So I'm sitting at my desk on the 41st floor yesterday, minding my own business, working hard for my money, so hard for it, honey, when I see a familiar face.
Hello! Did you miss me?
Me: Oh no. Mary Baker Eddy, no! Not now! Not today! Not while I'm on the 41st Floor! It's not even lunchtime yet!
Amoeba: Like I care. I'm here to punish you.
Me: But why? What did I do to deserve these torments?
Amoeba: Oh, I think you know. Now hold still. This won't hurt a bit. Heh heh heh.
Me: No! No, dammit! Okay--think, Forky. THINK!
Amoeba: Enjoy thinking while you can. Soon I'll block all your synapses and receptors and you'll be lucky if you can say, "Mobiblu."
Me: Wait! But of course!
I ran to the minifridge...the one that I carefully stock with sodas every morning, noon, and evening. Since Eventual Practical Financial Services is such a nice place, these beverages are free. I remembered the advice passed along to me by Mr. Van Baker.
Amoeba: What are you doing??
Me: (chugging a Mountain Dew) I'm going to drown you in caffeine! While caffeine is a well-known trigger for migaines (along with cocker spaniels), it's also a little-known fact that when you GET a migraine, it's not only okay for you to drink lots of it--it's recommended! It relaxes the capillaries in the brain--the ones that you're trying to strangle!
Amoeba: Oh please! One little soda can't stop me. I'm a migraine amoeba! You're doomed! Doomed!
Me: Maybe not one...but how about...two? (chugs Mountain Dew No. 2)
Amoeba: Wait a minute...No...stop!
Me: Take THIS! (popping two Eventual Practical-supplied Excedrin Migraine pills and washing them down with Mountain Dew No. 3)
Amoeba: No! No! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! But I'll be back--and I'll be prepared next time! Just you wait!
And with that, the Demon Amoeba was snuffed out and sent back to the underworld from whence it came.
I felt like a mighty warrior. Like Samson. And since we have the same hair, that helped to complete my little delusion. Maybe I should try growing a beard...
8 comments:
Dude, grow a beard. I'm growing one, and it's fun!
Wow. I didn't know you could do that. Two Mountain Dews AND Excedrin? I bet you were shaking like Whitney Houston after two days off the smack.
THREE, A-Dub.
While I confess, I probably looked like some kind of latter-day, pill popping (insert favorite 'troubled' celebrity here), sprawled beneath the medicine cabinet with an empty bottle of pills in one hand and a volatile concoction of sugary, caffeinated sweetness in the other, would you believe that all that caffeine had NO affect on me?
I was afraid of pulling a "Very Special Saved By the Bell" after consuming all that (you know the one I'm talking about) but no! And last night I even slept like a lamb.
I think lambs sleep a lot.
I know housecats do. They need 16 hours of sleep a day, making them the sleepiest mammals on the planet.
"Mrs. Henderson Presents'...The Migraine Amoeba!!!! Maybe it was the lisp. It hung onto your brain for a full day before the lisp took over and invited the Amoeba for a party!!.
I think I'm going on the road as a caffine faith healer. I'll eject evil demon amoebas from the frontal lobes of the afflicted. I'll be Benny Hinn with soft drinks.
Will you wear a pink tutu and little angel wings?
He said faith healer, not tooth fairy! Besides, everybody knows faith healers wear toupees, shiny suits, and lots of rings.
Oh...I was thinking of Benny Hill.
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