I Did Not Care For This Movie (I Did Not Care For This Movie)

Do I need to say it again?

If I was one of the screenwriters on this film, I'd probably say it at least two more times. And you, the reader, would get the distinct feeling that I wanted to come up with something else, but I simply couldn't. So I just did the same thing again.

Not one to let the hype wagon get in the way of judging a piece of work based on its own merits, I pushed all the "best animated film of all freakin' time" falderal out of my mind and, as I did with this crap before it, I peacefully sat down prepared to enjoy the film with no ridiculously high expectations that it would change the way I look at the world.

It started out promising enough. And by promising, I mean, "Oh my gosh, I think I'm going to really, really love this movie." Like how I felt about this brilliant little movie which I totally didn't expect to end up anywhere near my top ten favorites list.

The planet Earth that Wall-E inhabits is trashed, in the literal sense. But, unlike his other powered-off counterparts, somehow his circuits have been fried and the little guy takes great interest in certain pieces of junk he finds in his daily wanderings, not unlike other Disney characters who marvel at garbage.




Early on, we find that Wall-E is positively enamored of an old VHS copy of "Hello, Dolly!" Yes. The very same. Here in this bleak post-apocalyptic landscape, Wall-E darts around on his daily routine playing "Put on Your Sunday Clothes" over and over again. Initially I was absolutely charmed by this. Of course. What better way to contrast the dismal state of the world than with a catchy tune from this most delightful (and underrated) of movie musicals? The technicolor! The life! The music! The song and dance!

That was when I decided Wall-E was destined for a place on my DVD shelf.

Then the humans show up and ruin everything.

Well, you know what they say. Art reflects life.

As soon as Wall-E leaves Earth, it's as if the movie looked at the high-wire of artsy storytelling it had been walking for the past thirty minutes and said, "Screw this. I'm getting some cotton candy."

Nothing ever happens once in this movie. It happens at least twice. I knew we were in trouble when our hero buried himself in a pile of sizzling rocks twice in three minutes. I swear, y'all. It's like the Teletubbies made this film. You can almost hear them in the screening room shouting, "Again! Again!"

By the eighth time we saw the same clip of "Put on Your Sunday Clothes" I thought, okay. That's quite enough. Hell, I almost cried when Wall-E picked up the garbage can lid and tried to emulate Michael Crawford with his straw hat.

But now that we've seen this SAME CLIP so many times that I've memorized the dance steps, it looks like what's REALLY going on here is they couldn't get Barbra to agree use the clips with her in them (sharp eyes will notice she's been digitally removed from her spot beside Tommy Tune).

Then there are all the dazzlingly confounding leaps of logic and numerous "whaa?" moments.

Why, for example, would EVA (I know her name is EVE, but as long as Wall-E calls her EVA, so shall I), whose "directive" is to find organic life and expresses not a shred of interest in the junk littering the planet, suddenly coo and ooh at Wall-E's collection of garbage? Is it because it's shiny? Fair enough. But if Wall-E loves shiny things, why, in one of the opening gags that garnered several gasps of horror from eager young females in our 42nd Street theater, does he throw away the diamond ring and keep the box?

What possible purpose is there for Fred Willard to record a second "secret" message that only the robots know about? If Earth is uninhabitable, as he believes, why not just have one message that says, "Sorry Captain, there's no hope for return. Just stay the course"?

If the robots can zip about through space with no negative effects, why do we need to be frightened for them when it looks like they're going to be dumped out of the airlock with the rest of the garbage? One moment Wall-E is near "death", the next moment he suddenly has the energy zip about nervously and lift a crushingly heavy object.

Okay, and maybe the idiot humans MIGHT SOMEHOW decide to leave their life of comfort and convenience and return to a barren, polluted, deserted planet Earth that needs a LOT of work. But in the opening scenes we established that there are lethal dust storms and torrents of acid rain that plague the land. What's going to protect the fat, boneless humans? Is it just because babies are present at their plant planting party that they are suddenly shielded by Good Intentions and Hope for the Future? Speaking of--if the humans never unplug from their floaty TV chairs, where did those aforementioned babies come from anyway?

I know, right? And it's not even as if I was sitting there with a pad of paper, sniggering to myself about how I was going to find all the blips in the storyline and write a blog entry about them. I'm willing to make allowances.

But the problems in Wall-E...they all just kept leaping into my lap, doing a little jig and giving me raspberries after smacking their butts and saying, "I got yer suspension of disbelief right HERE!"

You have to be careful when doing these dystopia movies because we, the audience, are continually comparing and contrasting their world against ours so we can see what's changed in 700 years.

The story becomes so sloppy there are times when it feels like full scenes have been deleted. I swear, how did they lose the plant that second time? Wall-E had it INSIDE him, then, in the next scene, it's travelling up the junk tube--whaaa? Even the Wall-E fanboys can't argue with me on that one.

And before you say, "It's just a cartoon, Fork. It doesn't have to be good/make sense," let me just say that I don't buy that cop-out response and I never shall. As long as there are animated movies out there that ARE exceptional and DO make sense and manage to achieve SOME degree of artistic merit, I don't see any reason why we should accept a B-minus piece of entertainment as "a masterpiece of the highest order".

Pixar does this, I've noticed. They'll get SO CLOSE to really nailing their storytelling. Sometimes they're terrifically successful (see "Toy Story 2" for a perfect example). And for good reason. They study the work these guys do, and, with a few exceptions, those guys are pretty great friggin' storytellers. Pixar borrows from them. They work on an intelligent level and sneak complex messages into their films, which surprise American filmgoers who are amazed when they're entertained and tricked into using their brains at the same time.

But it's like Pixar gets scared that the Shrek crowds won't like them. So they pander. They dump the subtlety. And they miss out on magnificent opportunities.

How much more effective would it have been if they cut the two rounds of robo-smooching and made the ultimate goal of Wall-E's merely to hold EVA's hand? How interesting it would have been to have a simple act of affectionately interdigitating--making a connection with another person--the final, powerful note we end on? After all, Cornelius never kisses Irene in "Hello, Dolly!" They just hold hands and walk dreamily off into the night.

And I know that's what happens in "Hello, Dolly!" because they show that clip about five times over the course of the movie. They even play the song over the final scene. It's nice and all, but how does "It Only Takes a Moment" fit there? Sure, it's pretty. Gorgous, even. But considering where we are in the story it doesn't make sense. Sort of like the seemingly random inclusion of Louis Armstrong's La Vie En Rose. Where did THAT come from?

What's especially interesting is the 180 we've travelled in movieland. Critic after critic has been utterly dazzled by this film's lack of dialogue in the opening thirty minutes. "How did they DO it? How did they PULL IT OFF? How can you make a movie WITHOUT TALKING??" I've got news for them. It's already been done. And in animation as well.

My buddy who saw the movie with me said, "Why did they make that into a full length? It would have been so much better as a short. The movie felt so padded."

I totally agree.

I totally agree.

I totally agree.