Stage Combat 101

SO...


I'm in Stage Combat 101 on Sunday afternoon.


Our teachers are Mitch, the large, jolly Italian who usually runs the course, and Stanley, the young stud with big arms, radio announcer voice, and too-tall hair.


There are only four of us in the class. One level-headed girl from the midwest, one waifish, big-haired, loud-mouthed, insecure actress type, and Steve Urkel.


When it came time to do shoulder rolls, Steve asked in a voice so stereotypical you'd think he was just doing it to be funny, "Should I take my glasses off for this?"


The first thing we did was learn how to "push" the other actor. This amounted to Actor A taking his hands and quickly popping them on Actor B's so's to create the sound of being hit. It was Actor B's responsibility to "act" like they had just been hit.


After about a minute of being repeatedly slugged by Steve Urkel, I finally said, "I think you're doing it wrong."


Thirty minutes later came class No. 2, Stage Kombat.

Stage Kombat is the serious class for people looking to get their certification and is taught by slightly out-of-shape wannabe pirate-types, Jimmy T. and Wally P. The next eight Sundays is all about getting certified in unarmed combat.


Our first exercise was throwing a mime shotput at someone in the class. That person then had to react realistically to being hit by a ten pound metal cannonball.


Wilbur took the first mime shotput. Hit him right in the shoulder. He began screaming in pain before the invisible ball even made contact and immediately hit the ground, writhing in agony as make-believe blood gushed out of his make-believe shoulder from which protruded a make-believe bone. For what must've been a quite literal five minutes, we watched uncomfortably as he wriggled and yowled about on the floor in make-believe throes of burning barrels of pain.


Wally P. and Jimmy T. then observed that we were all looking uncomfortable--horrified at Wilbur's pain, yet too fascinated by the raw human emotion to look away...


I wanted to say, "Actually, I can't stop watching because I'm so embarrassed for him and, quite frankly, I sure as hell hope I don't have to pretend one of these stupid mime shotputs gets chucked at me."


The next shotput hit me in the ribs.


It's going to be a long eight weeks.

Sucks to have short arms