Happysad?

We got through opening night.

How can I feel so happy and yet...so twisted up with unhappiness at the same time?

Yes, I'm thrilled that it looks as though we've got a smash hit on our hands.

Now, maybe I'm speaking too soon. It WAS just opening night. But the crowd REALLY loved the show. They went bananas at the end. Some even hit their feet. Like, they kept CLAPPING and SCREAMING. If the chorus girls weren't already getting out of costume we would have gone back out there and taken another bow (which would have been a tremendous First for Fork).

So I'm happy. So happy.

And yet...so sad.

The director. The director.

I haven't felt this twisted up with anger since my issues with the head of the Everycity U theatre department. The guy has used four-star manipulation tactics on all of us. Telling people with concerns exactly what they want to hear. "Oh yes, you're right, we'll look at that." Then when you come around to it and he DOESN'T look at it, you mention it, and he snaps at you and tells you to shut up, that yours was a bad idea to begin with.

Intense flirting with the girls and the guys. Changing things at the very very last minute. Rewriting scenes that were fine, and fitting them with dialogue that's only slightly different. Tricking us into fighting with each other. Causing rifts. Making almost everyone on the design staff quit. Pitting the composer and lyricist against each other.

As I write this, my insides are twisting up in knots.

I don't want him to burn in hell for all eternity, but I do want to punch him in the face. Then, while he's unconscious, tie him up to a splintery board with a couple of short nails in it so he won't be comfortable. Then when he comes to, I'll slap duct tape over his mouth, burst into passionate tears, and launch into why I wanted SO BADLY to be on "his side" and that I genuinely thought he was one of the finest directors I'd worked with in years.

But the manipulation.

The manipulation.

He's a genius. AN EVIL GENIUS.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's injustice. I start running my mouth. My eyes go wide. I become a loose cannon, trying to get SOMEONE to side with me and put an end to the tyranny.

But you see...

That's what he WANTS.

So you CAN'T give the b-tard what's coming to him.

Instead, you make a double vodka tonic when you get home and try, try, try to forget about how unfair it all is...that this wicked person will probably experience a tremendous amount of success if the show continues to be met with the sort of response we got tonight.

How can I stand on that stage and give a good performance KNOWING that by so doing, this jerk will look BRILLIANT and go on to do great things? I'm being USED. And there's NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Here's the thing--he DID save the show. He rewrote the wretched little play and turned it into something that worked. But he went way too far. The script WORKED. By the end of preview weekend, we had a real, working show. So now, all there was left to do was sit back and open the bloomin' thing.

Then, the NIGHT BEFORE OPENING, the NIGHT BEFORE OPENING, this...this GUY has the NERVE to change the entire opening scene, the entire ending scene and final number, and gave us new curtain call music.

It's a neat director's trick for upping the energy of some scenes...it's a trick that helped the inexperienced ladies in our trio actually LISTEN to each other and bumped up their energy considerably.

But to a seasoned actor like myself...

I had to excuse myself so I could try bursting the blood vessel on my temple.

It's like that feeling you got when you read To Kill A Mockingbird the first time and they convict the black guy even though there's NO WAY he was guilty.

You want to tear the pages of the book to SHREDS. It's not FAIR. It's UNJUST. We were ready to open! You can't DO that.

But this guy did. He did. And the worst thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he tromped all over me and everyone else to get to the end result. It hurt. It hurt all of us. All I can think about is the pain that this guy has inflicted on all the poor people he's disrespected and treated like garbage all so he can claw his way to the top.

It's wrong.

All of my older and wiser mentors have told me I need to calm down and just let it go--that he'll get what's coming to him someday.

Maybe they're right.

But if I see this guy in heaven I'm kicking him in the effing nuts.