Insecure

Something funny's going on. In the past week, two of my friends have posted about feeling insecure. Or if not outright insecure, then at least begging the question, "Do I measure up?"

Okay. It's my turn.

I'm probably going to have second thoughts and delete this post by tomorrow, but until I do...here goes.



I've always been terribly insecure.

I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong,

that I don't have enough money,

that my abs aren't defined enough,

my arms aren't big enough,

I'm not attractive enough,

I'm not "butch" enough,

I don't write enough,

I don't write well enough,

I don't call my friends often enough,

I'm not talented enough,

I'm not motivated enough,

and that--secretly--most people don't like me very much.

I say all this because the subject of happiness came up in a conversation I was having with the artist--er--boss I work for.

We were talking about what a funny thing celebrity is. Why do people want to meet famous people? What do we think they can do for us?

We managed to boil it down to "junior high". Oooh, look. The popular kid spoke to ME. That makes me important and special.

Then we started talking about BEING a celebrity. Would being famous really make a person happy? We creative types dream up lofty heights to which we aspire--but once/if we arrive there, what then? Does the journey stop? When your name and face light up Times Square do you stop looking for whatever it was you were looking for?

And what were you looking for to begin with?

I think actors are looking for contentedness. Or if they're not looking for it, it's something they struggle with.

Not contentedness in the "I'll just stay here and do shows at the Waco Civic Theatre for the rest of my life because Waco is an okay town, and Valley Mills Drive is alright I guess" sort of way. Contentedness in the moment.

Contentedness like, "This ukulele show may be the closest I ever get to doing a real Broadway musical. And I'm not only okay with that, I'm thrilled at the chance to play this four stringed guitar and live a life of adventure most Nine-to-Fivers only dream of. Tomorrow I may have to move to South Carolina, but today, today I'm going to enjoy being my talented, six-packed self. Who CAN sing, dammit!"

Oh no. We can't have that, can we?

That's when the tapes start playing.

If you weren't such a wimp you'd really sing out like the guy with the ukulele in American Idol. But you can't do that. Remember how much the critics hated your singing in 'Midsummer'? Remember how you made a fool of yourself in front of your family on opening night?

I think I may be getting slightly off-topic and entering into the What's Really Going On Under All Those Curls Land. But it's relevant. I mean, we look at other people and think, "MAN. If I ONLY had that" or "If I ONLY knew this person" or "If I only WAS this person...THEN I'd be happy. THEN I'd have it ALL TOGETHER."

We waste our lives doing it. It makes us unhappy people. Instead of wanting the best for others, we start immediately looking for flaws they have that make us feel better about ourselves. We look at our talents and abilities and pleasant facial features that God gave us and think, "Man...I suck."

I can't imagine that makes our Creator very happy. And I don't say that in a self-righteous way either. I mean, stop and think about that. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't mean to say He wants us to be happy with being average in what we do. He wants us to be excellent and to use our gifts as best we can. To make them better.

Maybe that's why we're not supposed to covet what our neighbor has, but try to be happy with the things we have now.


To be continued...


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