Retro

It's a new day in New York City!

That's mostly because it's not hot anymore. It's cool. Like, mid-seventies cool. Dig it?

I've got an audition today. I have to dress like a normal person and play with a rubix cube. Dig it?

And if I book it, I get $500! Well, they pay me $500. They don't just GIVE it to me. But they'll practically be giving it to me.

I think I'm going to go for "rumpled musician". I'll be wearing my East Village ensemble--you know the one. It's the one I bought at H&M and keep in a state of wrinkledness so it looks like I'm a poor schlub from Hell's Kitchen. Toss my ukulele over my shoulder and voila. Instant artist.

I'll be sure to wrinkle my brow if I suspect they want "tortured".

In other news, I finally paid off that HDTV I bought a year ago! Sweet! Good timing too, because I most certainly did NOT buy anything at the expo yesterday. I did NOT have someone help me build a custom PC and finance it at $66 a month with no interest for a year. Nope. Not me.

And since I DIDN'T buy a sweet new PC with all the coolest gaming bells and whistles, I WON'T need lots of gifts in the form of cold, hard cash and cheques for Christmas and my birthday.

And THAT, my friends, is my reason d'etre.

Full Plate

It's funny how much more you notice all the smokers in NYC when your allergies are acting up.

I'm not even kidding. It's like everyone here is a freakin' chimney! Even the babies!

(insert picture of adorable baby with cigarette and word bubble: "F--- you, motherf---er!")

Tomorrow I have a full day. I haven't had one of those in a while. And that's depressing. Especially since, after a recent phone call, I was reminded by a concerned friend that I live in New York City and could go to any number of museums or parks or anything to while away the hours with. I could buy a $30 pair of tap shoes and start taking tap lessons to add to the two stage combat and ukulele lessons I'm already taking.

I DO have a good excuse though. It's been a little hot and hazy this past week. Tomorrow is supposed to be about five degrees cooler with possible showers. That'll take care of "a little hot and hazy". At least, I hope it does.

So tomorrow I'm going to the gym, then I have a 1:00 ukulele lesson.

We're very excited about the ukulele lessons these days. Our current Forkish Songlist includes:

I Can't Give You Anything But Love
Tonight You Belong to Me
I'll See You in My Dreams
Ain't Misbehavin'
House of the Rising Sun
and
Love Me (made popular by Elvis)

Yeah, that's about all of them so far. I've got a new one coming my way tomorrow and then we're going to get started on Christmas songs. I have to start now so they'll sound REALLY good when I tote Ukulele Li'l to parties.

I know, I know. Everybody let out a collective groan and mutter something about being glad you're not going to have to endure listening to my plunka-plunking on Christmas Eve. Let's just say anything could be better than that out of tune violin that we had at the Christmas party last year.

ANYTHING.

And then after that, a buddy of mine scored free tickets to some dumb convention that a person like me would have ZERO interest in. Not even kidding. New York is so lame.

And then after that, it's back to the gym. We go twice a day now. Once for each bicep.

And we also use the royal we.

They Don't Have Maps

My mother is Grand Dowager Empress of THIS state?

Stage Combat 101

SO...


I'm in Stage Combat 101 on Sunday afternoon.


Our teachers are Mitch, the large, jolly Italian who usually runs the course, and Stanley, the young stud with big arms, radio announcer voice, and too-tall hair.


There are only four of us in the class. One level-headed girl from the midwest, one waifish, big-haired, loud-mouthed, insecure actress type, and Steve Urkel.


When it came time to do shoulder rolls, Steve asked in a voice so stereotypical you'd think he was just doing it to be funny, "Should I take my glasses off for this?"


The first thing we did was learn how to "push" the other actor. This amounted to Actor A taking his hands and quickly popping them on Actor B's so's to create the sound of being hit. It was Actor B's responsibility to "act" like they had just been hit.


After about a minute of being repeatedly slugged by Steve Urkel, I finally said, "I think you're doing it wrong."


Thirty minutes later came class No. 2, Stage Kombat.

Stage Kombat is the serious class for people looking to get their certification and is taught by slightly out-of-shape wannabe pirate-types, Jimmy T. and Wally P. The next eight Sundays is all about getting certified in unarmed combat.


Our first exercise was throwing a mime shotput at someone in the class. That person then had to react realistically to being hit by a ten pound metal cannonball.


Wilbur took the first mime shotput. Hit him right in the shoulder. He began screaming in pain before the invisible ball even made contact and immediately hit the ground, writhing in agony as make-believe blood gushed out of his make-believe shoulder from which protruded a make-believe bone. For what must've been a quite literal five minutes, we watched uncomfortably as he wriggled and yowled about on the floor in make-believe throes of burning barrels of pain.


Wally P. and Jimmy T. then observed that we were all looking uncomfortable--horrified at Wilbur's pain, yet too fascinated by the raw human emotion to look away...


I wanted to say, "Actually, I can't stop watching because I'm so embarrassed for him and, quite frankly, I sure as hell hope I don't have to pretend one of these stupid mime shotputs gets chucked at me."


The next shotput hit me in the ribs.


It's going to be a long eight weeks.

Sucks to have short arms

Happy September 11th!

I thought about going out and buying a great big cake and decorating it with candles and having a good old time today! A real celebration! Today is cause to celebrate, after all. It's September 11th! And you all know what happened on September 11th, don't you? Of course you do!

Funny thing, everybody is being all emo and sad today. To make matters worse, it's even a dreary, rainy day! Everyone feels crummy.

But not me. I looked at my calendar today and kicked up my heels. So everyone else can go about with frowns on their faces, but not me! I won't let them get me down! I'll enjoy this great day the way all New Yorkers should! With a beer in one hand and a bunch of confetti in the other.

Happy One Year in NYC Anniversary to me!

I'm Back

Well, folks, it's true. I left New York for a week and went to Texas. Then I went to Virginia. Then I came back to New York and the next morning my lymph nodes were both swollen to the size of baby golf balls.

I want health insurance.