There was once a time in my life when Christmas felt really really special. Every year I could feel it coming...like a great big choo-choo train made out of candy canes. It was great. I loved it.
Then I graduated from college and I no longer had the month of December off.
No, now I have a normal job. I work on the 42nd Floor. And since Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, the only day off we get is Monday the 26th. Of course, I'll be using some of my vacation days, but good grief! What kind of vacation is that? Where's the five-week winter break?
As a result, in the last couple of years, Christmas has come and gone without it ever really feeling like Christmas.
This year, I'm determined to make it feel like Christmas.
You: But Forky, it's not even Thanksgiving yet!
Hang Thanksgiving! I want Christmas!
You: Could you please stop calling it that? That word makes me feel uncomfortable and left out.
What would you like me to say?
You: Oh, something inoffensive like...Winter.
Chipmunk: Excuse me.
You: Yes, little Chipmunk?
Chipmunk: I find that name offensive.
Forky: You do?
Chipmunk: Of course I do. Do you think I'm going to be sitting in my hollow tree having a party all Winter long? No! I'll be lucky if I even survive. Please find a different name for your celebratory season of death.
Forky: Look, you, what do you want us to do? Cancel Christmas?
You: DON'T USE THAT WORD! I feel uncomfortable and left out!
Forky: Uhh...Winter?
Chipmunk: I don't want to die!
Forky: Uhh........
(You and Chipmunk look at Forky expectantly)
Forky: Season?
???: Sacre bleu! Death to zee infadel!
You: Who are you?
Ali Cordon Bleu: Je m'applle Ali Cordon Bleu! And je proteste your usage of zat word!
Forky: What word? "Season"?
Ali Cordon Bleu: Zut alors! What are you trying to du? Start anozer riotte?
Forky: You mean "riot"?
Ali Cordon Bleu: Zat is what I said, you idiotte!
Chipmunk: Are you one of those rioting French Muslims?
You: (Is there any other kind?)
Ali Cordon Bleu: I 'eard zat, You! You'll find eet tres difficile to laugh once I plunge zee scimitar of Allah into your fat Americaine belly! Americans! Pshaw!
Forky: Look, all we're trying to do is find a name for Chr--Wint--Seas--Holiday.
Ali Cordon Bleu: And what is so "holee" about zees day? Everybody knows it eez zee Feast of Babylon!
Forky: They do?
Ali Cordon Bleu: Of course! And God will pour out 'is judgement on zee nations zat celebrate such such an abomination!
Forky: Wow! You sound just like a staunch Southern Baptist!
Ali Cordon Bleu: We are not so different, zee Souzern Baptists and I.
Forky: Okay, well, I think we can all agree on simply calling it what it is... the Feast of Babylon.
???: Hold it!
Chipmunk: What now?
Leavenworth: My name is Zedakiah Leavenworth and I'm offended!
You: But you're Jewish. You don't even celebrate the Feast of Babylon.
Leavenworth: No, but how do you suppose I'll feel when I open my mailbox and have a stack of Babylon Cards waiting for me? Offended, that's what! And left out!
Forky: I guess you could always just throw the Babylon cards away.
Ali Cordon Bleu: 'e 'as a point.
Leavenworth: You want to know what I say? I say, CANCEL the Feast of Babylon!
All: Cancel the Feast of Babylon??
Forky: But...but think about the children! The children who, on Babylon Eve, will wait up all night for Santa Tammuz to bring them presents! You can't deny them a little joy in this mixed up world of ours, can you?
Leavenworth: I--I--
Forky: Please...
Leavenworth: Well, I--
Ali Cordon Bleu: Wait a minute...'e is Jewish? I find zee mere existence of your people to be offensive.
Leavenworth: (sarcastic) Oh. Okay. Well I guess we'll all just go kill ourselves so you won't have to feel offended.
Ali Cordon Bleu: You really mean it? I mean, you really really mean it?
Leavenworth: No, you nit-wit!
Ali Cordon Bleu: Vous dare to mock moi!
Leavenworth: How can I not? Look at you! You're a rioting French Muslim!
Ali Cordon Bleu: Vous will pay dearly for your words! I will cut off your hand and cook it up au flambé!
Forky: Wait, guys! Stop! It's Christmas!
All: Don't use that word!
Moral of the story: The French had it comin'.
14 comments:
Why not festivus? You know, for the rest of us?
Festivus for the rest of us gets my vote. We can have feats of strength and a festivus pole and everything. WOOHOO for Festivus...Good Idea Queen...Oh and By the way...I came to Dallas this past weekend and after hearing so much about you I got excited at the chance I may get to meet you...but alas after an entire night on Nelson's couch Playing Nintendo and drinking sporty beverages...No Queen,iii showed up. I will forever be sad.
You've all forgotten something here. What about this "Thanksgiving?" Nobody ever mentions it, but you know to WHOM we're supposed to be giving thanks, right? Soooo exclusive of people outside Judeo-Christian faiths. Besides, it harkens back to the days when our marauding ancestors stole this country from the Native Americans! Nix that, "native" sounds so primitive. The Indigenous Peoples. It's time we all stood up and called "Thanksgiving" what it really is: "The Festival of Imperialistic, Racist, Bigoted Gluttony Centered Around the Murder of Helpless Turkeys!"
Amen, a-dub!!! I'm joining with you in the boycotting of the evil, whitey holiday!
Boscoe - now, I am sorry that you missed me, because I am ever so much fun. But, you must know that the person you were with must have been terribly misinformed. I, of course, had a previous engagement which made it impossible for me to get to Dallas in less than a day. I am very sorry about this person's shortcomings. But, rest assured, the next time you come to Dallas, I will make it my point to bring you some bathtub gin!
Guess who's coming to dinner!
Bathtub Gin?!?!?!?!?! WOOHOOO!!! I Can't Wait... Oh and I was never actually told you would be in town...I just got my own sad little hopes up...But now, with your guarantee, My hope has been restored.
A-Dub, i'm with you on the Thanksgiving thing. But the Statement I agree with more is the changing of the "Native American" moniker we have given to the people who lived here for Thousands of years before the White People took over. I think...seeing as how everyone has a prefix to "American" we should all have one. If "African Americans" can be called "African Americans" even though they've never lived in Africa and neither did the last 5 or 6 generations then I should be able to call myself something too.From Now On I'm a "European American"...The only people who can use the name "American" are those that we formerly called "Native Americans" they are the true Americans, we are all just imposters....
As a Native American, I find the celebration of the enslavement of my people on your reservations, horrible.. But I'll celebrate the Feast of Babylon any day!
Who wants Babylon cards?
Boscoe, making this transition is going to be difficult, but I think it will be worth it, but I must ask you - I seem to not have a motherland, and might even be part mulungen...which is a bizarre, and trashy culture, so what kind of American would I be???
GO VOTE ON MY BLOG!!!!!
Hey! What's with all this Thanksgiving hating?? You had your chance when we were voting for Most Evil Hell-iday!
If you have problems with Thanksgiving, take it up with Squanto and his tribe who taught the Pilgrims how to cook turkeys.
Maybe we're asking for a recall!!!!!
Queen, I officially Dub you a "Whatever American" The Informal and "slang" or politically incorrect term would be a "Mut" (not that you are a dog, It just makes sense, and it is slang)
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