All Out of Internet

I have a whole lot of money right now.

I've finally been paid--or am in the process of being paid (ahem. Nutty)--for all the gigs I've had this past summer and whooo doggies, do I have a lot of dosh.

So the question arose.

What do I do with all this extra green?

Obviously I lock some of it away.

But what about the rest of it? What about the fun money?

You see...I've fallen in love with someone.

She's from Best Buy. She's 40 inches. She goes up to 1080p. She's crystal clear, like looking through a pane of glass. She's LCD. She's paper-thin. She's the hottest thing on the market.

And there are children starving in Africa.

Oh who cares! You wanna judge me?? WELL I could also be a better steward of my dollars by living in Orange, TX where rent is cheap so I could have more to send to the African orphans!

In related techno-news, the internet has run dry on my expensive computer (which I paid off!!). Yep. Apparently, even though it was working before, NOW they need me to pay $40 to have some schmucks come and "install the internet" onto my machine.

And the earliest they can do that is next Thursday.

I'm sorry, but the next episode in the downloadable Monkey Island pirate adventure game series comes out on MONDAY. NOT THURSDAY.

So I called back three times asking--no--DEMADING an earlier time!

I wasn't saying something. It was absurd. Kept getting the same "Sorry but Thursday is the ONLY day" crap. It's New York. It's a five-minute job. I must not have been saying one of their key buzz words. But what was it?

Oh! Yeah!

"I need this for work."

Suddenly, they were SURE there were more times available.

So hopefully the internet man will come with his marvelous box and refill the internet on my computer. Because I'm all out.

And finally...

Time Out New York, the hip n cool weekly magazine at all the checkout counters wants to do an exposé on--guess who?--moi! Yes, I've hit the big time!

Apparently the whole nude modeling thing has become a source of tremendous interest to the public at large.

I was encouraged by the writer to go online and view the series to get an idea of what it's all about.

Umm.

"Art School Model of the Week"?

"Meet Candice"? "Meet Malcom"? "Click for photos"??

6-8 nude photos, all looking at the camera with a sassy smirk?

And an interview segment that reveals just how stupid and depraved Candice and Malcom really are.

This isn't artistic! This is them trying to use some loophole to get nudity in their mag!

It's like...Fancy porn! Ugh!

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