Happy New Year, folks!
It's finally here. New Year's Eve. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm not dreading it.
I hate New Year's.
But, as I just said, I'm not loathing it quite as much this year. Is it that Christmas was really simple and low-key and, consequently, didn't result in the usual "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER!" blues?
Could it be because, unlike last year, I feel as though New York is a little more like home? Like the many marvels and dreams-come-true are a little closer to my fingertips?
Or could it be because I traded my tabby cat for a ukulele?
Whatever the reason, don't forget to partake in the Forkish New Year's tradition of reading my favorite book of all time. Might I recommend this edition?
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Shopping for Mom
My mom doesn't like stuff.
I think she used to. Back when. But after taking it upon herself to deal with the estates of all our old relatives who pass away, she's come to this new way of thinking. It's just this: Stuff accumulates and clutters, and in the end, someone else has to throw it away for you.
But you still have to get her something for Christmas.
I may be in a counter-cultural mood right now, fully prepared to wish people a Merry Christmas all the way until January 6th, but my mom is a bit more efficient. Like that one customer who came into the store.
Customer: Oh no! I'll never get a Gii before Christmas!
Me: Well, just remember, Christmas begins on the 25th. It doesn't end until January 6th.
Customer: (beat) Yeah. I need it for the 25th.
My mom would probably say I don't need to get her anything. In fact, in addition, she'd also say that I qualify for Medicaid and food stamps.
But even though she says that, she doesn't mean it. The gift part, I mean. She does mean it when she comments on my lamentable financial situation. You have to get her something. You just have to. It's mom.
So I ask you, 42nd Floorers, what do you get for the woman who doesn't want anything but expects you to get her something?
I think she used to. Back when. But after taking it upon herself to deal with the estates of all our old relatives who pass away, she's come to this new way of thinking. It's just this: Stuff accumulates and clutters, and in the end, someone else has to throw it away for you.
But you still have to get her something for Christmas.
I may be in a counter-cultural mood right now, fully prepared to wish people a Merry Christmas all the way until January 6th, but my mom is a bit more efficient. Like that one customer who came into the store.
Customer: Oh no! I'll never get a Gii before Christmas!
Me: Well, just remember, Christmas begins on the 25th. It doesn't end until January 6th.
Customer: (beat) Yeah. I need it for the 25th.
My mom would probably say I don't need to get her anything. In fact, in addition, she'd also say that I qualify for Medicaid and food stamps.
But even though she says that, she doesn't mean it. The gift part, I mean. She does mean it when she comments on my lamentable financial situation. You have to get her something. You just have to. It's mom.
So I ask you, 42nd Floorers, what do you get for the woman who doesn't want anything but expects you to get her something?
Counter-Cultural
After my brief stint at NofriendoWorldLand this--er--Holiday, I've emerged, totally turned off to the whole American Christmas thing.
Here's the plain facts, folks: Christmas makes people into monsters. Folks say Christmas is magic for children? No. The anticipation of getting surprise presents is what's magic. No, folks, Christmas, as it stands right now, with its built-in obligation that you have to give people presents--the perfect present--is a total humbug.
I sound like a total Grinch, don't I?
But seriously, folks. Seriously. I don't see how anybody can work retail in the busiest high-tech toy store in Manhattan and not be a little changed by it.
"Well, those eBay people will have a Merry Christmas," said one upset mother who couldn't secure a GiiWhiz Machine Game for her kiddo.
Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm about to puke on your shoes.
I thought Christmas wasn't about toys. You should be able to have a merry Christmas with or without presents!
Still, I wouldn't mind getting that new ukulele...
Here's the plain facts, folks: Christmas makes people into monsters. Folks say Christmas is magic for children? No. The anticipation of getting surprise presents is what's magic. No, folks, Christmas, as it stands right now, with its built-in obligation that you have to give people presents--the perfect present--is a total humbug.
I sound like a total Grinch, don't I?
But seriously, folks. Seriously. I don't see how anybody can work retail in the busiest high-tech toy store in Manhattan and not be a little changed by it.
"Well, those eBay people will have a Merry Christmas," said one upset mother who couldn't secure a GiiWhiz Machine Game for her kiddo.
Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm about to puke on your shoes.
I thought Christmas wasn't about toys. You should be able to have a merry Christmas with or without presents!
Still, I wouldn't mind getting that new ukulele...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Merry Christmas from New York
On my way to the 14th Street station.
The C train pulls into 42nd street.
Some poor soul leaps from the platform onto the tracks in front of our train.
The reason I know this is because when the train stopped, the doors didn't open. Instead, we were stuck inside while the people on the platform screamed in horror or covered their mouths in disbelief, all staring at our train.
A large black family inside the train became hysterical and, thanks to their matron's knack at reading lips through the windows of the subway car doors, in a moment we all knew what had happened.
Carnage and chaos swirled around us as we all stood there, locked in our subway car, knowing that somewhere under our street-worn shoes, there was a mangled body.
Merry Christmas!
The C train pulls into 42nd street.
Some poor soul leaps from the platform onto the tracks in front of our train.
The reason I know this is because when the train stopped, the doors didn't open. Instead, we were stuck inside while the people on the platform screamed in horror or covered their mouths in disbelief, all staring at our train.
A large black family inside the train became hysterical and, thanks to their matron's knack at reading lips through the windows of the subway car doors, in a moment we all knew what had happened.
Carnage and chaos swirled around us as we all stood there, locked in our subway car, knowing that somewhere under our street-worn shoes, there was a mangled body.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Mele Kalikimaka
I hate Christmas.
No really. I do.
Something has GOT to be done about this.
For the second year in a row, I feel like Christmas is happening for everybody but me. Ain't got no tree. Ain't got no turkey. Ain't got no egg nog. Ain't got no stockin' or reindeer.
Whaddoo I got? I got a bunch of angry customers screaming at me for the Nofriendo Gii shortage.
"Why don't you just make more?"
"Why don't you just want it less?" I reply.
No really. I do.
Seriously, folks. There's nothing more awful than to see desperate parents clamoring for this thing. They glare at you, they yell at you, they tell you you're a loser and that's why you work at NofriendoWorldLand instead of doing something more important with your life.
No, I'm not kidding! They're awful!
It's time to get rid of presents for Christmas. I've got no money to buy stuff for people. Good grief. I just want to eat lots of delicious food, see my friends, and somehow, some way, see Nelson. Presents, schmesents. What I wouldn't give for a declawed cat!
Wait...does that count as a present?
No really. I do.
Something has GOT to be done about this.
For the second year in a row, I feel like Christmas is happening for everybody but me. Ain't got no tree. Ain't got no turkey. Ain't got no egg nog. Ain't got no stockin' or reindeer.
Whaddoo I got? I got a bunch of angry customers screaming at me for the Nofriendo Gii shortage.
"Why don't you just make more?"
"Why don't you just want it less?" I reply.
No really. I do.
Seriously, folks. There's nothing more awful than to see desperate parents clamoring for this thing. They glare at you, they yell at you, they tell you you're a loser and that's why you work at NofriendoWorldLand instead of doing something more important with your life.
No, I'm not kidding! They're awful!
It's time to get rid of presents for Christmas. I've got no money to buy stuff for people. Good grief. I just want to eat lots of delicious food, see my friends, and somehow, some way, see Nelson. Presents, schmesents. What I wouldn't give for a declawed cat!
Wait...does that count as a present?
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