Looking for a quick and easy way to make a couple of bucks? Have I got a gig for you!
1. Have someone who knows you fairly well contact your local art museum.
2. Have that someone suggest to the museum lady that you might be available to read surrealist/dadaist poetry for an upcoming exhibit.
3. (This one's important) Respond when the museum lady emails you. Say something along the lines of, "Oh yes. I love dada. Why, I studied it when I was at university." ("at university" will seal the deal)
4. The museum lady will send you a huge packet of poems to choose from. This will occur almost a month and a half before the actual reading. You'll be tempted to start looking through them but don't you dare! For this to be truly effective you must wait until the absolute last minute before you even open that bundle!
5. Enjoy your time off. There are many things you can do: play video games, watch bootleg DVDs, play with a virtual dog, be the first on your block to make a Katrina joke, pick apples, locate the street address for the Taj Mahal...there's a whole world of things to do out there!
6. It's the day before your reading! Now is the time to get to work! Pull the stack of poems out from under that pile of books. Go through them quickly. Remember, these poems hold no real interest for you so there's no sense in poring over them for hours on end. Besides, the clock is ticking!
7. (Most important) Choose your poems based on whether or not you can pronounce every word correctly. Those surrealists are notorious for writing like kindy-garteners, then suddenly dropping some abstruse, Ivy-league word like "anathema" in your lap. If you are unsure of a word here or there, don't worry! When it comes time for your reading, just read that word quickly, yet clearly. Your nonchalance will make everyone think you know the correct way to say the word and that they've been saying it wrong all this time. The ol' bait and switch!
8. Remember how the museum lady asked you to make sure you had a 30-45 minute reading prepared? Maybe now you're thinking you should time your reading? Poppycock! Timing is for sissies. Do you have 15 of these wacko writings in your binder? If so, you're good as gold. There's an easy way to get around the whole 'time' issue (see step #10).
9. It's time for the reading. Dress nicely and slick your hair back (click here for tips). Show up a little early. Introduce yourself with confidence and give firm handshakes. Whenever they aren't looking at you, that's your chance to actually read these puppies.
10. (The key to success) Read as SLOWLY as you think you can get away with. Hit those consonants and project (there will be some sort of surreal vacuum-cleaner "art" in the other room). If you keep it SUPER-SLOW and very crisp, people will think you've been reading this stuff all your life...even though you only looked at it five minutes before showtime!
11. When you finish, people will most likely tell you how brilliant you were (accept their compliments greedily. This may be the closest you'll ever get to fame, after all). If they should ask you questions about the poems, say things like, "I think it's about loneliness" or "It's about the concinnity of life." If they press you further, stick to vague responses like "I think it could go both ways" or "What do YOU think?"
12. Note the girl playing the theremin in the museum cafe on your way out the door.
Follow these simple steps and you'll be reading surrealist/dadaist poetry all the way to the bank!
4 comments:
That was a most concinnous post--that is to say, characterized by a studied elegance and facility of expression. (Or something like that.) I had to look that one up. Tell the truth--was it a Word of the Day?
Let's all just speak the truth here - everyone HATES the surrealists almost as much as they hate the dadaists. They're awful. They're just a bunch of loser artists who couldn't get a gig writing real, meaningful stuff, so they started to write nonsense and convinced some stupid, white, rich people that it was art! What a racket! It's all a bunch of crap! I'll tell it to Sam Shepard's face, too. Don't think I won't. What's his email address?
A-Dub,
Yes, cocinnous is a Word of the Day. Not today. Or yesterday. But soon, very soon.
Queenie 3,
I think your time might be better served finding the street address for the Taj Mahal. Seriously, if I wanted to send a llama or some dates there...y'know?
Not everyone hates surrealism. Maybe you should try your hand at writing something a little surreal. Like floppy clocks.
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