Finis!

I know it's early by a few days, but I just couldn't wait to finish the One Year Bible. I can't believe I stuck with it! Genesis to Revelation with lots of begatting in between. I learned so much! Let me take you through some of my more memorable moments:

Genesis-Deuteronomy: My first discovery was that the pentateuch (the first five books of the OT), while filled with colorful stories and characters, was NOT written for children. By the time I finished Genesis, I marvelled at how old church ladies could blanch at the mention of sex, then give the third graders their "My First Bible 4 Kidz! (rated R)" for being able to recite the Lord's Prayer.

Leviticus: Call me crazy, but I loved that book! Particularly because people are always dragging Leviticus into all their arguments about not following the Bible because of the Levitical laws that don't make a lot of sense when taken out of context. Seriously, what would you say if someone said to you, "I don't follow the Bible because Leviticus says I can't wear polyester." Kinda makes you want to know what Leviticus ACTUALLY says, doesn't it?

Chronicles: If there's one thing I'll never forget about this year-long read, it's the first ten chapters of I Chronicles. I didn't actually read them...I just sort of...got the gist of them. Do people really do Bible studies on these chapters? How do they stay awake?

King David: He may have been a man after God's own heart, but he also would have been scary to work for. Take, for example, what happened to the guy who helped Saul kill himself. He probably stood there over Saul's broken body and thought, "This is great! Saul has been trying to kill David all these years--now David can sleep easy! And Saul's asking me to put him out of his misery! I know! I'll lop off his head and present it to King David! He'll be thrilled!"

But how did David respond?

"You did what? Saul was the Lord's annointed! As punishment, I'll have you executed! Off with his head!"

Talk about a buzz-kill. That's the last we ever saw of the little dude who was just trying to make his boss happy. At the risk of sounding a tad blasphemous, I thought it was awfully unfair. So I came up with an alternate ending where the head guard takes our little friend away to the dungeon and whispers, "I'll let you out tomorrow. David's just trying to sound extra-holy right now because he was just made king."

Job: Entire days of our daily reading would consist of the crappy advice Job's friends gave him. If we're not supposed to follow what they tell Job anyway, perhaps they could have been a little more... brief.

Song of Solomon: People say it's beautiful poetry about a Godly married relationship. Yeah. I wonder which one of Solomon's harem of wives he wrote this about. "What? You think my breasts look like two grazing fawns? Aw, Solly--I bet you say that to all the new girls!"

Jonah: Hey! The VeggieTales movie was pretty accurate!

The Gospels: I said this a lot: "Oh--! Jesus! Please be a little less vague! People are going to build entire cults around that little throwaway comment you just made!!"

Mark: Is it just me or does the "new" ending of Mark (16:9-20) feel a little...I dunno...rushed? And can you really blame the snake-handlers?

2 Peter: "Hey! That's not in the Four Spiritual Laws!"

Revelation: I hope this is literal. I mean, as freaky as it would be to live through it, how wild would it be to see our very practical world suddenly turned into this wacked-out supernatural crazy land? We've got mountains falling into the sea turning it to blood, we've got scorpions with lion heads, we've got people who try to kill themselves but can't...

It would be like that scene in The Mummy when the Mummy comes back to life and brings all the plagues of Egypt with him. Whenever one happens, Brendan Fraiser's little sidekick guy quotes the Bible and says stuff like, "And lo, the water became as blood."

How cool would it be to be the guy who recites the prophecy while he and his friends watch in horror as ___________ (insert cataclysmic event here)??


And that's what I got out of the Bible. Well, not really. I got a little more out of it than just that. But you don't really want to hear about all the anguished soul-searching and difficult question-asking, do you?

So...

Do I get a prize?