Brains a la Mode

(Gray-ham said he was gonna do this, but he hasn't yet...so I thought I'd help him out.)

If America's population of witches and warlocks did what they were supposed to do last night--and their majick spells and prayers to Nimrod worked (at the stroke of 6:66, naturalment)--your average metropolis should be gradually filling with zombies, animated skeletons, and Lovecraftian fish-people...right now!

Some survival tips:

1. Aim for the head.

2. Don't eat after people. Sharing food is an excellent way to contract a zombie virus.

3. Don't eat people. If you do, you've probably already contracted a zombie virus. Sucks to be you!

4. Be a Christian. If your soul belongs to the creator of heaven and earth, no amount of voodoo witchcraft can bring you back to be an undead servant of evil from the cracked, steaming fissures of hell. That's because you won't be in hell. You'll be in heaven. Where everyone plays beautiful golden harps and the clouds taste like cotton candy. Mighty Pat will be there, guarding the gates with his super-quads. The temporal plane will be in turmoil, but we'll have nothing to worry about.

5. Learn a skeleton dance. Skeletons love to dance, particularly to their favorite song, 'Dem Dry Bones.' If you find yourself surrounded by the undead, grab a pair of femurs and go to town on a nearby ribcage. The sound of your xylo-bone will set them dancing.

6. Convert! About to be eaten by the fish-headed members of the Esoteric Order of Dagon? Hit your knees and offer up a prayer to Cthulu, the alien squid that came to earth in the eons before time began and was sealed away in the depths of the sea, ironically, by its own black magic. The fish-people will think you're one of "them" and let you live. The downside: they may turn you into a man-eating fish person too. But hey, you'll still be alive.

7. Go to the mall. You probably won't survive in the end (no one ever does), but you can recreate your favorite scenes from Dawn of the Dead.

8. When talking about the zombies, refer to them as "those...those things!" Since your life has become a real-life zombie movie, you might as well adhere to the conventions of the genre. Just for kicks.

9. If you do become a zombie, look on the bright side! You'll no longer have to worry about counting those calories (brains are a great source of protein, BTW!), and everyone will be wearing tattered rags (no more worrying about the latest fashions!). Remember, being a zombie isn't a beauty contest.

10. Wash your hands. It may not keep you safe from the bat-faced demons circling your office building, but you'll get points for cleanliness! And cleanliness is next to Godliness. You never know. It might help. A little. On second thought, maybe you should just run for your life.

BONUS TIP! Be black! While "the black guy" is always the first to be eaten by dinosaurs, giant anacondas, hungry ghosts, and other monstrosities, it's a proven fact that heroic black males have a 75% greater zombie survival rate than cocky white dudes! Just don't show expect the SWAT team to help you.