Cartoon Riots Turn Comical

42nd Floor Press
by Forky Fourchette

Toontown, California -- About 2,000 of the world's most beloved cartoon characters from Bosco to Mulan chanted "Death to America" and "Death to France" and "Death to Mexico" as they set cartoon fires to cartoon buildings, beginning what many are calling an all-out cartoon riot.

But these cartoons aren't laughing.

The protests began peacefully, but soon took a comical turn when one 'toon launched a lemon meringue pie at Yosemite Sam. Soon, cartoon pistols were fired and giant mallets were drawn. Onlookers described the scene as "horrific, yet funny".

"It all started out so calmly," said Snow White. "We held hands and marched through Toontown together singing 'We Shall Overcome'." The pale princess went on to describe the feeling of unity that ran through the crowd.

It didn't last long.

"A shot was fired, something happened, I don't know," stammered a shell-shocked Spongebob Squarepants, "It was all a blur. Then someone started playing the Th-Th-That's All Folks song--you know, the famous Looney Tunes theme. Once we heard that, I'm sure you can guess what happened. Everything went straight to hell."

"Of course you know this means war," said a battered Daffy Duck.

News helicopters have been unable to effectively track the chaos as a large cartoon "flight cloud" has completely covered Toontown, from which fly stars, oversized fists, and words like "BOINK!", "BIFF!", and "KAPOW!" One helicopter was forced to make an emergency landing after being grazed by a particularly powerful "AH-WOO-GAA!"

"We're furious," said Felix the Cat, who has been taken into custody for intentionally dropping banana peels on busy thoroughfares. "We demand to be taken seriously."

"We're especially angry with Mexico," said Dumbo's Mom. "They have no respect for American copyright laws and put completely unlicensed murals of us on all their buildings for the whole world to see. It's a mockery of free speech."

When asked if she had ever seen a mural of herself, Dumbo's Mom accused our reporters of "missing the point" and led a mob of talking woodland creatures in "Death to America" and "Death to Bush".

Many humans fail to see the purpose behind the riots and are calling for their immediate end.

"This is stupid," said Nimber O'Werner, an anti-protestor in the cartoon protests. "When they said there was another cartoon riot going on, besides the idiotic ones in the Middle East, I didn't realize they were being literal. This doesn't make any sense."

"We're cartoon characters," said Pocahontas in response to O'Werner's comments. "Tell that [expletive] we don't have to make sense."

Toontown hospitals have already reached their limit and have turned away even the cartoon elite, such as Warner Bros. well-known Bugs Bunny and pals.

"I was the only one of us to make it in," said Speedy Gonzales, a Mexican-American mouse. Mr. Gonzales suffers from a bent tail and a large pink knot on his head that stands about a foot tall. "I thought I was muerto for sure. I only hope the others are bueno."

Political leaders around the world have been unable to bring the violence to a halt, despite their best efforts. Many have already thrown in the towel, calling the riots "hilarious" and "side-splitting."

"We have no idea what they want," said Condoleezza Rice in an exclusive interview with the 42nd Floor. "They keep protesting but they aren't making any demands. It's unreal, like being in a--well, a cartoon."

Rice informed the 42nd Floor that she has tried to contact Scrooge McDuck, the financial muscle behind Toontown.

"He said, 'Don't mess with me, gerrill' in that thick Scottish brogue of his. Then his nephew, Donald, grabbed the phone and I couldn't understand a word from that point on. I heard gunshots and yelling--it reminded me of Saddam and his brothers--until a custard pie came through the receiver of my phone and hit me in the face. It was delicious, but the surprise attack left me feeling unsettled. If they can attack via phone-pie, who knows what else these 'Toons are capable of?"

Three city blocks of Toontown have already been completely and literally erased with a giant pencil eraser, leaving empty white space where buildings once stood. Earlier attempts to destroy buildings with sticks of ACME dynamite were abandoned after they consistently blew up too soon, leaving everyone in the vicinity black and charred, except for surprised, blinking eyes.

"We intend to show the world that we're serious this time," said Mr. Bluebird. "If it means wiping out Toontown and everyone in it, so be it."

"You guys are idiots!" raved Nimber O'Werner in response to Mr. Bluebird's comments early yesterday afternoon. "How does destroying your home prove anything other than you guys are all looney tunes?"

"Art reflects life," Mr. Bluebird added ominously. "And besides, I'm not a Looney. I'm a Disney character, you racist."

The 42nd Floor has it on good authority that many famous characters, including the Triplets of Belleville, the casts of Futurama and Ninja Turtles, and 97 of the one hundred and one dalmations have been evacuated. As always, the 42nd Floor's crack team of investigative reporters are in the thick of it and will keep you updated on the worsening situation in Toontown as news on the cartoon riots continues to develop.