Special Report

Thousands Flee as Ophelia Meanders Off Carolina Coastline
by Fork E. Fourchette

Everycity, USA – Pandemonium has gripped Charleston, SC, as thousands of evacuees fled their homes in response to the Hurricane Evacuation and Location League of New Orleans’ (HELL-NO) recent announcement that Hurricane Ophelia is Hurricane Katrina’s kid sister.

“Before Katrina, I thought hurricanes were just a lot of wind and rain,” said Charleston native, Vonquita Thibbedeaux, 27. “But after I saw what happened to New Orleans on the TV, I realized that this Ophelia is nothing to sneeze at. Especially if she’s related to that [expletive] Katrina.”

Ophelia began as a light breeze off the war-ravaged coast of Africa, but, like her sister before her, she quickly became a force to be reckoned with.

“She has a real flair for the dramatic,” said HELL-NO supervisor Karl Weatherill, 33. “We’re guessing that’s why she’s named ‘Ophelia’, after Shakespeare’s greatest female character of all time.”

Weatherill suggests that Ophelia was originally content to live out her life as a tropical storm, performing to fishes, singing crabs, and mermaids in the mid-Atlantic.

“But once she saw Katrina do her stuff, she was determined to prove to the world who the real performer was.”

Ophelia's close friends describe the stage-struck hurricane as “dramatic,” “sexy,” and “redhead” but never thought she'd have the nerve to threaten even an island or archipelago, much less an entire continent like the United States. Reports indicate that Katrina and Ophelia have had a long-standing feud, arguing like over trivial matters such as which one is prettier and who has the cuter boyfriend.

“But like most girls their age,” Weatherill continues, “For every fight they have, there are just as many acts of love and affection. They’re sisters, after all. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ophelia isn’t just helping Katrina finish the job.”

Citizens of Charleston, SC are not unfamiliar with upheaval. Their city was the birthplace of the popular dance craze of the 1920s and also the Civil War.

But few are prepared for a war against the devastating power of Ophelia. Despite that, many have chosen to brave the storm rather than flee its fury.

“I just wish she would make up her mind about whether or not she wants to hit us,” said Martha Marmalade, 67, a retired English teacher in the Charleston area. “She’s acting just like Hamlet. ‘Will I?’ ‘Won’t I?’ Make up your mind for goodness sake! Until then, I’m staying put. It’s like she has stage fright or something!”

Already, riots have broken out and dozens of antebellum Southern mansions have been destroyed, some unnecessarily so. Shop owner Andrew Schnauzer has lost thousands of dollars in Charleston-made hand-woven baskets, all of which were set ablaze by rioters.

“These people are crazy!” said Schnauzer. He was not available for further comment.

“These are good people who have been driven to their most basic of animal instincts,” said Donny Thornbrush, human rights activist. “Didn’t you see what happened in ‘The Day After Tomorrow’?”

But this isn’t the day after tomorrow. It’s today. And tomorrow may never come. After today.

FEMA critics have already assessed the government’s failure at responding to the Ophelia disaster and are chalking it up as the 23rd greatest natural disaster the country has faced.

“That the president isn’t down there right now waving a great big fan trying to blow Ophelia off course is, well, it’s unnerving is what it is,” said Spurs fan and FEMA critic Fifi LaGauche. “What if there’s a nuclear attack? Does the government have a plan to stop the flooding that will occur? That this administration can’t even stop Mother Nature from committing terrorist attacks on our soil should be a wake-up call to everyone. It's a tremendous failure. F plus, plus, plus.”

Billions of dollars have already been spent on Ophelia relief efforts, despite the fact that no one is sure when/if the hurricane/tropical storm will reach land. But emotions are still running high.

“The government hates black people,” said rapper Tawango Jones at a recent Ophelia relief concert.

"It's the curse! You're all cursed!" said Cockney Crone, 102.

Protestors have formed what they are calling a “human chain of love” in downtown Charleston, calling for an end to hurricane activity and the immediate truce with all hurricanes.

“We don’t even know why this hurricane is attacking us,” said mother of three, Cindy Lulabelle, 48, whose children have already been evacuated to Kansas. “If we could just have five minutes of Ophelia’s time, I’m sure we could work through our differences. And I want the president’s head on a platter.”

Tensions rose ever higher as our crack team of cameramen and reporters were attacked by disgruntled college grad, Nimber O'Werner.

“What’s your problem?” said fanatical O’Werner, 25. “Katrina happens and suddenly any little breeze off the Atlantic is newsworthy. Are the networks really that starved for a scoop? Chill out, people!”

But others, like Thibbadeaux, aren’t taking any chances.

“This some scary [expletive].”