What is this? Is this some kind of elaborate April Fool's joke?
I'm about to do another rant. So don't read this if you don't want to hear someone whine.
Skinny is the new fat
I'm so tired of hearing people tell me how little I am. Do these people have any idea how much I work out? I'm not talking about cardio. I'm talking about trying to GET BIGGER.
But people won't stop saying, "Ew. You're so SKINNY."
LOOK.
SERIOUSLY.
Enough already.
Here's a tip: Don't tell a man he's little and skinny. Just don't. That's mean. That's like telling a girl she's fat/needs a nose job. We live in a society where men have just as much trouble with body image as women, but are expected to just deal with it.
*ahem*
Another Audition
I got a phone call early in the morning to audition for those Seussical the Meussical people. It's a big touring company that does children's shows.
The guy on the phone didn't give me many details--just that an actor had to drop out of their tour and they needed a replacement. Sides would be provided and bring 16 bars of something.
Okay. Easy. What fun.
I got there with my ukulele, ready to go. The audition center was packed to the gills with queenie little twinks flitting and fluttering about, I had to brush pixie dust off my coat before I went in to audition.
That being accomplished, I went in.
The piano accompanist sees my ukulele and gets all bright and excited. The other folks in the room suddenly perk up from whatever bored stupor they'd been in.
That's when the main casting lady looked up. She grimaces and says, "A ukulele?"
"Yes! It's a ukulele!"
"Oh wow. I'm so worried."
"Worried? Why?"
"You do know there's no ukulele in this show, don't you?"
"Yes, of course. But I just thought I'd accompany myself on a song with this."
"Don't you have piano music?"
"Well, no. You see--"
"You don't?"
"Umm. No. You see, I don't usually do musical auditions."
"Oh, well. Then why are you here?"
Do I really need to go further with this? The audition was an absolute disaster. She flat REFUSED to let me just sing 16 bars. REFUSED! I was TOTALLY shut down! I was speechless. She even went so far as to imply she was insulted that I would waste everyone's time by bringing that thing in.
"Well, ma'am," I tried, "Since I moved here two years ago I've focused mainly on regular plays. But this morning I got a phone call about this show and I wasn't sure what we were even supposed to be singing."
"This is a big waste of our time. This guy can't sing. You can read the sides if you want."
I was so incredibly offended by this woman. This "musical" they're trying to cast? It's got a COUPLE of spirituals sung by a chorus. That's IT! It's not an effing OPERA.
I mean, look, folks...
An audition is like an interview. It is NOT a one-sided thing. These people THINK it's all about THEM. In REALITY, it's just as much about the person auditioning. I walk in, look at these people, and decide, "Do I want to spend my time and energy working with these people? Will this be a pleasant experience?"
But these folks think we're coming--begging--pleading--NEEDING them to cast us. So they treat us like garbage, totally disrespect us, and dismiss us. Like some kind of children's musical theatre one-night stand!
I got home and sent the woman an email apologizing profusely for wasting the time of her and her colleages, tried to explain WHY I brought the ukulele, and attached a Forkulele MP3 for her listening pleasure.
She called me back. I hit IGNORE and sent her straight to voicemail.
Her message basically said, "If you don't want to do musicals you need to remove them from your resume."
Oh HOLY night. I NEVER said I didn't want to do musicals. I NEVER said I couldn't sing! I TOLD her I didn't usually audition for musicals but I had this ukulele--!
Oh, I'm so mad.
The Rent
On top of that, I'm certain my parents are horrified at the news that my rent is very likely to be dramatically reduced. Oh yes. They read this blog. And they want me in South Carolina. But why the crap would I leave New York when I've got a rent stabilized apartment a couple of blocks away from Times Square?
I mean, I'd have to be nuts to give this up!
The Weather
And it's REALLY warm and humid today.
Okay. I'm done for now. You guys are so nice for indulging me.
3 comments:
This is the same lady that told me my song selection had too much vibrato BEFORE I sang a NOTE of the song!!!
Then when I read sides she told me to act smart but also like the cheerleader from Saturday Night Live.
Huh?
And she smirked through the whole friggin thing.
I think I cried when I left that audition. Then realized exactly what you're saying. I could care less about being in her stupid shows.
Oh...and...But why the crap would I leave New York when I've got a rent stabilized apartment a couple of blocks away from Times Square?
Right on! Unless you wanna hand it over to us.
Buddy, you are a much nicer man than me, although I did think the mp3 was a nice touch.
"Excuse me, little, bitter butterball. I'm really sorry that your weight has obviously overpowered your manners. If the way you treat people is indicative of the way you eat, I'd hate to be your date. I might find my arm under your rabid choppers if I didn't watch the carnage closely. Good day to you and God help anyone that sets ten feet of you, with or without the flask of barbecue sauce you no doubt carry around with you."
I think you should seriously email her back, and tell her how rude she was and that if she ever wants to get laid, she might want to take the barbed night-stick from her bucksome ass.
Come to think of it, I'd consider finding another song or two.
I did better.
I called the man who called me in for the audition and said, in my best "Gee Willikers!" voice, "Oh BOY! Am I ever sorry for bringing in that ukulele! I didn't think that would happen! I sure hope I didn't get you in trouble with your boss. You know, it's SO funny! In ALL MY YEARS of auditioning, I've never brought my ukulele and had ANYONE turn me down! (*not exactly a lie*). I guess she just didn't want to hear it."
Translation: "Your boss is really uptight and spoils everyone's fun."
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