Friday, April 28, 2006
Lazy
For those of you blah blah blah see something cool yadda yadda yaa Queen III's blog *yaaaawwwnnnn* blah blah blah impressive muu guu gai pan click here.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Simply Dreadful
If you haven't already been over to A-Dub's blog and read this...well...you really should. I could write all day and still not come up with something this funny AND wretched. Be sure to post your thoughts.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
The Easter Story (concluded)
Scene: the office. Corporate America at his usual place with Yes Man on the left and Idea Man’s empty chair on the right. Lackeys are seated around, etc. etc.
Lackey #1: C.A., have you read the papers? Easter Nimrod is wrecking havoc on the city!
Lackey #2: C.A., the reports are in! Sales of our Easter pork eggs are down 100%!
Lackey #3: C.A., a recent poll shows that Easter has become the most frightening holiday on the calendar. It’s that Easter Nimrod!
Lackey #4: We’ve got to do something! Nimrod is killing us!
Idea Man: (entering) Have no fear, gentlemen!
Corporate America: Where the crap have you been? It’s been almost a week!
Idea Man: Sorry, C.A. The boys and I have been trying to think up something to counteract the Easter Nimrod and I think we’ve finally got it. I give you…(removes drape from nearby figure)…the Easter Judas!
Corporate America: No, no, NO! No more crazy people!
Idea Man: But sir—
Corporate America: What does he do? Give good children pieces of silver and deliver bad ones over to be crucified?
Idea Man: Actually, just the opposite! Isn’t that a great twist?
Corporate America: No, no, no. It’s all wrong. Our Easter mascot can’t be some ancient warrior king or some back-stabbing turncoat. Did you read his gospel, by the way?
Idea Man: No, sir, I have no interest in early gnosti—
Corporate America: Great book. Changed my life. Praise Allah. No, what we need is something that appeals to families. To children of all ages.
(a crash from outside. Some unimportant building topples at the hands of Easter Nimrod)
Corporate America: Tell me about this Nimrod.
Lackey #2: No more Nimrod! He’s going to destroy the city!
Idea Man: Well, he was a hunter…according to myth he was really into architecture and was the one who built the Tower of Babel. His wife—
Corporate America: Waitaminute…he was a family man?
Idea Man: Yes. According to these ancient manuscripts, anyway. (pulls papyri out of his pocket and blows the dust off them) “And lo, Nimrod, the Great and Mighty, knew his wife, Ishtar, mother of all whores, and when her time came, she brought forth Tammuz, father of all heretics and Roman Catholics.”
Corporate America: Aha! So Nimrod had a kid! What was he into? Baseball? Football? We can sell that…
Idea Man: No, actually, Tammuz is featured prominently in the development of the Babylonian Mystery Cult and a number of pagan fertility orgies. And (reading) “to make his virility known before all the world, Tammuz became thus known far and wide for his use of fluffy bunnies in his pagan rites.”
Corporate America: Fluffy bunnies? That’s stra—(lightbulb). Waitaminute…did you say "fluffy bunnies”?
Idea Man: That’s right, sir. Fluffy bunnies.
Corporate America: Bunnies…bunnies…Do bunnies like chocolate?
Idea Man: Why, sir, everybody likes chocolate.
Corporate America: (to Yes Man) Do you like chocolate?
Yes Man: Oh, yes.
Corporate America: Tell me, do children like bunnies?
Idea Man: Oh, most definitely. Especially if they’re surprised by them. There’s nothing like being surprised by bunnies.
Corporate America: Surprised by bunnies, eh? Supposing…supposing we took one of these…pagan Tammuz orgy bunnies and made it three parts Santa Claus, four parts cuteness and springtime, six parts corporate greed and twelve parts chocolate…what would we have then?
Idea Man: (scribbles on a pad of paper for a moment, then stops breathlessly as the idea washes over him) Why…sir! Y-you’d have…
Lackeys: The Easter Bunny!
Corporate America: Bingo.
And that, my dear children, is how the Easter Bunny was born. As for the Easter Nimrod, well, he’s still out there making sure bad children get what’s coming to them. But, as Obi-Wan Kenobi might say, he's just bringing balance to the force. So when next Easter rolls around, be sure to buy as many Easter pork eggs as you can. That makes the Easter Bunny happy and keeps Easter Nimrod from hurting your family.
Lackey #1: C.A., have you read the papers? Easter Nimrod is wrecking havoc on the city!
Lackey #2: C.A., the reports are in! Sales of our Easter pork eggs are down 100%!
Lackey #3: C.A., a recent poll shows that Easter has become the most frightening holiday on the calendar. It’s that Easter Nimrod!
Lackey #4: We’ve got to do something! Nimrod is killing us!
Idea Man: (entering) Have no fear, gentlemen!
Corporate America: Where the crap have you been? It’s been almost a week!
Idea Man: Sorry, C.A. The boys and I have been trying to think up something to counteract the Easter Nimrod and I think we’ve finally got it. I give you…(removes drape from nearby figure)…the Easter Judas!
Corporate America: No, no, NO! No more crazy people!
Idea Man: But sir—
Corporate America: What does he do? Give good children pieces of silver and deliver bad ones over to be crucified?
Idea Man: Actually, just the opposite! Isn’t that a great twist?
Corporate America: No, no, no. It’s all wrong. Our Easter mascot can’t be some ancient warrior king or some back-stabbing turncoat. Did you read his gospel, by the way?
Idea Man: No, sir, I have no interest in early gnosti—
Corporate America: Great book. Changed my life. Praise Allah. No, what we need is something that appeals to families. To children of all ages.
(a crash from outside. Some unimportant building topples at the hands of Easter Nimrod)
Corporate America: Tell me about this Nimrod.
Lackey #2: No more Nimrod! He’s going to destroy the city!
Idea Man: Well, he was a hunter…according to myth he was really into architecture and was the one who built the Tower of Babel. His wife—
Corporate America: Waitaminute…he was a family man?
Idea Man: Yes. According to these ancient manuscripts, anyway. (pulls papyri out of his pocket and blows the dust off them) “And lo, Nimrod, the Great and Mighty, knew his wife, Ishtar, mother of all whores, and when her time came, she brought forth Tammuz, father of all heretics and Roman Catholics.”
Corporate America: Aha! So Nimrod had a kid! What was he into? Baseball? Football? We can sell that…
Idea Man: No, actually, Tammuz is featured prominently in the development of the Babylonian Mystery Cult and a number of pagan fertility orgies. And (reading) “to make his virility known before all the world, Tammuz became thus known far and wide for his use of fluffy bunnies in his pagan rites.”
Corporate America: Fluffy bunnies? That’s stra—(lightbulb). Waitaminute…did you say "fluffy bunnies”?
Idea Man: That’s right, sir. Fluffy bunnies.
Corporate America: Bunnies…bunnies…Do bunnies like chocolate?
Idea Man: Why, sir, everybody likes chocolate.
Corporate America: (to Yes Man) Do you like chocolate?
Yes Man: Oh, yes.
Corporate America: Tell me, do children like bunnies?
Idea Man: Oh, most definitely. Especially if they’re surprised by them. There’s nothing like being surprised by bunnies.
Corporate America: Surprised by bunnies, eh? Supposing…supposing we took one of these…pagan Tammuz orgy bunnies and made it three parts Santa Claus, four parts cuteness and springtime, six parts corporate greed and twelve parts chocolate…what would we have then?
Idea Man: (scribbles on a pad of paper for a moment, then stops breathlessly as the idea washes over him) Why…sir! Y-you’d have…
Lackeys: The Easter Bunny!
Corporate America: Bingo.
And that, my dear children, is how the Easter Bunny was born. As for the Easter Nimrod, well, he’s still out there making sure bad children get what’s coming to them. But, as Obi-Wan Kenobi might say, he's just bringing balance to the force. So when next Easter rolls around, be sure to buy as many Easter pork eggs as you can. That makes the Easter Bunny happy and keeps Easter Nimrod from hurting your family.
THE END...?
Friday, April 21, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Toil and Trouble
Last night, A-Dub and I made a trip to the Reservoir Theatre to see our friend Jenny in a local big-budget production of Arthur Miller's The Crucible. And big-buget it was! I've never seen such marvels in a local show before!
The acting wasn't too shabby either, although the lengthy second act suffered a bit from "too much, too soon". When four different actors tell the judge six different times that the girls are liars and he's been duped, it might be more interesting for the audience if you, the actor, begin your grovelling at, say, level 3 or 4 and WORK your way to level 10.
It didn't really help matters that, in my opinion anyway, the guy playing John Proctor reminded me a LOT of Keanu Reeves ("Witches...whoa..."). This trend of casting people because they're hot and can half-way deliver a line has got to stop. It might work in a one act, but when your show is six hours long, go with someone else.
What should be:
"He's a great actor! And, as an added bonus, he's really good-looking! Score!!"
becomes
"He's hot! And, as an added bonus, he can sorta act a little too! I hope I can score!!"
Tut, tut.
Still, in spite of Goody Keanu (I know, "Goody" means "Mrs." I just couldn't resist), the show was QUITE good. I don't know if it was the Everycity Theatrical Event of the Year as the papers are saying, but still. Good stuff. It even sparked some scintillating conversation between A-Dub and me on our drive home. Let's face it folks, in the end, the girls WERE dancing naked in the forest, drinking chicken blood and conjuring the devil. Come on.
And Jenny did us proud! We hated her so much! Way to go!
(By the way, Jenny played Abigail. You were supposed to hate her.)
The acting wasn't too shabby either, although the lengthy second act suffered a bit from "too much, too soon". When four different actors tell the judge six different times that the girls are liars and he's been duped, it might be more interesting for the audience if you, the actor, begin your grovelling at, say, level 3 or 4 and WORK your way to level 10.
It didn't really help matters that, in my opinion anyway, the guy playing John Proctor reminded me a LOT of Keanu Reeves ("Witches...whoa..."). This trend of casting people because they're hot and can half-way deliver a line has got to stop. It might work in a one act, but when your show is six hours long, go with someone else.
What should be:
"He's a great actor! And, as an added bonus, he's really good-looking! Score!!"
becomes
"He's hot! And, as an added bonus, he can sorta act a little too! I hope I can score!!"
Tut, tut.
Still, in spite of Goody Keanu (I know, "Goody" means "Mrs." I just couldn't resist), the show was QUITE good. I don't know if it was the Everycity Theatrical Event of the Year as the papers are saying, but still. Good stuff. It even sparked some scintillating conversation between A-Dub and me on our drive home. Let's face it folks, in the end, the girls WERE dancing naked in the forest, drinking chicken blood and conjuring the devil. Come on.
And Jenny did us proud! We hated her so much! Way to go!
(By the way, Jenny played Abigail. You were supposed to hate her.)
A witch
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
The Easter Story (continued)
(The next day. Corporate America sits in his usual place, although this time he sips on a mint julep from a sterling silver tumbler. Yes Man sits at his left. The various Lackeys around the table eagerly await Corporate America's word.)
(silence)
Corporate America: (to the Lackeys) Y'all don't say much, do you?
(Idea Man enters, pushing a tall figure covered with a white drape)
Corporate America: 'Bout time! We've been waiting here for two days!
Idea Man: Yes, C.A. Terribly sorry. The boys and I have been working as quickly as we could...but you see...when you said you wanted pagan, well--(begins to lift white drape, a lion roars from underneath and Idea Man drops it quickly), pagan is a little more...er...difficult to manage than the Easter Jesus prototype you saw yesterday.
Corporate America: Ha! That old thing? Personally, I'm glad we gave that thing the axe!
Yes Man: Oh yes. Glad! Glad, glad, glad!
Idea Man: (sotto) You didn't even give me the chance to demonstrate to you that if you appease Easter Jesus by buying up as many Corporate Yummy Easter Pork Eggs as you can find, he might bring your favorite relative back from the dead so he or she can join you for Easter lunch on Sunday.
Corporate America: What's that?
Idea Man: I didn't say anything.
Corporate America: So what's this thing under the sheet? Or is this it? The Easter ghost?
Idea Man: No, we're saving the Easter ghost model for Halloween, in case Pumpkin Patch Man needs a Rudolph to spice him up a bit.
Corporate America: Good thinking.
Idea Man: No, this time we went further back. All the way to the source of Easter itself. So, without further ado, I give you...(drumroll, Idea Man pulls drape off figure to reveal) the Easter Nimrod!
(a pause)
Corporate America: Nimrod? What is this, a joke? Why don't you make an Easter Doofus next? Or an Easter Moron. Or an Easter--
Idea Man: C.A., Nimrod is his name.
Corporate America: Yeah? Some name! How about Easter Idiot? Haw! Haw!
(the Easter Nimrod slowly approaches Corporate America)
Yes Man: Oh, that was a good one, sir.
Corporate America: Or how about Easter Stupid Idiot!
Yes Man: Oh, sir! You're too much!
Corporate America: Or how about--
Idea Man: Umm, C.A., please don't incur the wrath of the Easter Nimrod. He's--
(Easter Nimrod takes Corporate America by the throat and lifts him from his chair)
Easter Nimrod: I am a mighty hunter before the face of the God of the Hebrew scum! I bring chocolate eggs to all the good girls and boys. And to the bad ones, my enemies, I cut their bodies into pieces as they sleep, and scatter what's left of them across the kingdom, where my wife, Ishtar, whore of Babylon and mother of lies, waits to reassemble them in a phallic orgy of pagan devil worship!
(Easter Nimrod throws Corporate America aside like a rag doll and pulls out his sword. He brings it down on the conference room table and hacks it to pieces. Mint julep and splinters fly everywhere. Easter Nimrod lets out another lion-like roar and crashes through the window, lowering himself with monkey-like agility down to the unsuspecting streets below. The sprinkler system turns on. The Lackeys whisper various ad-libs such as, "Dear God!" and "He's loose! He's loose!" and "Maybe no one will notice the ancient warrior king of Babylon roaming the streets." Yes Man goes to Corporate America who is sprawled out like an upside-down tortoise.
Idea Man: (sighs) Well, back to the drawing board.
(silence)
Corporate America: (to the Lackeys) Y'all don't say much, do you?
(Idea Man enters, pushing a tall figure covered with a white drape)
Corporate America: 'Bout time! We've been waiting here for two days!
Idea Man: Yes, C.A. Terribly sorry. The boys and I have been working as quickly as we could...but you see...when you said you wanted pagan, well--(begins to lift white drape, a lion roars from underneath and Idea Man drops it quickly), pagan is a little more...er...difficult to manage than the Easter Jesus prototype you saw yesterday.
Corporate America: Ha! That old thing? Personally, I'm glad we gave that thing the axe!
Yes Man: Oh yes. Glad! Glad, glad, glad!
Idea Man: (sotto) You didn't even give me the chance to demonstrate to you that if you appease Easter Jesus by buying up as many Corporate Yummy Easter Pork Eggs as you can find, he might bring your favorite relative back from the dead so he or she can join you for Easter lunch on Sunday.
Corporate America: What's that?
Idea Man: I didn't say anything.
Corporate America: So what's this thing under the sheet? Or is this it? The Easter ghost?
Idea Man: No, we're saving the Easter ghost model for Halloween, in case Pumpkin Patch Man needs a Rudolph to spice him up a bit.
Corporate America: Good thinking.
Idea Man: No, this time we went further back. All the way to the source of Easter itself. So, without further ado, I give you...(drumroll, Idea Man pulls drape off figure to reveal) the Easter Nimrod!
(a pause)
Corporate America: Nimrod? What is this, a joke? Why don't you make an Easter Doofus next? Or an Easter Moron. Or an Easter--
Idea Man: C.A., Nimrod is his name.
Corporate America: Yeah? Some name! How about Easter Idiot? Haw! Haw!
(the Easter Nimrod slowly approaches Corporate America)
Yes Man: Oh, that was a good one, sir.
Corporate America: Or how about Easter Stupid Idiot!
Yes Man: Oh, sir! You're too much!
Corporate America: Or how about--
Idea Man: Umm, C.A., please don't incur the wrath of the Easter Nimrod. He's--
(Easter Nimrod takes Corporate America by the throat and lifts him from his chair)
Easter Nimrod: I am a mighty hunter before the face of the God of the Hebrew scum! I bring chocolate eggs to all the good girls and boys. And to the bad ones, my enemies, I cut their bodies into pieces as they sleep, and scatter what's left of them across the kingdom, where my wife, Ishtar, whore of Babylon and mother of lies, waits to reassemble them in a phallic orgy of pagan devil worship!
(Easter Nimrod throws Corporate America aside like a rag doll and pulls out his sword. He brings it down on the conference room table and hacks it to pieces. Mint julep and splinters fly everywhere. Easter Nimrod lets out another lion-like roar and crashes through the window, lowering himself with monkey-like agility down to the unsuspecting streets below. The sprinkler system turns on. The Lackeys whisper various ad-libs such as, "Dear God!" and "He's loose! He's loose!" and "Maybe no one will notice the ancient warrior king of Babylon roaming the streets." Yes Man goes to Corporate America who is sprawled out like an upside-down tortoise.
Idea Man: (sighs) Well, back to the drawing board.
To be concluded...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)