Finis!

I know it's early by a few days, but I just couldn't wait to finish the One Year Bible. I can't believe I stuck with it! Genesis to Revelation with lots of begatting in between. I learned so much! Let me take you through some of my more memorable moments:

Genesis-Deuteronomy: My first discovery was that the pentateuch (the first five books of the OT), while filled with colorful stories and characters, was NOT written for children. By the time I finished Genesis, I marvelled at how old church ladies could blanch at the mention of sex, then give the third graders their "My First Bible 4 Kidz! (rated R)" for being able to recite the Lord's Prayer.

Leviticus: Call me crazy, but I loved that book! Particularly because people are always dragging Leviticus into all their arguments about not following the Bible because of the Levitical laws that don't make a lot of sense when taken out of context. Seriously, what would you say if someone said to you, "I don't follow the Bible because Leviticus says I can't wear polyester." Kinda makes you want to know what Leviticus ACTUALLY says, doesn't it?

Chronicles: If there's one thing I'll never forget about this year-long read, it's the first ten chapters of I Chronicles. I didn't actually read them...I just sort of...got the gist of them. Do people really do Bible studies on these chapters? How do they stay awake?

King David: He may have been a man after God's own heart, but he also would have been scary to work for. Take, for example, what happened to the guy who helped Saul kill himself. He probably stood there over Saul's broken body and thought, "This is great! Saul has been trying to kill David all these years--now David can sleep easy! And Saul's asking me to put him out of his misery! I know! I'll lop off his head and present it to King David! He'll be thrilled!"

But how did David respond?

"You did what? Saul was the Lord's annointed! As punishment, I'll have you executed! Off with his head!"

Talk about a buzz-kill. That's the last we ever saw of the little dude who was just trying to make his boss happy. At the risk of sounding a tad blasphemous, I thought it was awfully unfair. So I came up with an alternate ending where the head guard takes our little friend away to the dungeon and whispers, "I'll let you out tomorrow. David's just trying to sound extra-holy right now because he was just made king."

Job: Entire days of our daily reading would consist of the crappy advice Job's friends gave him. If we're not supposed to follow what they tell Job anyway, perhaps they could have been a little more... brief.

Song of Solomon: People say it's beautiful poetry about a Godly married relationship. Yeah. I wonder which one of Solomon's harem of wives he wrote this about. "What? You think my breasts look like two grazing fawns? Aw, Solly--I bet you say that to all the new girls!"

Jonah: Hey! The VeggieTales movie was pretty accurate!

The Gospels: I said this a lot: "Oh--! Jesus! Please be a little less vague! People are going to build entire cults around that little throwaway comment you just made!!"

Mark: Is it just me or does the "new" ending of Mark (16:9-20) feel a little...I dunno...rushed? And can you really blame the snake-handlers?

2 Peter: "Hey! That's not in the Four Spiritual Laws!"

Revelation: I hope this is literal. I mean, as freaky as it would be to live through it, how wild would it be to see our very practical world suddenly turned into this wacked-out supernatural crazy land? We've got mountains falling into the sea turning it to blood, we've got scorpions with lion heads, we've got people who try to kill themselves but can't...

It would be like that scene in The Mummy when the Mummy comes back to life and brings all the plagues of Egypt with him. Whenever one happens, Brendan Fraiser's little sidekick guy quotes the Bible and says stuff like, "And lo, the water became as blood."

How cool would it be to be the guy who recites the prophecy while he and his friends watch in horror as ___________ (insert cataclysmic event here)??


And that's what I got out of the Bible. Well, not really. I got a little more out of it than just that. But you don't really want to hear about all the anguished soul-searching and difficult question-asking, do you?

So...

Do I get a prize?

Guess what today is!

End o' the Year

Hey! Time for you (yes! YOU!) to start a new week-after-Christmas tradition. No, it's not Chanukkah or Kwanza. It's about a million times better!

Go to the bookstore today and every night this week, read a few chapters of "Peter Pan" by J.M. Barrie. I've done it for the past two years now. If you hate New Years because it reminds you of the temporal nature of life and the unstoppable passage of time, this is the book for you. Barrie's magnificent prose, vivid imagery, and deft use of metaphor will magnify those unpleasant feelings until they burst out of you in the form of bitter tears.

There's nothing like ringing in the new year with a good cry.

The True Meaning of Christmas (aside from the whole Jesus thing)

If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"

"Uncle!" pleaded the nephew.

"Nephew!" returned the uncle, sternly, "keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine."

"Keep it!" repeated Scrooge's nephew. "But you don't keep it."

"Let me leave it alone, then," said Scrooge. "Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!"

"There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say," returned the nephew. "Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round -- apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that -- as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

A Christmas Shindig!

I know this is very last-minute but...

TONIGHT!

The 2nd Annual Last-Minute
Forkish Christmas Party!

You all know where I live and if you're reading this you're invited (unless you're one of those internet psychos).

Doors open at 7:30pm. There will be soft Christmas music playing which will, hopefully, have a soporific effect, causing us to be nice and quiet for my sleeping neighbors downstairs.

There will be fresh-baked pumpkin pie (aka Forkish Delight) and peppermint hot chocolate from Williams-Sonoma. And everyone who comes will get a delightful gift from Forky Claus!

Feel free to bring whatever you like, but remember...tomorrow is a working day!

Christmas Trivia!!

Some interesting Christmas facts!

Sainty Claus!

Our office building is throwing a Christma--er--Holiday party for its tennants today! From 3-5 there will be Christma--uh--Holiday goodies to eat and hot chocolate to drink. But that's not the best of it.

Sainty Claus himself will be there JUST for the tennants so they can get their picture with him and tell him the deepest darkest desires of their flesh! I'm thrilled, I tell you. Only problem is, I'm not sure what to ask him for. Any ideas?

Kwanz-uhh?

Major props to A-Dub for her well-written and revealing treatise on the origins of Kwanzaa. Take a peek! You might be surprised!

Time's a-wastin'!

Today is the last day to make a suggestion for Waffelle's Christmas gift! Make it a good one! And if you've already cast your vote, feel free to vote again!

Happy Effing Holidays!

(scene: the receptionist desk on the 42nd floor. Candie has just returned from lunch--I have been relieving her as usual.)

Me: Hey Candie, have you heard about the contest that the Big Boss wants to throw?

Candie: No, what is it?

Me: He thought it would be fun to have some sort of company contest and the winner gets this nice champagne basket thing.

Candie: Wow! I wanna win!

Me: Oh, I know! I'm all out of alcohol at my apartment and I'm in desperate need of some with which to medicate my occasional feelings of purposelessness.

Candie: Me too!

(Ginjur, the petite admin who looks just about as sweet as she can be, enters with a clipboard.)

Ginjur: Y'all had better hurry up and get your ideas for the contest to me! We're going to settle on what we're doing for the contest around 3:30 today.

Candie: What are some of the ideas?

Ginjur: Well, one idea is to see who can carve the Eventual Practical Services logo out of candy...

Me: Sounds hard.

Ginjur: And another is to have an obstacle course around the office...

Candie: Fun!

Ginjur: And another is to rewrite the lyrics to a Holiday Song.

Me: You mean a Christmas carol?

Ginjur: (instantly explosive) Oh don't you dare start that [expletive]!

Me: (stunned for a moment. Then) What?

Ginjur: That [expletive]! You'd better not be one of those people who boycott places that call things "Holiday" instead of "Christmas".

Me: No. I'm just saying that, for example, 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' is a Christmas song. What's wrong with calling it what it is?

Ginjur: (really cooking now, eyes aglow and hair standing up--the girl obviously has a major axe to grind with Christmas) Look, if YOU want to call it a Christmas tree, that's your thing. If you have a problem with me calling it a Holiday Tree, that's not my problem, that's YOUR problem for having such closed-minded beliefs!

Me: I think you're wrong. It's a Christmas tree. It's not a Stocking tree. It's not a Winter tree. It's not a Giving tree. It's a Christmas tree. We put them up for Christmas. Would it make any sense to call a Menorah a Holiday Candle?

(Ginjur exits in a blind rage)

Roaring

Suppose a flapper--let's call her Jane--Suppose Flapper Jane took a bus to the big city, only she accidentally got off in the 21st century. What surprising things might she encounter?

Waffles

I looked at my company calendar today to figure out when I'm going to use up my remaining 2005 paid time off. Then I saw something I wasn't ready for.

Christmas is two weeks away!! As in, next Saturday is Christmas Eve!

And somebody hasn't done ANY Christmas shopping yet.

So somebody is going to remedy that. Thing is, somebody has hit a bit of a snag.

You see, my brother Forko is getting married on January 7th, 2006, to a lovely girl from Belgium. And what do you get for a girl who comes from the land that gave us waffles, chocolates, and koo-koo clocks?

Now, before you all start bringing up the atrocities committed by Belgians in World War II (and really, who can forget them?), just remember last weekend when you were driving across town and you cut that guy off who was trying to get in the other lane. My point? We all make mistakes.

Waffelle is here in the states now. And Santa Claus is readying his sleigh with a car-seat for the Baby Jesus (that's for another post).

I'm in a bind! I'm asking you--yes, YOU! You there, reading this post!--Help me think of something to get for Waffelle for Christmas! Most people will be getting Forko and Waffelle ordinary wedding things like rags and banana holders. Waffelle is bound to experience a little culture shock when she gets here. She's also bound to be a little bored as she won't be able to work until her citizenship goes through. Bearing those things in mind, what can I get that will really say "Welcome to America!" in an entertaining yet culturally sensitive sort of way?

And just in case you need a little prodding...THIS time around, the winning suggestion will receive a swell gift! I'm not kidding either!

So start sending in your entertaining yet culturally sensitive gift ideas! The polls will close on Thursday night at the stroke of midnight! Vote, vote, vote!

It's only fair...

New for 2006! It's the Holiday Candle!

There's a Christ in my Movie!

My, my. How the times have changed. Once, in a pre-culture war era, C.S. Lewis was held in high regard, his Narnia books being considered pinnacles of children's fantasy.

Not nowadays! Now he's an insidious villain--a third-rate hack whose poisonous pen will brainwash your youngsters with it's hateful Christian principles.

Seriously, gang. I'm baffled at how the English-speaking world's view of Lewis has done a complete 180 in the last few months simply because one of his books got the big-budget Hollywood treatment like Rowling and Tolkien.

And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there are subliminal Chick Tracts hidden in the pages of Narnia books. They're just stories with Christian symbols and themes. But the mere presence of a Christian element is aparently enough for some people to denounce Lewis outright. I used to think people just didn't like preachy Christians. I'm coming to realize that what they don't like is--well--Christianity itself.

It's really interesting to read negative reviews of the 'Wardrobe' film. Take a look at some of them. It's worthy of note that these critics all seem to think the movie is great--if it weren't for that dag-blamed Jesus with a mane! Waiter! There's a Christ in my movie! We can't have this! Two stars! (and seeing as how the movie really waters down the original story, I'd hate to see what would've happened if Disney hadn't messed with Lewis' narrative to give it a wider appeal)

And for the record, for these folks to pooh-pooh Lewis for being "preachy" (nowadays, merely alluding to Christ is considered "preachy", amazingly enough) or heavy-handed with his allegory is kind of missing the point. His goal in 'Wardrobe' was to retell the crucifixion/resurrection story. And I think we can all agree that he achieved what he set out to do.

Check it:

"In reality however he is an invention giving an imaginary answer to the question, 'What might Christ become like, if there really were a world like Narnia and He chose to be incarnate and die and rise again in that world as He actually done in ours?" -C.S. Lewis on Aslan

A Sophisticated Proposal

So I'm busy writing these Eventual Practical Services Letters to Santa for the Office Party tonight. One of the people we're razzing is Ginjur, the administrative assistant to the office athiest (the devout one). Ginjur is very short and petite and people are always kicking her out of bars because at first glance they think she's 12. No kidding.

So for Ginjur's letter to Santa, I had her asking Santa to make her a tall elderly woman for one day--but with a good liver so she could still party like a rock star.

I gave the draft to Mr. Archibald and it came back with the word "elderly" circled.

"I think," he said, "that people might find the word 'elderly' offensive. How about...'sophisticated'?"

That's funny. I thought we called old people elderly to keep from offending them. And now "elderly" is offensive. Or maybe what this is really about is people are afraid of anything that reminds them that life is fleeting and sooner or later we'll all be pushin' up daisies.

It's much too difficult for me to pinpoint. So to make it easy, I have a modest proposal: Let's get rid of adjectives!

Who's with me?! This will be a time! A time!

A Simple Question

So we have two Jehovah's Witnesses up here on the 42nd Floor. Right now, all the admin assistants are busy trying to get the Christm--Holiday cards out. But Geraldine and Cathy won't even touch them. So Candie, the receptionist, is having to send their team's stacks of cards out FOR them.

Seems awfully unfair, n'est-ce pas?

So I have a question for our Jehovah's Witness friends.

If they don't celebrate Christmas--to the point that they won't even TOUCH the company Christm--Holiday cards--then shouldn't logic dictate that they MUST come in to work on Monday the 26th when our office is closed in observance of Christmas??

By taking the day off, aren't they kind of celebrating Christmas in a roundabout way?

Out of the Closet

JJo and I managed to score ourselves some advance screening tickets to 'The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' (LWW) this weekend. How was it? Well, I'm about to tell you--what I thought anyway.

LWW is one of my very favorite books. I distinctly remember first hearing the story in our Sunday school class when I was six or seven. Our class watched about ten or fifteen minutes of the cartoon version (which is surprisingly faithful to the book--all the dialogue is lifted straight from the pages so there are no wisecracking animals or anything like that) every Sunday and then the Sunday school teachers would tell us what each of the characters represented.

There has been a lot of criticism lately over Christians who would force 'their interpretation' of Narnia onto a child. These critics believe that nobody should tell kids about the allegory in C.S. Lewis' story and that it's only as Christian as you want it to be--that it's REALLY just a fun fantasy novel.

Well, I hope those critics are pleased with themselves, robbing children of the discovery that not everything in the world is literal. When I was told that Aslan was Christ and the White Witch was the devil...that the story of LWW is a retelling of the Crucifixion/Resurrection story, I began to look at the world in a different way. Things began to carry a deeper meaning. I began digging in to find the deeper, hidden messages behind stories--not just settling for surface level. In fact, I believe I owe a great deal of how my mind developed to discovering Narnia at an early age.

So I think it goes without saying I'm a big fan of the book.

As for the film version... not so much.

The kids do an admirable job, with little Lucy being the Kewpie-doll cutest of the bunch. The film is chock-full of gee-whiz! state of the art CGI and a score that doesn't let up. Performances all around range from just fine to swell. There's a lot to like.

However, there's a very familiar feeling to it all. We've seen it all before. We know what a CGI ogre and CGI goblin look like. We've seen so many epic battle scenes since 'Braveheart' that the whole 'fields of war' thing feels a mite stale. And so on.

Still, much like the recent 'Willy Wonka' film, up until the halfway point or so, the film is surprisingly accurate to the book, right down to Lucy entering the wardrobe and looking over her shoulder to make sure she can still see the light from the spare room behind her (for she knew it was a foolish thing to shut oneself up in a wardrobe).

Then the halfway mark hits and it becomes an action movie. The children run for their lives for the next twenty minutes, outrun a pack of wolves, and go on a white water adventure as the frozen river they're trying to cross begins to crack beneath them due to the rapidly approaching spring (in the book, spring is a GOOD thing. It meant that the Savior had come. In the film, it's just another danger for them to endure).

Another fatal misstep comes from the director's decision to cut away from Aslan's resurrection in favor of yet another dime-a-dozen Lord of the Rings-style battle sequence. I remember reading in an interview early on that he always felt that the death and resurrection scene in the book was dull, dull, dull--that what he always wanted to see was the battle scene that takes place when Aslan comes back to life, flies to the White Witch's palace, and breathes life into her stone prisoners. Yeah! Who wants to see all that stuff anyway? Let's see another battle!

Nice try, Mr. Director Man. You just screwed up your movie.

Folks, we all saw ten hours of battles in the three Lord of the Rings movies. If I see one more windswept battle field with orcs and ghoulies with bad teeth roaring on one side and the good guys with clean teeth cheering on the other... It's simply not exciting. What you want to see is what's going on with Aslan. As it is, we get to see one statue come to life, then we cut back to the battle sequence for ten minutes, then we cut back to Aslan who, during this time, has restored all the statues to back to their living selves.

Well great. Instead of seeing something different and interesting, we're treated to yet another tedious fantasy battle.

It's all very distracting. Lewis' novel is very tight. He didn't write filler (*cough* *Rowling* *cough*). Everything in his book is there for a very specific reason. By packing the latter half of the movie with so much extra stuff to make the film more mainstream and 'Disnefied', the meanings behind Lewis' images fail to carry the same emotional impact they have in the book--to the point that, in the film, when Aslan kills the White Witch and says, "It is finished" it sounds less like Lewis and more like a production company who wants to try desperately to cater to both a Christian and a secular audience. It sounds false. Nice try, Disney. I wasn't born yesterday.

In the end, if you really want to see it, what the heck. It's not terrible (though the director really shows his roots when his talking animals make wisecracky Shrek-esque jokes) and the White Witch's palace truly is a wonder to behold. By the end, however, the film has totally lost its focus, trying to play to both the religious and secular crowds. This is a mainstream Narnia. Not the one Lewis wrote.

C+ to B- (depending on my mood)

Busy Monday

It's another scary Monday morning! I've got so much to do I don't have a single moment to write my advanced screening review of the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (oh yes--someone saw it this weekend and that someone's name is me!)

So let this picture suffice for now:

Hack

Uh oh. Smells like someone's smoking in the stairwell again...