The Easter Story

(Corporate America sits at the end of a large, polished wood table with Yes Man to his left and Idea Man to his right. Lackeys of various shapes and sizes fill in the rest of the chairs)

(Corporate America chomps on his cigar, deep in thought. Eventually he speaks.)

Corporate America: (to Idea Man) Well? Any ideas yet?

Idea Man: None yet, C.A. We're working as fast as we can.

Corporate America: If you know what's good for yuh you boys'd better work faster! Easter is comin' up and we still ain't got nothin'! Idn' that right?

Yes Man: Yes, C.A. Oh, absolutely. Nothing.

Corporate America: I mean, take the other holidays. First, and most obvious, is Sainty Claus. Then yuh've got Cupid for Valentines, Tom Turkey for Thanksgiving, the Tooth Fairy for President's Day, Pumpkin Patch Man for Halloween...

Yes Man: Oh, yes. We have all those, C.A.

Corporate America: But whadda we got fer Easter? Nuthin! I'm tellin' yuh, it's a disgrace!

Yes Man: A disgrace!

Corporate America: Why, in our Hong Kong factories right now we've got piles and piles of Easter baskets and Easter eggs and Easter chocolates and Easter...oh...what is that stuff? That plastic stuff that's like...y'know...it's shredded colored plastic...like tinsel?

Idea Man: Easter grass?

Corporate America: Easter grass! We got all this stuff, but nobody to sell it!

Idea Man: Well, C.A., if I may, the boys have just sent up their ideas for Easter mascots. I'm sure you'll be delighted. Any one of these could be the perfect person to sell our Easter products.

Corporate America: Whadderyuh waitin' for? Lemme see 'em!

Idea Man: Alright, C.A. Oh, this one is perfect! You'll be so impressed! Bring it in, boys!

(The boys enter with Easter Jesus)

(a pause)

Corporate America: What is THAT?

Idea Man: This, C.A., is the Easter Jesus. Since Easter is about him, we figured--

Corporate America: What does it do?

Idea Man: Well--I--that is to say--(reads from notecard attached to Easter Jesus' sleeve) the Easter Jesus is a top-quality holiday mascot. Not only does he live a sinless life and die in place of undeserving, sinful humanity, he also rises triumphantly from the dead on Easter morning and--

Corporate America: No, no, no!

Idea Man: Excuse me, sir?

Corporate America: We can't do THAT.

Idea Man: But sir--

Corporate America: No, no, no! Remember what happened when we tried to combine Jesus with Christmas? Remember what happened to our sales that year?

Yes Man: All-time low.

Corporate America: If it's Jesus doling out the presents, people are likely to be more humble in their greed and be satisfied with just being around their families and singing songs.

Yes Man: Singing songs.

Corporate America: And that makes me FURIOUS!

Yes Man: Furious!

Idea Man: But some small European countries still use our old Christmas Jesus prototype at Christmastime.

Corporate America: And HOW many XBoxes did we sell to Scartovania last year?

Idea Man: Well--I--

Corporate America: Right. What we need is something...less holy. Something further removed from the reason for the holiday... Wait a minute. The reason for the holiday... Say, wasn't Easter recently named the most Unholy Helliday?

Yes Man: Yes, C.A.

Corporate America: And why is that?

Idea Man: Well, sir, because Easter is actually a centuries-old pagan holiday that was renamed by the early Catholics so their new converts could both go to church and still party like heathens.

Corporate America: Pagan, eh? Pagan. That's good. Pagan is good. I want your boys to go back to the drawing board. Tomorrow, I want PAGAN. None of this Easter Jesus stuff.

Idea Man: Yes sir!

To be continued...