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Are Hags from Heck Hexing Hotties?

MacKenzie Denonno (27) may spend the rest of her days as an adorable pug after being attacked by witches while jogging in Central Park

by Forky Fourchette,
42nd Floor Crack Team Investigator

A new wave of crime is rolling over the New York like a swarm of fleas—and it has law enforcement officials sitting up and begging for answers.

On jogging trails across the City, attractive young women depart for evening jogs on their never-ending quest for beauty…and they’re coming back as dogs.

“It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen before,” said chief officer Hamilton Brooks of the newly formed New York Canine Transformation Division Department. “Our women are being turned into dogs. Mostly pugs. Some chihuahuas, but mostly pugs.”

So far there have been an astounding 43 reported cases of girlfriends-gone-canine. Most recently, 27 year old MacKenzie Denonno. According to sources, Denonno went on her routine jog in Central Park around midnight two nights ago.

“It was just like any other night,” said her boyfriend Brandon Devonshire. “I came home from work and Macky left for her jog. It got to be really late and she didn’t come back. I was getting worried.”

“Suddenly I heard this scratching at the door. It was MacKenzie, only she had been turned into a dog. A pug. I could tell because she was wearing the same black jogging suit with piggie-pink running stripes. I picked her up and her tail started wagging really fast. She licked me on the nose. That was when I knew it was her.”

Devonshire, a devoted boyfriend, has since adopted Denonno and takes her on walks every evening.

“She really likes playing fetch.”

While the reason for the bizarre rash of transformations remains a mystery, a number of New Yorkers have pointed their fingers at a coven of local wicked witches.

“I don’t understand how people can be so judgmental,” said Worsheppe deDevil, leader of the coven. “We're just a nice group of ladies who enjoy an evening at the theatre. This is a perfect example of how out of control our government has become with its racial profiling. So what if I have green skin. So does broccoli. You don’t see anyone pointing their annoyingly manicured fingers at broccoli, do you?”

“It’s not our fault those irritatingly beautiful blonde bombshells are all turning pug-ugly. Eee hee hee.”

With wicked witches ruled out as suspects due to the possibility of hurt feelings, law enforcement officials are left without a clue.

Until the matter is resolved, however, the mayor has encouraged New Yorkers to care for their transformed loved ones by making sure they receive plenty of water, kibble, and belly rubs.

“And if they get out of line,” says Brooks, “A corrective swat to the rump with a rolled-up newspaper should prove very effective.”

More on this story as it develops.