Inventions of the Orient: Baby Mops

Baby Mops

*Make your children work for their keep

After the birth of a child there's always the temptation to say, "Yes, it's cute, but what can it do?" Until recently the answer was simply "lie there and cry", but now babies can be put on the payroll, so to speak, almost as soon as they're born.

Just dress your young one in Baby Mops and set him or her down on any hard wood or tile floor that needs cleaning. You may at first need to get things started by calling to the infant from across the room, but pretty soon they'll be doing it all by themselves.

There's no child exploitation involved. The kid is doing what he does best anyway: crawling. But with Baby Mops he's also learning responsibility and a healthy work ethic.

Year of the Dog

Time to offset the angst with a picture of a cute baby animal.

Did you know that a baby bat is called a pup?

Angst from Above

So it all starts when I'm hired by the 42nd floor to be a file clerk/receptionist for the 41st floor.

Then, as time goes by, I start getting loads of responsibilities that are nowhere NEAR the job I was hired to do. And I'm getting in trouble for making little mistakes with them. Okay. It's ruffled my feathers, getting in trouble for something I'm not even supposed to be doing in the first place, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm Eventual's beeotch. I'm okay with that.

Then Consuela, my supervisor, goes and gets herself pregnant while on her honeymoon. So now, on top of the job that I'm doing plus the jobs that I'm not really supposed to be doing...on top of all that, I'm being taught how to do Consuela's job (she's a six year executive level administrative assistant--I just hit my one-year anniversary working not only for Eventual, but for, well, ANYBODY). I think it's cute or flattering or whatever that they think I can do her job for three months, but in my cynical, whithered little heart, I know they're only having me to it because I'm cheap labor. Like some kind of illegal immigrant. I am not some migrant worker named Pablo!

THEN!! I'm in the middle of three different projects when suddenly I receive an email from Consuela telling me that I'm supposed to get with Jehovah's Witness Janet who's charge of shipping and retrieving all our offsite files and have her train me on how to do her job in the event she's out when someone needs something. The email concluded: "Let me know when you have decided on a date/time to meet with Janet."

Umm, how about after you give me a big, fat raise?

I may be a lot of things for Eventual, but I am not a prostitute.

Now I know the appropriate, rational, adult (read: schmuck) response is to prostrate myself before the corporate machine and pray every night that somebody notices all the different responsibilities I've taken on and pay me a few extra shillings for them. Yeah--I could totally see how that would be the right thing to do if I were in this for the long haul--pursuing an illustrious career as a receptionist who's also a file clerk/executive level administrative assistant/archives manager...

But I'm not in this for a career. I'm in this for the MONEY. And the view. And seeing as how not asking for money REALLY worked to my advantage after busting my butt to entertain the fatcats at the company Christmas party (see the sarcasm fairly dripping down the walls of my heart in a manner not unlike the blood in Amityville) it seems to me that not paying me for all these added responsibilities wouldn't be out of character for them.

I've got the rage. It's a good thing I'm not behind the wheel right now.

Benny Hinn

While we're on the subject of caffeine faith-healers, someone emailed me this little list of wacky advice that I just HAD to share with everyone. I've tried some of them and they really work! Isn't the human body BIZARRE? And you don't even need a faith-healer to do them!

The List (not written by me):

1. If your throat tickles, scratch your ear.

When you were 9, playing your armpit was a cool trick. Now, as an adult, you can still appreciate a good body-based feat, but you're more discriminating. Take that tickle in your throat; it's not worth gagging over. Here's a better way to scratch your itch: "When the nerves in the ear are stimulated, it creates a reflex in the throat that can cause a muscle spasm," says Scott Schaffer, M.D., president of an ear, nose and throat specialty center in Gibbsboro, New Jersey. "This spasm relieves the tickle."

2. Experience supersonic hearing!

If you're stuck chatting up a mumbler at a cocktail party, lean in with your right ear. It's better than your left at following the rapid rhythms of speech, according to researchers at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine. If, on the other hand, you're trying to identify that song playing softly in the elevator, turn your left ear toward the sound. The left ear is better at picking up music tones.

3. Overcome your most primal urge!

Need to pee? No bathroom nearby? Fantasize about Jessica Simpson. Thinking about sex preoccupies your brain, so you won't feel as much discomfort, says Larry Lipshultz, M.D., chief of male reproductive medicine at the Baylor College of Medicine. For best results, try Simpson's "These Boots Are Made for Walking" video.

4. Feel no pain!

German researchers have discovered that coughing during an injection can lessen the pain of the needle stick. According to Taras Usichenko, author of a study on the phenomenon, the trick causes a sudden, temporary rise in pressure in the chest and spinal canal, inhibiting the pain-conducting structures of the spinal cord.

5. Clear your stuffed nose!

Forget Sudafed. An easier, quicker, and cheaper way to relieve sinus pressure is by alternately thrusting your tongue against the roof of your mouth, then pressing between your eyebrows with one finger. This causes the vomer bone, which runs through the nasal passages to the mouth, to rock back and forth, says Lisa DeStefano, D.O., an assistant professor at the Michigan State University college of osteopathic medicine. The motion loosens congestion; after 20 seconds, you'll feel your sinuses start to drain.

6. Fight fire without water!

Worried those wings will repeat on you tonight? "Sleep on your left side," says Anthony A. Star-poli, M.D., a New York City gastroenterologist and assistant professor of medicine at New York Medical College. Studies have shown that patients who sleep on their left sides are less likely to suffer from acid reflux. The esophagus and stomach connect at an angle. When you sleep on your right, the stomach is higher than the esophagus, allowing food and stomach acid to slide up your throat. When you're on your left, the stomach is lower than the esophagus, so gravity's in your favor.

7. Cure your toothache without opening your mouth!

Just rub ice on the back of your hand, on the V-shaped webbed area between your thumb and index finger. A Canadian study found that this technique reduces toothache pain by as much as 50 percent compared with using no ice. The nerve pathways at the base of that V stimulate an area of the brain that blocks pain signals from the face and hands.

8. Make burns disappear!

When you accidentally singe your finger on the stove, clean the skin and apply light pressure with the finger pads of your unmarred hand. Ice will relieve your pain more quickly, Dr. DeStefano says, but since the natural method brings the burned skin back to a normal temperature, the skin is less likely to blister.

9. Stop the world from spinning!

One too many drinks left you dizzy? Put your hand on something stable. The part of your ear responsible for balance-the cupula-floats in a fluid of the same density as blood. "As alcohol dilutes blood in the cupula, the cupula becomes less dense and rises," says Dr. Schaffer. This confuses your brain. The tactile input from a stable object gives the brain a second opinion, and you feel more in balance. Because the nerves in the hand are so sensitive, this works better than the conventional foot-on-the-floor wisdom.

10. Unstitch your side!

If you're like most people, when you run, you exhale as your right foot hits the ground. This puts downward pressure on your liver (which lives on your right side), which then tugs at the diaphragm and creates a side stitch, according to The Doctors Book of Home Remedies for Men. The fix: Exhale as your left foot strikes the ground.

11. Stanch blood with a single finger!

Pinching your nose and leaning back is a great way to stop a nosebleed-if you don't mind choking on your own O positive. A more civil approach: Put some cotton on your upper gums-just behind that small dent below your nose-and press against it, hard. "Most bleeds come from the front of the septum, the cartilage wall that divides the nose," says Peter Desmarais, M.D., an ear, nose, and throat specialist at Entabeni Hospital, in Durban, South Africa. "Pressing here helps stop them."

12. Make your heart stand still!

Trying to quell first-date jitters? Blow on your thumb. The vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing, says Ben Abo, an emergency medical-services specialist at the University of Pittsburgh. It'll get your heart rate back to normal.

13. Thaw your brain!

Too much Chipwich too fast will freeze the brains of lesser men. As for you, press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much as you can. "Since the nerves in the roof of your mouth get extremely cold, your body thinks your brain is freezing, too," says Abo. "In compensating, it overheats, causing an ice-cream headache." The more pressure you apply to the roof of your mouth, the faster your headache will subside.

14. Prevent near-sightedness!

Poor distance vision is rarely caused by genetics, says Anne Barber, O.D., an optometrist in Tacoma, Washington. "It's usually caused by near-point stress." In other words, staring at your computer screen for too long. So flex your way to 20/20 vision. Every few hours during the day, close your eyes, tense your body, take a deep breath, and, after a few seconds, release your breath and muscles at the same time. Tightening and releasing muscles such as the biceps and glutes can trick involuntary muscles-like the eyes-into relaxing as well.

15. Wake the dead!

If your hand falls asleep while you're driving or sitting in an odd position, rock your head from side to side. It'll painlessly banish your pins and needles in less than a minute, says Dr. DeStefano. A tingly hand or arm is often the result of compression in the bundle of nerves in your neck; loosening your neck muscles releases the pressure. Compressed nerves lower in the body govern the feet, so don't let your sleeping dogs lie. Stand up and walk around.

16. Impress your friends!

Next time you're at a party, try this trick: Have a person hold one arm straight out to the side, palm down, and instruct him to maintain this position. Then place two fingers on his wrist and push down. He'll resist. Now have him put one foot on a surface that's a half inch higher (a few magazines) and repeat. This time his arm will cave like the French. By misaligning his hips, you've offset his spine, says Rachel Cosgrove, C.S.C.S., co-owner of Results Fitness, in Santa Clarita, California. Your brain senses that the spine is vulnerable, so it shuts down the body's ability to resist.

17. Breathe underwater!

If you're dying to retrieve that quarter from the bottom of the pool, take several short breaths first-essentially, hyperventilate. When you're underwater, it's not a lack of oxygen that makes you desperate for a breath; it's the buildup of carbon dioxide, which makes your blood acidic, which signals your brain that somethin' ain't right. "When you hyperventilate, the influx of oxygen lowers blood acidity," says Jonathan Armbruster, Ph.D., an associate professor of biology at Auburn University. "This tricks your brain into thinking it has more oxygen." It'll buy you up to 10 seconds.

18. Read minds!

Your own! "If you're giving a speech the next day, review it before falling asleep," says Candi Heimgartner, an instructor of biological sciences at the University of Idaho. Since most memory consolidation happens during sleep, anything you read right before bed is more likely to be encoded as long-term memory.

3rd

If this is any indication as to how the rest of 2006 is gonna go, then stop the world--I wanna get off!

So I'm sitting at my desk on the 41st floor yesterday, minding my own business, working hard for my money, so hard for it, honey, when I see a familiar face.

Hello! Did you miss me?

Me: Oh no. Mary Baker Eddy, no! Not now! Not today! Not while I'm on the 41st Floor! It's not even lunchtime yet!

Amoeba: Like I care. I'm here to punish you.

Me: But why? What did I do to deserve these torments?

Amoeba: Oh, I think you know. Now hold still. This won't hurt a bit. Heh heh heh.

Me: No! No, dammit! Okay--think, Forky. THINK!

Amoeba: Enjoy thinking while you can. Soon I'll block all your synapses and receptors and you'll be lucky if you can say, "Mobiblu."

Me: Wait! But of course!

I ran to the minifridge...the one that I carefully stock with sodas every morning, noon, and evening. Since Eventual Practical Financial Services is such a nice place, these beverages are free. I remembered the advice passed along to me by Mr. Van Baker.

Amoeba: What are you doing??

Me: (chugging a Mountain Dew) I'm going to drown you in caffeine! While caffeine is a well-known trigger for migaines (along with cocker spaniels), it's also a little-known fact that when you GET a migraine, it's not only okay for you to drink lots of it--it's recommended! It relaxes the capillaries in the brain--the ones that you're trying to strangle!

Amoeba: Oh please! One little soda can't stop me. I'm a migraine amoeba! You're doomed! Doomed!

Me: Maybe not one...but how about...two? (chugs Mountain Dew No. 2)

Amoeba: Wait a minute...No...stop!

Me: Take THIS! (popping two Eventual Practical-supplied Excedrin Migraine pills and washing them down with Mountain Dew No. 3)

Amoeba: No! No! You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! But I'll be back--and I'll be prepared next time! Just you wait!

And with that, the Demon Amoeba was snuffed out and sent back to the underworld from whence it came.

I felt like a mighty warrior. Like Samson. And since we have the same hair, that helped to complete my little delusion. Maybe I should try growing a beard...

TECHNICAL WRITING SAMPLE

Congratulations on your purchase of the Fony High Definition Satellite Liquid Television. Before you begin the setup procedures, take a moment to acquaint yourself with the features included with your new television. Also, pause to consider how much money you just spent on a TV while living in a poverty-stricken, war-torn world. A TV. For real. Say a little prayer of thanks that you live here in America, the land where comfort and opportunity are taken for granted.

Carefully remove the Fony High Definition Satellite Liquid Television from its Styrofoam packaging (which will sit in a landfill until after your grandchildren have been buried by their children). In selecting a place for your television, be sure that there is plenty of room for ventilation as the television can overheat without proper air flow. It sounds like I’m talking about a living creature, huh? Like a child maybe. You know, with the money you blew on this thing, you could have adopted a child from China that will be sold into a torturous life in the Chinese circus and be forced by her cruel employer, Stromboli, to play only the sleaziest theme parks and Vegas hotels for mere pennies a day.

Plug the male end of the power cord into the female end of the power outlet. If you have any adolescent children nearby, now would be a great time for an object lesson in “the birds and the bees”. I mean, heck. In this modern age, there’s a good chance you aren’t telling Little Suzy something she hasn’t already learned by watching—oh—wait—television.

Your HDSLTV also comes equipped with internet capabilities. Simply remove the USB cable (item #2) from its packaging and plug the male ends into the female ends of port #4 (see diagram if you can’t figure this out (and if you can’t you don’t have any business owning this thing—this is the 21st century, George Jetson!)) and any port on your PC. Et voila. You've now got, like, the biggest computer monitor in the world.

Please don’t misunderstand this manual, folks. I know it sounds like I’m all angst-y and sarcastic (my new years resolution was to tone down the sarcasm--I think I'm failing), but in truth, I’m just green with envy. I’d like to have one of these TVs. Instead, I’m stuck writing the manual telling you how to operate this wonderful piece of technology that my poor arms will never hold. What am I doing here? There are so many other things I could be doing with my life. I’m going to let someone else finish this. Good luck setting up your HDSLTV. Hope it doesn’t break on you.

I'm going to write something about magic wishing bears instead.

Demon Amoeba!

Hello! I'm here to give you a migraine!

Now With 55% More Migrain!

Sorry for the dearth of posts lately. You see, I made a trip to Tinytown this weekend (in observance of Martin Luther Junior Day, naturalment) and, during my brief stay, was exposed to a a pair of cocker spaniel puppies.

Now I know that cocker spaniels are bad. I know they are neurotic and have fantastically poor bladder control. I know that, as they age, their inner ear becomes calcified and must be removed before it spreads to their little doggie brains. Heck, I even know they defied evolution and only exist because some veterinarian Frankenstein thought it would be fun to blend together a monster hound that, like kudzu, people would see and initially think, "How pretty", allowing them to thrive until it was too late.

But how could I know that cocker spaniels are also well-known triggers for migraine headaches?

Maybe I'm being too hard on those puppies. After all, they sure were cute (but then, so was Lucifer--and we ALL know what happened there). So whether it was the fault of the puppies or the flashing police lights or the stress from the long drive--duddin' matter. Point is, I had my first migraine headache in months and months.

What? You've never had a migraine? Well, you've come to the right place, because, in typical 42nd Floor fashion, I'm about to tell you about them.

Migraine headaches are a lot like snowflakes: Nobody really knows where they come from and no two migraines are quite the same. So since I'm only one person and I've only experienced the headaches that I've had, the best I can do to help you understand what they're like is to personally describe what happens to me. Personally.

You only get migraines when you really wouldn't want to have one. Your birthday party? You'll get one. The swordfight scene in Hamlet and you're playing Laertes? Count on it. Meeting the Queen? Indubitably.

And you know you're getting one because you'll be bopping along with a smile on your face, talking to your friends about how swell life is, and suddenly you can't see their face anymore. You look somewhere else, let's say at their portrait of dogs playing poker. You try to focus on the bulldog slipping cards to the dachshund under the table (that ol' cheat!)...but you can't see him. A ripple of panic runs up your spine.

This is the point where you can either say nothing and start praying, or you can spoil everybody's fun by saying, as I do, "CRAP! I'm getting a migraine!"

At this point, you have a narrow window of ten to fifteen minutes before the fun REALLY starts. It's kind of like being executed, only the governor never calls. If you have anything to say to anybody, say it now. If you have any medication, take it now. At this point the blind spot begins flashing in bright colors and spreads over your field of vision like some sort of amoeba from hell. Your stomach gets a little queasy and the place directly behind your right eye begins to throb as if the migraine is knocking on the door to your brain, saying, "I'm heeeeeeeeere!"

Do you remember 'the Exorcist'? You know how all kinds of different things happened to Linda Blair? How you were never quite sure what was going to happen to her next, but you knew that, since she was possessed by the devil, it wasn't gonna be good?

The pain. The pain. L. Ron Hubbard, the pain! You thrash about in your bed in utter agony, smacking your temples and wishing you owned a gun or a big cartoon mallet so you could make a hole in your skull and release the pressure that seems to be building up inside your brains.

At this point, the demonic amoeba is out of control. Sometimes it'll be little, sometimes it'll be huge, sometimes it'll be over your right eye, sometimes over your left. If you're lucky, you'll be able to talk. But that depends entirely on how sincere you were in the bargaining you've been doing with God since the headache began.

Let's say you want to say something. Something like, "I want to die." You'll know that you want to say it, but in the process of your brain selecting the words to communicate this idea, something breaks down and instead of saying "I want to die," you'll probably say something along the lines of "Zoo when the fuuhh."

It's like Alzheimer's. Only not fun.

Then you'll feel half of your face go numb. Then your arm goes numb. Then half of your body goes numb. Feels really weird. Then the numbness moves to the middle of your body, then to the other side. Then it goes away. Then your head rotates 360 degrees.

If you've made it this far without killing yourself, hang on! You're almost there!

Here's where you go into the bathroom because you think you're going to throw up from all the pain and all the weird numbness and demonic amoebas. You lie on the floor and feel a little better--

( There's just something about lying on bathroom floors, isn't there?

Guy: Doc, I've tried everything! I've taken the medicine like you told me but nothing seems to help!

Doctor: Did you lie on the bathroom floor?

Guy: Well...No...

Doctor: Why don't you go home and lie on the bathroom floor for a while, then tell me if the cancer is still bothering you. )

--before the urge to purge seizes you again and you sit up quickly--ooh, bad move. At this point your brain is so swollen from all the blood vessels spazzing out that the slightest move of your head will send you screaming in pain. In other words, DON'T SNEEZE.

The only way to finally shake one of these things is to go to sleep. And YOU try sleeping when just HEARING things makes you want to throw up.

Of course, this is a worst-case scenario. Pour moi, anyway. Doesn't that sound awful? When I was a kid I read somewhere that Paul's "thorn in the flesh" that God wouldn't take away had something to do with migraine headaches. I believed it! Then they found that new Rosetta stone and discovered that it wasn't migraines; he was gay. But still!--sucks to be him!

So since I had two of these bad-boys in as many days (thereby RUINING my Martin Luther Junior Day!), and my peripheral vision was only running at about 80% yesterday morning, I decided to take the day off and spent most of it in bed.

What?! But you already took three days off for Forko's wedding! And now you took ANOTHER? You just used up a huge chunk of your PTO! And it's only January!

Meh, who cares? It's not like I'm going to be here all year anyway.

Oh really? Where ARE you going to be?

I don't know. But I can't stay on the 42nd Floor forever. There are any number of things I could do.

Such as...?

Next: Forky Becomes a Technical Writer

Koo Koo Clocks, Part II

Once upon a time, in the distant country of Scartovania, there lived a proud and strong-willed woman named Babriella. Babriella was so proud and strong-willed that no man from her village would dare approach her for her hand.

Babriella was also very lovely. It wasn't long before princes from kingdoms near and far heard of an incredible beauty that no man could tame. Overcome with pride, these royals would make grand excursions to the home of Babriella, only to return to their palaces in shame, covered with bruises from where her knuckles had met their tender skin.

One day, Babriella was walking through the forest when she met a bear.

"Hullo," said the bear.

"Harumph!" said Babriella. She was too high and mighty even to speak to the woodland creatures.

"Please miss," said the bear, "I am so very hungry. Won't you share some of your lunch with me? If you do I'll grant you three wishes, for you see, I am a magic bear."

"A magic bear? I've never heard of such a thing," said Babriella, astonished.

"Of course not," the bear replied, "Because I'm the only one of my kind."

Babriella opened her pack and handed some bread and cheese to the magic bear, which he ate most hungrily.

"Thank you," the bear rumbled, licking the crumbs from his lips. "Because of your kindness, I now bestow upon you three wishes. If at any point you'd like to use one, simply say the words, 'I wish' followed by what you'd like to wish for. But beware, for the magic is strong. Once you make your wish it cannot be undone." And with that, the bear trotted off into the wood.

Babriella was astonished by this encounter and quickly ran home to ponder over what had just happened.

"I don't feel any different from this morning when I got out of bed," she mused. "I should think that, with three wishes at my disposal, I should feel a little different. Suppose the bear was just playing a trick on me to get at my food? Still, he might have been telling the truth. I had better think carefully about what I want to wish for."

Babriella thought long and hard for, even though she suspected the bear of being a liar, with only three wishes, she certainly didn't want to waste any of them.

Finally, Babriella knew what her first wish would be.

"I wish," she said slowly, "I wish to be Queen of all Scartovania--to be wealthy beyond measure and be the envy of all the kingdoms of the world!"

In a flash, her wish was granted. Her rags melted away and became embroidered robes of such quality that only the very wealthiest of nobles could even imagine touching. Her tiny cottage became a palace with a thousand rooms, each one so beautiful that a hundred artisans working for a hundred years could not hope to construct something to rival it. And the servants! Handsome servants stood at every door, eagerly awaiting the demands of their new Queen.

In no time at all, the word had spread about the mighty, beautiful, and proud Queen Babriella.

Over the years, she led her kingdom into a golden age. Food was plentiful, peace abounded, the royal storehouses were filled with mountains of gold and glittering jewels, and, most of all, Babriella had never been happier. It was at this time, when it seemed there could be no end to her happiness, that Babriella made her second wish.

"I wish," she said slowly, "I wish that I could have a my old cottage again, but much smaller so I can carry it with me wherever I go. When I look at it, I'll remember that, no matter how wealthy and powerful I become, I was once a poor girl from a humble dwelling. And on the tiny cottage, I'd like there to be the face of a clock to serve as a reminder of the hard times that have passed and the good times that are to come."

No sooner had she finished uttering those words than a tiny replica of her old cottage appeared in her gloved hand. Everything was the way she remembered it, only smaller--the stain on the door, the crack on the window, the hole in the roof. And above the door were the hands of a clock that tik-tik-tiked in a most soothing way.

At that very moment, the doors of the throne room burst open and the Duke fell at Babriella's feet.

"Your majesty! Your majesty! Horrors! Oh, help!"

"Rise, my subject, and tell me what troubles weigh upon you."

"Oh, your majesty," wailed the Duke, "There is an uprising in the kingdom! Heretics! Hundreds of heretics have been discovered within our very borders! If something is not done and this insurgence is allowed to flourish, all of Scartovania is doomed!"

"Are the heretics very dangerous?" the Queen inquired.

"Oh, the most dangerous kind. I barely escaped with my head. You must act swiftly and harshly before ruin comes to us all!"

That very day Queen Babriella signed a decree stating that any and all heretics were to be found and burned at the stake. Scartovania soon found itself in the vice-grip of fear as plumes of black, foul-smelling smoke rose from its streets both day and night. Neighbors turned upon neighbor. Accusations and rumors spread like a poison. The kingdom became a mere shadow of its once-happy self.

The people looked to their Queen.

But Queen Babriella didn't know what to do. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, and instead of sitting on her throne, she only paced back and forth, wishing she knew what was the right thing to do.

Then she remembered she had one more wish.

"I wish," she said slowly, "I wish that I had an adviser who would always tell me the right thing to do. But I do not wish my subjects to know that I need assistance from anyone--" (she was as proud as ever, you see) "--so make my adviser very small. No bigger than a bird. And let it speak in a tongue that only I will be able to understand."

At once, a tiny bird appeared on her shoulder.

"Thank goodness!" said the Queen. "Now, little bird, I beseech you, tell me what I should do."

"Don't talk to me!" came the reply.

"What? But that's not why I called you. You are to give me advice, not speak to me in such a disrespectful manner."

"Don't talk to me!" the bird insisted.

"Have you any idea who you're talking to? I am the Queen of all Scartovania!"

"Don't talk to me!"

"The devil take you! I summoned you here. You are my most trusted advisor and I demand you tell me what you know!"

"The Queen is a witch!" shouted a voice.

The Queen looked up and found that she was not alone. Indeed, many villagers had entered the palace by force and had come upon Babriella talking to the little bird.

"Queen Babriella is a witch and a heretic! See! See! The little bird on her shoulder is her familiar, sent to her by her father the Devil! Seize her! Seize her! But do not look into her eyes lest she cast some foul enchantment on you!"

Babriella screamed and kicked, but it was no use. In a moment, the angry mob had fallen on her. They took her jeweled crown from her head, bound her, and loaded her into a cart which would take her to the pyre where she would be burned as a witch.

As for the little bird, it made its home in the tiny cottage. And every hour on the hour it would peek out and shout its plaintive cry--but because of Babriella's wish, you and I could never understand it. All we hear is "Koo koo! Koo koo!"

And that's where koo-koo clocks come from.

The End

Koo Koo Clocks, Part I

The History of the Koo-Koo Clock

Part I

"There's a sad sort of ringing from the clock in the hall
and the bell in the steeple too.
And up in the nursery an absurd little bird
is popping out to say...
koo koo."

These haunting opening lines from the world-famous song, "So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodnight" were first brought to America by the Von Trapp family as they fled Australia in World War II. While the tune was catchy and became a popular wartime hit, many Americans were left scratching their heads and asking, "What kind of bird goes 'Koo koo'?"

In these post-war days, many tourists have flocked to Germany to see what remains of the once-proud home of chocolates, goat-cheese, and Heidi. And upon their return, most of them bring a hand-crafted koo-koo clock.

A koo-koo clock is a simple device. It is a clock made of wood and when the time is just right, a koo-koo bird pops out and, as the song says, goes koo koo.

But why koo-koo clocks? In a country of such a proud heritage, why did Germany decide to put so much into marketing these timepieces, when many Americans have moved on to digital, satellite-powered wristwatches?

Perhaps the answer lies in the history of the koo-koo clock.

The koo-koo clock's origins date back to the Middle Ages when many heretics were being burned at the stake. Legend has it that Saint Bernard, the patron saint of dogs, would announce the death of a heretic by shaking a birdcage full of birds, thus causing them to go "koo koo" and sending a clear message of warning to the rabble in the streets below.

The sound of these "koo-koo" birds became so synonymus with "warning" and "danger" that it wasn't long before people fitted their carriages with birdcages. Whenever anybody tried to steal a carriage, the birds would make their famous sound, which alerted everyone nearby that a theft was occuring. Indeed, it can be said that the koo-koo clock was the precurser to today's useful car alarm, a device which successfully thwarts theives by making loud noises for all the world to hear, particularly during thunderstorms when loud crashes of thunder create a sound vaccuum for the thief to operate under without fear of detection.

But why was this sound, the sound of warning and destruction, applied to a clock?

The truth can be found in an old wives' tale about an Italian woman named Babriella.

continued...

The Greatest Gift

Hey! Want to give someone a great present? Go here and put their phone number on the national do not call registry! They'll thank you every time their phone doesn't ring! And it's good for five years!

Act now! Rumor has it that cell phone numbers are going to go out to telemarketers in a couple of days!

End it NOW!

After reading this [**potentially offensive adjective deleted**] article I got to thinking...

Why are Christians all trying to stop the end of the world from happening? I mean, let's think about this for a second. Do you know what will happen AFTER the end of the world? Everything'll be great! So what sense does it make to sound the alarms every time someone spots the number 666 somewhere? I say LET them make as many 666 micro spychips as they want!

You want to know what I think? I think the Antichrist is going to cook up some scheme that nobody will expect. Like coming from the Southern Baptist convention or something. I mean, that's what I'd do if I were the Antichrist. Just think, all these people have read the Left Behind books and they treat 'em like gospel. They're just waiting for those events to play out. So you've gotta be tricky and get 'em when and where they least expect it.

At least, that's what I'd do if I were the Antichrist.

Turkey

It looks like avian flu has finally reached Turkey's turkey population. That Turkish turkey in the above picture (Sick Turkeys in Turkey) looks like it's not feeling too well. I hope the good people of Turkey get their turkeys under control so Turkey's turkeys can sleep easy and Turkey doesn't have to worry about Turkey's turkey shortage come next November's Turkey Day! But since Turkey doesn't celebrate Turkey Day with a traditional roast turkey, the turkeys in Turkey probably have nothing to fear.

Except avian flu.

Rehearsal Day

I'm too busy to write anything today! I'm searching on Google for Best Man speeches.

Go here instead and post snappy comments!

Somebody's Getting Married...

That's right. The dearth of updates can only mean one thing: my brother Forko is marrying Belgian beauty, Waffelle. It all goes down this Saturday morning. I would post all kinds of strange and delicious stories about the craziness going on around the house, but there's a chance my family might actually read my blog. Just know that the house has been cleaned from top to bottom three times in the past two days and it WILL be cleaned (with bleach) again before the relatives arrive for the rehearsal dinner at our place tomorrow night.

It feels so nice not to be on the 42nd Floor. I may never go back...