Christmas is Over

Today at St. Thomas Episcopal Church on 5th Avenue (hey rector! Google THIS!) was the service for the epiphany. For those of you who may not know, that's the first day Christmastide (you know, the 12 days of Christmas) is over and is traditionally observed as the day the magi shook hands with the Baby Jesus. It's kind of a big deal, but not incense-worthy. More like the gateway to the rest of the year.

I was looking forward to today's service. I settled in at my usual time, 11:02, on one of the side pews near the back of the building and noticed something unusual the minute we finished the opening hymn.

All the conservative clergy--that is to say, the church leaders who don't think the Bible is a 2,000 year old piece of Middle Eastern fiction--were absent.

That meant the pulpit belonged to the extremely liberal one. You know, the guy who refers to God as "He/She" and makes everybody scratch their heads wondering what chapter of 2 Cachinnations he pulled that from.

Today we simple-minded folk in the pews had the great good fortune of hearing declared that the nativity account in Matthew is "improbable" and "imaginative" with Matthew probably being one of those who would subscribe to that whole "Christmas is magic" falderal because he was the father of that whole notion, littering his legendary account with things that, well, quite simply could never happen.

But that's okay because Christmas is just about love anyway.

Whew! I'm sure glad someone managed to reach into the gloom of history and pull out the truth at last!

I'm not sure I quite get this mamby-pamby notion that ab-so-lute-ly everything to do with Christianity can be boiled down to "you don't have to believe it--it's just a bunch of pretty stories about being nice to people." Somehow I feel like there must be more to it.

In the email-in-my-mind I composed to the rector as I stormed out of the church, the guy in the pulpit saying something to the tune of "this will probably sound heretical to most of you..." I said,

Dear Sir,

For the sake of those of us in the congregation who actually believe this stuff, please do not plan any vacations on or around Easter. 'Preciate it.

Your best friend,
Fork


Srsly.