Interviews

(The scene: the 42nd floor. Forky is busy at his desk. Good-time Katie, Consuela's temporary replacement during her maternity leave, enters)

Good-time Katie: Hey Forky!

Forky: Hey, Good-time Katie! What's going on?

Good-time Katie: Oh, nothing. I'm really stuck on this sudoku puzzle. Can you help me?

Forky: Sure, but...shouldn't we be doing things like typing up travel itineraries for Mr. Archibald or emptying the hole puncher?

Good-time Katie: Forget that! We don't get paid enough to work like slaves! Whaddya say we close up early and get some margaritas?

Forky: You're on!

Good-time Katie: Great! She's here!

Forky: What?

Good-time Katie: She's here, Forky!

Forky: What are you...?

Good-time Katie: She's here! Hey, Forky, she's here!

(Forky rouses from his daydream)

Candie: She's here! Hey! Wake up!

Forky: Huh?! Wha? Margaritas? Good-time Katie?

Candie: What are you talking about?

Forky: Consuela's replacement. For when she leaves in two weeks.

Candie: Two weeks? Ha! Consuela'll pop any day now!

Forky: Wait...who's here?

Candie: The first interviewee. Consuela's temporary replacement, remember?

Forky: What about Good-ti--oh. Yeah.

Candie: She's meeting with Jerrie right now. You should meet her. After all, you two are going to be working really closely.

Forky: Yeah...

(Jerrie Enemical, office manager, enters with Penny Pencilpusher)

Jerrie: Yes, he's very artistic. You have to be prepar--

Forky: Hello, Jerrie.

Jerrie: Oh! Hello ladies! (Forky winces) OH! I'm SORRY. I just keep thinking you're a girl! Isn't that funny?

Forky: I'll grow a beard.

Jerrie: Candie, [Forky], I'd like you to meet Penny Pencilpusher. She's on her way to Mr. Archibald's office to interview with him.

Penny: (timidly, but sweetly) Hello.

Forky: Oh, hi! My name is [Forky]. I work with Consuela.

Candie: (dreadful British accent) He's an ACT-toooor. (mimes tossing beautiful, long, brown hair)

Forky: Thank you for that spot-on imitation, Candie.

Penny: (timidly, but sweetly) Yes.

(silence)

Jerrie: Well, now that we've all gotten to know each other, let me take you to Mr. Archibald's office. Now, the first thing you need to know is if he yells at you (and he will yell at you), it's not personal. He's just overcompensating for his being so...petite. (they exit)

Forky: (after a moment) I kinda like her. She seems so... (subconsciously makes "round" gesture) soft and kind and sweet.

Candie: And round?

Forky: Oh--I was doing that, wasn't I?

Candie: You're such a freak.

(the elevator dings. A gaunt, put-together elderly woman steps out...purposefully)

Woman: I'm here to see Jerrie Enemical.

Candie: She's away from her desk at the mo--

Woman: I'm here for the interview.

Candie: Oh, yes. She's expecting you. Let me see if I can find her--

Woman: I'm early.

Candie: (beat) Yes. Yes, you are. If you'd like to have a seat, I'll see if I can find her for you. (mouths to Forky, "Validate parking" and picks up phone) Hey Janet, it's Candie. Do you know if Jerrie is by Mr. Archibald's office or...?

Forky: (to the Woman) Excuse me, ma'am, but did you park downstairs in the gara--

Woman: No.

Forky: Oh. Okay. Um, well, do you need me to validate your broomsti--er--parking or--

Woman: No.

Forky: Oh. Alright.

Jerrie: (entering) Penny's in with Mr. Archibald now. He'll eat her alive. When she comes out tell her I don't need to see her agai--

Woman: Jerrie Enemical?

Jerrie: Yes.

Woman: Cackleene Gultch.

Jerrie: Oh yes!

Cackleene: I'm early.

Jerrie: (even Jerrie is a little taken aback by Miss Gultch's abruptness) Y...yes. Well, that's a good thing! Here, let me take you back to Mr. Archibald's office. These interviews won't take very long.

Cackleene: Certainly. (gives Forky and Candie the once-over, sneering a bit at the sight of Forky's long hair and Candie's short hair. They exit)

(silence. Candie and Forky look at each other, then)

Forky: (mimes riding a bicycle and scats the Wicked Witch of the West theme)

Candie: Oh, Forky! She's awful!

Forky: (amused) Yeah, she is! Mr. Archibald is gonna be in for it with her!

Candie: What are you smiling about?

Forky: Huh?

Candie: If they hire her you do realize you're going to be her supervisor, don't you?

Forky: Super...vis...or? (Forky hears Cackleene in his head)

Cackleene: I will not take orders from a hippie-headed whipper-snapper like YOU!

Forky: This is terrible.

Candie: You've got to tell Consuela to hire Penny Pencilbottom.

Forky: Pusher.

Candie: Right.

Forky: Oh...nahhh. Candie, there's nothing to worry about here. There is no way they'd hire someone like that wicked witch.

Consuela: (enters...VERY pregnant) Hey [Forky]! Candie!

Candie: Hey, Consuela.

Consuela: Oh, hello Candie. Did you get to meet the two candidates?

Forky: Yeah, we did. Miss Gultch just came by. (Does his Wicked Witch impresh)

Consuela: (a little hurt) Aw...you thought so?

Forky: Uhh. Well. I mean, I didn't really get to talk to her. Just...first impression.

Consuela: Oh. Did you say she just came by?

Forky: She just went thataway. With Jerrie.

Consuela: (concerned) Really? Why'd she go there?

Forky: She was going to interview.

Consuela: What?

Forky: With Mr. Archibald. The interview.

Consuela: But Penny's in there with him.

Forky: Oh, she's going to go in when Penny gets out.

Consuela: Jerrie?

Forky: No. Cackleene.

Consuela: What about her?

Forky: (intense frustration) She's...she's going...Cackleene, I mean. Cackleene is...she's--

Consuela: I like Cackleene.

Forky: Oh?

Consuela: I think she's a perfect fit.

Forky: What?

Consuela: I can just tell. You know, she's worked in a law firm before. She's very no-nonsense.

Forky: But I'm gonna superv--

Consuela: I'm so happy we found somebody. Now I can leave and have this baby without worrying about the office during delivery. (begins to leave, then remembers) Oh, by the way, I'm leaving early so make sure you get the overnight shipments out, finish drafting the invoice request letter, send out the annual quarterly memo to our 243 clients, order a catered lunch for tomorrow's staff meeting, continue filing, and submit the reimbursements for travel expenses.

Forky: In that order?

Consuela: (Doesn't hear. She sighs happily) You know...I'm not young anymore. And with another baby coming and you taking over so many of my old responsibilities...I feel like...I just feel like I'm at the beginning of a new phase in my life.

Forky: I know the feeling. I've never felt so much like a confusing black woman in all my life.

Consuela: In fact, I've been thinking...after taking two months off to be with the new baby...I might decide to never come back.

Forky: Yeah, so--(record spindle scratches)--what?

Consuela: Have a good afternoon! Time for the baby's check up!

TO BE CONTINUED...