"This isn't a game, solider!"

Well? Do YOU have FEAR? I know I have it. I have it in spades. Although I just HAVE to say, I've started doing something ever since playing Halo on my PC that is greatly affecting my FEAR experience...

Since the hero (the person through whose eyes we see the action--that's why they call it a First Person Shooter) never speaks in these F.P.S. games, I've taken to speaking FOR him and responding to what the supporting characters have to say. Maybe it's because I've been playing so much 'Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney' on my DS (you talk into the DS microphone during the trials! "Hold it!" "Objection!" "Take that!"), or maybe it's the effect of living alone for so long.

Whatever the reason, there's nothing more fun than being briefed by the chief who points at you and says, "You're the man for this operation!" and shaking your head NO, saying to the computer screen, "Get somebody else! I-I've got a dental appointment!"

So it's my first day on the job. Me and my partner are investigating a haunted office building and we stumble across a body that's had its lower jaw completely removed. My partner says, "I'll stay here. You go on ahead and check things out." And what do you think I said?

"Are you KIDDING? I'm the newbie! And there's a mangled body drenched in blood sitting here! Why don't YOU go and I'll stay here with the body?!"

"What are you waiting for? Move out!" comes the response from the partner that cues up automatically if you stand still for too long.

"I'm going! I'm going! But this job SUCKS! "

As a result, the whole FEAR experience, which is meant to terrify the pants off anyone who plays this game, has become quite comical. Take, for example, what happens moments after leaving your partner to investigate the deserted building. You're walking along...suddenly, you see the figure of the cliché little-Japanese-ghost-girl-with-hair-covering-her-face dart past a partially open door. You could be quiet and let the tension mount--or you could say what I said: "HOLY CRAP!! What the crap was THAT?!"

You burst through the door only to find that no one is on the other side. Then you walk very slowly through the next room, saying, "He-hello? Hello? Um...hello?" like Madeline Kahn in "What's Up, Doc?"

I might as well be playing the Looney Tunes theme as I play. But you've got to do something when you've got dialogue like:

Aide: Senator, Mr. Fettel has escaped from the psychic insane asylum and is controlling an army of clone soldiers with his mind.

Senator: (very Charleton Heston--a bit TOO serious) My....God....!