A guy at my new job observed something interesting. Originally from Atlanta, he--like yours truly--moved to New York not too terribly long ago.
"I always imagined New York would be full of Stupid Money. Like, you'd move here and one day you'd be broke but then you'd land some ridiculous job you can't believe they pay you for. And the incredible thing is...it's true."
42nd Floorers, the man t'weren't wrong.
At the beginning of the week I come in to the office and write down my schedule--that is, I tell them when I'll be in.
Then the supervisors say, "Okay gang. We're on Metal Blast Squad today. Everyone grab a DS.Fork, since it's your first day we want you to just get as far as you can."
Or, "Okay gang. We're doing Bowling Ball Party 3 today. Everyone get to work. And have fun."
We talk about life, games, movies, crack jokes, listen to our iPods, and write down any bugs we observe.
Yep, 42nd Floorers. I'm now a video game tester. The pay isn't that great, but when you consider what it is I'm doing every day...I mean...geeze! As long as I get extra "temp" work every now and again, I'm golden.
It got me to thinking about my life. About how I worry constantly about my financial situation. About turing 30. About not having a grown-up career. About wanting a boring--but *safe*--office job and a house. And Nelson.
Then I think, "Holy juggling catz0rz."
WHO HAS MORE FUN THAN ME??!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Forkulele Friday: Love is Good For Anything That Ails You
It's the first one I wanted to learn.
My ukulele teacher said, "I have one that's a lot better. Let's do this one instead."
Bahhh. Okay. He was right. "I Can't Give You Anything But Love (Baby!)" was a better song. It was freakin' hard to play and set the bar nice and high.
But I kept hoping we'd come back around to this little guy at some point.
Finally, after many months of nagging, we've got it. What may well be the world's FIRST ukulele arrangement of "Love is Good for Anything That Ails You" EVAR! FTW!
It's a very simple little arrangement. VERY simple. But I guess that's because...it's a simple song.
Whatever! It's done! And I'm playing it at the Ukulele Recital this Sunday!
My ukulele teacher said, "I have one that's a lot better. Let's do this one instead."
Bahhh. Okay. He was right. "I Can't Give You Anything But Love (Baby!)" was a better song. It was freakin' hard to play and set the bar nice and high.
But I kept hoping we'd come back around to this little guy at some point.
Finally, after many months of nagging, we've got it. What may well be the world's FIRST ukulele arrangement of "Love is Good for Anything That Ails You" EVAR! FTW!
It's a very simple little arrangement. VERY simple. But I guess that's because...it's a simple song.
Whatever! It's done! And I'm playing it at the Ukulele Recital this Sunday!
Click here to go there!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Humanity's Last Great Hope...
There's something in me that says aliens will never succeed in enslaving the human race.
Humanity will endure.
And here's why.
Humanity will endure.
And here's why.
Can you HONESTLY look at this kitten and imagine our world under the rule of crazed Martians from beyond the stars?
No. You can't. Kittens (like the one in the above picture) simply cannot exist in a world of sorrows, of turmoil, of alien savagery. And vice versa. They're mutually exclusive.
When was the last time you saw a Nazi and a kitten in the same picture? That's right. It's an historical fact that there were no kittens in Germany during World War II. Evil hates Cute. And Cute nullifies Evil.
Kind of explains a lot, doesn't it?
So everyone, everywhere, forget about all this global warming hullabaloo.
Instead, do your part and preserve the kittens of Earth. By God, they may save us all.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Earth Day
It's Earth Day. We should all be celebrating by recycling plastic bottles.
And making daisy chains to crown our alien captors with.
Uhh...
Is it just me or has this kind of stuff been happening a whole lot more in the past few years...?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Much Too Big
Went to the contemporary worship service the other night. You know the drill. Drums, keyboard, female vocalist, and a guitar.
The guitar looked absolutely absurd.
The guy playing it was so tiny by comparison. I mean, he was utterly dwarfed by that thing. How can a person play an instrument that large and not feel self-conscious at how foolish they look?
It was positively one of the silliest looking things I can remember seeing in a long, long time.
...
I think I've been playing too much ukulele.
Friday, April 18, 2008
New York Facts
Myth:
New York musical theatre auditions, though scary, are perfectly safe--even fun!--and never result in fatalities.
Fact:
People die all the time at musical auditions. That's why they always take headshots and resumes--so they can identify the bodies.
The last note he sings...will be Death Flat!
Forkulele Friday: Paper Moon
Happy Friday! I spent an hour doing take after take of this one before I finally said, "Forget it. I can't get sing this completely 100% perfectly so I'm just going to throw caution to the wind and relax." So that's what we have here. The song is swell and I don't think the recording turned out too badly.
Click here to go there!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Teh LOLZ! FTW!
Here are some internet expressions that will prove useful to you as you tromp around the blogosphere. I decided to go ahead and skip the LOLs and IMHOs and BRBs and go straight for what will make the best impression on folks when you post on message boards. Take notes!
ZOMG!
Everyone knows what OMG stands for. But sometimes you need a little extra je n'est-ce quois to give certain OMGs the explosive punch they need. That's where the Z comes into play. It doesn't stand for anything. It just looks cool. And it means you're really surprised. Example: "I got the lead in 'Phantom of the Opera!' ZOMG!" The letter Z can also be added to the end of acronyms to heighten their intensity. "LOLZ!" "ROFLZ!" being prime examples.
ftw!
It took me quite a while to figure out what this one meant and it's since become one of my favorites. As I understand it, it has its roots in those badly translated Japanese video games. The letters stand for "For The Win".
I know. What the crap does that mean? It's usually used in conjunction with a particular thing you think is very useful or something that's just plain cool. It's like saying, if you want to succeed, I highly recommend you use this! Examples: "Bazooka, ftw!" or "Unlimited ride metro card, ftw!" or "150 grams of protein a day, ftw!"
Shine Get!
Leave it to the Japanese and their great interest in Western language and culture to provide us with some real gems over the decades. In the Nintendo GameCube game 'Super Mario Sunshine', Mario and Co. go to an island resort where they find the sun isn't shining so brightly. That's because the 150 Shines--little golden star-like things--have been scattered over the island. It's up to Mario to collect them all and return the summertime sun to its original skin-sizzling brilliance. In the US, every time he picks one up, the word "SHINE!" appears on the screen. However, in the Japanese version of the game, it's not just "SHINE!" but...
ZOMG!
Everyone knows what OMG stands for. But sometimes you need a little extra je n'est-ce quois to give certain OMGs the explosive punch they need. That's where the Z comes into play. It doesn't stand for anything. It just looks cool. And it means you're really surprised. Example: "I got the lead in 'Phantom of the Opera!' ZOMG!" The letter Z can also be added to the end of acronyms to heighten their intensity. "LOLZ!" "ROFLZ!" being prime examples.
ftw!
It took me quite a while to figure out what this one meant and it's since become one of my favorites. As I understand it, it has its roots in those badly translated Japanese video games. The letters stand for "For The Win".
I know. What the crap does that mean? It's usually used in conjunction with a particular thing you think is very useful or something that's just plain cool. It's like saying, if you want to succeed, I highly recommend you use this! Examples: "Bazooka, ftw!" or "Unlimited ride metro card, ftw!" or "150 grams of protein a day, ftw!"
Braces, ftw!
Shine Get!
Leave it to the Japanese and their great interest in Western language and culture to provide us with some real gems over the decades. In the Nintendo GameCube game 'Super Mario Sunshine', Mario and Co. go to an island resort where they find the sun isn't shining so brightly. That's because the 150 Shines--little golden star-like things--have been scattered over the island. It's up to Mario to collect them all and return the summertime sun to its original skin-sizzling brilliance. In the US, every time he picks one up, the word "SHINE!" appears on the screen. However, in the Japanese version of the game, it's not just "SHINE!" but...
Since the release of this game, a popular way of expressing joy at the acquisition of something is to say what it is you got, then put the word "GET!" after it. Example: "Tall decaf get!" or "Tax return get!" or "Ukulele get!"
Teh
Teh = The. Arguably the most important word in internet-speak, this popular misspelling came from the days before voice chat in online games, when you had to type to your teammates. Go too fast and the always becomes teh. Use "teh" liberally. It can be used in front of just about anything. From "Teh cocker spani0lz, ftw!" to "Teh lolz!", teh should be used as frequently as possible.
pwned
Also from the world of Teh comes "pwned" which is simply a misspelling of the word "owned". You're playing an online shooting game and you kill someone. That guy just got pwned. Pronounced "pohn'd" not "poo-awn'd".
n00b
If you're new at something, you might be called a "newbie". But here in the 21st Century, you'll probably be called a "n00b" (spelled with zeros and pronounced "Newb", not "newbie" as I originally thought). It's your first night on the job. You're carrying a tray of dishes to the table when you slip and splat lentil soup all over Mrs. Wherewithal's fur stole. If she has a good sense of humor about it, and knows some internet jargon, she'll point at you and say, "Teh n00b!"
Evar
Sometimes you really want to drive home the fact that whatever it is you're talking about is without question, the apotheosis. Simple! Just change the "ever" to "evar". Again, this has its roots on internet forums where fast-typing illiterates enthusiastically gush about something they love. If you're afraid the A won't make the point clearly enough, add some !!!1!!1!. Example: Teh cock0r spani0lz, ftw! ZOMG! Teh best dog EVAR!!!1!
---zorz!
Finally, we have "---zorz!". If I remember my Schoolhouse Rock correctly, this is like an internet adverb. You add it to the end of words like "Lame" or "Suck" or "Rock". See all those Zs? By now you know what they do. That's right! They make things more intense! So instead of something being simply LAME, it can now be LAMEZORZ! If it's freakin' awesome, it roxzorz (Note, the "ck" of "rock" and "suck" always become Xs. Also note, all letter Os can (and usually should) be replaced with zeros whenever possiblez0rz.) Usually used with a preceding "teh". Example: Teh bestz0rz.
BONUS WORDS! SOMETHING LUCKY IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!
An up-and-comer in internet lingo is the word "FAIL". You think something sucks or has the potential to be really bad? It is "total FAIL". Easy, no? Example: "The Iron Man trailer = Great. The Iron Man movie = FAIL!" Usually used as a speculative term for things that have yet to be released.
A word that didn't QUITE make it was "FACE!" It started to take hold, but couldn't break through, probably because it can only be used when something happens to your head. Like if you're walking down the street and accidentally walk face-first into a pole, someone should shout "FACE!" If you get hit with a creme pie, someone should shout, "FACE!" If a volleyball hits you in the nose, everyone should shout, "FACE!" Basically a variation on "pwned".
Also worthy of mention is the new and improved WIBAMU which stands for "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle." I've found that this one, however, is much more fun to say than type.
Face!
Didn't Die
OH YEAH!
I had my first REAL New York musical theatre audition yesterday.
No ukuleles. Ill prepared. Scrambling to find my sheet music. Scared out of my PANTS.
The usual New York musical theatre audition types were there. Gossipy girls, noisy queens, overbuilt dudes with funny noses, girls who needed nose jobs...
You could hear the kids inside the audition room. It seemed like every one of them was a high tenor with a bad belt. Or a loud alto with an okay belt. Still, they were beltier than me. I was so scared I thought my heart was going to explode.
I went in and did my 16 bars.
It ended. They said that was "great" and thanks for sticking to 16 bars unlike half the folks they had seen earlier that day.
Holy crap, guys! I did a REAL New York musical audition!! And I DIDN'T DIE!
I had my first REAL New York musical theatre audition yesterday.
No ukuleles. Ill prepared. Scrambling to find my sheet music. Scared out of my PANTS.
The usual New York musical theatre audition types were there. Gossipy girls, noisy queens, overbuilt dudes with funny noses, girls who needed nose jobs...
You could hear the kids inside the audition room. It seemed like every one of them was a high tenor with a bad belt. Or a loud alto with an okay belt. Still, they were beltier than me. I was so scared I thought my heart was going to explode.
I went in and did my 16 bars.
It ended. They said that was "great" and thanks for sticking to 16 bars unlike half the folks they had seen earlier that day.
Holy crap, guys! I did a REAL New York musical audition!! And I DIDN'T DIE!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Insecure
Something funny's going on. In the past week, two of my friends have posted about feeling insecure. Or if not outright insecure, then at least begging the question, "Do I measure up?"
Okay. It's my turn.
I'm probably going to have second thoughts and delete this post by tomorrow, but until I do...here goes.
I've always been terribly insecure.
I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong,
that I don't have enough money,
that my abs aren't defined enough,
my arms aren't big enough,
I'm not attractive enough,
I'm not "butch" enough,
I don't write enough,
I don't write well enough,
I don't call my friends often enough,
I'm not talented enough,
I'm not motivated enough,
and that--secretly--most people don't like me very much.
I say all this because the subject of happiness came up in a conversation I was having with the artist--er--boss I work for.
We were talking about what a funny thing celebrity is. Why do people want to meet famous people? What do we think they can do for us?
We managed to boil it down to "junior high". Oooh, look. The popular kid spoke to ME. That makes me important and special.
Then we started talking about BEING a celebrity. Would being famous really make a person happy? We creative types dream up lofty heights to which we aspire--but once/if we arrive there, what then? Does the journey stop? When your name and face light up Times Square do you stop looking for whatever it was you were looking for?
And what were you looking for to begin with?
I think actors are looking for contentedness. Or if they're not looking for it, it's something they struggle with.
Not contentedness in the "I'll just stay here and do shows at the Waco Civic Theatre for the rest of my life because Waco is an okay town, and Valley Mills Drive is alright I guess" sort of way. Contentedness in the moment.
Contentedness like, "This ukulele show may be the closest I ever get to doing a real Broadway musical. And I'm not only okay with that, I'm thrilled at the chance to play this four stringed guitar and live a life of adventure most Nine-to-Fivers only dream of. Tomorrow I may have to move to South Carolina, but today, today I'm going to enjoy being my talented, six-packed self. Who CAN sing, dammit!"
Oh no. We can't have that, can we?
That's when the tapes start playing.
If you weren't such a wimp you'd really sing out like the guy with the ukulele in American Idol. But you can't do that. Remember how much the critics hated your singing in 'Midsummer'? Remember how you made a fool of yourself in front of your family on opening night?
I think I may be getting slightly off-topic and entering into the What's Really Going On Under All Those Curls Land. But it's relevant. I mean, we look at other people and think, "MAN. If I ONLY had that" or "If I ONLY knew this person" or "If I only WAS this person...THEN I'd be happy. THEN I'd have it ALL TOGETHER."
We waste our lives doing it. It makes us unhappy people. Instead of wanting the best for others, we start immediately looking for flaws they have that make us feel better about ourselves. We look at our talents and abilities and pleasant facial features that God gave us and think, "Man...I suck."
I can't imagine that makes our Creator very happy. And I don't say that in a self-righteous way either. I mean, stop and think about that. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't mean to say He wants us to be happy with being average in what we do. He wants us to be excellent and to use our gifts as best we can. To make them better.
Maybe that's why we're not supposed to covet what our neighbor has, but try to be happy with the things we have now.
To be continued...
For related reading click here and here.
Okay. It's my turn.
I'm probably going to have second thoughts and delete this post by tomorrow, but until I do...here goes.
I've always been terribly insecure.
I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong,
that I don't have enough money,
that my abs aren't defined enough,
my arms aren't big enough,
I'm not attractive enough,
I'm not "butch" enough,
I don't write enough,
I don't write well enough,
I don't call my friends often enough,
I'm not talented enough,
I'm not motivated enough,
and that--secretly--most people don't like me very much.
I say all this because the subject of happiness came up in a conversation I was having with the artist--er--boss I work for.
We were talking about what a funny thing celebrity is. Why do people want to meet famous people? What do we think they can do for us?
We managed to boil it down to "junior high". Oooh, look. The popular kid spoke to ME. That makes me important and special.
Then we started talking about BEING a celebrity. Would being famous really make a person happy? We creative types dream up lofty heights to which we aspire--but once/if we arrive there, what then? Does the journey stop? When your name and face light up Times Square do you stop looking for whatever it was you were looking for?
And what were you looking for to begin with?
I think actors are looking for contentedness. Or if they're not looking for it, it's something they struggle with.
Not contentedness in the "I'll just stay here and do shows at the Waco Civic Theatre for the rest of my life because Waco is an okay town, and Valley Mills Drive is alright I guess" sort of way. Contentedness in the moment.
Contentedness like, "This ukulele show may be the closest I ever get to doing a real Broadway musical. And I'm not only okay with that, I'm thrilled at the chance to play this four stringed guitar and live a life of adventure most Nine-to-Fivers only dream of. Tomorrow I may have to move to South Carolina, but today, today I'm going to enjoy being my talented, six-packed self. Who CAN sing, dammit!"
Oh no. We can't have that, can we?
That's when the tapes start playing.
If you weren't such a wimp you'd really sing out like the guy with the ukulele in American Idol. But you can't do that. Remember how much the critics hated your singing in 'Midsummer'? Remember how you made a fool of yourself in front of your family on opening night?
I think I may be getting slightly off-topic and entering into the What's Really Going On Under All Those Curls Land. But it's relevant. I mean, we look at other people and think, "MAN. If I ONLY had that" or "If I ONLY knew this person" or "If I only WAS this person...THEN I'd be happy. THEN I'd have it ALL TOGETHER."
We waste our lives doing it. It makes us unhappy people. Instead of wanting the best for others, we start immediately looking for flaws they have that make us feel better about ourselves. We look at our talents and abilities and pleasant facial features that God gave us and think, "Man...I suck."
I can't imagine that makes our Creator very happy. And I don't say that in a self-righteous way either. I mean, stop and think about that. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't mean to say He wants us to be happy with being average in what we do. He wants us to be excellent and to use our gifts as best we can. To make them better.
Maybe that's why we're not supposed to covet what our neighbor has, but try to be happy with the things we have now.
To be continued...
For related reading click here and here.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Someday
Someday I'll be famous and all kinds of people I don't know will casually refer to me as "Forky" instead of "Mr. Fork".
That'll be the day.
In the meantime, watch this. It's fascinating in a "King of Kong" sort of way (you know--that movie I told you to run out and watch, like, three months ago). How different we were in the 80s. Nowadays that fat kid playing Super Mario Brothers would be plopped right at the front end of a news story about childhood obesity. But not in the 80s!
I've about had it with today. I'm going to do the unthinkable and go to bed at 9 tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. I pulled a Heath Ledger and took a bunch of sleeping pills so maybe that'll help out.
That'll be the day.
In the meantime, watch this. It's fascinating in a "King of Kong" sort of way (you know--that movie I told you to run out and watch, like, three months ago). How different we were in the 80s. Nowadays that fat kid playing Super Mario Brothers would be plopped right at the front end of a news story about childhood obesity. But not in the 80s!
I've about had it with today. I'm going to do the unthinkable and go to bed at 9 tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. I pulled a Heath Ledger and took a bunch of sleeping pills so maybe that'll help out.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Forkulele Friday: Pennies From Heaven
I keep coming back to this song. I found it really moving the first time I heard it a few years ago(thanks, Bibb!). There's just something pretty and simple and lovely about it. Bad things happen, but as a result, they make the good things seem even better.
It's not for everybody. The first person I played it for said, "That song is stupid."
Nuts to them. I'm adding this one to my permanent repitoire!
Happy Friday!
Click here to go there!
It's not for everybody. The first person I played it for said, "That song is stupid."
Nuts to them. I'm adding this one to my permanent repitoire!
Happy Friday!
Click here to go there!Thursday, April 10, 2008
Dear New York
Dear New York City,
Hello! This is Fork. I know this is a little awkward, me writing you a letter instead of just telling you how I feel, but I find myself able to organize my thoughts better this way. And I don't want to say the wrong thing.
You see, I'm sure you've noticed that you and I have been on-again, off-again for the past year and a half. I just sorta feel like we need to sit down and talk about our relationship and where you see it headed.
First, let me just say we've had some great times together. I mean, you're GREAT FUN. Everything I could ever want to see or do or be...I mean, it's all in you. Theatre, parks, museums, opera, history, concerts, ukulele lessons, creepy amusement parks, dangerous neighborhoods, hotel lobbies, fine dining...it seems like there's nothing you don't do.
Sometimes I sit in my little tenament and think, "Wow. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe you're mine! ALL MINE! I mean, geeze!"
And therein lies the problem.
See, sweetie, I kind of feel like you've ruined me for all other places.
Please don't take that the wrong way. I mean that in a GOOD way, honey.
I mean, a good...problematic sort of way.
What I'm trying to say is I don't think we're going to be together forever. I know, that sounds really bad, but come on. Let's face the facts: You're a really expensive date, for one thing. And you're always going. You just don't know when to stop. Someday I see myself wanting you to be quieter and greener and for you to speak English a little more often than you do. And it would be foolish of me to expect you to change. I don't want you to change.
So the only option is for me to change. Or find somebody new.
You know that South Carolina has been trying to woo me for several months. And I've been seriously thinking about all she has to offer. There are definite upsies and downsies to her. I mean, she's a REAL lady. She knows how to pretty herself up and be genteel. She's not LOUD. She's not DEMANDING. And what's more, she's making me all these promises about wealth and security and in exchange, all she wants is my dreams and aspirations. And. Well. YOU, of course.
She's is a little overweight. She doesn't have your figure. But I think I could grow to love her. In her own way.
I mean, I'll never love her the way I love you. What we have is special.
But the problem is, I've worked all my short 28 years to meet someone like you. No--to meet YOU. Everything has built up to this relationship we have right now.
So how can I leave you for someone else?
Okay. The ball is in your court. I'll wait for your reply. Please make it as unemotional as you can. And remember, no matter what happens, you'll always be my "goil". ;^)
Love,
Fork
Hello! This is Fork. I know this is a little awkward, me writing you a letter instead of just telling you how I feel, but I find myself able to organize my thoughts better this way. And I don't want to say the wrong thing.
You see, I'm sure you've noticed that you and I have been on-again, off-again for the past year and a half. I just sorta feel like we need to sit down and talk about our relationship and where you see it headed.
First, let me just say we've had some great times together. I mean, you're GREAT FUN. Everything I could ever want to see or do or be...I mean, it's all in you. Theatre, parks, museums, opera, history, concerts, ukulele lessons, creepy amusement parks, dangerous neighborhoods, hotel lobbies, fine dining...it seems like there's nothing you don't do.
Sometimes I sit in my little tenament and think, "Wow. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe you're mine! ALL MINE! I mean, geeze!"
And therein lies the problem.
See, sweetie, I kind of feel like you've ruined me for all other places.
Please don't take that the wrong way. I mean that in a GOOD way, honey.
I mean, a good...problematic sort of way.
What I'm trying to say is I don't think we're going to be together forever. I know, that sounds really bad, but come on. Let's face the facts: You're a really expensive date, for one thing. And you're always going. You just don't know when to stop. Someday I see myself wanting you to be quieter and greener and for you to speak English a little more often than you do. And it would be foolish of me to expect you to change. I don't want you to change.
So the only option is for me to change. Or find somebody new.
You know that South Carolina has been trying to woo me for several months. And I've been seriously thinking about all she has to offer. There are definite upsies and downsies to her. I mean, she's a REAL lady. She knows how to pretty herself up and be genteel. She's not LOUD. She's not DEMANDING. And what's more, she's making me all these promises about wealth and security and in exchange, all she wants is my dreams and aspirations. And. Well. YOU, of course.
She's is a little overweight. She doesn't have your figure. But I think I could grow to love her. In her own way.
I mean, I'll never love her the way I love you. What we have is special.
But the problem is, I've worked all my short 28 years to meet someone like you. No--to meet YOU. Everything has built up to this relationship we have right now.
So how can I leave you for someone else?
Okay. The ball is in your court. I'll wait for your reply. Please make it as unemotional as you can. And remember, no matter what happens, you'll always be my "goil". ;^)
Love,
Fork
Postmortem
I didn't think I'd ever get around to writing this. In fact, I'm still not sure I'm going to get around to debriefing. This show just won't die. I mean, almost a week since we closed, we got another review.
The final weekend was just so dang dark. I mean, up until then, it was pretty fun. Despite the major bumps we ran into along the way and me realizing I have GOT to learn to chill out when idiots take over the world, it was all pretty much a positive experience.
So the ukulele carnies hating the show, followed by surprise after surprise in the form of, "I can't pay the chorus" to "There's a rival ukulele group trying to destroy the festival" to "The Festival has been destroyed--this is the last one" to "I'm stealing the pants I wore in the show. I don't care if they're not mine. That's not my problem"...
It just deteriorated. I mean, on the upsies, I'm now a member of the New York Fourstringedguitar Ensemble. On the downsies, so is Nasty Blonde who can't really play the instrument even though she thinks she can. I guess they think she's cute or...whatever.
So it's hard to feel too torn up about it. Hmm. I need to think about this some more.
The final weekend was just so dang dark. I mean, up until then, it was pretty fun. Despite the major bumps we ran into along the way and me realizing I have GOT to learn to chill out when idiots take over the world, it was all pretty much a positive experience.
So the ukulele carnies hating the show, followed by surprise after surprise in the form of, "I can't pay the chorus" to "There's a rival ukulele group trying to destroy the festival" to "The Festival has been destroyed--this is the last one" to "I'm stealing the pants I wore in the show. I don't care if they're not mine. That's not my problem"...
It just deteriorated. I mean, on the upsies, I'm now a member of the New York Fourstringedguitar Ensemble. On the downsies, so is Nasty Blonde who can't really play the instrument even though she thinks she can. I guess they think she's cute or...whatever.
So it's hard to feel too torn up about it. Hmm. I need to think about this some more.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Smokey Fork's Apt - Update
I managed to stir up a hornet's nest by sending out an email to all the folks on our tenant's association email list. It seems they were all waiting for someone else to mention the clouds of smoke filling our building first.
Because suddenly EVERYONE'S reply all-ing saying, "YEAH! I was wondering if it was bothering anyone else! What do we DO?!"
The vice president of our tenant's association, the Kindly Red-Headed Gossip on the 3rd Floor (KRHGot3F) went next door and asked them to please effing stop.
Well, that pushed it over the edge with them. They apologized and said they'd move the guys to the west side of the building.
Hallelu.
Now, some may say that this is an example of sexism. I mean, they didn't respond to me. But a tall KRHGot3F walks in the room and the bend over backwards to please her.
But that's only because they knew I'd be back if they turned her away.
Geeze. I feel so confrontational. Like I'm ready to kick some serious ass or something. I'm telling you...it's all the squats. They do something to you.
RAAAR!
Because suddenly EVERYONE'S reply all-ing saying, "YEAH! I was wondering if it was bothering anyone else! What do we DO?!"
The vice president of our tenant's association, the Kindly Red-Headed Gossip on the 3rd Floor (KRHGot3F) went next door and asked them to please effing stop.
Well, that pushed it over the edge with them. They apologized and said they'd move the guys to the west side of the building.
Hallelu.
Now, some may say that this is an example of sexism. I mean, they didn't respond to me. But a tall KRHGot3F walks in the room and the bend over backwards to please her.
But that's only because they knew I'd be back if they turned her away.
Geeze. I feel so confrontational. Like I'm ready to kick some serious ass or something. I'm telling you...it's all the squats. They do something to you.
RAAAR!
So I'm thinking about using this as my new headshot. What do you guys think?
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Smokey Fork's Apt
The post-mortem on the Four-Stringed Guitar Festival/Convention is on its way.
But I can't write *anything* as long as there are 10-15 men standing outside my window smoking.
Oh yes. The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center has long been a good neighbor. However, starting on the 1st of this month, they've moved their "designated smoking area" from the front of their building...
...To the back. Which is part of our apartment building's air shaft.
This means from the hours of 6am-11pm, that space is filled with smokers.
And the only place for the smoke to go is in our windows.
It's time for activist Fork to show his stuff and make demands. I haven't been taking all this protein and growing a beard for nothing!
But I can't write *anything* as long as there are 10-15 men standing outside my window smoking.
Oh yes. The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center has long been a good neighbor. However, starting on the 1st of this month, they've moved their "designated smoking area" from the front of their building...
...To the back. Which is part of our apartment building's air shaft.
This means from the hours of 6am-11pm, that space is filled with smokers.
And the only place for the smoke to go is in our windows.
It's time for activist Fork to show his stuff and make demands. I haven't been taking all this protein and growing a beard for nothing!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Plunk
The FourStringedGuitar Convention is almost over.
What a ride this has been. The second night of the festival, we had one of the worst audiences of all time.
Two people actually stomped down the stairs and slammed the door on their way out. The rest refused to laugh at the bits, applaud for the songs...it was bad.
And of course, when you ask the mutinous Nasty Blonde and her Stage Management chum why that happened, they offer up all too eagerly, "OF COURSE people hate this show. It's R-tarded."
I don't really like their attitudes.
Last night's audience was a little better.
We have one final show tonight.
There's trouble in paradise.
FourStringedGuitar Bill pulled me and Nasty Blonde aside during the fun yesterday afternoon.
"We're a flop."
?
"We're a complete and unadulterated bust. Critically, with the exception of those idiots at the New Jerk Times, we're a big success. But financially, we're thousands of dollars in the hole. I don't know what to do. I'm paying the four leads because--well--you've worked longer than the ensemble and you deserve it. But I don't know what to do about the ensemble. I can't pay them the full amount right now."
Tears. The shakes. Announcing that he hasn't slept in days. That he got drunk for the first time in a decade last night, despite his precarious liver condition.
It was one of those situations where the only thing to do was to be noble. As soon as she could, Nasty Blonde booked it out of the room, a sack of money in her hand and "The dancers are in a different league anyway--they should just deal with it" on her lips.
Meanwhile, FourStringedGuitar Bill and I had a little talk about why we what we do. About art. About music and theatre. About why we are artists. What REALLY drives us. What's REALLY important. And what's REALLY important right now is to keep the catty ensemble from lynching him after our final show.
It's funny to think it all ends like this. I mean, the fates/stars/circumstances all seemed to have alligned over this thing. Ukulele lessons for a year. Practicing every day so's to get really good at the instrument. Started singing again thanks to Forkulele Friday. Confidence finally rebuilt after two long years of terrifying 'Midsummer' flashbacks...
...and suddenly...a posting! It's an audition for a UKULELE MUSICAL! And they need a fresh-faced lad in his mid-twenties to play the young male lead!
And I'm ready for it!
I mean, with circumstances like that...(what are the odds?!)...you can't help but think this little show has GOT to somehow lead to more than just a critically acclaimed but financially disasterous production in a 65 seat black box in the East Village. That it has some higher destiny to fulfill.
Who knows. Maybe it does. Stranger things have happened...
Oh yeah. And check this out if you haven't already. Bibb Leo File's blog (Fancypants, this guy was Womper in 'H2$' at Alma Mater U). He's written what I believe to be the Best. Post. Ever.
What a ride this has been. The second night of the festival, we had one of the worst audiences of all time.
Two people actually stomped down the stairs and slammed the door on their way out. The rest refused to laugh at the bits, applaud for the songs...it was bad.
And of course, when you ask the mutinous Nasty Blonde and her Stage Management chum why that happened, they offer up all too eagerly, "OF COURSE people hate this show. It's R-tarded."
I don't really like their attitudes.
Last night's audience was a little better.
We have one final show tonight.
There's trouble in paradise.
FourStringedGuitar Bill pulled me and Nasty Blonde aside during the fun yesterday afternoon.
"We're a flop."
?
"We're a complete and unadulterated bust. Critically, with the exception of those idiots at the New Jerk Times, we're a big success. But financially, we're thousands of dollars in the hole. I don't know what to do. I'm paying the four leads because--well--you've worked longer than the ensemble and you deserve it. But I don't know what to do about the ensemble. I can't pay them the full amount right now."
Tears. The shakes. Announcing that he hasn't slept in days. That he got drunk for the first time in a decade last night, despite his precarious liver condition.
It was one of those situations where the only thing to do was to be noble. As soon as she could, Nasty Blonde booked it out of the room, a sack of money in her hand and "The dancers are in a different league anyway--they should just deal with it" on her lips.
Meanwhile, FourStringedGuitar Bill and I had a little talk about why we what we do. About art. About music and theatre. About why we are artists. What REALLY drives us. What's REALLY important. And what's REALLY important right now is to keep the catty ensemble from lynching him after our final show.
It's funny to think it all ends like this. I mean, the fates/stars/circumstances all seemed to have alligned over this thing. Ukulele lessons for a year. Practicing every day so's to get really good at the instrument. Started singing again thanks to Forkulele Friday. Confidence finally rebuilt after two long years of terrifying 'Midsummer' flashbacks...
...and suddenly...a posting! It's an audition for a UKULELE MUSICAL! And they need a fresh-faced lad in his mid-twenties to play the young male lead!
And I'm ready for it!
I mean, with circumstances like that...(what are the odds?!)...you can't help but think this little show has GOT to somehow lead to more than just a critically acclaimed but financially disasterous production in a 65 seat black box in the East Village. That it has some higher destiny to fulfill.
Who knows. Maybe it does. Stranger things have happened...
Oh yeah. And check this out if you haven't already. Bibb Leo File's blog (Fancypants, this guy was Womper in 'H2$' at Alma Mater U). He's written what I believe to be the Best. Post. Ever.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Protein
I'm really doing it this time, guys.
I've managed to figure out how to make it work. And for the rest of the month, I'm sticking with it.
Rectus abdominus be damned. It's time, y'all.
April is "Get Bigger Even If It Means Temporarily Losing Your Abs Because In Order To Gain Muscle Mass You Have To Eat A Lot, Cut Out Cardio, And Not Be Afraid To Put On A Little Body Fat" month.
All the muscle guys I've consulted have told me the same thing: If you want to get bigger, in addition to lifting reeeeally heavy things, the main thing you need to do is make sure you're consuming a gram of protein for every pound of flesh and bone on your not-tan Scots-Irish frame.
That's 143 grams of protein a day.
I've eaten so much soy, whey isolate, chicken, beef, nuts, eggs, and cheese in the past two days you could cover my poop in delicious milk chocolate and sell it as protein bars.
I've managed to figure out how to make it work. And for the rest of the month, I'm sticking with it.
Rectus abdominus be damned. It's time, y'all.
April is "Get Bigger Even If It Means Temporarily Losing Your Abs Because In Order To Gain Muscle Mass You Have To Eat A Lot, Cut Out Cardio, And Not Be Afraid To Put On A Little Body Fat" month.
All the muscle guys I've consulted have told me the same thing: If you want to get bigger, in addition to lifting reeeeally heavy things, the main thing you need to do is make sure you're consuming a gram of protein for every pound of flesh and bone on your not-tan Scots-Irish frame.
That's 143 grams of protein a day.
I've eaten so much soy, whey isolate, chicken, beef, nuts, eggs, and cheese in the past two days you could cover my poop in delicious milk chocolate and sell it as protein bars.
Vanilla Ice Cream
I saw her last night. She was performing her cabaret in the "cafe" section of this hotel.
This woman sat so close to me, I could have reached down from my "cheap seat" at the bar and snatched her hair.
A rum and coke was $13.50.
A cheeseburger was $27.00.
A "cheap seat" at the bar was $70.00.
Granted, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see one of the greatest performers to come out of the "Golden Age" of Broadway. Hey. It's New York. You take advantage of the mind-blowing wealth of world-class things to do and see. This is why we built a concrete island and filled it with the brightest and best the human race has to offer.
But it goes back to what my ukulele teacher said at our last lesson:
"Theatre used to be for 'the people'. Not anymore. These days it's for the rich."
Ol' Cookie was up on that stage singing songs of passion and struggle and overcoming impossible obstacles all in the name of love; love that endures trials and poverty and thousands of miles.
Her audience was a bunch of bored New York millionaires who nibbled on caviar and applauded loudly at her expensive brilliance. Didn't see too many of the types of people she was actually singing about though.
Hmm.
This woman sat so close to me, I could have reached down from my "cheap seat" at the bar and snatched her hair.
A rum and coke was $13.50.
A cheeseburger was $27.00.
A "cheap seat" at the bar was $70.00.
Granted, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see one of the greatest performers to come out of the "Golden Age" of Broadway. Hey. It's New York. You take advantage of the mind-blowing wealth of world-class things to do and see. This is why we built a concrete island and filled it with the brightest and best the human race has to offer.
But it goes back to what my ukulele teacher said at our last lesson:
"Theatre used to be for 'the people'. Not anymore. These days it's for the rich."
Ol' Cookie was up on that stage singing songs of passion and struggle and overcoming impossible obstacles all in the name of love; love that endures trials and poverty and thousands of miles.
Her audience was a bunch of bored New York millionaires who nibbled on caviar and applauded loudly at her expensive brilliance. Didn't see too many of the types of people she was actually singing about though.
Hmm.
FourStringedGuitarLand
The New York Four Stringed Guitar Festival/Convention begins today.
The event draws people from all over the globe.
And a lot of them are real weirdos.
This is going to be a VERY interesting weekend.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The Morning After
Boy, do I feel better.
It's incredible how a night's sleep can put a thousand miles between you and whatever crappy thing happened to you the day before. I downloaded some original doo wop music, eating a large bowl of cereal, about to go "temp"...it's great.
Nothing can stop me. I am on. My. Way.
It's incredible how a night's sleep can put a thousand miles between you and whatever crappy thing happened to you the day before. I downloaded some original doo wop music, eating a large bowl of cereal, about to go "temp"...it's great.
Nothing can stop me. I am on. My. Way.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Today Effing Sux
What is this? Is this some kind of elaborate April Fool's joke?
I'm about to do another rant. So don't read this if you don't want to hear someone whine.
Skinny is the new fat
I'm so tired of hearing people tell me how little I am. Do these people have any idea how much I work out? I'm not talking about cardio. I'm talking about trying to GET BIGGER.
But people won't stop saying, "Ew. You're so SKINNY."
LOOK.
SERIOUSLY.
Enough already.
Here's a tip: Don't tell a man he's little and skinny. Just don't. That's mean. That's like telling a girl she's fat/needs a nose job. We live in a society where men have just as much trouble with body image as women, but are expected to just deal with it.
*ahem*
Another Audition
I got a phone call early in the morning to audition for those Seussical the Meussical people. It's a big touring company that does children's shows.
The guy on the phone didn't give me many details--just that an actor had to drop out of their tour and they needed a replacement. Sides would be provided and bring 16 bars of something.
Okay. Easy. What fun.
I got there with my ukulele, ready to go. The audition center was packed to the gills with queenie little twinks flitting and fluttering about, I had to brush pixie dust off my coat before I went in to audition.
That being accomplished, I went in.
The piano accompanist sees my ukulele and gets all bright and excited. The other folks in the room suddenly perk up from whatever bored stupor they'd been in.
That's when the main casting lady looked up. She grimaces and says, "A ukulele?"
"Yes! It's a ukulele!"
"Oh wow. I'm so worried."
"Worried? Why?"
"You do know there's no ukulele in this show, don't you?"
"Yes, of course. But I just thought I'd accompany myself on a song with this."
"Don't you have piano music?"
"Well, no. You see--"
"You don't?"
"Umm. No. You see, I don't usually do musical auditions."
"Oh, well. Then why are you here?"
Do I really need to go further with this? The audition was an absolute disaster. She flat REFUSED to let me just sing 16 bars. REFUSED! I was TOTALLY shut down! I was speechless. She even went so far as to imply she was insulted that I would waste everyone's time by bringing that thing in.
"Well, ma'am," I tried, "Since I moved here two years ago I've focused mainly on regular plays. But this morning I got a phone call about this show and I wasn't sure what we were even supposed to be singing."
"This is a big waste of our time. This guy can't sing. You can read the sides if you want."
I was so incredibly offended by this woman. This "musical" they're trying to cast? It's got a COUPLE of spirituals sung by a chorus. That's IT! It's not an effing OPERA.
I mean, look, folks...
An audition is like an interview. It is NOT a one-sided thing. These people THINK it's all about THEM. In REALITY, it's just as much about the person auditioning. I walk in, look at these people, and decide, "Do I want to spend my time and energy working with these people? Will this be a pleasant experience?"
But these folks think we're coming--begging--pleading--NEEDING them to cast us. So they treat us like garbage, totally disrespect us, and dismiss us. Like some kind of children's musical theatre one-night stand!
I got home and sent the woman an email apologizing profusely for wasting the time of her and her colleages, tried to explain WHY I brought the ukulele, and attached a Forkulele MP3 for her listening pleasure.
She called me back. I hit IGNORE and sent her straight to voicemail.
Her message basically said, "If you don't want to do musicals you need to remove them from your resume."
Oh HOLY night. I NEVER said I didn't want to do musicals. I NEVER said I couldn't sing! I TOLD her I didn't usually audition for musicals but I had this ukulele--!
Oh, I'm so mad.
The Rent
On top of that, I'm certain my parents are horrified at the news that my rent is very likely to be dramatically reduced. Oh yes. They read this blog. And they want me in South Carolina. But why the crap would I leave New York when I've got a rent stabilized apartment a couple of blocks away from Times Square?
I mean, I'd have to be nuts to give this up!
The Weather
And it's REALLY warm and humid today.
Okay. I'm done for now. You guys are so nice for indulging me.
I'm about to do another rant. So don't read this if you don't want to hear someone whine.
Skinny is the new fat
I'm so tired of hearing people tell me how little I am. Do these people have any idea how much I work out? I'm not talking about cardio. I'm talking about trying to GET BIGGER.
But people won't stop saying, "Ew. You're so SKINNY."
LOOK.
SERIOUSLY.
Enough already.
Here's a tip: Don't tell a man he's little and skinny. Just don't. That's mean. That's like telling a girl she's fat/needs a nose job. We live in a society where men have just as much trouble with body image as women, but are expected to just deal with it.
*ahem*
Another Audition
I got a phone call early in the morning to audition for those Seussical the Meussical people. It's a big touring company that does children's shows.
The guy on the phone didn't give me many details--just that an actor had to drop out of their tour and they needed a replacement. Sides would be provided and bring 16 bars of something.
Okay. Easy. What fun.
I got there with my ukulele, ready to go. The audition center was packed to the gills with queenie little twinks flitting and fluttering about, I had to brush pixie dust off my coat before I went in to audition.
That being accomplished, I went in.
The piano accompanist sees my ukulele and gets all bright and excited. The other folks in the room suddenly perk up from whatever bored stupor they'd been in.
That's when the main casting lady looked up. She grimaces and says, "A ukulele?"
"Yes! It's a ukulele!"
"Oh wow. I'm so worried."
"Worried? Why?"
"You do know there's no ukulele in this show, don't you?"
"Yes, of course. But I just thought I'd accompany myself on a song with this."
"Don't you have piano music?"
"Well, no. You see--"
"You don't?"
"Umm. No. You see, I don't usually do musical auditions."
"Oh, well. Then why are you here?"
Do I really need to go further with this? The audition was an absolute disaster. She flat REFUSED to let me just sing 16 bars. REFUSED! I was TOTALLY shut down! I was speechless. She even went so far as to imply she was insulted that I would waste everyone's time by bringing that thing in.
"Well, ma'am," I tried, "Since I moved here two years ago I've focused mainly on regular plays. But this morning I got a phone call about this show and I wasn't sure what we were even supposed to be singing."
"This is a big waste of our time. This guy can't sing. You can read the sides if you want."
I was so incredibly offended by this woman. This "musical" they're trying to cast? It's got a COUPLE of spirituals sung by a chorus. That's IT! It's not an effing OPERA.
I mean, look, folks...
An audition is like an interview. It is NOT a one-sided thing. These people THINK it's all about THEM. In REALITY, it's just as much about the person auditioning. I walk in, look at these people, and decide, "Do I want to spend my time and energy working with these people? Will this be a pleasant experience?"
But these folks think we're coming--begging--pleading--NEEDING them to cast us. So they treat us like garbage, totally disrespect us, and dismiss us. Like some kind of children's musical theatre one-night stand!
I got home and sent the woman an email apologizing profusely for wasting the time of her and her colleages, tried to explain WHY I brought the ukulele, and attached a Forkulele MP3 for her listening pleasure.
She called me back. I hit IGNORE and sent her straight to voicemail.
Her message basically said, "If you don't want to do musicals you need to remove them from your resume."
Oh HOLY night. I NEVER said I didn't want to do musicals. I NEVER said I couldn't sing! I TOLD her I didn't usually audition for musicals but I had this ukulele--!
Oh, I'm so mad.
The Rent
On top of that, I'm certain my parents are horrified at the news that my rent is very likely to be dramatically reduced. Oh yes. They read this blog. And they want me in South Carolina. But why the crap would I leave New York when I've got a rent stabilized apartment a couple of blocks away from Times Square?
I mean, I'd have to be nuts to give this up!
The Weather
And it's REALLY warm and humid today.
Okay. I'm done for now. You guys are so nice for indulging me.
2 for 1
Today's the Feast of the Annunciation!
It's also April Fool's Day.
I'll leave you to ponder this.
It's also April Fool's Day.
I'll leave you to ponder this.
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