Pleasure Island

Everycity, USA – Houston’s Six Flags Astroworld was once one of the most popular tourist attractions in the state of Texas. Over the years, however, the park has fallen into a serious state of disrepair and quagmire of violence as inner-city gangs have moved their operations from the streets of the ghetto to Looney Tune Land.

“The gangs have turned this theme park into their own personal playland of terror,” said concerned resident Chatty O’Catty. “We were minding our own business by ‘Roadrunner’s Speedway’ when we heard gunshots. It was a drive-by. We had to leap for cover as those miniature race cars on rails sped by, guns blazing.”

In fact, Looney Tune Land is number one on the Houston Police Department’s Most Dangerous Zones in America list. The Astroworld violence has spawned a number of protests from local residents demanding the park close it's doors posthaste.

But all that may change, thanks to the recent purchase of Astroworld by a man who wishes to be known simply as “the Coachman.” A Dickensian-looking gentleman with a homey cockney accent, the Coachman is the brilliant mind behind the exclusive Pleasure Island resort, an amusement park tucked away on an uncharted island somewhere off the coast of Italy.

“I decided it was high-time to expand,” said the Coachman in a recent press conference. “When I heard that Astroworld was closing down, one quick look at the area told me that this was the place to build.”

It’s not all fun and games for this entrepreneur, however.

“I see this as an outreach,” the Coachman continued. “It’s my calling. When I was in Italy I noticed the staggering number of troubled young boys always getting into trouble, not listening to their elders, playing hooky from school. Most of them came from broken homes and probably wouldn't be missed if I was to turn them into--er--if anything awful were to happen to them. I thought and thought of a way to give these boys a place where they could be free to experience life without all the restrictions and expectations society puts on them. That’s how Pleasure Island was born.”

“I just want these boys to have a good time. I want them to know that, in my park, making a jackass of yourself isn’t just allowed, it’s encouraged.”

The Coachman, who has made a vast fortune selling an untold number of donkeys to coal mines and circuses around the world, is reportedly using his own laborers from Italy to revamp the now-closed Astroworld theme park. The laborers work only by night and, according to rumor, are huge, black, shadowy beasts.

“There’s something creepy going on in there,” said Vonquita Thibbedeaux, a Houston native who recently relocated because of Hurricane Ophelia. “But if this Pleasure Island will get my boys off the streets and away from drugs, I’m all for it. I’ve already bought them season passes.”

The Coachman plans to extend his outreach efforts to bring in young men from the impoverished inner-city sections of the city.

“When we officially open two summers from now, I plan to employ the same techniques I used while living in Europe. My associates and I won’t sit here in the park, waiting for them to come to us. Rather, we will come to them.”

The Coachman’s plan involves driving a coach pulled by a team of highly intelligent donkeys into the most destitute neighborhoods of the city where violent crime and unruly behavior are the order of the day. He plans to pick up these boys, many of whom are too poor to afford transportation, and personally escort them to the park like a latter-day Pied Piper. And it won’t cost them a dime.

“I don’t believe in charging the exorbitant fees most theme parks charge. As long as these boys are young, strong, strapping lads and are very, very naughty, they are welcome at the American Pleasure Island.”

But Italy isn't America and the Coachman and his crew may have to change their strategy if they wish to draw an American crowd.

“We’re currently looking for ways to make Pleasure Island as cool an experience as possible and to really appeal to today’s darker, edgier kids,” said Honest John, an anthropomorphic fox who works as the Coachman’s advertising manager. “We really want to make it an experience these boys will never forget.”

Honest John describes his vision of Pleasure Island: the Ghetto Adventure as a place “where every day’s a holiday.”

“Fortunately for us,” says John, “Six Flags has already introduced a jolly elderly gentleman as their mascot. Crowds have really responded well to him so we have every reason to believe the Coachman will have the same success. We’re thrilled to be leading these boys to their doom—er—to a land of fun.”

But some residents are suspicious of the Coachman’s intentions. Particularly Houston resident Nimber O’Werner who violently lashed out at our crack team of reporters.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” she screamed. “This Coachman is going to make money off these boys making jackasses of themselves! It brings to mind the story about a talking donkey named Alexander that appeared in an Italian town dressed in human clothes.”

As the story goes, the donkey, also coincidentally of the same breed as those the Coachman sells, begged to see it’s “mama” and told of an evil man in red who took him to a place called Bleasure Island. Alexander, as the donkey called itself, was immediately sedated and carried off to a high-security lab where scientists could study the animal.

But the Coachman says naysayers like O’Werner are just “party poopers.” He also had an unusual request for his future visitors.

“Rebuilding this park is costing us a pretty penny,” he said. “So boys, when you do come to Pleasure Island, please, please, be as awful as you can. It will really help us out.”

Pleasure Island: The Ghetto Adventure is set to open in the summer of 2007.

The Coachman (above left) escorts several lucky Italian youngsters to Pleasure Island.