Mystery Candidate Enters Presidential Race
Spit-Spot Woman Blows Competition Away
by Fork deForque
WASHINGTON - With only a few days to go before Election Day, the war for the White House has become increasingly tense. But things are about to be shaken up considerably as a new, entirely unknown candidate has appeared in this, the 2008 election's eleventh hour, and literally blown all other candidates away.
"I was standing on the front lawn," says Mick McTavish, groundskeeper for the White House, "when there was a strong gust of wind from the east. I looked up, and there she was standing on the front steps with an umbrella and carpet bag. Can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I fear what's to happen has happened before."
According to McTavish, the mystery woman, who later introduced herself as Poppins, surveyed the exterior of the building and declared, "It's not exactly Buckingham palace, but it's clean." She then declared to astonished onlookers that she would be in charge of the country until the direction of the wind changed.
"This changes everything," Dale Sondergaard, political analyst, told reporters. "At first it seemed like Sarah Palin was Obama's biggest rival. But ever since this Poppins woman appeared on the scene, the most extraordinary things seem to have come over the White House."
While Obama has been criticized for acting like he's already won the election and preparing to take over the White House, Poppins has beat him to the punch and already moved in. The Bushes will be spending the rest of George W.'s term in a Motel 6.
But America wants to know. Who is this mystery candidate?
Poppins recently held a press conference in the Oval Office. When asked what party she belongs to, Poppins responded tartly, "There shall be no parties until this country is spic and span."
"She's practically perfect in every way," said George Spencer, political analyst. "Just as this election became gray and ordinary, Poppins made the sun shine bright."
But is Poppins the type of person Americans really want leading their country?
"We recently conducted a poll asking Americans what they wanted out of their next president," said Spencer. "Of traits most desired, 100% of Americans requested that, for the candidate who wants this choice position, the candidate must have a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, no warts (I put that part in), play games--all sorts, take Americans on outings, give them treats, sing songs, bring sweets--the list goes on."
"This woman fits the bill in every category. I've never seen anything like it. These are issues that are very important to the American people right now. And she never smells of barley water."
There has been concern that this total unknown, who couldn't be farther removed from the Washington elite, will be able to handle the arduous job as President of the United States. Especially in light of her limited experience. While critics have attacked Sarah Palin for not having enough executive experience, previous to running for President the only job Poppins ever held was the position of nanny for a well-to-do British family at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.
"In every job that must be done," said Poppins in response to the question of why she has chosen to run for the Presidency, "there is an element of fun. You find the fun and, snap, the job's a game."
She accused the Obama campaign of making pie-crust promises to the American public. Easily made, easily broken.
Senator Obama, in his cavalier manner, brushed off the attack, saying, "Poppins is telling people she thinks this job is fun. She thinks it's all a game. What she's really doing is distracting voters from the things that matter to them like the economy. She's trying to cloud the issue with facts".
Later, however, he was overheard telling running mate Joe Biden, "We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."
Poppins immediately responded to the Senator by stating that Obama is "extremely stubborn and suspicious."
"I'd like to know where that hoity-toity you-know-what gets off saying things like that about my husband," said an enraged Michelle Obama, in a completely off-the-record interview. "This is the first time in my adult life I've been insulted by a housekeeper."
Poppins seemed somehow to know the attack was coming and no sooner had Michelle uttered those words than Michelle received an email from Poppins stating that Michelle is "rather inclined to giggle--doesn't put things away."
"The fact that she only has experience as a nanny totally works in her favor," said Liza Giordano, also a political analyst. "She's working class. She's understands the people. She's totally in touch with the issues facing Americans today. She understands family, she understands children, she's no-nonsense. We should cancel the election. America loves her. I love her. I won't let her go."
Some, however, are sceptical. Poppins recently sat down for an interview with Katie Couric.
The transcript of their short interview is as follows:
Couric: Poppins, we in the media insist that you tell us what magazines you read. As a nanny, you've probably spent all your time changing diapers and making beds. How do you stay informed on the events plaguing our once-great country?
Poppins: I will be asking the questions around here, Katherine. Don's slouch. Spit-spot. Close your mouth, please, we are not a codfish.
Couric: But you don't even have any references.
Poppins: I make it a point never to give references.
Poppins later announced that she was for the common people like "Bert the Chimney Sweep, Sidewalk Chalk Artist, or Whatever He Should Happen to Be Today".
"She's stealing all the thunder from Palin and Hillary and Obama. Put together," said Jerry Porter, reporter for Main Stream Media News Network. "It's impossible not to like her. We confronted her on rumors that she intends to redistribute wealth to creepy old bird ladies. She denied ever having said that even though we KNOW she's lying. But somehow, instead of being angry with her, everyone in the press conference was bewildered and delighted."
Even Ahmadinejad is powerless against Poppins' innumerable charms.
"At first, we in Iran laugh at 'the lady with the parrot umbrella'. She is weak nanny lady for babies. Then she appear on my doorstep and make me take medicine. But instead of tasting bad, it taste like baklava. Then Mary hold my hand, and I feel so grand.
"My heart start beating like big brass band. What is feeling?"
But in spite of her warm reception on the international stage, Poppins has been no stranger to scandal. While recent polls show her with a triple digit lead over Obama, the question of her place of birth has reared its head. Candidates running for President of the United States must be born in the United States. Poppins appears to have been born in either England or somewhere in the sky.
"That's a non-issue," said Sondergaard. "After all, everyone knows Obama was born in Kenya and he's still running."
William Moredumb of West Hollywood recently unveiled a highly controversial Halloween display on his front yard--with a mannequin dressed as Poppins hanging from the tail of a kite wrapped around its neck.
"I don't even really know who she is. Honestly, if I had to act like an adult for a second, I'd say she seems like a nice, hard-working person on all accounts. But she's not Obama, so I hate her and intend to disagree with every little thing she says and does. Like abortion. As a nanny, she probably loves children and doesn't want to allow us to abort them. She'll take away your right to choose. Yeah. Who does she think she is, telling us what we can do with our bodies? Does she think she's better than us?"
When asked to detail her abortion stance, Poppins explained that she never explains anything.
"I believe Mary Poppins is a potential threat to national security," said Donald Dissentor, Obama campaign co-supervisor. "She's a menace. And she's probably racist too. That carpet bag of hers. Have you seen the stuff she can fit in there? Hat racks, lamps, potted plants. How do we know she doesn't have a couple of nukes in there too?"
Senator Obama, in a recent rally at what used to be a swing state but is now 99% pro-Poppins said, "You can put lipstick on a talking, parrot-headed umbrella, but at the end of the day, it's still a talking...man, that's so cool. I'm sorry folks but that's friggin' awesome. Her umbrella talks."
But while Senator Obama has been clearly impressed with Poppins abilities and affects, that hasn't stopped his campaign from launching this ad about the "Poppins-ular" candidate which they hope will turn the tide.
The Poppins campaign has dismissed the ad as an example of the liberal media's attempt to demonize their candidate. The commercial has failed to make any noticeable dent in Poppins' almost magical lead.
For now, this election appears to be in the carpet bag. Poppins has changed the rules of the political game with her uncanny ability to set troubled Americans at ease, assuring them that practically perfect people never allow sentiment to cloud their reasoning.
"She's just what this country needs," said Nimber O'Werner, anti-protester. "She's incredible. She's more than incredible. She's supercalif--well. You know.
"No wonder that it's Mary that we love."
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