Thursday, October 30, 2008

Breaking News! Election '08


Mystery Candidate Enters Presidential Race
Spit-Spot Woman Blows Competition Away

by Fork deForque

WASHINGTON - With only a few days to go before Election Day, the war for the White House has become increasingly tense. But things are about to be shaken up considerably as a new, entirely unknown candidate has appeared in this, the 2008 election's eleventh hour, and literally blown all other candidates away.

"I was standing on the front lawn," says Mick McTavish, groundskeeper for the White House, "when there was a strong gust of wind from the east. I looked up, and there she was standing on the front steps with an umbrella and carpet bag. Can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I fear what's to happen has happened before."

According to McTavish, the mystery woman, who later introduced herself as Poppins, surveyed the exterior of the building and declared, "It's not exactly Buckingham palace, but it's clean." She then declared to astonished onlookers that she would be in charge of the country until the direction of the wind changed.

"This changes everything," Dale Sondergaard, political analyst, told reporters. "At first it seemed like Sarah Palin was Obama's biggest rival. But ever since this Poppins woman appeared on the scene, the most extraordinary things seem to have come over the White House."

While Obama has been criticized for acting like he's already won the election and preparing to take over the White House, Poppins has beat him to the punch and already moved in. The Bushes will be spending the rest of George W.'s term in a Motel 6.

But America wants to know. Who is this mystery candidate?

Poppins recently held a press conference in the Oval Office. When asked what party she belongs to, Poppins responded tartly, "There shall be no parties until this country is spic and span."

"She's practically perfect in every way," said George Spencer, political analyst. "Just as this election became gray and ordinary, Poppins made the sun shine bright."

But is Poppins the type of person Americans really want leading their country?

"We recently conducted a poll asking Americans what they wanted out of their next president," said Spencer. "Of traits most desired, 100% of Americans requested that, for the candidate who wants this choice position, the candidate must have a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, no warts (I put that part in), play games--all sorts, take Americans on outings, give them treats, sing songs, bring sweets--the list goes on."

"This woman fits the bill in every category. I've never seen anything like it. These are issues that are very important to the American people right now. And she never smells of barley water."

There has been concern that this total unknown, who couldn't be farther removed from the Washington elite, will be able to handle the arduous job as President of the United States. Especially in light of her limited experience. While critics have attacked Sarah Palin for not having enough executive experience, previous to running for President the only job Poppins ever held was the position of nanny for a well-to-do British family at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.

"In every job that must be done," said Poppins in response to the question of why she has chosen to run for the Presidency, "there is an element of fun. You find the fun and, snap, the job's a game."

She accused the Obama campaign of making pie-crust promises to the American public. Easily made, easily broken.

Senator Obama, in his cavalier manner, brushed off the attack, saying, "Poppins is telling people she thinks this job is fun. She thinks it's all a game. What she's really doing is distracting voters from the things that matter to them like the economy. She's trying to cloud the issue with facts".

Later, however, he was overheard telling running mate Joe Biden, "We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."

Poppins immediately responded to the Senator by stating that Obama is "extremely stubborn and suspicious."

"I'd like to know where that hoity-toity you-know-what gets off saying things like that about my husband," said an enraged Michelle Obama, in a completely off-the-record interview. "This is the first time in my adult life I've been insulted by a housekeeper."

Poppins seemed somehow to know the attack was coming and no sooner had Michelle uttered those words than Michelle received an email from Poppins stating that Michelle is "rather inclined to giggle--doesn't put things away."

"The fact that she only has experience as a nanny totally works in her favor," said Liza Giordano, also a political analyst. "She's working class. She's understands the people. She's totally in touch with the issues facing Americans today. She understands family, she understands children, she's no-nonsense. We should cancel the election. America loves her. I love her. I won't let her go."

Some, however, are sceptical. Poppins recently sat down for an interview with Katie Couric.

The transcript of their short interview is as follows:

Couric: Poppins, we in the media insist that you tell us what magazines you read. As a nanny, you've probably spent all your time changing diapers and making beds. How do you stay informed on the events plaguing our once-great country?

Poppins: I will be asking the questions around here, Katherine. Don's slouch. Spit-spot. Close your mouth, please, we are not a codfish.

Couric: But you don't even have any references.

Poppins: I make it a point never to give references.

Poppins later announced that she was for the common people like "Bert the Chimney Sweep, Sidewalk Chalk Artist, or Whatever He Should Happen to Be Today".

"She's stealing all the thunder from Palin and Hillary and Obama. Put together," said Jerry Porter, reporter for Main Stream Media News Network. "It's impossible not to like her. We confronted her on rumors that she intends to redistribute wealth to creepy old bird ladies. She denied ever having said that even though we KNOW she's lying. But somehow, instead of being angry with her, everyone in the press conference was bewildered and delighted."

Even Ahmadinejad is powerless against Poppins' innumerable charms.

"At first, we in Iran laugh at 'the lady with the parrot umbrella'. She is weak nanny lady for babies. Then she appear on my doorstep and make me take medicine. But instead of tasting bad, it taste like baklava. Then Mary hold my hand, and I feel so grand.

"My heart start beating like big brass band. What is feeling?"

But in spite of her warm reception on the international stage, Poppins has been no stranger to scandal. While recent polls show her with a triple digit lead over Obama, the question of her place of birth has reared its head. Candidates running for President of the United States must be born in the United States. Poppins appears to have been born in either England or somewhere in the sky.

"That's a non-issue," said Sondergaard. "After all, everyone knows Obama was born in Kenya and he's still running."

William Moredumb of West Hollywood recently unveiled a highly controversial Halloween display on his front yard--with a mannequin dressed as Poppins hanging from the tail of a kite wrapped around its neck.

"I don't even really know who she is. Honestly, if I had to act like an adult for a second, I'd say she seems like a nice, hard-working person on all accounts. But she's not Obama, so I hate her and intend to disagree with every little thing she says and does. Like abortion. As a nanny, she probably loves children and doesn't want to allow us to abort them. She'll take away your right to choose. Yeah. Who does she think she is, telling us what we can do with our bodies? Does she think she's better than us?"

When asked to detail her abortion stance, Poppins explained that she never explains anything.

"I believe Mary Poppins is a potential threat to national security," said Donald Dissentor, Obama campaign co-supervisor. "She's a menace. And she's probably racist too. That carpet bag of hers. Have you seen the stuff she can fit in there? Hat racks, lamps, potted plants. How do we know she doesn't have a couple of nukes in there too?"

Senator Obama, in a recent rally at what used to be a swing state but is now 99% pro-Poppins said, "You can put lipstick on a talking, parrot-headed umbrella, but at the end of the day, it's still a talking...man, that's so cool. I'm sorry folks but that's friggin' awesome. Her umbrella talks."

But while Senator Obama has been clearly impressed with Poppins abilities and affects, that hasn't stopped his campaign from launching this ad about the "Poppins-ular" candidate which they hope will turn the tide.



The Poppins campaign has dismissed the ad as an example of the liberal media's attempt to demonize their candidate. The commercial has failed to make any noticeable dent in Poppins' almost magical lead.

For now, this election appears to be in the carpet bag. Poppins has changed the rules of the political game with her uncanny ability to set troubled Americans at ease, assuring them that practically perfect people never allow sentiment to cloud their reasoning.

"She's just what this country needs," said Nimber O'Werner, anti-protester. "She's incredible. She's more than incredible. She's supercalif--well. You know.

"No wonder that it's Mary that we love."

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

My Blackberry has decided what it wants to be for Halloween!

A phone from the late 90s or early 00s!

Remember those days?

That was back when all a cell phone could do was make phone calls. None of this fancy text messaging or email stuff.

I've tried to get my Blackberry to realize this is a terrible idea for a Halloween costume, but it's not listening to me. In fact, I think this new "Retro-Berry" is here to stay.

It won't listen to me. I've called friends. I've sought advice. I even, at one point of weakness, went to a store and said, "Give me an iPhone." (clerk stared blankly at me) "FULL PRICE!" (clerk's eyes went wide and a "Sir! Think about what you're SAYING!" dialogue ensued).

So the clerk, who was supposed to snicker as he took my money, basically bitch slapped me and told me to pull it together. It was then that I realized what I almost did. And I wept bitter tears.

Folks...I need email.

I need it like a fish needs the sea. Like a baby needs a diaper. Like a whore needs Jesus.

But it looks like I'm going to have to go without from here on out. When I'm on my breaks during those long modeling gigs, instead of sending emails or live-blogging, looks like I'll have to read a crappy book like this modern young thing.


Yeah. She looks THRILLED to be stuck with a back-issue of "Smart Set Magazine".

And I'm WAY ahead of you. I thought about groveling to my parents, pulling a "Prodigal Son's Christmas" and asking for my Christmas present now so I could buy the stupid toy--which, by the way, they seem to take GREAT delight in brandishing before my iGreedy eyes saying, "Hey! We just got these cool new phones! Isn't this the phone you want? Huh. That's interesting. Well, they sure are cool! It's so cool to have the phone that you want! Guess your parents are pretty cool now, huh?"

But no. I do not grovel. I won't do it.


Me: Just come out with it. Everyone else is so proud of me and thinks I'm great but because I don't have money you guys think I'm a loser.

They: Oh no, honey. You're not a loser. You're just not living up to your full we just don't think you're living up to your full potential.

Me: So...you don't think I'm a loser...you just think I'm a loser right NOW.

They: Get a real job.


















So yeah.

All that to say, if you send me an email, I won't get it until I get home and turn on my PC.

Or call me. Yeah.













Thanks.














McCain/Palin '08.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

WAAAAAAAAA!


So I've been in a state of rather high stress of late. It's this election. This damn election!!

It occurred to me that Halloween is only...(wun, too, thre, frr...) NINE days away! GEEZE! Can you believe it!

Now I've already tried to get going with my Halloween tradishes. I ditched my PSP and my DS as subway entertainment in favor of a new Agatha Christie--which I think I may be able to figure out if she just gives me a couple more clues. That's the thing about Agatha. Once you know the rules to Poirot's "world", you can kind of figure out who's gonna do it--provided you think outside the box and think in terms of what would motivate a real person to committing murder.

All while playing by the Agatha Christie rules, of course.

But I'm getting away from why I'm writing this post.

So this Agatha Christie isn't really cutting it for me. I have to be honest. I love me some Dame Agatha, but this Halloween has got its work cut out for it if it wants to be a sufficiently scary one. And it's all because of this election. This damn election!

So here's what I did.

I bought a big bottle of wine.

I know. It makes me almost want to cry when I think of how fat the painters at the Janut school are making me. And a couple of glasses of red wine are only making things worse. BUT I HAD TO! I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE! It's this DAMN ELECTION!

So THEN...

I plunked down fifty digital dollars for the game video game critics all across the interwebz have declared, "Why, it's so scary...it'll scare yuh!"

It'll scare me, huh? It'll scare ME. Okay you probably plump video game critics with spotty complexions. Put your money where your mouth is! I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!

So it's a horror game in space. Like 'Alien'. It's called (distorted voice) DEAD SPACE.

I turned out the lights. My glass of wine was next to me. I booted up the game on my computer. I thought it was a little TOO snug in my bedroom. Hey, space is cold, right? So I cracked my little window and the cold, sooty New York City air blew in.

The mood was set.

I started my mission. It seems I am an intergalactic repairman. All communications on this distant mining ship have been cut. As my little ship puttered up to the darkened mining vessel and I was finally given control of my character, I walked to the main entrance and the impolite black woman who lives inside me said, "Oh heeell no! Don't you go in there!"

So began my journey. I found myself talking to the screen the entire time. But as the impolite black woman. It TOTALLY ruined the atmosphere.

There was a "dead" creature on the ground.

"HA! I'm not falling for THAT one!" I shot at the monster and it writhed around. Yes, it was actually alive and was waiting for me to get close so it could jump up and scare me. But now it was just frittering about and wailing--wailing as if to say, "Aw MAN! You ruined the surprise!"

"Sorry bitch. This ain't my first time at the third-person shooter rodeo."

The little black woman took over.

"I can't believe they gave me this shift! I better be making time and a half for dis!"

That's when I used my plasma blaster to rip through a particularly grotesque creature. Heh. I stepped on the elevator. "I bet that idiot is sorry he messed with--

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!








I totally wasn't expecting it. I stepped off the elevator and some...some THING jumped at my face, shrieking like a banshee. I YELLED at the computer screen.

Mission accomplished. Halloween can go on this year. I have been scared.

Apology

I have to apologize for the most recent post. I'm so afraid that I've pissed some of you off--I can't even bear to read the comments. I was tempted to remove it, but a little voice said I should leave it up. And I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.

I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything guys, honest. I'm not some Crazed Republican trying to sell the world on mooseburgers and creepy grins. All this came about because none of my Obama friends could tell me WHY I should be so gaa-gaa over him. So I did my own research and this is what I turned up. I just thought it was important to share so "the other side" could be presented.

And for those of you in the "lower 48", let me just tell you that NYC is not like Texas. You do NOT talk about Sarah Palin in public. You do NOT wear the little McCain/Palin '08 button your parents sent you. You have to be very careful about what you say here right now. You think I'm being melodramatic? Did this story make it to you guys?

I'm with the crazy assailant on this one. It's this election. Man--do I hear that.

So maybe all this is is I'm overcompensating for the fact that I feel like I'm being repressed by the passionate Obamaphiles of New York City. Bear with me. As I said earlier, this will all be over soon. Again, my apologies if I pissed anybody off. I'm REALLY sorry. That was not my intention.

UPDATE

THAT BEING SAID...

I still stand by that post.

The Big One

Okay. You're all wondering, "What the crap?"

Well, here it is. The Big One.

I'll try to refrain from making any more political posts outside of this one. If I just hafta say something, I'll try to put it in here.

So, without further ado--

THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

Every day I receive HUNDREDS of emails asking me, "Why, Fork, WHY are YOU--a full-time NUDE model and ACTOR who lives in NEW YORK CITY--why are YOU siding with "that retarded bitch" and her old letch?

Well, maybe because a vote for them is a vote NOT for "Scary Barry".

Maybe this is all just anti-Obama propaganda, but MAN. There's a LOT of it. And it's not just midly disturbing, it's full-on disturbing. Even if none of it is as extreme as is portrayed in these videos, the fact remains that the connections are there and, well, Barry has some 'splainin' to do.

I've found that understanding where Obama is coming from is not unlike understanding Mormonism. What I mean by that is that the vocabulary is the same--we use the same terms--but what we mean by them is often significantly different.

In order to understand why Obama takes the approach that he does, you have to begin with an understanding of how the country is viewed by a significant portion of the population.

A Good article here.

So now, let's look at the radical figures and groups who have had a significant influence on Barak Obama:

Frank Marshall Davis

Jeremiah Wright

Khalid Al-Mansour

Raila Odinga

ACORN

William Ayers


And that's not all! There's MORE! This website is kind of like the Disney World of "Case Against Obama" websites--you can't do it all in one trip.

Now I'm not saying I think McCain and Palin are perfect presidential candidates. Far from it. But what I AM saying is I believe they're a much less frightening than Barack Obama.

The purpose of this post isn't to smear Obama. I'm not trying to be hateful. I'm not trying to start a fight with my friends who DO like him. Also, I understand that a good number of those above videos wouldn't be scary at all if they just put some happier music in the background.

The purpose of this post is to simply ask "Who is Obama?" This is some of the stuff that I found when I asked that question and looked for answers. Obama is the media darling and has been shielded left and right from questions that I believe are perfectly reasonable. I think it's FAIR that we be aware of just who exactly this guy is.

Again, this is NOT an attack! It's just what I've uncovered! And even if one or two of these things is false, the fact remains that there's a whole lot more where that came from.

If this post makes you seethe with hatred, don't leave a comment, just close the window.

It will all be over in a few weeks anyway.

Still My Favorite Palin Article

"She is not just pro-life, she's anti-life. She is the suppression of human feeling and instinct." -Salon.com

Man--aren't we having FUN?!

(Oh yeah. This one's LAME. This is SO three weeks ago)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Retro Post Revisited: Whose Fault is it Anyway?

I wonder what the outcome would be if I ran this 42nd Poll from 2005 now, in 2008.

This is who won. Who would win today?

It's Over: the New Candidates


"It's-a Merica!"

All day long the mere thought of that campaign slogan made me smile.

I just ordered mine. Order yours before it's not as funny! Get behind the candidates who have done more for you than any of the Washington elite!

Go here! And on November 4th, be sure to cast your vote for Mario and Luigi Giordano!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Punctuality

I'm standing outside of the building where two of my friends are hosting a party.

Thing is, the party starts at 8. And it's 7:54 by Blackberry time.
Wait. 7:56.

It's never good to show up early to things like this. They're counting on the doorman *not* calling them till 8.

7:57.

It would be rude of me to go in now. I want their phone to ring and them to look at the clock and say, "It's 8! Must be party guests!" Not "It's almost 8. Looks like some jerk is early. And I'm not finished making the cocktail weenies."

7:58.




I'm not going to be that guy.




Come on clock.




Geeze, if this isn't the longest minute--AH! 7:59.

Okay. One more minute to go.

Or wait. Should I go in now? By the time the doorman announces me it'll be 8.

8:00.

Well. Don't have to make that decision anymore.

Punctuality. The pride of princes.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Jihad!

Muslim mothers, lock your children away.

Muslim fathers, sharpen your scimitars.

There's a new affront to your religion of peace.

It's offensive.

It's wrong.

But worst of all, it's...



Adorable.

"LittleBigPlanet", the hotly anticipated, dazzlingly reviewed, and doggonitly cute Playstation 3 game that's set to sit near the top of many a video game wish list this Christmas has been recalled due a song that plays in one of the many levels in the game. Muslim game reviewers spotted it and instantly wrote a letter to Sony demanding something be done about this grave offense.

The problem?

The song lyrics include two brief lines that just happen to be from the Qur'an.

"Oh. But they're offensive lines, right?" you're thinking. "It's that they used lines like, 'Death to infidels' and 'Allah demands a blood sacrifice' and 'Stone the man who looks at you the wrong way and throw his body from the highest height' right?"

Well, no. Nothing like that. They're pretty harmless lines, really. But that's not the problem. The problem is that they're...




...wait for it...




...set to MUSIC.


That's right! Not only is it an abomination to create a depiction of Mohammad, apparently it's ALSO an abomination to put the words of the Holy Qur'an to music.

Who knew?

Check it.

I shouldn't be too worried. I mean, after all, I've already secured my "LittleBigPlanet - Jihad Edition" print of the game from a Mom 'n' Pop video game shop in the Barrio that broke the release date (it's not supposed to be sold in stores until Monday--and now it's not supposed to be sold in stores at ALL. But more on that in a moment).

So I've got my copy. What do I care? Why write a post about something as stupid as this, especially since most of you don't play video games and probably aren't going to read this post. But I have to say--this news bugged me all day long. And now that I've actually PLAYED the game and seen just how freakin' cute the thing is, I'm even MORE annoyed. So allow me to rant a little and get this off my chest.

I'm a Christian. And as a Christian, I've come to terms with the fact that my religion will be the subject of ridicule and disdain by many many people. I've learned to tolerate things like

This.

This (which I think is pretty funny!)

And yes, even people like these who make the rest of us look like loons.

The thing is, if I can tolerate--not accept--if I can tolerate something as offensive as "Piss Christ", why the crap can't Muslims just deal with the Qur'an making a passing, POSITIVE appearance in the most adorable, harmless video game of 2008? Because it's their holy book and they don't like to see it desecrated? Okay fine. But what about all the times in movies and in life where the Bible is desecrated? What makes their holy book more holy than mine? Why is it okay to smear the Bible but the Qur'an is given a free pass? See how this works guys?

But MOST TELLING OF ALL is Sony's response!

Here's the follow up article.

Yes. The game is being delayed. Sony's biggest game of the Christmas season is being sent BACK so the song can be removed. They're bending over BACKWARDS to insure there aren't going to be any offended Muslims.

When was the last time a video game was recalled mere DAYS before its release because of content that offended a Christian?

It's the double standard here that's got my goat. I know. I KNOW. Do unto others. I should respect them the same way I would want to be respected.

But guys, the fact of the matter is, I have to tolerate "Piss Christ". Why? Because in America we're allowed to say stuff and present stuff that others might not agree with. And those of us who don't like it? Well, we can let it go or we can choose to disagree by writing blog posts about it. This is America. You're allowed (i.e. FREE) to do that.

But for some reason, when it comes to Islam, you don't mess around. You don't take the chance that you might piss some people off. No no. You don't give people that freedom. You halt the worldwide release of your smash video game and send it back to the printers. And you probably fire all the hard-working game designers who just wanted to make a fun game for the kids to play.

But then you stop and think about what started this mess. Setting two short verses from the Qur'an to music.

You've gotta be freakin' kidding me. Where do they come up with this stuff? Is there something in the Qur'an that says, "Oh, and don't you DARE make any of this into song lyrics. Or you'll pay!"

Seriously. Hasn't pop culture already covered this ground? I mean precisely the EXACT SAME GROUND? Why do I have to do a blog post about this??

On the bright side, this is boffo free publicity for the game.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Perspective

If you have 22 minutes and don't mind a little coarse humor, wait till your loved ones go to bed, grab a set of headphones and go here.

I've recently become a little bit of a fan of 'South Park'--a LITTLE bit of a fan. I *mostly* like what I see about 70% of the time. Nobody does biting social commentary like these guys and I think this is one of the best. This is the "election" episode and I think it kinda helps put things into perspective.

Just excuse the pop-up for the adult friend finder when you click play.

Full Frontal

So my day of nudity begins on Central Park East with this guy who has been called by various publications "the 21st Century Rembrandt". Except he keeps pushing the time back. So what I thought would be three hours is now two and then I got an email asking if we could start 30 minutes later.

So yeah. That kind of sucks because I've been sitting on this bench on the edge of Central Park when I could have slep in a little bit.

I had real trouble sleeping last night. Honestly, it's because of all those dag-blamed Facebook status updates my stupid actor friends made after the debate. Got me allllll riled up. Freakin' actor hippies, thinking the Wicked Witch was just "misunderstood". That really gets my goat.

It was 1 in the morning before I finally fell asleep.

And it was 2 in the morning when my next door neighbor started sawing something. Yes, sawing something very loudly up against my rice paper wall.

Yeah. I don't know either.

So after my meeting with Rembrandt, it's off to the Barrio once again to pose for the craptacular Janut Collective.

I'm going to have to do a whole 'nuther post on this place. But for now, just be satisfied with this: the room is extremely dark and the only light they have is the natural light coming in through a tiny shaft in the ceiling which is painted blue-grey. The light bounces off that and onto me. So in the color studies these students are doing I look blue. Like a Smurf.

And they're drawing me with a slight pot belly and zero muscle definition.

And that sent me into a doozy of a dither, let me tell you. You did *not* want to see me at the gym this morning as I shot dirty looks at all the meat-head body builders for whom this whole thing is just some effortless, high protein cakewalk.

And one of the older women at the school smells *strongly* of Old Lady Smell. And that's just not right.

Okay. I guess I don't have to do a st about the Janut Collective after all.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You Can't Know

You can't know what it's like up here.

You just can't know.

New York City isn't like everywhere else.

So if I get a little frantic between now and November 4th, please understand...it's not me.

It's this...CITY.

Sleepy Milk

I've been taking half of a sleeping pill the past few nights to help me want to go to sleep before 1.

So last night I thought, "Oh. I should take it with a little milk! They say a little milk before bed helps you fall asleep."

So rather than dirty a glass, I grabbed the carton of milk, popped the pill in my mouth, and took a gulp.

Only I don't think I swallowed the pill.

I think the pill went into the milk carton.

This could totally be the plot of a murder mystery.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

whoa...

For the first time in almost 3 and a half years, when I shake my head nothing happens. It's lighter too. And stuff isn't always falling in my face.

Holy crap. What have I done?!

At last, I once again look like the Type A personality that, deep down, I've always been.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Haircut

Two days ago...



Today!
Whaddya think?

Wait...really?

REALLY?

Okay. Even if this is a bunch of propaganda, the fact remains that there's a major connection there.

Barry! You've got some 'splainin' to do!

Friday, October 10, 2008

You Say A Little Pray'r Fooooor Meeee

So I may soon be taking care of an enormous, rent controlled $700 a month apartment one and a half blocks off Times Square.

You remember Mrs. Yuck, don't you? That agéd poodle I took care of a couple of times for Looney Leena? Well, Looney Leena used to be a world-class, top-of-the-line executive assistant (think assistant to Trump's right hand man) but New York City got to her and she has since frittered away her inheritance on silly pursuits like baking classes, stage managing, and the like.

So she needs money. And serious money.

And it looks like it may be waiting for her. In Europe.

We're at about an 85% likelihood that she's going to need someone to sublet for TWO OR MORE YEARS.

Now, I don't know. I'm cautious. Because the best laid plans and all that... but for $700 a month, I could get my life back. And New York City could become fun again.

The big catch is we'd have to somehow trick the landlord for two years. When they stop seeing Looney Leena coming up and down the stairs and they see me instead...they're bound to think something's up. These landlords are always looking for reasons to kick out tennants--especially when the apartment they're living in could go for $3,000 a month EASY. And they're only paying $700.

So cross your fingers and say a prayer that the Second Great Depression hits sooner rather than later so the landlord will be desperate for paying tennants of any kind.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Mission Accomplished

So, while in South Carolina, I decided I was going to take my Dad shopping and we were going to get me an expensive new toy.  You know.  Be good Americans and put money back into the economy.

We went to Best Buy.



Me:  Hey Dad!  These iPhones SURE ARE COOL, aren't they?

Dad:  Yep.  They sure are.

Me:  I mean, my phone is all cracked and stuff.  These things DON'T BREAK!

Dad:  Nope.

Me:  It would be SO COOL to have all your gadgets together on ONE DEVICE, wouldn't it?  I mean, music, videos, maps, addresses, phone...all right there!  Instead of having to carry around a whole bunch of things!

Dad:  Yeah.  It would.



Okay.  That didn't work.  Let's try again.



Me:  Hey!  This is a mini-laptop!  They're all the rage right now!

Dad:  Sure is small.

Me:  Yeah!  It doesn't have a whole lot of bells and whistles.  Just basic computing.  Word processing, internet, email...everyone in New York has one right now.

Dad:  Really?

Me:  Yeah!  I keep thinking how cool it would be to have one...they're only 2 pounds...you can take it to a cafe and write and stuff...and when you're done, just snap it shut and toss it in a bag!  Wouldn't that be HANDY?

Dad:  Sure would.



No dice.  Okay.  Video games.  I can ALWAYS get my parents to get me a video game.



Me:  Oh WOW!  Here's a game I REALLY WANT.

Dad:  Oh yeah?

Me:  Yeah!  It looks like SOOO MUCH FUN.  I'd really like to GET this game!

Dad:  (no response)

Me:  I GUESS I'll get it when I'm back in New York.

Dad:  (no response)

Me:  (putting the game back)  Rassafrackinrassarassa...



On the way out...



Dad:  Hey look.  Blu-Ray DVDs.  Have you ever seen a Blu-Ray movie?

Me: (grumbly)  Yes.  My PS3 doubles as a Blu-Ray player.

Dad:  It does?

Me:  Yes, it does.  (spotting the Nightmare Before Christmas special edition Blu-Ray DVD)  And I NEED this or I WILL DIE.



So yeah.  I got something.  Hey.  My Dad didn't want blood on his hands.

Photo Op


Ring! Ring! Ring!
Obama phone!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I'm STILL Through. Again.

No I'm not.  I'm not through.  I'll never be through.  I can't be through.

I've tried to unplug.  I've tried to go back to paying attention to silly things and just being everyone's comic relief.  I've tried to go back to being the guy who says, "Duh...I dunno."

But I can't.

I can't because everyone has started updating their facebook status updates with political (?) statements like, "McCain's shoes are ugly!" and "Sarah Palin is a whore!" and the like.

I can't because I'm on a bunch of email lists.  One is for me and four of my buddies.  What cheer I might have held in my heart today was shot down like a duck from 'Duck Hunt' when the older and wiser member of our group told us we're all done for and to get ready for the O-pacalypse that will screw up our country in untold ways.

I can't because the other email group is a bunch of stupid actors who now want me to look at Obama and McCain's arts funding positions and see that Obama is the only one who likes to go to plays.  So we should elect him because he made a totally trustworthy campaign promise to give paint to poor painters, acts to poor actors, and dance to poor dancers.

I can't because it's all anybody wants to talk about, but most people who want to talk about it are totally uninformed and determined to stay that way because research takes time out of their busy catch-up-on-TiVo time.  And that makes me crazy.

I watched the debates last night.  I'd never really WATCHED a Presidential debate before.  I thought what they were were people asking them questions and then they respond to them.

And that's what happened.

And I was totally satisfied.  I thought one candidate came off more presidential and in-charge than the other and eagerly hopped online to see what the bloggers had to say.

"WORST DEBATE EVAR!!1!"

"BORING!"

"DULL, DULL, DULL!"

Whaaaa?  What the crap?  It was a political debate.  What were they expecting?  Were people thinking Mac was gonna sock Barry in the 'nads?  Perhaps on Wednesday they can put a log over a pool full of sharks and flaming buzz saws and have them duke it out.  THAT would be exciting.  THAT would be lively.

As a "Joe Six-Pack (Abs)", I thought the debates were fine.  But then I was shut down on g-chat by my buddies and by every news network on Planet Earth AND Mars.  Apparently they were awful and McCain was dreadful.  I OBVIOUSLY didn't know what I was talking about.

Well now I'm pissed off.

What the crap is wrong with people?  So things aren't going perfectly for five minutes...and they're ready to declare it's over?  So Palin gave an interview littered with trick questions and was then edited to look like a buffoon and they're ready to throw up their hands and declare, "IT'S OVER!  JESUS SAVE US ALL!"  You know, if McCain loses, a good chunk of the blame rests on his "supporters" who are all scrambling around like they have bipolar disorder, criticizing his every move and playing into the whole, "See?  The McCainers are desperate and frightened because they are SO gonna lose!  So vote for ME because I'm gonna WIN!" trap.

I'm so surprised, disappointed, and disgusted by this whole thing.  I know, I know.  It's politics and politics is nasty.  But geeze, people.  Get a grip!  

I'm really going to try to unplug this time.  I really am.

Seriously.

I'm not kidding.





Just let me check drudge one more time.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Forkulele Friday: Money, Money

It's been a while and it's not Friday, but I whipped this up real quick as it seemed very appropriate after the events of the past week. As always...



Click here to go there!


Also, there's been a change to the music profiles so I can no longer control which order they're in. So if you don't get it right away, just skip till you do! Or listen to them all again!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

I'm Through

I'm through. I know I've said it before. And each time I came back for more. But this time I'm really through.

Just when I think I've come to a conclusion or I think I've got things figured out, somebody throws me something new, somebody whose opinion I respect suddenly changes their mind...

I can't keep up with it. It's stressing me out. I'm worrying about things I was never meant to understand when I SHOULD be working on the Complete Mega Man 9 Five Times in One Day! challenge.

Because, in the end, I'm so damn poor it's not like any of this will affect me anyway.

So that's it. I'm not defending anyone anymore. I'm not learning any more about economics. I'm not going to g-chat anybody asking them for their opinions on such-and-such. I'm not paying attention to the news anymore. All it does is make people hate you if you don't see things their way.

It's all for the birds!

So I'm through. This time I'm REALLY through.