We're 98% sure that the footage of Dick Clark was filmed six years ago. Either that or they were using a robot double.
Happy New Year everyone!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New Year's Eve
I'm at the internet café again. There are some extremely loud Noo Youhkuhs standing behind be screaming into my ear. It appears there's some sort of sports thing happening on the TV behind me.
Oh, wait, upon looking over my shoulder, I see that nothing's going on. People here are just loud.
It's New Year's Eve. I never did get around to sending out a Christmas or New Years card or letter. Three closing shifts in a row sort of suck out whatever remaining energy you might have used by writing a reflective letter. No, instead, you come home, have a shot of whatever's nearby, brush your teeth, play a video game, and turn out the lights.
I have to marvel at this year. It was such a turbulent one for me. Starting with that production of 'Fiddler' in the spring, a trip to New York to see the Cat Circus, then my granddad died, then came all the 'Midsummer' madness and the ab stuff, then I left Everycity and moved to New York.
Wow...I just summed up my entire year in a three-sentence paragraph. Woot!
I don't know what 2007 is going to bring. For one thing, (ding-dong) Sadaam is dead. Seems meet and right for a new villain to step into the limelight. Will 2007 be the year the nuke goes off in Crime Square? Will I still be here when it does?
I also got cast in an off-off-Broadway one act that performs at the end of January so expect to see posts about that in the coming weeks. I'm going back to the office again, as well. Yes, I'm returning to REAL temp work (as opposed to "temp work") starting January 8th. Honestly, Numbtindoughland has been fun and all--I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. But all this legitimate WORK--stuff that makes you collapse into bed when you get home--it's for the birds. I'm ready to go back to fake work. You know, sitting at a desk and answering phones or typing copy and getting paid bags of money to do it.
Oh sure, I'll do some "temp work" every now and then. I've become a "Casual Friday" kind of guy. It's in my very marrow.
But 2007...I have a feeling about this year. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and give it the title, "The Year I Figure Things Out."
It'll be fun to see if it lives up to its name, won't it? And, as always, our crack team of reporter will be there to give you the latest updates from Supercity X.
But for now, I need to get to the gym. My abs are looking a little soft.
So long, ot-6. We hardly knew ye.
Oh, wait, upon looking over my shoulder, I see that nothing's going on. People here are just loud.
It's New Year's Eve. I never did get around to sending out a Christmas or New Years card or letter. Three closing shifts in a row sort of suck out whatever remaining energy you might have used by writing a reflective letter. No, instead, you come home, have a shot of whatever's nearby, brush your teeth, play a video game, and turn out the lights.
I have to marvel at this year. It was such a turbulent one for me. Starting with that production of 'Fiddler' in the spring, a trip to New York to see the Cat Circus, then my granddad died, then came all the 'Midsummer' madness and the ab stuff, then I left Everycity and moved to New York.
Wow...I just summed up my entire year in a three-sentence paragraph. Woot!
I don't know what 2007 is going to bring. For one thing, (ding-dong) Sadaam is dead. Seems meet and right for a new villain to step into the limelight. Will 2007 be the year the nuke goes off in Crime Square? Will I still be here when it does?
I also got cast in an off-off-Broadway one act that performs at the end of January so expect to see posts about that in the coming weeks. I'm going back to the office again, as well. Yes, I'm returning to REAL temp work (as opposed to "temp work") starting January 8th. Honestly, Numbtindoughland has been fun and all--I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. But all this legitimate WORK--stuff that makes you collapse into bed when you get home--it's for the birds. I'm ready to go back to fake work. You know, sitting at a desk and answering phones or typing copy and getting paid bags of money to do it.
Oh sure, I'll do some "temp work" every now and then. I've become a "Casual Friday" kind of guy. It's in my very marrow.
But 2007...I have a feeling about this year. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and give it the title, "The Year I Figure Things Out."
It'll be fun to see if it lives up to its name, won't it? And, as always, our crack team of reporter will be there to give you the latest updates from Supercity X.
But for now, I need to get to the gym. My abs are looking a little soft.
So long, ot-6. We hardly knew ye.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Trained Monkeys
Monkeys are in charge of our store. We have hundreds...HUNDREDS of Numbtindough Giis in the back room. And guess what?! We're not selling them! I mean, sure we sell about 200 every morning to the people in line (yes, there's still a line forming in front of the store). But the demand is through the roof, the crowds this past week have been worse than launch day AND Black Friday put together... Common sense would tell you, "Hey, Christmas is over. While the demand is still high and people have Christmas money to spend, why don't we sell as many of these bad boys as we can?"
But what do the monkeys do? They've decided NOT to sell them. SERIOUSLY! They ration these Giis like we're about to run out--but we have a couple of thou in the back and a warehouse full of 'em in Jew Nersey!
Here's a conversation I had with one of the managers today:
Me: Hey Carlo, why don't we just sell all the Giis we have? Y'know. Just...sell 'em all.
Carlo: Because imagine how bad Numbtindoughland would look if we sold them all and then had to wait two or three weeks for our next shipment?
Me: Why would we go weeks without getting a shipment? Since November 19th, we haven't gone four days without getting several hundred units.
Carlo: (silence...then leaves)
* * *
Then there's this new bright idea one of the managers had. What if we randomly sell units throughout the day without telling anyone?! Not even the EMPLOYEES! Maybe that will cut down on the line in front of the store every morning! Yeah, fat chance!
So imagine how much fun it is to be in a store FULL of angry people looking for the Gii, telling them we're sold out, then three minutes later watching in horror as boxes and boxes are brought out onto the floor?
"YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SOLD OUT!"
It's such a shockingly stupid move that I almost can't believe we're doing it. It makes me even more furious than the supposed "recall" (which was completely untrue, by the way). It's even worse when perfectly nice, genteel people calmly approach you and politely ask for the product. You lie to their faces and watch them leave the store, crestfallen. Then, minutes later, out comes Scrappy Malone chomping on a cigar, shouting, "I GOT A GII! YUK! YUK!"
The other reason we're not selling Giis?
Because the managers know that the customers know we have them.
No, I'm not kidding. All it took was two days of randomly selling a "surprise afternoon shipment" before those crafty consumers caught on. "Hey! Maybe they're not getting shipments at all. Maybe they have a bunch in the back room! If I hang around here in the afternoons, there's a good chance I'll get a system!"
That's when the managers say, "Well, since we've got a bunch of people waiting for the Gii upstairs...we're not going to sell any. That'll show them."
This, of course, is all in attempt to perpetuate this effing lie that we get daily "shipments". Rather than be called liars, the managers simply won't sell the units at all! All so they can say, "See, I told you our shipment didn't come in today."
We had a very angry customer today (see below). Instead of going out and doing anything about him, the managers retreated to the bunker downstairs and let the man frighten everybody.
Another Poor Man came to the store very upset about a major screw-up one of the cashiers made when he purchased a Gii weeks ago. He came back a few days later and spoke to Manager A about it. That manager said to come back a few days later and talk to Manager B. Manager B tells him to talk to Manager C next week. Manager C says the problem will be fixed when Manager A gets back from vacation.
Poor Man comes in VERY upset. I attempt to diffuse the situation by asking him what the problem is, agreeing that, "Yes, someone should have done SOMETHING to help him by now" and running downstairs to grab Managers Carlo or Fayette.
Carlo looked legitimately busy counting someone's register. Fat Fayette was sitting at her desk watching her portable DVD player (yeah, while Gii-steria is going on upstairs, she's hiding downstairs. For real).
"Hey Carlo, Fayette, we've got a customer upstairs who really needs assistance from one of you guys. He says he needs help with..." I describe the situation
Carlo just looks up. Says nothing. Fayette doesn't even take her earbuds out of her ears. She gives me this look like, "This isn't MY problem!" and mutters something to Cashier Bob.
The next time I see Cashier Bob, he's standing there telling the very upset Poor Man, "Sorry. We can't do ANYTHING for you."
To which I say, "WTF?"
Location: The Gii Sports station. Me and a tiny toddler.
Me: Okay, you can play tennis, baseball, bowli--wow. You're really little. You're like a Who.
* * *
Location: The Same
Me: Okay, you can play tennis, baseball, bowling, golf, or boxing. Don't say golf...don't say golf...
* * *
Location: The Same
Snooty McLaine: (tossing her luxurious hair) Do you have any more Numbtindog Golden Retrievers?
Me: (busily trying to assist kid with Gii Sports) Sorry, ma'am. I have no idea.
Snooty McLaine: (again with the toss) That's what the man at the Gii upstairs said. How am I going to find out.
Me: I don't know. Do I look like a psy-op?
* * *
Location: The Same
Me: (to Disgruntled Dolores) I'm so sorry, ma'am. We sold our last Gii several hours ago. We're completely sold out of Giis for today. (Happy Man walks by with a newly-purchased Gii in a bag)
* * *
Location: Outside, immediately after it was announced we were "sold out" of Giis.
Crazy Carl: I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER! I WANT NINTENDO ON THE PHONE! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I WANT THE MANAGER OUTSIDE NOW! I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE FROM NINTENDO NOW! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ALL THE PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE!
* * *
Location: Inside, a few hours later.
Crazy Carl: I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER NOW! GET THE MANAGER OUT HERE! I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH A MANAGER!
* * *
But what do the monkeys do? They've decided NOT to sell them. SERIOUSLY! They ration these Giis like we're about to run out--but we have a couple of thou in the back and a warehouse full of 'em in Jew Nersey!
Here's a conversation I had with one of the managers today:
Me: Hey Carlo, why don't we just sell all the Giis we have? Y'know. Just...sell 'em all.
Carlo: Because imagine how bad Numbtindoughland would look if we sold them all and then had to wait two or three weeks for our next shipment?
Me: Why would we go weeks without getting a shipment? Since November 19th, we haven't gone four days without getting several hundred units.
Carlo: (silence...then leaves)
* * *
Then there's this new bright idea one of the managers had. What if we randomly sell units throughout the day without telling anyone?! Not even the EMPLOYEES! Maybe that will cut down on the line in front of the store every morning! Yeah, fat chance!
So imagine how much fun it is to be in a store FULL of angry people looking for the Gii, telling them we're sold out, then three minutes later watching in horror as boxes and boxes are brought out onto the floor?
"YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE SOLD OUT!"
It's such a shockingly stupid move that I almost can't believe we're doing it. It makes me even more furious than the supposed "recall" (which was completely untrue, by the way). It's even worse when perfectly nice, genteel people calmly approach you and politely ask for the product. You lie to their faces and watch them leave the store, crestfallen. Then, minutes later, out comes Scrappy Malone chomping on a cigar, shouting, "I GOT A GII! YUK! YUK!"
The other reason we're not selling Giis?
Because the managers know that the customers know we have them.
No, I'm not kidding. All it took was two days of randomly selling a "surprise afternoon shipment" before those crafty consumers caught on. "Hey! Maybe they're not getting shipments at all. Maybe they have a bunch in the back room! If I hang around here in the afternoons, there's a good chance I'll get a system!"
That's when the managers say, "Well, since we've got a bunch of people waiting for the Gii upstairs...we're not going to sell any. That'll show them."
This, of course, is all in attempt to perpetuate this effing lie that we get daily "shipments". Rather than be called liars, the managers simply won't sell the units at all! All so they can say, "See, I told you our shipment didn't come in today."
We had a very angry customer today (see below). Instead of going out and doing anything about him, the managers retreated to the bunker downstairs and let the man frighten everybody.
Another Poor Man came to the store very upset about a major screw-up one of the cashiers made when he purchased a Gii weeks ago. He came back a few days later and spoke to Manager A about it. That manager said to come back a few days later and talk to Manager B. Manager B tells him to talk to Manager C next week. Manager C says the problem will be fixed when Manager A gets back from vacation.
Poor Man comes in VERY upset. I attempt to diffuse the situation by asking him what the problem is, agreeing that, "Yes, someone should have done SOMETHING to help him by now" and running downstairs to grab Managers Carlo or Fayette.
Carlo looked legitimately busy counting someone's register. Fat Fayette was sitting at her desk watching her portable DVD player (yeah, while Gii-steria is going on upstairs, she's hiding downstairs. For real).
"Hey Carlo, Fayette, we've got a customer upstairs who really needs assistance from one of you guys. He says he needs help with..." I describe the situation
Carlo just looks up. Says nothing. Fayette doesn't even take her earbuds out of her ears. She gives me this look like, "This isn't MY problem!" and mutters something to Cashier Bob.
The next time I see Cashier Bob, he's standing there telling the very upset Poor Man, "Sorry. We can't do ANYTHING for you."
To which I say, "WTF?"
* * *
SOUNDS WHILE SELLING
* * *
Location: The Gii Sports station. Me and a tiny toddler.
Me: Okay, you can play tennis, baseball, bowli--wow. You're really little. You're like a Who.
* * *
Location: The Same
Me: Okay, you can play tennis, baseball, bowling, golf, or boxing. Don't say golf...don't say golf...
* * *
Location: The Same
Snooty McLaine: (tossing her luxurious hair) Do you have any more Numbtindog Golden Retrievers?
Me: (busily trying to assist kid with Gii Sports) Sorry, ma'am. I have no idea.
Snooty McLaine: (again with the toss) That's what the man at the Gii upstairs said. How am I going to find out.
Me: I don't know. Do I look like a psy-op?
* * *
Location: The Same
Me: (to Disgruntled Dolores) I'm so sorry, ma'am. We sold our last Gii several hours ago. We're completely sold out of Giis for today. (Happy Man walks by with a newly-purchased Gii in a bag)
* * *
Location: Outside, immediately after it was announced we were "sold out" of Giis.
Crazy Carl: I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER! I WANT NINTENDO ON THE PHONE! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I WANT THE MANAGER OUTSIDE NOW! I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE FROM NINTENDO NOW! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ALL THE PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE!
* * *
Location: Inside, a few hours later.
Crazy Carl: I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER NOW! GET THE MANAGER OUT HERE! I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH A MANAGER!
* * *
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Which Pudding is it Anyway?
I'm sitting here at the internet café. A family of seven seems to think it's their living room and are trying to get their toddlers to perform a rousing rendition of "We Wish You A Merry X-Mas (and a Happy New Year)."
They got to the part about pudding.
"Oh, bwing us uh piggy pudding, Oh, bwing us uh piggy pudding and bwing it wight now!"
The pudding. I'm pretty sure scholars have debated what KIND of pudding they were talking about ever since the first person sang this song and muttered the name of the pudding at that concert before the queen centuries ago.
"What did he just say? Did he say 'bring us a piggy pudding'?"
"No! It was totally FIGGY pudding."
"I could have sworn it was biggy pudding. You know, like a LOT of pudding."
I have to get to work so I don't have time to research this. In traditional 42nd Floor fashion, I'll let you all decide it for me.
Which Pudding Is It Anyway?
Is it...
Piggy Pudding
Figgy Pudding
Biggy Pudding
or
Gimmie Pudding
Your vote will count for double if you also include a list of basic ingredients. You never know, I might just make some!
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry
Merry Christmas to all from the great mega-lega-lopolis of Supercity X! Enjoy being with your family today!
Friday, December 22, 2006
It's December 22nd. I have the day off. I haven't done and Christmas shopping because I'm afraid to spend money. I haven't written a Christmas letter because I don't know what to say. I haven't stopped eating the Christmas cookies my sister sent me because they make me feel happy.
I have a confession to make.
"What? Another? Honestly, every time I read this blog I feel like I'm Forky's priest or something. And he's not even Catholic. OR Episcopalian!"
Spending Christmas by yourself really sucks.
Up until now I've tried to put on a brave face. I've told myself lies about how cool it is that I'm spending Christmas in the coolest city on planet earth. I've tried to distract myself with my job. It works--but eventually I have to clock out and make the lonely walk home, knowing that, in just a few short days, everybody is going to be doing pagan jigs around their Christmas trees with the entire family.
Everybody, that is, except me.
No, on Christmas Eve, I'm leaving work and descending into the subway once again (oh yes--a few drunken nights ago I did this) and playing sweet, sweet Christmas tunes on my ocarina, hopefully making some change in the process. Then I'll walk home, turn off my phone, mutter, "There's no such person as Santa Claus!" and go to bed.
At Numbtindoughland, we're all doing Secret Santas. When approached about participating I thought, "Sure! This'll be a cute, inexpensive little thing to do."
Thing is, since there are so many temps, none of us were exactly sure of what to get one another. So up went the Santa's Wish List in the break room.
"Holy crap," I thought. "Someone's asking for the new Sellda game. That's $50. Good grief--here's someone asking for a $35 Numbtindough BS game! Geeze! What is wrong with these people?? Secret Santa is supposed to have a $20 limit!"
I asked around. Turns out OUR Secret Santa has a $20 MINIMUM!
What does my Secret Santa want? A big bottle of Jameson. No. I'm not kidding.
I know we're all video game nerds and techno geeks so our tastes are naturally more expensive, but come on. At $12 an hour in NYC, I can't afford to drop $40 on a near-stranger! That's cruel!
I'm not gonna be one of those guys. I just asked for the $6 Mario plush. We'll see if Santa delivers.
In the meantime I'm going to spend the rest of my day sitting here and sighing as if my heart will break.
I think I'm going to pretend Christmas has been cancelled this year. Or maybe it would be best to take the Ebeneezer Scrooge approach and look down on people celebrating while I secretly longing to be among them.
I'll let you know what I come up with. One way or another, it's gonna be good.
I have a confession to make.
"What? Another? Honestly, every time I read this blog I feel like I'm Forky's priest or something. And he's not even Catholic. OR Episcopalian!"
Spending Christmas by yourself really sucks.
Up until now I've tried to put on a brave face. I've told myself lies about how cool it is that I'm spending Christmas in the coolest city on planet earth. I've tried to distract myself with my job. It works--but eventually I have to clock out and make the lonely walk home, knowing that, in just a few short days, everybody is going to be doing pagan jigs around their Christmas trees with the entire family.
Everybody, that is, except me.
No, on Christmas Eve, I'm leaving work and descending into the subway once again (oh yes--a few drunken nights ago I did this) and playing sweet, sweet Christmas tunes on my ocarina, hopefully making some change in the process. Then I'll walk home, turn off my phone, mutter, "There's no such person as Santa Claus!" and go to bed.
At Numbtindoughland, we're all doing Secret Santas. When approached about participating I thought, "Sure! This'll be a cute, inexpensive little thing to do."
Thing is, since there are so many temps, none of us were exactly sure of what to get one another. So up went the Santa's Wish List in the break room.
"Holy crap," I thought. "Someone's asking for the new Sellda game. That's $50. Good grief--here's someone asking for a $35 Numbtindough BS game! Geeze! What is wrong with these people?? Secret Santa is supposed to have a $20 limit!"
I asked around. Turns out OUR Secret Santa has a $20 MINIMUM!
What does my Secret Santa want? A big bottle of Jameson. No. I'm not kidding.
I know we're all video game nerds and techno geeks so our tastes are naturally more expensive, but come on. At $12 an hour in NYC, I can't afford to drop $40 on a near-stranger! That's cruel!
I'm not gonna be one of those guys. I just asked for the $6 Mario plush. We'll see if Santa delivers.
In the meantime I'm going to spend the rest of my day sitting here and sighing as if my heart will break.
I think I'm going to pretend Christmas has been cancelled this year. Or maybe it would be best to take the Ebeneezer Scrooge approach and look down on people celebrating while I secretly longing to be among them.
I'll let you know what I come up with. One way or another, it's gonna be good.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Best Brain of Friday
Location: the Gii Legend of Sellda station on the second floor. I'm passing out controllers and going through the basics of the game for people trying it.
Suzy Fourth-Grader: Okay, I have no idea how to play this.
Me: Oh. Well, then this isn't going to be much fun for you OR me, is it?
Happy weekend!
Suzy Fourth-Grader: Okay, I have no idea how to play this.
Me: Oh. Well, then this isn't going to be much fun for you OR me, is it?
Happy weekend!
Best Brains of the Day
Location: The Gii Sports station on the first floor. Louie Lefty, a toddler of about four years, is playing the baseball game.
Mad Mom: SIR! SIR! My son lost at home run derby because he's left-handed and you had the game set as right handed!
(without saying a word, I pluck the controller from the twerp's hand. I go to the character-select screen and began shouting "Merry Christmas to all! Happy, happy holidays! Christmas is magic!" as I made the character left handed for every sport in the Gii Sports game. I plunk the controller back in the whelp's southpaw and run around the corner to cool down. I observe the kid's lousy batting from there)
Me: Maybe you're better off batting righty, kid.
(Fortunately, Mad Mom is on the other side of the store, not paying a lick of attention. Apparently she, like so many other soccer moms, just wanted to fight about something. The kid starts swinging uncomfortably close to the plastic display cube the Gii is sitting in. I know I have to do something)
Me: Excuse me, buddy. I really don't want to touch you because I'm afraid of your mom, but could you take a big step back? Thanks.
Mad Mom: SIR! SIR! My son lost at home run derby because he's left-handed and you had the game set as right handed!
(without saying a word, I pluck the controller from the twerp's hand. I go to the character-select screen and began shouting "Merry Christmas to all! Happy, happy holidays! Christmas is magic!" as I made the character left handed for every sport in the Gii Sports game. I plunk the controller back in the whelp's southpaw and run around the corner to cool down. I observe the kid's lousy batting from there)
Me: Maybe you're better off batting righty, kid.
(Fortunately, Mad Mom is on the other side of the store, not paying a lick of attention. Apparently she, like so many other soccer moms, just wanted to fight about something. The kid starts swinging uncomfortably close to the plastic display cube the Gii is sitting in. I know I have to do something)
Me: Excuse me, buddy. I really don't want to touch you because I'm afraid of your mom, but could you take a big step back? Thanks.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
It's Raining (and Best Brains of Yesterday)
So much for a White Christmas. I'm killing time in an internet café waiting for the deluge to freakin stop. Seriously! Supercity X is going to be seeing stormy skies and temperatures in the 50s and 60s over the next several days!
Best Brains of Yesterday (today's my day off)
Deadbeat Parent: Excuse me, do you have any games that would be good for a three/four year old?
Me: (aside, mockingly) I'm looking for a good game for my zygote. Any recommendations?
* *
It's 9:00am I'm stationed on the second floor, setting the Gii systems up for the day. I go downstairs to get the controllers. The main store manager is surrounded on all sides by furious customers who were unable to purchase a Gii after getting in line at 4am. He talks to them for a minute, then calls out to the assistant store manager in training on the other side of the store, "Hey Tyrone! Raise your hand!" Tyrone, confused, does so. "THAT'S the guy you wanna talk to!" says the store manager. The crowd mobs Tyrone while the manager ducks out. There are so many and they're all so angry (imagine a cartoon fight cloud) that Tyrone actually manages to slip away and help me...while the cartoon fight cloud continues to fill that corner of the store...you really had to be there to fully appreciate the Bugs Bunny-ness of the situation.
* *
Location: the Gii Sports station on the first floor
Judy Jewess: Excuse me, sir...but can my Little David be next?
Me: Certainly. Right this way, Little David.
* *
Location: the first floor, Gii accessories
Robby: You know, Forky, you really shouldn't tell people "You don't need this accessory." That's really bad salesmanship. You're supposed to stay away from negative statements.
Me: Okay...how about if I say, "You really wouldn't like that" instead?
* *
Seriously, guys. It's just like the scenes in the original Willy Wonka movie where the people storm the candy stores looking for a golden ticket. It's Wonkamania...
Best Brains of Yesterday (today's my day off)
Deadbeat Parent: Excuse me, do you have any games that would be good for a three/four year old?
Me: (aside, mockingly) I'm looking for a good game for my zygote. Any recommendations?
* *
It's 9:00am I'm stationed on the second floor, setting the Gii systems up for the day. I go downstairs to get the controllers. The main store manager is surrounded on all sides by furious customers who were unable to purchase a Gii after getting in line at 4am. He talks to them for a minute, then calls out to the assistant store manager in training on the other side of the store, "Hey Tyrone! Raise your hand!" Tyrone, confused, does so. "THAT'S the guy you wanna talk to!" says the store manager. The crowd mobs Tyrone while the manager ducks out. There are so many and they're all so angry (imagine a cartoon fight cloud) that Tyrone actually manages to slip away and help me...while the cartoon fight cloud continues to fill that corner of the store...you really had to be there to fully appreciate the Bugs Bunny-ness of the situation.
* *
Location: the Gii Sports station on the first floor
Judy Jewess: Excuse me, sir...but can my Little David be next?
Me: Certainly. Right this way, Little David.
* *
Location: the first floor, Gii accessories
Robby: You know, Forky, you really shouldn't tell people "You don't need this accessory." That's really bad salesmanship. You're supposed to stay away from negative statements.
Me: Okay...how about if I say, "You really wouldn't like that" instead?
* *
Seriously, guys. It's just like the scenes in the original Willy Wonka movie where the people storm the candy stores looking for a golden ticket. It's Wonkamania...
Monday, December 11, 2006
Best Brains of the Day
Location: The Gii Sports station on the first floor.
Me: If you press left and right on the control pad you can adjust the character's viewpoint.
Gamer Gary: (in all earnest sincerity) But I don't even know who this character is!
"Dude! Dis is jus' like beatin' someone up in duh hood!" -Harlem Harry on the Gii Sports boxing game
"You gotta be f*#!ing s+!#ing me!" -Average response when we tell folks what time they need to get in line in order to buy a Gii from our store.
Me: If you press left and right on the control pad you can adjust the character's viewpoint.
Gamer Gary: (in all earnest sincerity) But I don't even know who this character is!
"Dude! Dis is jus' like beatin' someone up in duh hood!" -Harlem Harry on the Gii Sports boxing game
"You gotta be f*#!ing s+!#ing me!" -Average response when we tell folks what time they need to get in line in order to buy a Gii from our store.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Wait...Maybe Christmas Really IS Magic
Hold on to your sugar-plum fairies, folks. Because I'm about to pull a total reversal. That's right. I'm here today to tell you the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular is the most spectacular damn thing I've seen in a month of Christmases. In fact, it was so Christmassy, I'm afraid I have to confess that I might have been wrong. Maybe Christmas really IS magic.
It was so spectacular, in fact, that no words in the vernacular can describe this great event. You'll be dumb with wonderment.
The only thing the show DIDN'T have was the Amazing Acrobats of China. If that show had had the Amazing Acrobats of China, that would have been it. I'd've pooped my pants.
Still, Chinese Acrobats or no, the quality and orbiting-the-moon production values of this show gave me pause.
How can "they" allow other people--like your average lame-o theatre in Everycity, for instance--how can they allow those folks to put on shows that claim to be chock full of hours of forget-your-worries entertainment that never deliver, when there exists an event, an experience, a bedazzlement like that line of legs? The cartwheeling midgets? The ice skating rink that appears on stage? The donkeys, camels, and flock of sheep???
I'm telling you. Those ladies in that show take a licking and keep on kicking. And what's more, they melted my Scroogified heart with their snappy ditties, their ukuleles, and tap-tap-tapping. How could any Ebenezer resist THAT?
Of course, the best part came when we took a 3D ride on Santa's sleigh. At one point, some presents fall out of his bag and hover in front of our 3D-spectacled faces. The audience fell over themselves with screams as they reached out greedily for the imaginary packages that promised to fill that void in their hearts. I laughed and made a mental note of the event. If I ever become a preacher or something, I think that would make a swell sermon.
Meanwhile, it's business as usual at Numbtindoughland. The CD of video game music I made for the store keeps being rejected by the DVD player in the back room. We still have lines of people camping out for Giis.
It was 20 degrees this morning and, fool that I am, I didn't bring my gloves. So I thought, "I know, I'll get a cup of coffee!" Problem is, to hold the coffee, one of my hands had to be out in the elements. It wasn't long before I exclaimed, "DANG! My hand is freakin COLD!" I switched hands. And seconds later, "DANG! My other hand is freakin COLD!" This charade continued until I was a mere two blocks from the coffee shop. I could take it no more. To keep me from having to amputate my frost-bitten fingers, I dumped the completely full $2.05 cup of Starbucks Christmas blend in the trash and plunged my hands into my pockets.
It was so cold my nose froze. Seriously. I had to go inside somewhere and warm up for a second before continuing my five block journey. And when I got to the store, guess what? There was ANOTHER line of people waiting to get their hands on the Numbtindough Gii. It was 7:30am! These people got in line at 4am! I couldn't stop myself. I said MUCH too loudly as I walked, "You're crazy! You're ALL CRAZY!" Fortunately, none of them heard me. And even if they did, I look really different with my hair pulled back in a pony.
Never being one to pass up a buck, I did accept some "temp work" on my day off a couple of days ago. I also failed to pick up a cup of coffee. That afternoon, in the middle of a particularly languid pose--er--power point presentation, I fell asleep for a few minutes. For real.
So imagine how I felt when I woke up, having forgotten where I was.
"Oh my gosh! Who are all these strangers looking at me? Why am I sitting next to an ironing board with a pair of antlers on it? Holy crap! Where are my clothes? I must be dreaming! Oh...wait...no. I'm just at work."
It was so spectacular, in fact, that no words in the vernacular can describe this great event. You'll be dumb with wonderment.
The only thing the show DIDN'T have was the Amazing Acrobats of China. If that show had had the Amazing Acrobats of China, that would have been it. I'd've pooped my pants.
Still, Chinese Acrobats or no, the quality and orbiting-the-moon production values of this show gave me pause.
How can "they" allow other people--like your average lame-o theatre in Everycity, for instance--how can they allow those folks to put on shows that claim to be chock full of hours of forget-your-worries entertainment that never deliver, when there exists an event, an experience, a bedazzlement like that line of legs? The cartwheeling midgets? The ice skating rink that appears on stage? The donkeys, camels, and flock of sheep???
I'm telling you. Those ladies in that show take a licking and keep on kicking. And what's more, they melted my Scroogified heart with their snappy ditties, their ukuleles, and tap-tap-tapping. How could any Ebenezer resist THAT?
Of course, the best part came when we took a 3D ride on Santa's sleigh. At one point, some presents fall out of his bag and hover in front of our 3D-spectacled faces. The audience fell over themselves with screams as they reached out greedily for the imaginary packages that promised to fill that void in their hearts. I laughed and made a mental note of the event. If I ever become a preacher or something, I think that would make a swell sermon.
Meanwhile, it's business as usual at Numbtindoughland. The CD of video game music I made for the store keeps being rejected by the DVD player in the back room. We still have lines of people camping out for Giis.
It was 20 degrees this morning and, fool that I am, I didn't bring my gloves. So I thought, "I know, I'll get a cup of coffee!" Problem is, to hold the coffee, one of my hands had to be out in the elements. It wasn't long before I exclaimed, "DANG! My hand is freakin COLD!" I switched hands. And seconds later, "DANG! My other hand is freakin COLD!" This charade continued until I was a mere two blocks from the coffee shop. I could take it no more. To keep me from having to amputate my frost-bitten fingers, I dumped the completely full $2.05 cup of Starbucks Christmas blend in the trash and plunged my hands into my pockets.
It was so cold my nose froze. Seriously. I had to go inside somewhere and warm up for a second before continuing my five block journey. And when I got to the store, guess what? There was ANOTHER line of people waiting to get their hands on the Numbtindough Gii. It was 7:30am! These people got in line at 4am! I couldn't stop myself. I said MUCH too loudly as I walked, "You're crazy! You're ALL CRAZY!" Fortunately, none of them heard me. And even if they did, I look really different with my hair pulled back in a pony.
Never being one to pass up a buck, I did accept some "temp work" on my day off a couple of days ago. I also failed to pick up a cup of coffee. That afternoon, in the middle of a particularly languid pose--er--power point presentation, I fell asleep for a few minutes. For real.
So imagine how I felt when I woke up, having forgotten where I was.
"Oh my gosh! Who are all these strangers looking at me? Why am I sitting next to an ironing board with a pair of antlers on it? Holy crap! Where are my clothes? I must be dreaming! Oh...wait...no. I'm just at work."
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Christmas is Magic
A very upset French woman asked me, of the Gii Sports compilation game, "Why doesn't this have basketball on it?"
She then started ranting about the fact that it was so difficult to find a Numbtindough Gii. She kept looking at me like it was my fault.
"Maybe I vill punish Numtindough by buying somesing else, like zee Spraystantion 3!"
Okay, lady. You do that. You teach that Numbtindough a lesson.
Yesterday someone called me Mr. Numbtindough. Today someone called me Mr. Numbtindough Guy. To get my attention, customers whack me on the shoulder and shout, "ExCUSE me!" usually three at a time.
The soccer moms are still the worst. When you ask who's next in line, they give you this...this LOOK and say, of their child, "THIS little boy has been waiting PATIENTLY for a VERY LONG TIME." That's when you secretly give their child the hardest difficulty setting and watch them flounder around while their dumb mom praises their failures.
Some soccer mom said her child was next. Her child was not waiting in line. I directed her to the line. She flipped.
"The security guard told me this was the line for Selda!! My child does not WANT to play Selda!! Now you tell me I'm supposed to get in line!! I want you to walk right up to that security guard and tell him he was WRONG because I have three babies with me and they ALL want to play BloodLust 2!"
"I'm sorry, ma'am. The security guard is on his break."
"Then I'm going to wait here till he comes back and I'm going to come get you so I can see you tell him myself!"
I'm serious.
It's like they want someone to blame for their inability to find this product. You know what? Maybe in five years when the next big system comes out, how about we do what we should have done THIS time...and PREORDER the dang thing?
"How do I get a Gii for my son?"
"You have to get in line before the store opens, sir."
"Oh--THAT'S not gonna HAPPEN! The little twerp can wait till next August!"
I walk through Crockafella Center and hear all the stupid Christmas music about how Christmas is magic and it makes people nice and children happy.
Yeah, like the dad who told his son, "JESUS CHRIST, you little--you'd better get away from me right now before I--"
Or the children who scream and whack their parents with Gii remotes when they try to help their little darlings with the games.
Or the seven year old girl who still rides in a stroller.
Or the mobs of school children who sweep through the store on field trips to Crockafella center and their chaperones who stand idly by as they terrorize everybody.
Or the smarty-pants parents who have "figured out" Numbtindough's market strategy and tell everyone around them while shooting dirty looks at me and the other employees as if we have something to do with it.
Screaming. Yelling. Horrible parents. Bratty kids. Greed. Blame throwing.
I've got news for you, folks: Christmas is not magic. Christmas is dumb.
She then started ranting about the fact that it was so difficult to find a Numbtindough Gii. She kept looking at me like it was my fault.
"Maybe I vill punish Numtindough by buying somesing else, like zee Spraystantion 3!"
Okay, lady. You do that. You teach that Numbtindough a lesson.
Yesterday someone called me Mr. Numbtindough. Today someone called me Mr. Numbtindough Guy. To get my attention, customers whack me on the shoulder and shout, "ExCUSE me!" usually three at a time.
The soccer moms are still the worst. When you ask who's next in line, they give you this...this LOOK and say, of their child, "THIS little boy has been waiting PATIENTLY for a VERY LONG TIME." That's when you secretly give their child the hardest difficulty setting and watch them flounder around while their dumb mom praises their failures.
Some soccer mom said her child was next. Her child was not waiting in line. I directed her to the line. She flipped.
"The security guard told me this was the line for Selda!! My child does not WANT to play Selda!! Now you tell me I'm supposed to get in line!! I want you to walk right up to that security guard and tell him he was WRONG because I have three babies with me and they ALL want to play BloodLust 2!"
"I'm sorry, ma'am. The security guard is on his break."
"Then I'm going to wait here till he comes back and I'm going to come get you so I can see you tell him myself!"
I'm serious.
It's like they want someone to blame for their inability to find this product. You know what? Maybe in five years when the next big system comes out, how about we do what we should have done THIS time...and PREORDER the dang thing?
"How do I get a Gii for my son?"
"You have to get in line before the store opens, sir."
"Oh--THAT'S not gonna HAPPEN! The little twerp can wait till next August!"
I walk through Crockafella Center and hear all the stupid Christmas music about how Christmas is magic and it makes people nice and children happy.
Yeah, like the dad who told his son, "JESUS CHRIST, you little--you'd better get away from me right now before I--"
Or the children who scream and whack their parents with Gii remotes when they try to help their little darlings with the games.
Or the seven year old girl who still rides in a stroller.
Or the mobs of school children who sweep through the store on field trips to Crockafella center and their chaperones who stand idly by as they terrorize everybody.
Or the smarty-pants parents who have "figured out" Numbtindough's market strategy and tell everyone around them while shooting dirty looks at me and the other employees as if we have something to do with it.
Screaming. Yelling. Horrible parents. Bratty kids. Greed. Blame throwing.
I've got news for you, folks: Christmas is not magic. Christmas is dumb.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
New Blogger
My apologies. This new blogger is so difficult to sign in to on my Blockberrie that most of the time, when I feel like writing, all I have to do is think of how much trouble I have to go through just to get to this page and I quietly slip the gizmo back into the holster.
There's no real reason for this post, just to let you all know that I'm still here, still alive, and still...still...
We got our first blast of Wint'ry air last night. It's been unseasonably/uncomfortably warm up here the past week and suddenly--WHAM! It's blissfully chilly outside! It's supposed to snow on Monday! Woot!
However, it still doesn't feel very Christmassy. I mean...it's New York City. And Nelson is miles away living it up with the leo Files.
Still, life goes on. Expect me to eat my words about loving this cold weather in the next couple of weeks. And, just for fun, do a Google search for North Brother Island.
There's no real reason for this post, just to let you all know that I'm still here, still alive, and still...still...
We got our first blast of Wint'ry air last night. It's been unseasonably/uncomfortably warm up here the past week and suddenly--WHAM! It's blissfully chilly outside! It's supposed to snow on Monday! Woot!
However, it still doesn't feel very Christmassy. I mean...it's New York City. And Nelson is miles away living it up with the leo Files.
Still, life goes on. Expect me to eat my words about loving this cold weather in the next couple of weeks. And, just for fun, do a Google search for North Brother Island.
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