I Have HAD It!

***MAJOR RANT ALERT***

Just in case I haven't made it ABUNDANTLY clear...

...Theatre is the same EVERYWHERE.

It's like how in The Grapes of Wrath, the family moves from the dustbowl to the "Promised Land" of California and discovers the hard way that life in California is still life. With all its hardships and people dying in the backseat of your depression-era pickup truck.

The director was here for our opening night. Haven't seen her since. What director doesn't stick around at LEAST through the first couple of shows on opening weekend?? It's not as if the paint was even dry. We had changed things the night before opening and even the day of opening there were new things. And instead of sticking around...off she goes! I understand she's pregnant (by her male husband, no less!) and she couldn't stick around after opening night because she was feeling "tired," but she's about two months preggers. What is she, bedridden?

Then there's the backstage talk. Before the show starts, the "ladies" of our cast sit around, belching (no, really!) and talking about the VILEST of things. I don't even want to HINT at what they talk about. I put my iPod in and block it out so I can get myself focused for the evening, but it seems like whenever I do that, one of our two addled stage managers comes in to give us our time call. And even though I shout, "THANK YOU, FIFTEEN!" they look at me and say, all sassy-like, "You know, I'm JUST not sure you can hear me with those things in your ears."

The two bumbling stage managers are really something. One comes in and says, "Guys, we're at 10 minutes to places." ("Thank you, ten!")

Then the other one comes in about a minute later--no, seriously--it happened twice last night--and says, "Actors, we're at fifteen." ("Thank you...fifteen?")

Then the "ladies" of the cast start talking about how our stage managers are the BEST stage managers they've ever had the pleasure of working with. They're so organized.

Organized, huh?

At fight call, one of the stage managers will shout, "Okay, go!" while a bunch of dingbats who aren't in the scene walk across the stage and before anybody is even in place to do the fight.

Last night I came into the theatre very calmly...I was going to be totally smiley and happy. Boy, that was a lost cause. The other stage manager came RUNNING into the dressing room with this INTENSE panicked energy and fairly shrieked, "The late-night play had a dress rehearsal last night and so I need you ALL to check your props on stage because I don't see any of them there!!!!1!"

I RUN onto the stage. She's RIGHT! None of our stuff is on the stage! PANIC! HORRORS!

Maybe because we all JUST got to the theatre and our props are still in that box next to our costumes. GoooooOOOOooood LAWD.

Later we got sassed at by one of the stage managers. Like, REALLY sassed at.

"We have got to hurry from now on because the late-night show needs to be in this space at 10:30. (cue the wide-eyed sass right abooooouuuuut....now) Right now we're finishing at 10:35 and we cannot do that. Yes, Forky? You have a question?"

"Yes. Didn't we hold the house ten minutes last night?"

"................yes. We did."

At intermission, the "ladies" continue talking about their private parts, but also--shoot me in the FACE--add to the mix how they think the show is going.

You who did junior high/high school...even some college shows know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

"Oh my gosh! Act one totally blew chunks!"

"Oh, man. I am just SUCKING tonight!"

"This sucks! We're just sucking! We can't suck in act two!"

"Yeah! Lets say our lines faster!"

"Okay! Yeah, we've gotta say them faster. We're going to rock the house now!"

I'm telling you, guys. It's enough to make you gnaw off your leg. After five years of professional work, you'll hear that kind of talk from one or two people in the cast. But not EVERYBODY. No, when you're really doing this professionally, people talk less about how they THINK the show is going and just DO THE DANG SHOW.

Last night we got back in the theatre after intermish and, of the 14 people we started with, only 8 remained.

Well, the post-show conversation WAS interesting.

"Think about it, guys. Those people were OLD. They wouldn't APPRECIATE something like THIS."

"Yeah. They're obviously idiots from Omaha who should be seeing the Lion King instead."

It's amazing, guys. These "ladies" simply cannot understand why people would leave. I mean, not even taking into account the naked lesbian boobies, let's look at this: the cast is on stage the entire time. When we're not in the scene, we put on these druid robes and stand against the walls of the black box and make creepy moaning and humming sounds behind the audience. The director also mentioned she wanted us to interact with the audience so's to invite them into the world of the play, right?

Well, this girl in full druid garb and drool trickling down her mouth, DASHES up to these poor audience members, then stops and stares at them for five minutes. Another one sits down in an empty seat next to some patron, looking like she's taking a druidic smoke break. They harrass the audience in the opening number by shoving their boobs in the audiences faces, in the crowd scenes, they swat the audience's legs...it's invasive. It's uncomfortable for me to WITNESS this.

Then when you add some rather shocking lesbian sex scenes, well. All bets are off. Seriously. The show had better be REALLY TIGHT and I'd better have a compelling reason to stick around for act two because I do NOT want to sit here and receive more abuse at the hands of Naked Druid Lesbians from Brooklyn.

I think that's enough. I think you see now. Yes, we're off-off Broadway, a mere two blocks away from the actual street and three blocks from a Broadway house, but even so--

Theatre in New York is still theatre.