Lover Who?

‘Lover Bois’ Causes no Stir
by Forky Fourchette

The film version of Lucifer P. Snarewell's blasphemous shock-play Lover Bois, in which Jesus and his disciples are portrayed as promiscuous homosexuals, hasn’t even caused Betty Graham, an active church-goer from Valdosta, GA, to bat an eye.

“I’m worn out,” said Graham, 36 year old mother of three. “Right after tee-ball, I've got to run pick Jenny up from ballet rehearsal and then fix dinner. If people want to see that movie, whatever. Besides, everyone knows it’s just a bunch of falderal anyway.”

The film, which Tinseltown experts predicted would face the largest protests Hollywood has ever seen and therefore rocket to the number one spot on opening weekend, has been met with nary a picketer or protest placard. It opened last weekend to modest box-office and even more lukewarm reviews, as critics called it “intriguing, yet emotionally hollow”, “controversial”, and “feather boa”.

“I didn’t even hear about this movie until two days before it came out,” said Pastor Clarence Whittiker of Saddlebags Community Bible Believing Church. “When I heard the premise I thought, ‘Hmm. That’s an interesting take on the Gospel story.’ I might even try to go see it. But not this weekend. Our church is so busy with the canned food drive, the silent auction to raise money for home-building projects for lower-income families, and the literacy outreach program to prison inmates that we don't have a lot of time to go to the movies.”

Lover Bois tells the story of the last days of Jesus Christ, which would normally mean boffo box-office from the crowds that made the Passion such a surprise hit. However, in this version, Jesus is portrayed as a pimp and his disciples are his binge drinking, dope dealing homosexual hookers. While in the Bible, Jesus is crucified for the sins of the world, in Lover Bois, Jesus is executed for owing money to a rival pimp, Barabbas, and is unable to pay up, even after betraying Peter, his hottest ho, for thirty pieces of silver.

"What movie?" said Father O'Flannery of St. Patrick's Parish. "Oh yes. The Lover Dudes. Isn't that the one where Martha and Mary Magdelene...you know? The congregation and I had a good laugh over that. It's like the Biblical Girls Gone Wild. What will Hollywood come up with next? They're so inventive."

It's just this sort of "who-cares" attitude from the Christian community that has Hollywood execs down on their knees.

"This is unreal. We've never seen Christians react this way," said producer Chuck Stogie of Monotone Studios. "Everyone knows when you put Jesus in a movie and call it 'controversial' you have a hit on your hands. It's the old Hollywood formula. It never fails."

"We haven't done any publicity for this picture," said Wanda Billfold, marketing exec for Monotone. "We were counting on the religious right to do all our publicity for us by having rallies, marches, and picket lines in front of movie theatres. This behavior is so uncharacteristic of them. If they don't get riled up, we're screwed."

There have been rumors of desperate publicity attempts by key players in Hollywood to jolt religious conservatives into action. Monotone is said to have sponsored several outdoor screenings of Lover Bois in parking lots next door to evangelical churches in the tri-state area.

"It didn't work," said Stogie. "Instead of showing up with placards, people stayed at home watching wholesome black and white movies from the 30s and 40s. Those movies feature well-developed characters who are almost always patriotic, upstanding members of a moral society. The dialogue is usually clever and intelligently written. And they go against everything people really want in their movies today. People don't want Capra. They want 'stupid'."

"Not even the Christian nutjobs care about Lover Bois," continued Billfold. "We've haven't seen hide nor hair of Fred Phelps and his cronies, even after we told him about the Last Supper scene. Instead, he called and said he had a slight headache and 'just wasn't feeling up to it this time.' We were really counting on him to come through.

"It's killing us."

In a last-ditch effort to keep Lover Bois from joining the likes of studio-killing bombs such as Dune and Waterworld, Monotone has begun pushing an emergency ad campaign marketing Lover Bois as the true story of Jesus that church officials have kept under wraps for centuries.

"But it's not," retorted Scott Billingsly, a 43 year old member of First Avenue Presbyterian Church. "You'd have to be an idiot to believe a bunch of movie trailers that claim to be the final authority on centuries-old Christian theology."

"I know I'll never go to church again," said Lula Mae Beulah Burton, 17 year old mother of six. "After seeing those posters that said Lover Bois was historically accurate, I know now that all Christians are liars and hypocrites and they just want my money. I've always been looking for a reason to say that and now I've finally got one.

"Lover Bois changed my life."

Burton and her children have yet to actually see the film.

More on the Lover Bois controversy as it develops.