This happened quite some time ago but I wrote it down so I'd never forget it. I must've been feeling masochistic that day. It's all/mostly based on truth. I couldn't make this stuff up. Why would I want to?
My Instructions: I'm supposed to index all the documents in the legal library, then if there is a deal that doesn't have any documents in the legal library, I'm supposed to go into the file room and see if there are legal documents in the files. If there are no legal documents in the files I'm supposed to contact the analyst who is in charge of that deal and tell him that there are no files in the file and that there need to be legal files in the file so I can put them in the legal library. If there ARE legal files in the file, I'm to contact the analyst of that deal and ask him to go through it and tell me exactly what needs to be put into the legal library and what needs to stay in the files. Now try reading that really fast, stopping halfway through to answer a phone call, then reciting it from memory.
Me: So, Consuela (my supervisor), I need to clarify. I'm still a little uncertain as to what exactly I'm doing once I index all the legal documents in the legal library.
Consuela: Then get with the analyst, remember how I told you to do that? And have him go through it with you.
Me: No, it's not that. It's the whole thing.
Consuela: What part?
Me: The whole thing. So the goal here is to make sure there are legal files on all the deals in the legal library?
Consuela: Yes.
Me: So if there are legal files in the deal files they all need to be moved into the legal library, yes?
Consuela: Not necessarily.
Me: Okay... so what if the legal library doesn't have any of the files from the file room?
Consuela: Then yes.
Me: Yes what?
Consuela: You need to move them. That's why I said get with the analyst, remember? You need to go through them--
Me: But at what point do I--?
Consuela: This is really just to get the analysts to look at their files because they don't ever look at them.
(pause)
Me: Wait...so this is just a trick to get the analysts to--
Consuela: Remember how I said to get with the analyst?
Me: Yes, I know. Get with the analyst. I'm not asking about that.
Consuela: Because he'll tell you what documents he wants in the legal library, remember?
(beat)
Me: COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE UNCLEAR? Is that possible? Could do that for me? Oh, and while you're at it, make me feel a little more like an idiot by saying, "Remember? Remember?" all the time! How the hell am I supposed to remember something I've never even heard before?!
(pause)
Consuela: (blankly) I told you how to do this three weeks ago, remember?
(phone rings)
(and rings)
(and rings)
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