I could do another rant about tiny blondes driving enormous suburbans as though they were mini-coopers. Meh. Better not. The ladies didn't like it the last time I made a post about Death-UVs...
How about how nobody knows what's going on at rehearsals for Fiddler? That one of our main cast members is about to take his family on a week-long cruise (which the director is totally okay with) and he won't be back until the beginning of tech week? Or that we had our first blocking rehearsal last night only there was a Bar Mitzvah in the auditorium and we had to rehearse in a tiny classroom instead? Or that we still haven't touched any of the ENORMOUS dance numbers that fill this deceptively LARGE show? Or that Lola Levenstein, the director herself, is in a local production of Evita right now and randomly DOESN'T show up to rehearsals? Nahh...that's not too interesting to anybody but me...
Or how about the fact that Candie, the receptionist on the 42nd Floor, is out this morning getting her arm put in a cast because she found her husband's secret collection of internet porno videos and felt so angry, violated, and betrayed that she punched a wall and broke her wrist? Snooooooze!
No, this morning I'd like to tell you the most interesting thing of all:
Most blender pitchers have removable screw-off bases.
When you make something in your new blender--for example, a fresh fruit smoothie made with delicious strawberries, bananas, a spoonful of all-natural peanut butter, some honey, all-natural reduced-fat milk, two scoops of vanilla protein powder, and a couple of ice cubes--make sure the bottom of the blender pitcher (the part with the blades that connects to the base unit) is COMPLETELY screwed on.
Otherwise, you'll be running out the door early on a Monday morning--early because you have to cover the front desk for the aforementioned jilted receptionist who's getting her arm put in a cast--thinking about how you're going straight from work to the gym and then to rehearsal, so you need to bring enough food to last all day--only it has to be kosher because you're going to eat it in a Jewish Community Center--plus making sure you have rehearsal clothes and your cell phone and iPod and script and music, all the while trying to keep your long hair down and flat so it won't curl and make you look even more like a college student which will make the security guards stop you and ask to see your Eventual ID badge...
...and with your travel cup in hand, you yank the pitcher off the blender and pour the smoothie into your cup. Then you wonder why nothing is coming out of the pitcher. Then you look at the blender and see that your smoothie is still there...along with the bottom of the pitcher.
I tried so hard to laugh about it. I mean, delicious pink goo oozing all over your kitchen counter when your mind is filled with Jewish kosher laws and receptionists with pornographic wrists and you're already late as it is and THIS happens? What isn't funny about that?
It's like how when you skinned your knee as a kid and your mother told you, "If you cry, it'll only hurt worse and you'll bleed more."
I've taken that old wives tale with me into adulthood but modified it. Now, whenever bad things happen, I try hard to laugh at them. After all, getting upset about bad things only makes them worse, right?
Try as I might, I just couldn't see this as being very funny.
So when I can't see the funny side of an unpleasant situation, I resort to Plan B: Divine Intervention.
Maybe there was some greater purpose behind it all. Maybe the delay caused by my smoothie spill kept me from getting into a fatal accident with a tiny blonde in a suburban.
So allow me to take a moment and raise my empty glass in humble tribute to God...and the smoothie that saved my life.
A disaster waiting to happen. Like the Titanic.
15 comments:
I've tried the "maybe it's really God trying to save my life" approach, too. It didn't really make me feel better, and there is nothing funny about leaking blenders. I have just given up on blenders altogether, and refuse to own one anymore, because they're really all just pieces of crap that work about three times and spend the rest of their lives trying to destroy your sanity.
If that story about Candie is true, then (A) I can't believe she TOLD you (wouldn't a minor car accident have been better than betrayal-fueled rage?) and (B) that is so sad.
It's kinda funny, I was making a smoothie for myself in the fall, when I got an urgent "my car isn't working call" from a friend of mine who needed a ride to work. So I grabbed my smoothie, jumped in the car, and went to pick her up... but my attempts were thwarted by a tiny blonde in a suburban who ran directly into my driver side door. After she hit me... on the driver's SIDE... she got out of her car and walked up to me, shaking in my crushed car, and gave me this look, "would you get out of my way? like, I'm obviously trying to go somewhere!" I spent the whole day in the hospital strapped to a board. pictures of the fated day. So maybe your smoothie did save your life... or at least your car and your day.
Well, the REAL Candie probably didn't think I'd be posting her plight on my blog when she confided in me last week. Good thing she never reads this thing, right? (insert unsure George Michael laugh here)
She told me because she wanted a "guy's" point of view to make sure she wasn't overreacting. I told her that she might have been just a little, but she was still justified for feeling the way she did.
She wasn't overreacting. She just punched the wrong thing.
What's wrong with you people? Hasn't anyone heard of a Smoothie King? It's a magical place where smoothies flow like wine and you never have to touch a blender! They hand you little golden cards that they punch and one glorious day you get your regular size smoothie for free! Ye gods, it's wonderful!
Yeah--and they go for six bucks a pop! I already paid $30 for a tub of whey protein and I'll be dag-blamed if I'm going to plunk down more of my hard-earned cash while I've got that thing taking up half the space in my kitchen.
I hate smoothies, so I don't really feel sorry for you. If you want protein, why don't you just eat meat? That's what I do. A nice big steak with some mashed potatoes and gravy. Mmm. Smoothies are for wimps. uhh...I mean...you're a big, strong guy.
so, the kitty makes the smoothies? I don't get it.
Feed the whey protein to the kitty and ditch the blender. I'm telling you, it's quite liberating! We never use our blender; it sits under the cabinet like an artifact next to the old worn-out coffee maker and weeps sad, bitter tears of neglect and loneliness.
Who said anything about Nelson making smoothies? What are you guys smoking? Is it legal? Can I try some?
I never said anything about the kitty making smoothies. I suggested that he be fed the whey protein so he could become pumped up and compete in the Mr. Kitty Universe pageant. And there is nothing wrong with men driking smoothies. In fact, I'm going to go out and get me a bumper sticker that says "Real Men Drink Smoothies."
No matter what you say or think, you picking up the blender and leaving the smoothie behind is definitely way amusing. As for divine intervention... if God can use a talking ass, he can use a smoothie.
Cach, true God could use a smoothie, was this the circumstance? I'm going to say yes, God did, but not for some super natural deflection of tiny blondes in Death-UV's. God used it for the sheer fact that it is funny. This goes to prove that God has a sense of humor...this and of course Peter. God may have been having a slow day and thought, "Gee wouldn't it be funny if some long haired actor in Everycity were to spill smoothie all over the kitchen on a day he is running late because of the Porn Punching Wall Avenger" He could have had you slip on a banana peel to spill said smoothie forky, but that would have been to easy.
I'm enjoying these theories on God. Especially the ones about his sense of humor. God does have a sense of humor - I mean - just look at me! If my existence doesn't prove God has a sense of humor, then I don't know what does!
I know how you feel Queen...God's sense of humor gets me through the day
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