In case you were wondering...

My home has become a warzone.

I just got back from the Duane Reade with some sleeping pills.

Leo let his apartment out to his friends from Florida. Yeah. He's gone, but that doesn't mean I get a break from the noise.

They have NO IDEA how loud they are.

I left them a note. That seems to have helped (I asked them to keep it down after midnight), but every other minute of the day, they are coming and going, or hanging out in the doorway. I swear, it's like a hotel room. People shouldn't come and go like this! This is an APARTMENT BUILDING.

Having just turned the corner on this stomach bug, my stomach is still a little fluttery. The irritation from the constant stomping and slamming of doors on the other side of the wall wasn't helping. So I went outside to get a little brandy and some sleep aides to see if that wouldn't help calm things down a bit.

The noise of the helicopters was worse when I stepped outside. Holy cats. What are the helicopters doing up there? New Years isn't until tomorrow!

The crowds. Oh my LORD, the crowds. I know it's bad every year, but COME ON. It is a freakin' NIGHTMARE out there! All of Midtown has become a theme park. I'm hearing baristas in every Starbucks giving directions to nearby points of interest...it's like in my Six Flags days.

It's awful.

Why do I live here?

Some Updates

I'm back from yet another trip to Precept in Chattanooga, TN. This time around was a study of Ezekiel (part 1... ch 1-32). It was intense and difficult and informative and incredible. I love going down there.

I'm back in New York now. Modeling work is at a halt. The schools don't do much in the summer and the artists I usually work one-on-one with are all busy with other projects. I've got a little something--another Jesus painting--lined up for August, a little school thing for evenings September, and a full-blown religious painting in October. I'll have to go to Connecticut for that one but it should be interesting. In November and December evenings will be devoted almost entirely to A Christmas Carol.

So the current scarcity means I'm looking in earnest for more part-time work. With previous office experience being the most easily marketable batch of skills I have, it's unfortunately not not as easy to convince employers that just because I have hair all over my head doesn't mean I can't WORK. Guys like me are stuck doing hippie work. I'll probably swing by Trader Joe's this afternoon and pick up an application. A friend at a video game news blog company sent my resume to her boss. Maybe that'll lead to something.

I feel like transitioning. Maybe it's just the old 3-5 year itch from growing up in an always-moving military family. But I feel like I'm ready to try new things. Maybe put the acting stuff on the side for a few years and go back to school. Get an IT degree or something and have a job where I can make rent and enjoy just being me without the stress of having to worry that I'm throwing away an acting career.

I know, I know. I've already put the acting career on the side, according to outside observers. I've spent the couple of years making an unexpected career out of being a figure model at New York art schools. But in my head I haven't put it away. In my head, I've been nervous, I've been stressed, I've not been able to shake the feeling that I'm failing every time I say "Yes" to another modeling gig. I've so enjoyed being away from the audition culture, being able to do what I want to do, look how I want to look, away from the fear, away from the constant rejection, away from being sized up all the time...

But the enjoyment of all these things is ruined when the "Acting Thing" rears its head. My stomach tightens. My pulse increases. "Enjoy your freedom while it lasts because next year you have to audition for soap operas and get your career back on track" casts a shadow over it all. Maybe for someone more self-assured, less wrapped up in nuance and detail of the intricacies of life, it makes no difference.

But I'm not like that. I'm an ISFJ. I'm the Little Old Lady of personality types. Everything is felt, everything is remembered, everything is stored away, but worst of all, everything matters. Things aren't so easily discarded. As the helpless, dependent "baby" of the family, what I want, what I really really want out of life, is to just be able to KNOW and IDENTIFY with some degree of certainty, is who Forky is and what Forky wants. That's it. Maybe that's why I don't have dreams. I don't have career plans. I don't have a 5 year goal. I don't have high hopes of starting a big family or becoming famous or whatever.

I guess, to some extent, that's a dilemma everybody faces. They just don't think about it so much.

Or maybe I'm just another of the 30-something indecisive man-boys that are so prevalent these days.

Whoa. Sorry for getting all deep on this post. How about we end on a silly note?

Who Needs Seminary?

Gearing up for Names of God...

Prepping to assist with Central's Psummer of Psalms Adult Sunday School...

Getting ready to start my Ezekiel homework for this summer's trip to Chattanooga...

And just for fun, how about the Precept Joel Rosenberg Last Days study? Why not?

I barely have time for video games anymore.

I'm really surprised by how little I really know about the Bible and about God. I'm still something of a human train wreck, but man, I'm having the time of my life here.

Ack! Getting a migraine. And from my studies I know that God is sovereign over blindness and intense head pain and the inability to form sentences! Hallelujah!

Back at CrossFit

Okay, I'm down to somewhere between 175 and 180. I've still got a little chunk around the middle but I've also put on a bit more muscle too. My diet has eased up a little and I'm going to CrossFit every other day or so. All in all, things are tightening up a bit, but I'm still bigger than I was.

So the next step would be to cut the french fries and donuts and go back to salads and organic eggs and chicken and that sort of thing. I may try to find a balance... do Paleo for 5-6 days a week and have a pizza day. Or something like that. I've never felt better than when I cut out the grains and the sugar, but at the same time, I was also never as LEAN. And while cutting all body fat is the goal of most people, in my line of work, a little chunk, a little MASS, a little SIZE isn't necessarily seen as a BAD thing.

Besides, pizza is WAY cheaper than organic everything.


In other news, I did the first week of the Precept 'LORD, Where Are You When Bad Things Happen?' study and I think we're gonna hafta switch gears. I'd been hoping to lead a group at our church in this study, but dang. This study.

See, you expect a Bible study to be all sweetness and pleasantness and rainbows and bluebirds and stuff that's just supposed to make you feel GOOD.

Like the last one I completed (the darkest Bible study I've ever done EVER 'LORD, Heal My Hurts'), this one is unexpectedly HEAVY. And it's heavy because it's not skimping on the TRUTH. The problem is...

THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Seriously. I don't think they can. Instead of being in agreement, I'm afraid the folks participating in the study would throw their hands up in politically correct horror when she compares sacrificing Israelite babies to Molech with modern-day abortion.

I may not be giving them enough credit. But then again, I've moved WELL beyond the scars I acquired from Southern Religion gone bad. Instead of being quite so defensive, I've learned to separate the facts from a study from the editorializing.

The #1 thing I'm dealing with right now is commentaries. People would rather read commentaries or full books on God rather than studying the Bible. As a result, they know what C.S. Lewis thinks about God (which is FINE! I LOVE that guy!) but the problem is they don't know for themselves what the Bible says about God. They wind up Biblically illiterate. People think I've been to seminary. No. I just found a teacher that I liked and started doing daily Bible studies. Not just READING though...actually STUDYING.

Might I encourage you to do the same?


In other news, I did a google search for 'is Carol Channing a man' and got nothing.


And speaking of conspiracies, I just have to say ONE thing here.

Why is everybody on TV telling me not to look at that thing?

No, I'm serious. The man goes to such bizarre lengths to keep it under lock and key for so long. It's got people all upset. Then he releases it, and everybody on TV tells me, "It's out, OKAY? Now stop looking at it and let's focus on talking about fixing the economy which we can't fix anyway."

Why? No, really. Why? Isn't that why you release a high res pdf file for millions of people to see? Shouldn't they be ENCOURAGING people to pore over this thing? You want to see this thing? Go right ahead! You want to send in the forensic experts? Be my guest! I assure you they'll find it's perfectly authentic! Put all your doubts to rest once and for all!

Instead, EVERYBODY is saying, "Okay. It's out. Drop it. Now. And if you don't, everybody's going to hate you and call you crazy. And you don't want people to call you CRAZY, do you? Your reputation is VERY important to you and you wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to it, WOULD YOU?"

Which naturally makes me even MORE suspicious of it! Why is everybody on TV telling me NOT to look too closely at this thing?!

Do you know what I mean? THAT'S what's making me crazy.

April Update

So much to talk about. Where to begin?

BODY EXPERIMENT UPDATE

I'm now somewhere VERY close to 180. And we have a slight problem.

I'm completely unmotivated to re-enter the works-based religion of having a six-pack. I hate that stupid thing. It's funny. It's getting to be springtime up here in NYC and people are just itching to wear their latest not-clothes and show off their ripped bodies. Me, I continue to wear medium shirts that show to the world I'm magnificently average and have NOTHING to prove to ANYBODY. I'm not competing with you appearance-obsessed New Yorkers! I'm not playing your never-ending comparison game that only leads to self-loathing!! I feel relaxed, self-assured, and for the first time in five years my abs aren't constantly flexing.

That said, I'm done with the donuts and pizza. I'm going to see if I can maintain this current weight and put on some muscle mass while I'm wearing an extra 15 lbs.



For you Primal fiends out there, I did a TECHNICAL-Primal day yesterday.

Breakfast: 4 eggs with organic cheese, two spoonfuls of organic peanut butter, coffee with cream
Lunch: Small Tomato Cheddar soup and small salad from Hale and Hearty. Spinach, carrots, cucumbers, red peppers, bleu cheese, and a little shot of dressing
Snack: Organic baby carrots and two spoonfuls of peanut butter
Dinner: Chipotle burrito bowl with rice, beans, and guac

Yes. That's TECHNICALLY still Primal. I didn't eat ANYTHING (that I was aware of) that had wheat in it and I'm pretty sure the refined sugar was at a bare minimum. The 80/20 rule.

I didn't get hungry once yesterday. My energy levels were steady. I felt great. Yeah, I know. Beans, rice, peanut butter. First, I'm not paying $12.75 for almond butter when I can get the same amount of organic peanut butter for $3.50.

I'm just curious to know what's the ABSOLUTE LEAST I can get away with and still experience positive results. That and I'm not interested in having .3% body fat right now. I don't care if I'm eating legumes or dairy. My struggle has always putting mass ON, not taking it OFF. From my experience with Primal last year, this is NOT a diet that helps you bulk up. Everyone at CrossFit jumped on the Primal bandwagon and they all shriveled up. Yeah, the ones struggling to lose that bit of extra chunk now had totally flat stomachs, but the already-fit ones looked a little shriveled.


Job (the thing you do for money, not the guy from the Bible)

This is probably connected with the lack of motivation to get back in tip-top shape and remain a little chunky. But I'm tired of modeling. I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of the physical demands of the job and the pay not balancing out the costs of gym classes, protein shakes, etc., etc. I've been sitting for portraits this past month and it's turning my brain into tapioca.

Meanwhile, all my friends have families and babies and big-time careers. I realize I'm the most interesting friend ever--working at Dog Shows and NofriendoLand World and playing the ukulele and nude modeling--but I've just about had it.

Yes, you heard me. I want a boring office job. I want to type up memos. I want to do my work and get paid a nice salary and have health insurance and not have anybody yell at me. On the side, I'll write plays and do a show here and there and find places to be creative. Everybody else is moving on with their lives and doing stuff and moving into nice apartments and getting raises and having families... Meanwhile, I live as a pauper in NYC with no prospects for the future.

Plus, I can't afford CrossFit classes. How am I supposed to get back in shape without someone yelling at me, telling me to move my butt and pick up heavy stuff?


Bible Study



This is the best Bible study I've done yet. It's also pretty dark. Just when you think, "Okay, SURE, Kay Arthur. A sweet little lady like you couldn't possibly know anything about pain and suffering," she pulls out a story about someone who--I can't even say it, it's so awful. And not just one story. A BUNCH.

Suffice to say, this isn't the feel-good Bible study of the year, but it's changing the way I think. It's really excellent. And, surprise! it's all from the Bible. Sure, she ties it together with some anecdotes here and there, but the philosophy at Precept is getting people into the WORD--because man's words are just man's words and may be very nice and very true, but they're not the supernatural word of God. THAT'S what ministers to and transforms people.

I love these guys at Precept. Every Christian who is tired of impractical, overly-emotional Christianese needs to do inductive studies. I used to be majorly cynical about the Bible. Not anymore. It's really REAL. But until you experience it for yourself, you won't understand what I'm saying.

They're workshopping their new study of Ezekiel (part one!) in Chattanooga this summer. Anybody out there want to sponsor me? Or come with? I'm desperate to go! UFOs baby!


Portraits

Oh yeah. Here's what I sat for this past month.

Portrait #1 (above) is supposed to be a plainsman. I think I look like a very sad Mad Hatter

Portrait #2 is what I look like now. Shorter beard, long hair pulled back to avoid drawing comparisons to Renaissance Jesus as I knock people over on the sidewalks in Times Square

That's the update. Maybe I'll go for a walk to the pier on this Friday afternoon and think about life and where I'm going. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh yeah! And work on illustrations for my cool new book!

Fitness Experiment 3/24

Just weighed in. With shoes on and if I stand right in the middle of the scale, I'm a whopping 178lbs.

One more week to go. Should I slow down or go for broke?

Fitness Experiment Update 3/17

I'm really uncomfortable.

I've put on about 7 or 8 pounds since the last update. Almost ten pounds since the beginning of the month. Slouching toward the 15 lb goal. On someone who's as lean as me, it shows VERY quickly. I've got the unmistakable beginnings of a gut going on down in the spare tire area, the lovehandles are back, the six pack is on temporary hiatus, and I have to suck in a little to button my jeans.

Energy levels are a bit on the low side. Not SHOCKINGLY low...I'm not falling asleep standing up or anything... but I'm not feeling quite as perky, that's for sure. It's a lot more difficult to wake up in the morning and I have to be careful what I eat for lunch. Too much food/bread almost knocks me out.

Worst though--It's HOT. Uncomfortably warm. It's a sunny, warm-ish St. Patrick's Day in NYC. Not a cloud in the sky. And I'm HOT in this t-shirt and jeans, which is most unusual. I want to attribute some of it to my long hair, but there's an unmistakable uncomfortable feeling of hotness all over. It's enough to make me want to give up on this whole experiment right now. But, for the sake of the people who have long told me, "Yeah, diet and exercise work for YOU. You're MAGICALLY SKINNY. I could NEVER get in shape like that", I'm gonna try and ride this out.

I think I've proven that I DON'T have a magic metabolism. Muscle tone and six pack are not necessarily the result of insane genetics. I got those things because I ate small portions, was careful with my diet, and kept physically active. This month, I've let myself go. Bread, cereal, pasta, beer, lots of birthday cake, french fries, all that sort of thing. Normal foods. Big portions. The only cardio I'm doing is walking around NYC.

HOWEVER, I have also noticed that I have NOT lost any muscle mass in the past week of skipping the gym. I have stayed the same size. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, I'm filling out my shirts in more than just my gut area.

Also, my face looks healthy for the first time in forever. I've always had a thin face and slightly sunken cheeks. Not anymore.

ALSO, today I finally managed to make it back into the gym for some lifting and I was quite surprised to find that I was lifting, on average, about 10 lbs more than my usual!

I guess this is why a lot of gym rats go through the "bulking" phase. Normal folks don't really know this, but during the fall and winter, you often see muscle-heads starting to get a little bit on the chunky side. That's the bulking phase of the year, when everyone eats more, weighs more, and because of that, lifts more. And lifting more = more gains in muscle mass.

Then in the spring and summer, it's all about cardio and cutting the fat, while ideally keeping the muscle.

I'm really hopeful my friends will see what I'm doing here and realize I'm not making this up. You CAN change your bodies through diet and exercise. Don't misunderstand me--I TOTALLY understand that some people are more disposed towards being stocky or lean, but for those of you who thought I was "special" because I was blessed by the skinny fairy at my christening, hang on. I'm about to prove how normal my body really is.