A Word of Caution

Okay. It's over. Christmas came and we didn't get a Nintendo game. We got a bulk package of 8 Jumbo-Size (equal to 24 regular rolls!) Ultra Strong Charmin toilet paper instead.

I'm fine. We'll hold our heads high and move on. After all, that's why God invented birthdays.

That said...

I can abide a lot of things.

But if you want to talk trash about Sarah Palin...MY Sarah Palin...do so at your own peril.

I mean it. My ire is up and this s#it will get very real very quickly.

The Cachinnator is a good, hard working leader in Wackytown. The work he's done there has transformed the city. And he posed for a publicity photo without knowing his zipper was down.

My mother is a good, hard working leader in the Cackalakee state government. She fights every day to protect the poor people of her state. And she did a television interview without getting the chance to touch up her make-up first.

Sarah Palin tried to play nice with Katie Couric and walked away having said a couple of dumb things--oh yeah, and she doesn't think we should kill babies. Does that mean she's anti-intellectual?

Does this mean my mother is anti-pretty?

Or that the Cachinnator is anti-pants?

No. It means they're people. And if you spend two minutes with them, you know that they are GOOD people. They have worked very hard to do the right thing. When they speak, they speak with courage and conviction and with a desire to make their communities better places. You look at their character and know that they are the GOOD GUYS.

The Cachinnator has been smeared by people in his town who have accused him of being one of the "racist, rich Wackytown elite". My mother has been exposed to the same sort of blind hatred by ignorant people who think she's "inexperienced" and "overpaid" for the twelve hour days she works to protect her very attackers. Likewise, Sarah Palin has been blasted by people (friends included!) who think she's a dizzy airhead and the "anti-woman".

You may not agree with everything they've done. You may think they're fools. You may think they're stupid. You may think they have funny accents. Welcome to America. That's your right.

But it's also my right to say that if you should be so desirous as to imply that they are bad people, stupid people, ugly people, greedy people, pornographers or spin-masters, BE FOREWARNED--you will find yourself on the receiving end of a very, VERY pointy Fork.

Happy Times

I had to step out of the "office" for a little while yesterday.

The guys in the office are so ghetto, if you cut them gangsta rap comes out.

It got so bad at one point that I really and truly had to excuse myself.

Now, you have to understand, 42nd Floorers, I AM NOT RACIST! My siblings and I were raised with the assistance of a number of ethnic women who lived in our home and taught us that, yes, our skin may be different, but deep down, we're all still regular people.

But sometimes I wish I could use the N word every once in a while. I mean, geeze. THEY get to. I guess the reason I can't is because my ancestors never experienced discrimination. That makes sense.

Street fights (yes, as in this) came up as a topic of conversation. Someone asked me if I had ever been in a street fight. And after my declaration that "You don't F___ with the Fork", I made a 180 and assured them that, no, I had never been in a fight before, with or without hadoukens.

Vance, the 23 year old goth geek who thinks he knows EVERYTHING, found this impossible to believe.

"Fork, at some point in your life, you WILL be forced into a fight with someone on the street."

"No I won't," I said.

"Let me give you a scenario. You're on the subway, minding your own business, when a guy gets on who looks like he's really really pissed. It's really crowded and his feet bump against yours. He looks at you and shouts, 'WHY'D YOU KICK ME, KID?!' What do you do?"

"Uhh...I guess...if he's a big, angry guy, I'd diffuse this potential confrontation by just saying sorry and going back to my book."

"..............You would?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"What?"

"You mean...you wouldn't stand up and tell him that you didn't kick him and that he's an effing psycho who needs to calm down?"

"No. If I did that we'd probably get into a fight."


So that was Vance. Then there's Tom.

Tom is the energetic "idea" guy. He's the one who came from Atlanta two months ago to seek his fortune in the Big City.

Every day he tells us about these fabulous ideas he has to make a million dollars in six months. And most of his ideas, like opening a revolutionary **new** kind of store where you can get whatever you wanted printed on a t-shirt, have been done before or aren't very good.

Last night he was talking to us about how his friend and him came up with this character called Jesus in Santa Monica. The idea behind the character is that if Jesus came back today, he would be a fish out of water. Like when you go to Santa Monica.

....


You know, like, Jesus goes out with some friends to a diner and they skimp on the tip and leave in a hurry. Then the waitress comes by and screams at Jesus because it looks like HE skimped on the tip. And then Jesus says, "I forgive you" and makes the guys he was with throw up blood as punishment.


....



Yeah.


So he's upset because his friend and roommate has taken the idea and turned it into his film project for school. The roommate is even talking about taking the character further and trying to start some kind of franchise based on Jesus in Santa Monica.

Tom was really upset about this. Fights had ensued. Words were had. Their longtime friendship was on the rocks.

But the roommate stealing the idea wasn't his main concern.

"We've been friends for so long. And now we don't talk to each other. I don't even CARE about this stupid character anymore. I just want my friend back. But I feel like it's all changed now. That trust, that camaraderie, it's all gone. And I'm afraid we'll never get it back."

Touched by Tom's vulnerability, I decided there was no way his friend would be able to resist honesty like that.

"Well, Tom," I said, "Have you told your friend exactly that? I mean, JUST like how you're telling us right now?"

"Of course I did," Tom replied earnestly. "I went into his room and told him he was a total F_3$%ing a#$9hole and that I wasn't gonna put up with it anymore."


Right.

I Have a Dream

At some point in the process of rehearsing and running a show, I have the Actor's Nightmare.

The Actor's Nightmare is a little different for everybody. Sometimes the dream takes place at rehearsal for the show you're currently in. Sometimes you'll be on a Broadway stage on opening night in a show you've never heard of. Regardless of where you happen to find yourself, there's always one thing that remains the same:

You don't know your lines.

So there I was (in my dream) at the Everycity Jewish Community Center. I got up on stage at rehearsal and began to speak, only the words I knew I was supposed to be saying weren't anything like the like the lines I currently have. Once I realized I didn't know these new lines, I panicked. Lola Levenstein glared at me. Everyone glared at me. I was finished; done for.

Then I remembered something. "Wait! I know these lines!" I shouted. "I've done this show before! It's THOSE guys who don't know their lines!"

I suppose this dream was brought on by last night's rehearsal. Lola was trying to go over the big ensemble numbers but kept running into a little problem. You see, none of the ensemble is off-book. In fact, they're completely ON book. Their cues would come up, but instead of singing or delivering lines, they just stood there looking expectantly at Lola as if to say, "Whadda we do now?"

I kept seeing Waiting for Guffman in my head. You know. The scene where they're rehearsing "Stool Boom" and Lloyd gets up to quietly tell Corky that he thinks the show is in trouble.

There's a funny little song the ensemble sings called 'the Rumor'. It doesn't really advance the plot or anything, it's just a fun, peppy song to give the audience a break from all the drama.

Lola was getting frustrated. Not only did nobody know their stuff (no surprise there), but they delivered what little they did know with all the excitement of a three-toed sloth running on only eight hours of sleep.

"Get excited!" she shouted. "Come on! This is exciting for you! Nothing exciting ever happens in Annie-tevka! It's a rumor! It's gossip! You love gossip!"

"You're Jews!" I added.

Fortunately only one person heard that. Molly, the girl playing my love interest. Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open.

"Ooh...this isn't the place for that kind of humor, is it?"

"I can't believe you just said that."

For the record, 42nd Floorers, I am NOT a racist. Good grief, 65% of my acting career has been spent playing Jews. I love the Jews! I even celebrated Purim this week! Most of my best friends in life have been black! A Hispanic woman helped raise my siblings and me and became a surrogate grandmother to us! I find Japanese girls attractive! I saw Beloved four times!Segregation never! Integration now! Two, four, six, eight, TV's got to integrate!

I think race, like politics, religion, and funerals, is something we should all be able to laugh about. I may occasionally tweak the nose of conventional, politically-correct America and make a Polack joke every now and then, but you won't see me burning crosses in people's front yards or blowing up synagogues. No sir.

Unity. Brotherhood. Peace. Freedom. Love. That's what I stand for.

Still, Molly is a straight-laced suburban attorney who is perfectly happy filing papers and filling out reports all the live-long day. This is the first time she's ever set foot on a stage or been around irreverent and occasionally regretfully verbose "theatre people". Time to backpedal. And fast!

"I was just kidding! It just sounded like that was what she was going to say next. Y'know! 'You love gossip! You're Jewish!' Ha ha ha! I was just being silly! I didn't mean it! I love the Jewish people! I toured America in a show about the Holocaust with Anne Frank's stepsister for eight months! No! I'm serious! And the Purim cookies were sooo good the other night. Oh, and all my best friends have always been black! I just thought--y'know. This'll be funny! Like how last year all the kids were saying, 'Niggaplease'".

Her jaw hit the floor.

"Ooooohmygosh. That was a really bad example, wasn't it?"

There goes my bid for President.

Ask Nelson! 9/19/05

Dear Nelson,

You're a cat. How do you feel about the government spending millions of dollars rescuing animals from Katrina-ravaged New Orleans when it should be spending its money on saving caged babies? Should we save every stray dog and cat or just ones with collars? Where do you draw the line? They're acting like animals down there and making a bad situation worse. I think someone should do something.

-Cows R Yum, Columbia, SC


Dear Cows,

The callousness of your letter indicates to me that you have no idea what you're talking about. First, let me address that rather racist comment you made--just because an animal doesn't have a collar does not make it a stray. I suppose you think the elephants of the Serengeti are strays, don't you? For your information, just because an animal doesn't wear a diamond-studded collar, sleep all day in a cozy armchair and eat the finest of liverwurst out of a crystal goblet doesn't mean it's a stray. And as for their behavior during this moment of crisis, what do you expect? These cats and dogs have been driven to their most basic animal instincts; the instinct to eat, find comfortable places to sleep, and play with stuff like string and sticks. I know of several New Orleans cats who have been without air conditioning for days. I'm sure our dog cousins find themselves in a similar situation.

When Katrina struck, millions rushed to the aid of their fellow man--but who will save man's best friend?

It just goes to show that the government is set up to help cats and dogs (and the increasingly popular pot-bellied pigs and sugar gliders) as slowly as possible.

The government hates animals.

Nelson

Tragic. No cat should be this wet.

Zip-a-disk-doo-dah

So I haven't been able to update my website since my old computer crashed. My web pages are saved onto these zip disks (a drive for which Babbette, my new computer, doesn't have). So since work's been a little slow the past couple of days I figured I'd go to Best Buy, get a new zip drive and work on my web page at work.

Interestingly enough, when I asked the Best Buy Guy where their zip drives were, he laughed at me and told me that they haven't carried zip drives in over a year.

Where was I for all that? Since when did zip drives become antiques? Probably while I was on tour with Everycity Children's Theatre for eight months. You leave town for a few weeks and when you come back, the whole world has moved on without you. It's like coming back from the War. Now I know how they felt in "The Best Years of Our Lives".

So I admitted defeat and resolved myself to an evening of viewing a bootleg copy of Disney's most popular banned film, 'The Song of the South' (thanks sis and brother-in-law!) in honor of our friends in the South who aren't able to watch their favorite movie because of the hurricane.

Is it politically correct? Hell no. Is it the most racist movie ever? Not a chance! Any of these "modern comedies" you see in the movies today are way more offensive than this colorful collection of fables! Sure, there are a few moments when you think, "Whoa, Walt...careful..." but for the most part, I loved it! And there are some satisfactual performances in it, too. Hattie McDaniel (aka "Mammy" from 'Gone With the Wind') has a large (and sassy) part and the scene where white little Johnny takes Uncle Remus' hand and tells him, "You're my best friend in the whole wide world!" almost brought a tear to my eye!

But the most satisfactual thing about the film is its subtlety. I think you'd have to actually see it to know what I mean by that, but I'll just say that nobody ever tells little Johnny, "You can't spend time with Uncle Remus because he's a slave." I mean, you know it's an issue, but nobody talks about it. It's just sort of understood. They don't beat you over the head with it like they might if the movie was made today. Heck, the antagonists are these two little white bullies who work on the plantation along with the slaves. Meanwhile, Uncle Remus is depicted as a pillar of strength and home-spun wisdom. What's not to love?

I guess people had a problem with the fact that Uncle Remus is always so upbeat even though he's a slave. Hey, this ain't 'Beloved' folks (thank God).


The verdict? 'Song of the South' is actually a very mature film that deals with the race issue in a subtle but powerful way. It's one of my new favorite movies!

Cartoon Riots Turn Comical

42nd Floor Press
by Forky Fourchette

Toontown, California -- About 2,000 of the world's most beloved cartoon characters from Bosco to Mulan chanted "Death to America" and "Death to France" and "Death to Mexico" as they set cartoon fires to cartoon buildings, beginning what many are calling an all-out cartoon riot.

But these cartoons aren't laughing.

The protests began peacefully, but soon took a comical turn when one 'toon launched a lemon meringue pie at Yosemite Sam. Soon, cartoon pistols were fired and giant mallets were drawn. Onlookers described the scene as "horrific, yet funny".

"It all started out so calmly," said Snow White. "We held hands and marched through Toontown together singing 'We Shall Overcome'." The pale princess went on to describe the feeling of unity that ran through the crowd.

It didn't last long.

"A shot was fired, something happened, I don't know," stammered a shell-shocked Spongebob Squarepants, "It was all a blur. Then someone started playing the Th-Th-That's All Folks song--you know, the famous Looney Tunes theme. Once we heard that, I'm sure you can guess what happened. Everything went straight to hell."

"Of course you know this means war," said a battered Daffy Duck.

News helicopters have been unable to effectively track the chaos as a large cartoon "flight cloud" has completely covered Toontown, from which fly stars, oversized fists, and words like "BOINK!", "BIFF!", and "KAPOW!" One helicopter was forced to make an emergency landing after being grazed by a particularly powerful "AH-WOO-GAA!"

"We're furious," said Felix the Cat, who has been taken into custody for intentionally dropping banana peels on busy thoroughfares. "We demand to be taken seriously."

"We're especially angry with Mexico," said Dumbo's Mom. "They have no respect for American copyright laws and put completely unlicensed murals of us on all their buildings for the whole world to see. It's a mockery of free speech."

When asked if she had ever seen a mural of herself, Dumbo's Mom accused our reporters of "missing the point" and led a mob of talking woodland creatures in "Death to America" and "Death to Bush".

Many humans fail to see the purpose behind the riots and are calling for their immediate end.

"This is stupid," said Nimber O'Werner, an anti-protestor in the cartoon protests. "When they said there was another cartoon riot going on, besides the idiotic ones in the Middle East, I didn't realize they were being literal. This doesn't make any sense."

"We're cartoon characters," said Pocahontas in response to O'Werner's comments. "Tell that [expletive] we don't have to make sense."

Toontown hospitals have already reached their limit and have turned away even the cartoon elite, such as Warner Bros. well-known Bugs Bunny and pals.

"I was the only one of us to make it in," said Speedy Gonzales, a Mexican-American mouse. Mr. Gonzales suffers from a bent tail and a large pink knot on his head that stands about a foot tall. "I thought I was muerto for sure. I only hope the others are bueno."

Political leaders around the world have been unable to bring the violence to a halt, despite their best efforts. Many have already thrown in the towel, calling the riots "hilarious" and "side-splitting."

"We have no idea what they want," said Condoleezza Rice in an exclusive interview with the 42nd Floor. "They keep protesting but they aren't making any demands. It's unreal, like being in a--well, a cartoon."

Rice informed the 42nd Floor that she has tried to contact Scrooge McDuck, the financial muscle behind Toontown.

"He said, 'Don't mess with me, gerrill' in that thick Scottish brogue of his. Then his nephew, Donald, grabbed the phone and I couldn't understand a word from that point on. I heard gunshots and yelling--it reminded me of Saddam and his brothers--until a custard pie came through the receiver of my phone and hit me in the face. It was delicious, but the surprise attack left me feeling unsettled. If they can attack via phone-pie, who knows what else these 'Toons are capable of?"

Three city blocks of Toontown have already been completely and literally erased with a giant pencil eraser, leaving empty white space where buildings once stood. Earlier attempts to destroy buildings with sticks of ACME dynamite were abandoned after they consistently blew up too soon, leaving everyone in the vicinity black and charred, except for surprised, blinking eyes.

"We intend to show the world that we're serious this time," said Mr. Bluebird. "If it means wiping out Toontown and everyone in it, so be it."

"You guys are idiots!" raved Nimber O'Werner in response to Mr. Bluebird's comments early yesterday afternoon. "How does destroying your home prove anything other than you guys are all looney tunes?"

"Art reflects life," Mr. Bluebird added ominously. "And besides, I'm not a Looney. I'm a Disney character, you racist."

The 42nd Floor has it on good authority that many famous characters, including the Triplets of Belleville, the casts of Futurama and Ninja Turtles, and 97 of the one hundred and one dalmations have been evacuated. As always, the 42nd Floor's crack team of investigative reporters are in the thick of it and will keep you updated on the worsening situation in Toontown as news on the cartoon riots continues to develop.

Breaking News! Election '08

Mystery Candidate Enters Presidential Race
Spit-Spot Woman Blows Competition Away
by Fork deForque

WASHINGTON - With only a few days to go before Election Day, the war for the White House has become increasingly tense. But things are about to be shaken up considerably as a new, entirely unknown candidate has appeared in this, the 2008 election's eleventh hour, and literally blown all other candidates away.

"I was standing on the front lawn," says Mick McTavish, groundskeeper for the White House, "when there was a strong gust of wind from the east. I looked up, and there she was standing on the front steps with an umbrella and carpet bag. Can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I fear what's to happen has happened before."

According to McTavish, the mystery woman, who later introduced herself as Poppins, surveyed the exterior of the building and declared, "It's not exactly Buckingham palace, but it's clean." She then declared to astonished onlookers that she would be in charge of the country until the direction of the wind changed.

"This changes everything," Dale Sondergaard, political analyst, told reporters. "At first it seemed like Sarah Palin was Obama's biggest rival. But ever since this Poppins woman appeared on the scene, the most extraordinary things seem to have come over the White House."

While Obama has been criticized for acting like he's already won the election and preparing to take over the White House, Poppins has beat him to the punch and already moved in. The Bushes will be spending the rest of George W.'s term in a Motel 6.

But America wants to know. Who is this mystery candidate?

Poppins recently held a press conference in the Oval Office. When asked what party she belongs to, Poppins responded tartly, "There shall be no parties until this country is spic and span."

"She's practically perfect in every way," said George Spencer, political analyst. "Just as this election became gray and ordinary, Poppins made the sun shine bright."

But is Poppins the type of person Americans really want leading their country?

"We recently conducted a poll asking Americans what they wanted out of their next president," said Spencer. "Of traits most desired, 100% of Americans requested that, for the candidate who wants this choice position, the candidate must have a cheery disposition, rosy cheeks, no warts (I put that part in), play games--all sorts, take Americans on outings, give them treats, sing songs, bring sweets--the list goes on."

"This woman fits the bill in every category. I've never seen anything like it. These are issues that are very important to the American people right now. And she never smells of barley water."

There has been concern that this total unknown, who couldn't be farther removed from the Washington elite, will be able to handle the arduous job as President of the United States. Especially in light of her limited experience. While critics have attacked Sarah Palin for not having enough executive experience, previous to running for President the only job Poppins ever held was the position of nanny for a well-to-do British family at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.

"In every job that must be done," said Poppins in response to the question of why she has chosen to run for the Presidency, "there is an element of fun. You find the fun and, snap, the job's a game."

She accused the Obama campaign of making pie-crust promises to the American public. Easily made, easily broken.

Senator Obama, in his cavalier manner, brushed off the attack, saying, "Poppins is telling people she thinks this job is fun. She thinks it's all a game. What she's really doing is distracting voters from the things that matter to them like the economy. She's trying to cloud the issue with facts".

Later, however, he was overheard telling running mate Joe Biden, "We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."

Poppins immediately responded to the Senator by stating that Obama is "extremely stubborn and suspicious."

"I'd like to know where that hoity-toity you-know-what gets off saying things like that about my husband," said an enraged Michelle Obama, in a completely off-the-record interview. "This is the first time in my adult life I've been insulted by a housekeeper."

Poppins seemed somehow to know the attack was coming and no sooner had Michelle uttered those words than Michelle received an email from Poppins stating that Michelle is "rather inclined to giggle--doesn't put things away."

"The fact that she only has experience as a nanny totally works in her favor," said Liza Giordano, also a political analyst. "She's working class. She's understands the people. She's totally in touch with the issues facing Americans today. She understands family, she understands children, she's no-nonsense. We should cancel the election. America loves her. I love her. I won't let her go."

Some, however, are sceptical. Poppins recently sat down for an interview with Katie Couric.

The transcript of their short interview is as follows:

Couric: Poppins, we in the media insist that you tell us what magazines you read. As a nanny, you've probably spent all your time changing diapers and making beds. How do you stay informed on the events plaguing our once-great country?

Poppins: I will be asking the questions around here, Katherine. Don's slouch. Spit-spot. Close your mouth, please, we are not a codfish.

Couric: But you don't even have any references.

Poppins: I make it a point never to give references.

Poppins later announced that she was for the common people like "Bert the Chimney Sweep, Sidewalk Chalk Artist, or Whatever He Should Happen to Be Today".

"She's stealing all the thunder from Palin and Hillary and Obama. Put together," said Jerry Porter, reporter for Main Stream Media News Network. "It's impossible not to like her. We confronted her on rumors that she intends to redistribute wealth to creepy old bird ladies. She denied ever having said that even though we KNOW she's lying. But somehow, instead of being angry with her, everyone in the press conference was bewildered and delighted."

Even Ahmadinejad is powerless against Poppins' innumerable charms.

"At first, we in Iran laugh at 'the lady with the parrot umbrella'. She is weak nanny lady for babies. Then she appear on my doorstep and make me take medicine. But instead of tasting bad, it taste like baklava. Then Mary hold my hand, and I feel so grand.

"My heart start beating like big brass band. What is feeling?"

But in spite of her warm reception on the international stage, Poppins has been no stranger to scandal. While recent polls show her with a triple digit lead over Obama, the question of her place of birth has reared its head. Candidates running for President of the United States must be born in the United States. Poppins appears to have been born in either England or somewhere in the sky.

"That's a non-issue," said Sondergaard. "After all, everyone knows Obama was born in Kenya and he's still running."

William Moredumb of West Hollywood recently unveiled a highly controversial Halloween display on his front yard--with a mannequin dressed as Poppins hanging from the tail of a kite wrapped around its neck.

"I don't even really know who she is. Honestly, if I had to act like an adult for a second, I'd say she seems like a nice, hard-working person on all accounts. But she's not Obama, so I hate her and intend to disagree with every little thing she says and does. Like abortion. As a nanny, she probably loves children and doesn't want to allow us to abort them. She'll take away your right to choose. Yeah. Who does she think she is, telling us what we can do with our bodies? Does she think she's better than us?"

When asked to detail her abortion stance, Poppins explained that she never explains anything.

"I believe Mary Poppins is a potential threat to national security," said Donald Dissentor, Obama campaign co-supervisor. "She's a menace. And she's probably racist too. That carpet bag of hers. Have you seen the stuff she can fit in there? Hat racks, lamps, potted plants. How do we know she doesn't have a couple of nukes in there too?"

Senator Obama, in a recent rally at what used to be a swing state but is now 99% pro-Poppins said, "You can put lipstick on a talking, parrot-headed umbrella, but at the end of the day, it's still a talking...man, that's so cool. I'm sorry folks but that's friggin' awesome. Her umbrella talks."

But while Senator Obama has been clearly impressed with Poppins abilities and affects, that hasn't stopped his campaign from launching this ad about the "Poppins-ular" candidate which they hope will turn the tide.



The Poppins campaign has dismissed the ad as an example of the liberal media's attempt to demonize their candidate. The commercial has failed to make any noticeable dent in Poppins' almost magical lead.

For now, this election appears to be in the carpet bag. Poppins has changed the rules of the political game with her uncanny ability to set troubled Americans at ease, assuring them that practically perfect people never allow sentiment to cloud their reasoning.

"She's just what this country needs," said Nimber O'Werner, anti-protester. "She's incredible. She's more than incredible. She's supercalif--well. You know.

"No wonder that it's Mary that we love."