I Have a Dream

At some point in the process of rehearsing and running a show, I have the Actor's Nightmare.

The Actor's Nightmare is a little different for everybody. Sometimes the dream takes place at rehearsal for the show you're currently in. Sometimes you'll be on a Broadway stage on opening night in a show you've never heard of. Regardless of where you happen to find yourself, there's always one thing that remains the same:

You don't know your lines.

So there I was (in my dream) at the Everycity Jewish Community Center. I got up on stage at rehearsal and began to speak, only the words I knew I was supposed to be saying weren't anything like the like the lines I currently have. Once I realized I didn't know these new lines, I panicked. Lola Levenstein glared at me. Everyone glared at me. I was finished; done for.

Then I remembered something. "Wait! I know these lines!" I shouted. "I've done this show before! It's THOSE guys who don't know their lines!"

I suppose this dream was brought on by last night's rehearsal. Lola was trying to go over the big ensemble numbers but kept running into a little problem. You see, none of the ensemble is off-book. In fact, they're completely ON book. Their cues would come up, but instead of singing or delivering lines, they just stood there looking expectantly at Lola as if to say, "Whadda we do now?"

I kept seeing Waiting for Guffman in my head. You know. The scene where they're rehearsing "Stool Boom" and Lloyd gets up to quietly tell Corky that he thinks the show is in trouble.

There's a funny little song the ensemble sings called 'the Rumor'. It doesn't really advance the plot or anything, it's just a fun, peppy song to give the audience a break from all the drama.

Lola was getting frustrated. Not only did nobody know their stuff (no surprise there), but they delivered what little they did know with all the excitement of a three-toed sloth running on only eight hours of sleep.

"Get excited!" she shouted. "Come on! This is exciting for you! Nothing exciting ever happens in Annie-tevka! It's a rumor! It's gossip! You love gossip!"

"You're Jews!" I added.

Fortunately only one person heard that. Molly, the girl playing my love interest. Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open.

"Ooh...this isn't the place for that kind of humor, is it?"

"I can't believe you just said that."

For the record, 42nd Floorers, I am NOT a racist. Good grief, 65% of my acting career has been spent playing Jews. I love the Jews! I even celebrated Purim this week! Most of my best friends in life have been black! A Hispanic woman helped raise my siblings and me and became a surrogate grandmother to us! I find Japanese girls attractive! I saw Beloved four times!Segregation never! Integration now! Two, four, six, eight, TV's got to integrate!

I think race, like politics, religion, and funerals, is something we should all be able to laugh about. I may occasionally tweak the nose of conventional, politically-correct America and make a Polack joke every now and then, but you won't see me burning crosses in people's front yards or blowing up synagogues. No sir.

Unity. Brotherhood. Peace. Freedom. Love. That's what I stand for.

Still, Molly is a straight-laced suburban attorney who is perfectly happy filing papers and filling out reports all the live-long day. This is the first time she's ever set foot on a stage or been around irreverent and occasionally regretfully verbose "theatre people". Time to backpedal. And fast!

"I was just kidding! It just sounded like that was what she was going to say next. Y'know! 'You love gossip! You're Jewish!' Ha ha ha! I was just being silly! I didn't mean it! I love the Jewish people! I toured America in a show about the Holocaust with Anne Frank's stepsister for eight months! No! I'm serious! And the Purim cookies were sooo good the other night. Oh, and all my best friends have always been black! I just thought--y'know. This'll be funny! Like how last year all the kids were saying, 'Niggaplease'".

Her jaw hit the floor.

"Ooooohmygosh. That was a really bad example, wasn't it?"

There goes my bid for President.