The Naked Truth

Someone recently asked me what I "do" here in Supercity X.

That's a common question, usually met with an equally common response.

"Oh, I work as a file clerk to pay the rent."

"Oh, I'm a waiter."

"Oh, I train seals."

When the question was posed to me by one of my new Supercity buddies, I told him simply, "Oh, I do temp stuff."

I'm here to tell you that, while that is partially true, it's not entirely true.

You see, this last summer, after getting tanned and toned for Midsummer, I discovered a way to make money that's really easy--and you don't really have to do anything but lie there!

If they ask for a reclining pose, naturally.

No, I'm not a male prostitute. But I'm not much better. Yes, boring, conservative, religious, nothing-going-on-upstairs Forky has, up until now, made the bulk of his living in Supercity X (or is it Nude Fork City?) as an artist's model.

"Now do you mean you're COMPLETELY naked?" my mother asked when I told my mother and father.

And I tell you now what I told them: Yes.

I'm not exposing myself to you all just to get a rise out of you. It's just difficult to accurately chronicle my many misadventures here while leaving out stories like "In the Garden of Earthly Delights" or "the Graphic Design Students Who Just Didn't Care".

But I think what really makes this kinda funny is that if you had told me six months ago that I was #1, going to move to Nude Fork City and #2, make my living as an artists model, I would have called you a liar. I mean...THINK about it.

Desperate times...

I know what you’re thinking. “That’s kind of like prostitution! You’re a whore!”

To which I must reply: whores are not paid to sit perfectly still for hours on end. They’re paid to…y’know. Move.

It’s perfectly educational! These are classical poses in the tradition of the Greeks and Romans! The Renaissance! Michelangelo! Leonardo da Vinci Code! It’s not like I’m walking into some kind of red plush painters bordello, the smell of opium heavy in the halls, where I dine on succulent fruits from the garden of earthly delights and swill wine from the goblet of lust and temptation before reenacting the famous scene from Rosemary’s Baby where she gets gang-raped by Lucifer and a mob of clutching demons.

Well—actually, that did happen. Once. But that’s a whole ‘nuther post. Maybe we’ll save that one for Halloween.

I can tell what you’re doing this very minute. You’re judging me. You’re thinking, “Dear gawd. Forky gets naked in front of complete strangers! Disgusting! Shameful!”

I suppose it would be…if I wasn’t making anywhere from $15-$20 an hour!

Gosh, somehow that makes it sound like prostitution all over again.

Okay. At this point, if you’re still shocked, just think about the natural progression of things. The original ‘Saved by the Bell’ was a wholesome romp for the after-school crowd that originally premiered on the Disney channel as a vehicle for an aging Haley Mills. Then came ‘Saved by the Bell: the College Years’ and everything changed. Risks were taken. New characters were introduced. The show was cancelled.

Consider this MY ‘Saved by the Bell: the College Years’. Riskier. Newer. Changier. And if you don’t like it, well, just…tune out! That’s what they did to ‘Saved by the Bell’ and look what happened! Now they’re a limited edition DVD!

Venus DeMilo's school for artists is a well-respected--uh--school for artists and once every few months or so, they have tryouts for new models. I showed up and did my stuff and suddenly my schedule went from doin’ nuthin’ to being being jam-packed as overnight I became the darling of the Supercity art circles.

Well, maybe not darling, but dang.

“Honey, do you want to do this full time?” Ms. DeMilo asked, an imaginary cigarette dangling from her lip.

“I dunno,” I said stupidly. “I just think it’s fun.”

“You do know you could do this full time, don’t you?”

“I…I could?”

I’m booked for the entire month of October and into November.

I guess it’s kind of like…Christian porn?

To be continued…

VERY continued...