell us what magazines you read. As a nanny, you've probably spent all your time changing diapers and making beds. How do you stay informed on the events plaguing our once-great country?

Poppins: I will be asking the questions around here, Katherine. Don's slouch. Spit-spot. Close your mouth, please, we are not a codfish.

Couric: But you don't even have any references.

Poppins: I make it a point never to give references.

Poppins later announced that she was for the common people like "Bert the Chimney Sweep, Sidewalk Chalk Artist, or Whatever He Should Happen to Be Today".

"She's stealing all the thunder from Palin and Hillary and Obama. Put together," said Jerry Porter, reporter for Main Stream Media News Network. "It's impossible not to like her. We confronted her on rumors that she intends to redistribute wealth to creepy old bird ladies. She denied ever having said that even though we KNOW she's lying. But somehow, instead of being angry with her, everyone in the press conference was bewildered and delighted."

Even Ahmadinejad is powerless against Poppins' innumerable charms.

"At first, we in Iran laugh at 'the lady with the parrot umbrella'. She is weak nanny lady for babies. Then she appear on my doorstep and make me take medicine. But instead of tasting bad, it taste like baklava. Then Mary hold my hand, and I feel so grand.

"My heart start beating like big brass band. What is feeling?"

But in spite of her warm reception on the international stage, Poppins has been no stranger to scandal. While recent polls show her with a triple digit lead over Obama, the question of her place of birth has reared its head. Candidates running for President of the United States must be born in the United States. Poppins appears to have been born in either England or somewhere in the sky.

"That's a non-issue," said Sondergaard. "After all, everyone knows Obama was born in Kenya and he's still running."

William Moredumb of West Hollywood recently unveiled a highly controversial Halloween display on his front yard--with a mannequin dressed as Poppins hanging from the tail of a kite wrapped around its neck.

"I don't even really know who she is. Honestly, if I had to act like an adult for a second, I'd say she seems like a nice, hard-working person on all accounts. But she's not Obama, so I hate her and intend to disagree with every little thing she says and does. Like abortion. As a nanny, she probably loves children and doesn't want to allow us to abort them. She'll take away your right to choose. Yeah. Who does she think she is, telling us what we can do with our bodies? Does she think she's better than us?"

When asked to detail her abortion stance, Poppins explained that she never explains anything.

"I believe Mary Poppins is a potential threat to national security," said Donald Dissentor, Obama campaign co-supervisor. "She's a menace. And she's probably racist too. That carpet bag of hers. Have you seen the stuff she can fit in there? Hat racks, lamps, potted plants. How do we know she doesn't have a couple of nukes in there too?"

Senator Obama, in a recent rally at what used to be a swing state but is now 99% pro-Poppins said, "You can put lipstick on a talking, parrot-headed umbrella, but at the end of the day, it's still a talking...man, that's so cool. I'm sorry folks but that's friggin' awesome. Her umbrella talks."

But while Senator Obama has been clearly impressed with Poppins abilities and affects, that hasn't stopped his campaign from launching this ad about the "Poppins-ular" candidate which they hope will turn the tide.



The Poppins campaign has dismissed the ad as an example of the liberal media's attempt to demonize their candidate. The commercial has failed to make any noticeable dent in Poppins' almost magical lead.

For now, this election appears to be in the carpet bag. Poppins has changed the rules of the political game with her uncanny ability to set troubled Americans at ease, assuring them that practically perfect people never allow sentiment to cloud their reasoning.

"She's just what this country needs," said Nimber O'Werner, anti-protester. "She's incredible. She's more than incredible. She's supercalif--well. You know.

"No wonder that it's Mary that we love."

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

My Blackberry has decided what it wants to be for Halloween!

A phone from the late 90s or early 00s!

Remember those days?

That was back when all a cell phone could do was make phone calls. None of this fancy text messaging or email stuff.

I've tried to get my Blackberry to realize this is a terrible idea for a Halloween costume, but it's not listening to me. In fact, I think this new "Retro-Berry" is here to stay.

It won't listen to me. I've called friends. I've sought advice. I even, at one point of weakness, went to a store and said, "Give me an iPhone." (clerk stared blankly at me) "FULL PRICE!" (clerk's eyes went wide and a "Sir! Think about what you're SAYING!" dialogue ensued).

So the clerk, who was supposed to snicker as he took my money, basically bitch slapped me and told me to pull it together. It was then that I realized what I almost did. And I wept bitter tears.

Folks...I need email.

I need it like a fish needs the sea. Like a baby needs a diaper. Like a whore needs Jesus.

But it looks like I'm going to have to go without from here on out. When I'm on my breaks during those long modeling gigs, instead of sending emails or live-blogging, looks like I'll have to read a crappy book like this modern young thing.


Yeah. She looks THRILLED to be stuck with a back-issue of "Smart Set Magazine".

And I'm WAY ahead of you. I thought about groveling to my parents, pulling a "Prodigal Son's Christmas" and asking for my Christmas present now so I could buy the stupid toy--which, by the way, they seem to take GREAT delight in brandishing before my iGreedy eyes saying, "Hey! We just got these cool new phones! Isn't this the phone you want? Huh. That's interesting. Well, they sure are cool! It's so cool to have the phone that you want! Guess your parents are pretty cool now, huh?"

But no. I do not grovel. I won't do it.


Me: Just come out with it. Everyone else is so proud of me and thinks I'm great but because I don't have money you guys think I'm a loser.

They: Oh no, honey. You're not a loser. You're just not living up to your full we just don't think you're living up to your full potential.

Me: So...you don't think I'm a loser...you just think I'm a loser right NOW.

They: Get a real job.


















So yeah.

All that to say, if you send me an email, I won't get it until I get home and turn on my PC.

Or call me. Yeah.













Thanks.














McCain/Palin '08.

WAAAAAAAAA!

So I've been in a state of rather high stress of late. It's this election. This damn election!!

It occurred to me that Halloween is only...(wun, too, thre, frr...) NINE days away! GEEZE! Can you believe it!

Now I've already tried to get going with my Halloween tradishes. I ditched my PSP and my DS as subway entertainment in favor of a new Agatha Christie--which I think I may be able to figure out if she just gives me a couple more clues. That's the thing about Agatha. Once you know the rules to Poirot's "world", you can kind of figure out who's gonna do it--provided you think outside the box and think in terms of what would motivate a real person to committing murder.

All while playing by the Agatha Christie rules, of course.

But I'm getting away from why I'm writing this post.

So this Agatha Christie isn't really cutting it for me. I have to be honest. I love me some Dame Agatha, but this Halloween has got its work cut out for it if it wants to be a sufficiently scary one. And it's all because of this election. This damn election!

So here's what I did.

I bought a big bottle of wine.

I know. It makes me almost want to cry when I think of how fat the painters at the Janut school are making me. And a couple of glasses of red wine are only making things worse. BUT I HAD TO! I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE! It's this DAMN ELECTION!

So THEN...

I plunked down fifty digital dollars for the game video game critics all across the interwebz have declared, "Why, it's so scary...it'll scare yuh!"

It'll scare me, huh? It'll scare ME. Okay you probably plump video game critics with spotty complexions. Put your money where your mouth is! I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!

So it's a horror game in space. Like 'Alien'. It's called (distorted voice) DEAD SPACE.

I turned out the lights. My glass of wine was next to me. I booted up the game on my computer. I thought it was a little TOO snug in my bedroom. Hey, space is cold, right? So I cracked my little window and the cold, sooty New York City air blew in.

The mood was set.

I started my mission. It seems I am an intergalactic repairman. All communications on this distant mining ship have been cut. As my little ship puttered up to the darkened mining vessel and I was finally given control of my character, I walked to the main entrance and the impolite black woman who lives inside me said, "Oh heeell no! Don't you go in there!"

So began my journey. I found myself talking to the screen the entire time. But as the impolite black woman. It TOTALLY ruined the atmosphere.

There was a "dead" creature on the ground.

"HA! I'm not falling for THAT one!" I shot at the monster and it writhed around. Yes, it was actually alive and was waiting for me to get close so it could jump up and scare me. But now it was just frittering about and wailing--wailing as if to say, "Aw MAN! You ruined the surprise!"

"Sorry bitch. This ain't my first time at the third-person shooter rodeo."

The little black woman took over.

"I can't believe they gave me this shift! I better be making time and a half for dis!"

That's when I used my plasma blaster to rip through a particularly grotesque creature. Heh. I stepped on the elevator. "I bet that idiot is sorry he messed with--

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!








I totally wasn't expecting it. I stepped off the elevator and some...some THING jumped at my face, shrieking like a banshee. I YELLED at the computer screen.

Mission accomplished. Halloween can go on this year. I have been scared.

Apology

I have to apologize for the most recent post. I'm so afraid that I've pissed some of you off--I can't even bear to read the comments. I was tempted to remove it, but a little voice said I should leave it up. And I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.

I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything guys, honest. I'm not some Crazed Republican trying to sell the world on mooseburgers and creepy grins. All this came about because none of my Obama friends could tell me WHY I should be so gaa-gaa over him. So I did my own research and this is what I turned up. I just thought it was important to share so "the other side" could be presented.

And for those of you in the "lower 48", let me just tell you that NYC is not like Texas. You do NOT talk about Sarah Palin in public. You do NOT wear the little McCain/Palin '08 button your parents sent you. You have to be very careful about what you say here right now. You think I'm being melodramatic? Did this story make it to you guys?

I'm with the crazy assailant on this one. It's this election. Man--do I hear that.

So maybe all this is is I'm overcompensating for the fact that I feel like I'm being repressed by the passionate Obamaphiles of New York City. Bear with me. As I said earlier, this will all be over soon. Again, my apologies if I pissed anybody off. I'm REALLY sorry. That was not my intention.

UPDATE

THAT BEING SAID...

I still stand by that post.

The Big One

Okay. You're all wondering, "What the crap?"

Well, here it is. The Big One.

I'll try to refrain from making any more political posts outside of this one. If I just hafta say something, I'll try to put it in here.

So, without further ado--

THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

Every day I receive HUNDREDS of emails asking me, "Why, Fork, WHY are YOU--a full-time NUDE model and ACTOR who lives in NEW YORK CITY--why are YOU siding with "that retarded bitch" and her old letch?

Well, maybe because a vote for them is a vote NOT for "Scary Barry".

Maybe this is all just anti-Obama propaganda, but MAN. There's a LOT of it. And it's not just midly disturbing, it's full-on disturbing. Even if none of it is as extreme as is portrayed in these videos, the fact remains that the connections are there and, well, Barry has some 'splainin' to do.

I've found that understanding where Obama is coming from is not unlike understanding Mormonism. What I mean by that is that the vocabulary is the same--we use the same terms--but what we mean by them is often significantly different.

In order to understand why Obama takes the approach that he does, you have to begin with an understanding of how the country is viewed by a significant portion of the population.

A Good article here.

So now, let's look at the radical figures and groups who have had a significant influence on Barak Obama:

Frank Marshall Davis

Jeremiah Wright

Khalid Al-Mansour

Raila Odinga

ACORN

William Ayers


And that's not all! There's MORE! This website is kind of like the Disney World of "Case Against Obama" websites--you can't do it all in one trip.

Now I'm not saying I think McCain and Palin are perfect presidential candidates. Far from it. But what I AM saying is I believe they're a much less frightening than Barack Obama.

The purpose of this post isn't to smear Obama. I'm not trying to be hateful. I'm not trying to start a fight with my friends who DO like him. Also, I understand that a good number of those above videos wouldn't be scary at all if they just put some happier music in the background.

The purpose of this post is to simply ask "Who is Obama?" This is some of the stuff that I found when I asked that question and looked for answers. Obama is the media darling and has been shielded left and right from questions that I believe are perfectly reasonable. I think it's FAIR that we be aware of just who exactly this guy is.

Again, this is NOT an attack! It's just what I've uncovered! And even if one or two of these things is false, the fact remains that there's a whole lot more where that came from.

If this post makes you seethe with hatred, don't leave a comment, just close the window.

It will all be over in a few weeks anyway.

Still My Favorite Palin Article

"She is not just pro-life, she's anti-life. She is the suppression of human feeling and instinct." -Salon.com

Man--aren't we having FUN?!

(Oh yeah. This one's LAME. This is SO three weeks ago)

Retro Post Revisited: Whose Fault is it Anyway?

I wonder what the outcome would be if I ran this 42nd Poll from 2005 now, in 2008.

This is who won. Who would win today?

It's Over: the New Candidates

"It's-a Merica!"

All day long the mere thought of that campaign slogan made me smile.

I just ordered mine. Order yours before it's not as funny! Get behind the candidates who have done more for you than any of the Washington elite!

Go here! And on November 4th, be sure to cast your vote for Mario and Luigi Giordano!

Punctuality

I'm standing outside of the building where two of my friends are hosting a party.

Thing is, the party starts at 8. And it's 7:54 by Blackberry time.
Wait. 7:56.

It's never good to show up early to things like this. They're counting on the doorman *not* calling them till 8.

7:57.

It would be rude of me to go in now. I want their phone to ring and them to look at the clock and say, "It's 8! Must be party guests!" Not "It's almost 8. Looks like some jerk is early. And I'm not finished making the cocktail weenies."

7:58.




I'm not going to be that guy.




Come on clock.




Geeze, if this isn't the longest minute--AH! 7:59.

Okay. One more minute to go.

Or wait. Should I go in now? By the time the doorman announces me it'll be 8.

8:00.

Well. Don't have to make that decision anymore.

Punctuality. The pride of princes.

Jihad!

Muslim mothers, lock your children away.

Muslim fathers, sharpen your scimitars.

There's a new affront to your religion of peace.

It's offensive.

It's wrong.

But worst of all, it's...

Adorable.

"LittleBigPlanet", the hotly anticipated, dazzlingly reviewed, and doggonitly cute Playstation 3 game that's set to sit near the top of many a video game wish list this Christmas has been recalled due a song that plays in one of the many levels in the game. Muslim game reviewers spotted it and instantly wrote a letter to Sony demanding something be done about this grave offense.

The problem?

The song lyrics include two brief lines that just happen to be from the Qur'an.

"Oh. But they're offensive lines, right?" you're thinking. "It's that they used lines like, 'Death to infidels' and 'Allah demands a blood sacrifice' and 'Stone the man who looks at you the wrong way and throw his body from the highest height' right?"

Well, no. Nothing like that. They're pretty harmless lines, really. But that's not the problem. The problem is that they're...




...wait for it...




...set to MUSIC.


That's right! Not only is it an abomination to create a depiction of Mohammad, apparently it's ALSO an abomination to put the words of the Holy Qur'an to music.

Who knew?

Check it.

I shouldn't be too worried. I mean, after all, I've already secured my "LittleBigPlanet - Jihad Edition" print of the game from a Mom 'n' Pop video game shop in the Barrio that broke the release date (it's not supposed to be sold in stores until Monday--and now it's not supposed to be sold in stores at ALL. But more on that in a moment).

So I've got my copy. What do I care? Why write a post about something as stupid as this, especially since most of you don't play video games and probably aren't going to read this post. But I have to say--this news bugged me all day long. And now that I've actually PLAYED the game and seen just how freakin' cute the thing is, I'm even MORE annoyed. So allow me to rant a little and get this off my chest.

I'm a Christian. And as a Christian, I've come to terms with the fact that my religion will be the subject of ridicule and disdain by many many people. I've learned to tolerate things like

This.

This (which I think is pretty funny!)

And yes, even people like these who make the rest of us look like loons.

The thing is, if I can tolerate--not accept--if I can tolerate something as offensive as "Piss Christ", why the crap can't Muslims just deal with the Qur'an making a passing, POSITIVE appearance in the most adorable, harmless video game of 2008? Because it's their holy book and they don't like to see it desecrated? Okay fine. But what about all the times in movies and in life where the Bible is desecrated? What makes their holy book more holy than mine? Why is it okay to smear the Bible but the Qur'an is given a free pass? See how this works guys?

But MOST TELLING OF ALL is Sony's response!

Here's the follow up article.

Yes. The game is being delayed. Sony's biggest game of the Christmas season is being sent BACK so the song can be removed. They're bending over BACKWARDS to insure there aren't going to be any offended Muslims.

When was the last time a video game was recalled mere DAYS before its release because of content that offended a Christian?

It's the double standard here that's got my goat. I know. I KNOW. Do unto others. I should respect them the same way I would want to be respected.

But guys, the fact of the matter is, I have to tolerate "Piss Christ". Why? Because in America we're allowed to say stuff and present stuff that others might not agree with. And those of us who don't like it? Well, we can let it go or we can choose to disagree by writing blog posts about it. This is America. You're allowed (i.e. FREE) to do that.

But for some reason, when it comes to Islam, you don't mess around. You don't take the chance that you might piss some people off. No no. You don't give people that freedom. You halt the worldwide release of your smash video game and send it back to the printers. And you probably fire all the hard-working game designers who just wanted to make a fun game for the kids to play.

But then you stop and think about what started this mess. Setting two short verses from the Qur'an to music.

You've gotta be freakin' kidding me. Where do they come up with this stuff? Is there something in the Qur'an that says, "Oh, and don't you DARE make any of this into song lyrics. Or you'll pay!"

Seriously. Hasn't pop culture already covered this ground? I mean precisely the EXACT SAME GROUND? Why do I have to do a blog post about this??

On the bright side, this is boffo free publicity for the game.

Perspective

If you have 22 minutes and don't mind a little coarse humor, wait till your loved ones go to bed, grab a set of headphones and go here.

I've recently become a little bit of a fan of 'South Park'--a LITTLE bit of a fan. I *mostly* like what I see about 70% of the time. Nobody does biting social commentary like these guys and I think this is one of the best. This is the "election" episode and I think it kinda helps put things into perspective.

Just excuse the pop-up for the adult friend finder when you click play.

Full Frontal

So my day of nudity begins on Central Park East with this guy who has been called by various publications "the 21st Century Rembrandt". Except he keeps pushing the time back. So what I thought would be three hours is now two and then I got an email asking if we could start 30 minutes later.

So yeah. That kind of sucks because I've been sitting on this bench on the edge of Central Park when I could have slep in a little bit.

I had real trouble sleeping last night. Honestly, it's because of all those dag-blamed Facebook status updates my stupid actor friends made after the debate. Got me allllll riled up. Freakin' actor hippies, thinking the Wicked Witch was just "misunderstood". That really gets my goat.

It was 1 in the morning before I finally fell asleep.

And it was 2 in the morning when my next door neighbor started sawing something. Yes, sawing something very loudly up against my rice paper wall.

Yeah. I don't know either.

So after my meeting with Rembrandt, it's off to the Barrio once again to pose for the craptacular Janut Collective.

I'm going to have to do a whole 'nuther post on this place. But for now, just be satisfied with this: the room is extremely dark and the only light they have is the natural light coming in through a tiny shaft in the ceiling which is painted blue-grey. The light bounces off that and onto me. So in the color studies these students are doing I look blue. Like a Smurf.

And they're drawing me with a slight pot belly and zero muscle definition.

And that sent me into a doozy of a dither, let me tell you. You did *not* want to see me at the gym this morning as I shot dirty looks at all the meat-head body builders for whom this whole thing is just some effortless, high protein cakewalk.

And one of the older women at the school smells *strongly* of Old Lady Smell. And that's just not right.

Okay. I guess I don't have to do a st about the Janut Collective after all.

You Can't Know

You can't know what it's like up here.

You just can't know.

New York City isn't like everywhere else.

So if I get a little frantic between now and November 4th, please understand...it's not me.

It's this...CITY.

Sleepy Milk

I've been taking half of a sleeping pill the past few nights to help me want to go to sleep before 1.

So last night I thought, "Oh. I should take it with a little milk! They say a little milk before bed helps you fall asleep."

So rather than dirty a glass, I grabbed the carton of milk, popped the pill in my mouth, and took a gulp.

Only I don't think I swallowed the pill.

I think the pill went into the milk carton.

This could totally be the plot of a murder mystery.

whoa...

For the first time in almost 3 and a half years, when I shake my head nothing happens. It's lighter too. And stuff isn't always falling in my face.

Holy crap. What have I done?!

At last, I once again look like the Type A personality that, deep down, I've always been.

Haircut

Two days ago...

Today!

Whaddya think?

Wait...really?

REALLY?

Okay. Even if this is a bunch of propaganda, the fact remains that there's a major connection there.

Barry! You've got some 'splainin' to do!

You Say A Little Pray'r Fooooor Meeee

So I may soon be taking care of an enormous, rent controlled $700 a month apartment one and a half blocks off Times Square.

You remember Mrs. Yuck, don't you? That agéd poodle I took care of a couple of times for Looney Leena? Well, Looney Leena used to be a world-class, top-of-the-line executive assistant (think assistant to Trump's right hand man) but New York City got to her and she has since frittered away her inheritance on silly pursuits like baking classes, stage managing, and the like.

So she needs money. And serious money.

And it looks like it may be waiting for her. In Europe.

We're at about an 85% likelihood that she's going to need someone to sublet for TWO OR MORE YEARS.

Now, I don't know. I'm cautious. Because the best laid plans and all that... but for $700 a month, I could get my life back. And New York City could become fun again.

The big catch is we'd have to somehow trick the landlord for two years. When they stop seeing Looney Leena coming up and down the stairs and they see me instead...they're bound to think something's up. These landlords are always looking for reasons to kick out tennants--especially when the apartment they're living in could go for $3,000 a month EASY. And they're only paying $700.

So cross your fingers and say a prayer that the Second Great Depression hits sooner rather than later so the landlord will be desperate for paying tennants of any kind.

Mission Accomplished

So, while in South Carolina, I decided I was going to take my Dad shopping and we were going to get me an expensive new toy.  You know.  Be good Americans and put money back into the economy.

We went to Best Buy.

Me:  Hey Dad!  These iPhones SURE ARE COOL, aren't they?

Dad:  Yep.  They sure are.

Me:  I mean, my phone is all cracked and stuff.  These things DON'T BREAK!

Dad:  Nope.

Me:  It would be SO COOL to have all your gadgets together on ONE DEVICE, wouldn't it?  I mean, music, videos, maps, addresses, phone...all right there!  Instead of having to carry around a whole bunch of things!

Dad:  Yeah.  It would.

Okay.  That didn't work.  Let's try again.

Me:  Hey!  This is a mini-laptop!  They're all the rage right now!

Dad:  Sure is small.

Me:  Yeah!  It doesn't have a whole lot of bells and whistles.  Just basic computing.  Word processing, internet, email...everyone in New York has one right now.

Dad:  Really?

Me:  Yeah!  I keep thinking how cool it would be to have one...they're only 2 pounds...you can take it to a cafe and write and stuff...and when you're done, just snap it shut and toss it in a bag!  Wouldn't that be HANDY?

Dad:  Sure would.

No dice.  Okay.  Video games.  I can ALWAYS get my parents to get me a video game.

Me:  Oh WOW!  Here's a game I REALLY WANT.

Dad:  Oh yeah?

Me:  Yeah!  It looks like SOOO MUCH FUN.  I'd really like to GET this game!

Dad:  (no response)

Me:  I GUESS I'll get it when I'm back in New York.

Dad:  (no response)

Me:  (putting the game back)  Rassafrackinrassarassa...

On the way out...

Dad:  Hey look.  Blu-Ray DVDs.  Have you ever seen a Blu-Ray movie?

Me: (grumbly)  Yes.  My PS3 doubles as a Blu-Ray player.

Dad:  It does?

Me:  Yes, it does.  (spotting the Nightmare Before Christmas special edition Blu-Ray DVD)  And I NEED this or I WILL DIE.

So yeah.  I got something.  Hey.  My Dad didn't want blood on his hands.

Photo Op

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Obama phone!

I'm STILL Through. Again.

No I'm not.  I'm not through.  I'll never be through.  I can't be through.

I've tried to unplug.  I've tried to go back to paying attention to silly things and just being everyone's comic relief.  I've tried to go back to being the guy who says, "Duh...I dunno."

But I can't.

I can't because everyone has started updating their facebook status updates with political (?) statements like, "McCain's shoes are ugly!" and "Sarah Palin is a whore!" and the like.

I can't because I'm on a bunch of email lists.  One is for me and four of my buddies.  What cheer I might have held in my heart today was shot down like a duck from 'Duck Hunt' when the older and wiser member of our group told us we're all done for and to get ready for the O-pacalypse that will screw up our country in untold ways.

I can't because the other email group is a bunch of stupid actors who now want me to look at Obama and McCain's arts funding positions and see that Obama is the only one who likes to go to plays.  So we should elect him because he made a totally trustworthy campaign promise to give paint to poor painters, acts to poor actors, and dance to poor dancers.

I can't because it's all anybody wants to talk about, but most people who want to talk about it are totally uninformed and determined to stay that way because research takes time out of their busy catch-up-on-TiVo time.  And that makes me crazy.

I watched the debates last night.  I'd never really WATCHED a Presidential debate before.  I thought what they were were people asking them questions and then they respond to them.

And that's what happened.

And I was totally satisfied.  I thought one candidate came off more presidential and in-charge than the other and eagerly hopped online to see what the bloggers had to say.

"WORST DEBATE EVAR!!1!"

"BORING!"

"DULL, DULL, DULL!"

Whaaaa?  What the crap?  It was a political debate.  What were they expecting?  Were people thinking Mac was gonna sock Barry in the 'nads?  Perhaps on Wednesday they can put a log over a pool full of sharks and flaming buzz saws and have them duke it out.  THAT would be exciting.  THAT would be lively.

As a "Joe Six-Pack (Abs)", I thought the debates were fine.  But then I was shut down on g-chat by my buddies and by every news network on Planet Earth AND Mars.  Apparently they were awful and McCain was dreadful.  I OBVIOUSLY didn't know what I was talking about.

Well now I'm pissed off.

What the crap is wrong with people?  So things aren't going perfectly for five minutes...and they're ready to declare it's over?  So Palin gave an interview littered with trick questions and was then edited to look like a buffoon and they're ready to throw up their hands and declare, "IT'S OVER!  JESUS SAVE US ALL!"  You know, if McCain loses, a good chunk of the blame rests on his "supporters" who are all scrambling around like they have bipolar disorder, criticizing his every move and playing into the whole, "See?  The McCainers are desperate and frightened because they are SO gonna lose!  So vote for ME because I'm gonna WIN!" trap.

I'm so surprised, disappointed, and disgusted by this whole thing.  I know, I know.  It's politics and politics is nasty.  But geeze, people.  Get a grip!  

I'm really going to try to unplug this time.  I really am.

Seriously.

I'm not kidding.

Just let me check drudge one more time.

Forkulele Friday: Money, Money

It's been a while and it's not Friday, but I whipped this up real quick as it seemed very appropriate after the events of the past week. As always...

Click here to go there!

Also, there's been a change to the music profiles so I can no longer control which order they're in. So if you don't get it right away, just skip till you do! Or listen to them all again!

I'm Through

I'm through. I know I've said it before. And each time I came back for more. But this time I'm really through.

Just when I think I've come to a conclusion or I think I've got things figured out, somebody throws me something new, somebody whose opinion I respect suddenly changes their mind...

I can't keep up with it. It's stressing me out. I'm worrying about things I was never meant to understand when I SHOULD be working on the Complete Mega Man 9 Five Times in One Day! challenge.

Because, in the end, I'm so damn poor it's not like any of this will affect me anyway.

So that's it. I'm not defending anyone anymore. I'm not learning any more about economics. I'm not going to g-chat anybody asking them for their opinions on such-and-such. I'm not paying attention to the news anymore. All it does is make people hate you if you don't see things their way.

It's all for the birds!

So I'm through. This time I'm REALLY through.

Creep-tacular

Halloween comes early this year folks.

This is so...creepy. Is this for real?

Have we forgotten the last time we had a cute little cherub of a kid begin a creepy song of devotion to the Dear Leader? They shut down Liza Minelli's nightclub!

Seriously, guys. I think it may be over. Look at those kids. Look at those parents. Look at the nut who's conducting them. They're crazy. And if there's one thing I've learned since moving here it's that

YOU CAN'T BEAT CRAZY.

Crazy doesn't just go away. Crazy can't be reasoned with. Crazy has to run its course. And we just have to be there to pick up the pieces when the nuts come to their senses again.

The Unpleasant Ultimatum

It's over after today.

The last performance of RotL.

"Unpleasant" is the word I choose to describe the overall experience. Now, don't get me wrong, there was tons of fun to be had throughout the process and the whole thing contributed once again to making me a better, cleaner, more specific actor.

But the CAST....

Unpleasant.

In the nightmare scene... they've lifted me up and are carrying me around the stage to torment me for being a hard-to-handle diva. Dolores, playing the director, takes the spot closest to my head and WHISPERS into my ear, "This'll f*(king teach you to f#%&*() with my show, you G*(Dam$% C%NT!"

Unpleasant.

Valerie, who plays the swaggering love interest, has worked with the Teddibly Impressive Shakespeare Company for years and years so she has an air of superiority about her otherwise VERY friendly demeanor. So when she's running the somewhat unnecessary fight call at the beginning and you want to ask, "Can we not do this full-out? I'd like to save my voice," her eyes get really wide, she smiles really big and says, with lots of breath, "I think this would be a good opportunity for you to practice using your voice!"

I get the VERY distinct feeling that, as the show has gone on, she duddn' like me very much anymore. A shame. And also...

Unpleasant.

Sue is the woman who peed her pants on opening night. Nobody knows why. She just did. She is also so HOSTILE toward ANYONE who isn't Obama-mad that it's scary. Honestly, it REALLY DOES make me feel like I'm living in one of those movies set in pre-WWII Germany. You know. Where you've got this one main plot going on, meanwhile in the background you've got the subplot of Hitler rising to power which will eventually force its way into the foreground and act as the Iceberg-Titanic catalyst to rend the main plot into tragic tatters?

I would be the character from the main plot--the young actor new to the City, full of dreams, ready to work, ready to beat Mega Man 9. And about two thirds of the way through the movie, you have the crazed German who speaks passionately about this young savior who will lead the country to a time of great prosperity. The suspicious young artist (who is also very talented and handsome with a great six pack) is seemingly the only one who doesn't buy into the hype and is the only one who sees dark thunderheads rumbling on the horizon.

Unpleasant.

The costumes are frilly and lacy and snag on everything. By the end of every show I need to call on my mice to repair my gown.

Unpleasant.

The women burp a LOT backstage.

Unpleasant.

The women curse and swear and damn Palin to hell for having the nerve to look as good as she does.

Unpleasant.

The play begins as a fluffy comedy but takes a turn for the dark 2/3rds through--and it never returns to funnytown. Which makes trudging through the final chunk a completely UNPLEASANT experience.

But it's over today. So...maybe I ought to just shut up and focus on the silver lining--which is at LEAST we won't be doing this show when Palin does her debate. Because the last place on earth I would like to be is in a dressing room with them.

Meow

This helps with the Fall Melancholy. I don't care how you feel about cats. This will make you laugh.

WHAM.

Today autumn slammed into New York like a ton of orange, gold, and red colored anvils.

It wasn't gradual this year. Normally we spend a bit more time in 70sville before dwindling down into 60stown.

About this time every year I get what I've come to refer to as the "Fall Melancholy". I'm delighted by the gorgeous weather, the turning leaves, and promise of end-of-the-year festivities and merrymaking, and at the same time infected with a creeping depression that gnaws at the edges of my soul--death is on its way. Persephone is returning to the underworld.

And *man* does that get me down.

But while the F.M. usually works like a slow-acting poison, this year it's worked a little bit more like a bludgeon to the noodle. It's like Manhattan grabbed me by the shirt this morning and said, "Fall's here, muthuhf*#kuh!"

It then forced me to hand over my varied collection of smiles, songs, and hopes I normally keep locked safely in my heart.

Matters have been made considerably worse by the knowledge that today my Dad forever locked the doors on our family's house in Texas. The key on my keyring which remained a symbol of security and promise of a warm meal and cozy bed waiting for me somewhere across the miles has been relinquished.

Mom says, "You'll always have memories." Well, yeah. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

Then there's all this political garbage. I don't know what it's like where you live, but in New York, it's a veritable battlefield of nasty, nasty headlines on every "news"paper you see. The media up here is positively beside themselves with delight at the prospect of turning vitriol into dollars as people exchange quarters for rags reading "Scandal!", "Shock!", and "Certain Doom!"

Everyone's mad. Everyone's ready to fight. And if you *don't* think and profess that one "S.P." is the Baba Jaga and eats orphaned baby sea otters for lunch every day, get ready to be fed to the lions. It's just dreadful.

And 28 is half over. Oh God. Oh GOD! I don't say that as an oath either. But as a cry for mercy. Where's my fancy job, sack of money, house, wife, kid, and SUV?

Part of me adores my family (I'm thinking, specifically of the "family" that happens when we're all together in South Carolina). After all, if I continue along in this Peter Pan existence and spend the rest of my days penniless and alone, at least I know someone will be around to begrudgingly bury my Forkish bones (thanks in advance, Li'l Allie). I find great comfort in spending time with them.

But the other part **loathes** them for the very reason my brother Forko always hated "them". Sitting around the table at Thanksgiving, these perfectly dear but bored people insist on making the guy with the funny hair into a birthday party clown.

"Why didn't you bring your stilts?"

"Why aren't you playing your ukulele?"

"When are you gonna be on Broadway?"

"Put on a play for us!"

"Do a trick for the baby! You're an *actor* after all. You're supposed to do tricks!"

"You need to get your mom to give you a haircut!"

Funny that no one asks for a demonstration of my mad modeling skillz.

So we three (my echo, my shadow, and me) are anticipating these coming trips to SC over the holidays to be a soft-serve chocolate swirl of creamy relaxation with that unmistakable when's-the-expiration-date-on-this-thing sour edge of apprehension and defensiveness.

That and with the second great depression all up ons...it's all a person can do to keep from drowning a sack of kittens to protect them from the torture of being alive in a world gone bonkers.

Kittens...Nelson...oh my son! Forgive me!

That's Fall, Folks!

Mega

Sorry it's been so quiet lately. I'm pretty worn out these days. What with more modeling, then running about going to auditions.

It's been quite a week. For one thing, Megaman 9 came out! That's a big deal. It's been about ten years since 8 was released.

Megaman was a big part of my childhood. I remember reading about Megaman 2 in that one issue of Nofriendo Power...read that issue till the cover fell off. We had just gotten a Nofriendo and were looking for games to play on it. And I decided I had to had to HAD to have Megaman 2.



My Dad took me to a Kay-Bee Toy Store (remember those?!) and I RAN to the Nofriendo game case. No Megaman 2. I thought there must be some mistake. It was in Nofriendo Power magazine. That meant it was out, right?

The lady at the register said they wouldn't get it in for another week. Or two.

I was crushed. I pointed at Donkey Kong Classics. It had Mario on the box. It looked like it might be fun. I'd take THAT game instead.



My Dad said, "No. We're not going to get that game just because they didn't have the one you REALLY want."

At the time I thought that was cruel. My hopes were so high. I had to leave with SOMETHING.

But no. I had to wait.

And I'm so glad I didn't get the dumb game with the monkey on the box.

Because the second I ran up the stairs, two at a time, and plugged Megaman 2 into my Nofriendo...my life was never to be the same.

It was my first video game. All the other ones were shared betwixt my brother and sister and me. But THIS one...THIS one was aaaaaaaall mine.

Thanks Dad!