In case you were wondering...

My home has become a warzone.

I just got back from the Duane Reade with some sleeping pills.

Leo let his apartment out to his friends from Florida. Yeah. He's gone, but that doesn't mean I get a break from the noise.

They have NO IDEA how loud they are.

I left them a note. That seems to have helped (I asked them to keep it down after midnight), but every other minute of the day, they are coming and going, or hanging out in the doorway. I swear, it's like a hotel room. People shouldn't come and go like this! This is an APARTMENT BUILDING.

Having just turned the corner on this stomach bug, my stomach is still a little fluttery. The irritation from the constant stomping and slamming of doors on the other side of the wall wasn't helping. So I went outside to get a little brandy and some sleep aides to see if that wouldn't help calm things down a bit.

The noise of the helicopters was worse when I stepped outside. Holy cats. What are the helicopters doing up there? New Years isn't until tomorrow!

The crowds. Oh my LORD, the crowds. I know it's bad every year, but COME ON. It is a freakin' NIGHTMARE out there! All of Midtown has become a theme park. I'm hearing baristas in every Starbucks giving directions to nearby points of interest...it's like in my Six Flags days.

It's awful.

Why do I live here?

Some Updates

I'm back from yet another trip to Precept in Chattanooga, TN. This time around was a study of Ezekiel (part 1... ch 1-32). It was intense and difficult and informative and incredible. I love going down there.

I'm back in New York now. Modeling work is at a halt. The schools don't do much in the summer and the artists I usually work one-on-one with are all busy with other projects. I've got a little something--another Jesus painting--lined up for August, a little school thing for evenings September, and a full-blown religious painting in October. I'll have to go to Connecticut for that one but it should be interesting. In November and December evenings will be devoted almost entirely to A Christmas Carol.

So the current scarcity means I'm looking in earnest for more part-time work. With previous office experience being the most easily marketable batch of skills I have, it's unfortunately not not as easy to convince employers that just because I have hair all over my head doesn't mean I can't WORK. Guys like me are stuck doing hippie work. I'll probably swing by Trader Joe's this afternoon and pick up an application. A friend at a video game news blog company sent my resume to her boss. Maybe that'll lead to something.

I feel like transitioning. Maybe it's just the old 3-5 year itch from growing up in an always-moving military family. But I feel like I'm ready to try new things. Maybe put the acting stuff on the side for a few years and go back to school. Get an IT degree or something and have a job where I can make rent and enjoy just being me without the stress of having to worry that I'm throwing away an acting career.

I know, I know. I've already put the acting career on the side, according to outside observers. I've spent the couple of years making an unexpected career out of being a figure model at New York art schools. But in my head I haven't put it away. In my head, I've been nervous, I've been stressed, I've not been able to shake the feeling that I'm failing every time I say "Yes" to another modeling gig. I've so enjoyed being away from the audition culture, being able to do what I want to do, look how I want to look, away from the fear, away from the constant rejection, away from being sized up all the time...

But the enjoyment of all these things is ruined when the "Acting Thing" rears its head. My stomach tightens. My pulse increases. "Enjoy your freedom while it lasts because next year you have to audition for soap operas and get your career back on track" casts a shadow over it all. Maybe for someone more self-assured, less wrapped up in nuance and detail of the intricacies of life, it makes no difference.

But I'm not like that. I'm an ISFJ. I'm the Little Old Lady of personality types. Everything is felt, everything is remembered, everything is stored away, but worst of all, everything matters. Things aren't so easily discarded. As the helpless, dependent "baby" of the family, what I want, what I really really want out of life, is to just be able to KNOW and IDENTIFY with some degree of certainty, is who Forky is and what Forky wants. That's it. Maybe that's why I don't have dreams. I don't have career plans. I don't have a 5 year goal. I don't have high hopes of starting a big family or becoming famous or whatever.

I guess, to some extent, that's a dilemma everybody faces. They just don't think about it so much.

Or maybe I'm just another of the 30-something indecisive man-boys that are so prevalent these days.

Whoa. Sorry for getting all deep on this post. How about we end on a silly note?

Who Needs Seminary?

Gearing up for Names of God...

Prepping to assist with Central's Psummer of Psalms Adult Sunday School...

Getting ready to start my Ezekiel homework for this summer's trip to Chattanooga...

And just for fun, how about the Precept Joel Rosenberg Last Days study? Why not?

I barely have time for video games anymore.

I'm really surprised by how little I really know about the Bible and about God. I'm still something of a human train wreck, but man, I'm having the time of my life here.

Ack! Getting a migraine. And from my studies I know that God is sovereign over blindness and intense head pain and the inability to form sentences! Hallelujah!

Back at CrossFit

Okay, I'm down to somewhere between 175 and 180. I've still got a little chunk around the middle but I've also put on a bit more muscle too. My diet has eased up a little and I'm going to CrossFit every other day or so. All in all, things are tightening up a bit, but I'm still bigger than I was.

So the next step would be to cut the french fries and donuts and go back to salads and organic eggs and chicken and that sort of thing. I may try to find a balance... do Paleo for 5-6 days a week and have a pizza day. Or something like that. I've never felt better than when I cut out the grains and the sugar, but at the same time, I was also never as LEAN. And while cutting all body fat is the goal of most people, in my line of work, a little chunk, a little MASS, a little SIZE isn't necessarily seen as a BAD thing.

Besides, pizza is WAY cheaper than organic everything.


In other news, I did the first week of the Precept 'LORD, Where Are You When Bad Things Happen?' study and I think we're gonna hafta switch gears. I'd been hoping to lead a group at our church in this study, but dang. This study.

See, you expect a Bible study to be all sweetness and pleasantness and rainbows and bluebirds and stuff that's just supposed to make you feel GOOD.

Like the last one I completed (the darkest Bible study I've ever done EVER 'LORD, Heal My Hurts'), this one is unexpectedly HEAVY. And it's heavy because it's not skimping on the TRUTH. The problem is...

THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Seriously. I don't think they can. Instead of being in agreement, I'm afraid the folks participating in the study would throw their hands up in politically correct horror when she compares sacrificing Israelite babies to Molech with modern-day abortion.

I may not be giving them enough credit. But then again, I've moved WELL beyond the scars I acquired from Southern Religion gone bad. Instead of being quite so defensive, I've learned to separate the facts from a study from the editorializing.

The #1 thing I'm dealing with right now is commentaries. People would rather read commentaries or full books on God rather than studying the Bible. As a result, they know what C.S. Lewis thinks about God (which is FINE! I LOVE that guy!) but the problem is they don't know for themselves what the Bible says about God. They wind up Biblically illiterate. People think I've been to seminary. No. I just found a teacher that I liked and started doing daily Bible studies. Not just READING though...actually STUDYING.

Might I encourage you to do the same?


In other news, I did a google search for 'is Carol Channing a man' and got nothing.


And speaking of conspiracies, I just have to say ONE thing here.

Why is everybody on TV telling me not to look at that thing?

No, I'm serious. The man goes to such bizarre lengths to keep it under lock and key for so long. It's got people all upset. Then he releases it, and everybody on TV tells me, "It's out, OKAY? Now stop looking at it and let's focus on talking about fixing the economy which we can't fix anyway."

Why? No, really. Why? Isn't that why you release a high res pdf file for millions of people to see? Shouldn't they be ENCOURAGING people to pore over this thing? You want to see this thing? Go right ahead! You want to send in the forensic experts? Be my guest! I assure you they'll find it's perfectly authentic! Put all your doubts to rest once and for all!

Instead, EVERYBODY is saying, "Okay. It's out. Drop it. Now. And if you don't, everybody's going to hate you and call you crazy. And you don't want people to call you CRAZY, do you? Your reputation is VERY important to you and you wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to it, WOULD YOU?"

Which naturally makes me even MORE suspicious of it! Why is everybody on TV telling me NOT to look too closely at this thing?!

Do you know what I mean? THAT'S what's making me crazy.

April Update

So much to talk about. Where to begin?

BODY EXPERIMENT UPDATE

I'm now somewhere VERY close to 180. And we have a slight problem.

I'm completely unmotivated to re-enter the works-based religion of having a six-pack. I hate that stupid thing. It's funny. It's getting to be springtime up here in NYC and people are just itching to wear their latest not-clothes and show off their ripped bodies. Me, I continue to wear medium shirts that show to the world I'm magnificently average and have NOTHING to prove to ANYBODY. I'm not competing with you appearance-obsessed New Yorkers! I'm not playing your never-ending comparison game that only leads to self-loathing!! I feel relaxed, self-assured, and for the first time in five years my abs aren't constantly flexing.

That said, I'm done with the donuts and pizza. I'm going to see if I can maintain this current weight and put on some muscle mass while I'm wearing an extra 15 lbs.



For you Primal fiends out there, I did a TECHNICAL-Primal day yesterday.

Breakfast: 4 eggs with organic cheese, two spoonfuls of organic peanut butter, coffee with cream
Lunch: Small Tomato Cheddar soup and small salad from Hale and Hearty. Spinach, carrots, cucumbers, red peppers, bleu cheese, and a little shot of dressing
Snack: Organic baby carrots and two spoonfuls of peanut butter
Dinner: Chipotle burrito bowl with rice, beans, and guac

Yes. That's TECHNICALLY still Primal. I didn't eat ANYTHING (that I was aware of) that had wheat in it and I'm pretty sure the refined sugar was at a bare minimum. The 80/20 rule.

I didn't get hungry once yesterday. My energy levels were steady. I felt great. Yeah, I know. Beans, rice, peanut butter. First, I'm not paying $12.75 for almond butter when I can get the same amount of organic peanut butter for $3.50.

I'm just curious to know what's the ABSOLUTE LEAST I can get away with and still experience positive results. That and I'm not interested in having .3% body fat right now. I don't care if I'm eating legumes or dairy. My struggle has always putting mass ON, not taking it OFF. From my experience with Primal last year, this is NOT a diet that helps you bulk up. Everyone at CrossFit jumped on the Primal bandwagon and they all shriveled up. Yeah, the ones struggling to lose that bit of extra chunk now had totally flat stomachs, but the already-fit ones looked a little shriveled.


Job (the thing you do for money, not the guy from the Bible)

This is probably connected with the lack of motivation to get back in tip-top shape and remain a little chunky. But I'm tired of modeling. I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of the physical demands of the job and the pay not balancing out the costs of gym classes, protein shakes, etc., etc. I've been sitting for portraits this past month and it's turning my brain into tapioca.

Meanwhile, all my friends have families and babies and big-time careers. I realize I'm the most interesting friend ever--working at Dog Shows and NofriendoLand World and playing the ukulele and nude modeling--but I've just about had it.

Yes, you heard me. I want a boring office job. I want to type up memos. I want to do my work and get paid a nice salary and have health insurance and not have anybody yell at me. On the side, I'll write plays and do a show here and there and find places to be creative. Everybody else is moving on with their lives and doing stuff and moving into nice apartments and getting raises and having families... Meanwhile, I live as a pauper in NYC with no prospects for the future.

Plus, I can't afford CrossFit classes. How am I supposed to get back in shape without someone yelling at me, telling me to move my butt and pick up heavy stuff?


Bible Study



This is the best Bible study I've done yet. It's also pretty dark. Just when you think, "Okay, SURE, Kay Arthur. A sweet little lady like you couldn't possibly know anything about pain and suffering," she pulls out a story about someone who--I can't even say it, it's so awful. And not just one story. A BUNCH.

Suffice to say, this isn't the feel-good Bible study of the year, but it's changing the way I think. It's really excellent. And, surprise! it's all from the Bible. Sure, she ties it together with some anecdotes here and there, but the philosophy at Precept is getting people into the WORD--because man's words are just man's words and may be very nice and very true, but they're not the supernatural word of God. THAT'S what ministers to and transforms people.

I love these guys at Precept. Every Christian who is tired of impractical, overly-emotional Christianese needs to do inductive studies. I used to be majorly cynical about the Bible. Not anymore. It's really REAL. But until you experience it for yourself, you won't understand what I'm saying.

They're workshopping their new study of Ezekiel (part one!) in Chattanooga this summer. Anybody out there want to sponsor me? Or come with? I'm desperate to go! UFOs baby!


Portraits

Oh yeah. Here's what I sat for this past month.

Portrait #1 (above) is supposed to be a plainsman. I think I look like a very sad Mad Hatter

Portrait #2 is what I look like now. Shorter beard, long hair pulled back to avoid drawing comparisons to Renaissance Jesus as I knock people over on the sidewalks in Times Square

That's the update. Maybe I'll go for a walk to the pier on this Friday afternoon and think about life and where I'm going. Yeah. That sounds good. Oh yeah! And work on illustrations for my cool new book!

Fitness Experiment 3/24

Just weighed in. With shoes on and if I stand right in the middle of the scale, I'm a whopping 178lbs.

One more week to go. Should I slow down or go for broke?

Fitness Experiment Update 3/17

I'm really uncomfortable.

I've put on about 7 or 8 pounds since the last update. Almost ten pounds since the beginning of the month. Slouching toward the 15 lb goal. On someone who's as lean as me, it shows VERY quickly. I've got the unmistakable beginnings of a gut going on down in the spare tire area, the lovehandles are back, the six pack is on temporary hiatus, and I have to suck in a little to button my jeans.

Energy levels are a bit on the low side. Not SHOCKINGLY low...I'm not falling asleep standing up or anything... but I'm not feeling quite as perky, that's for sure. It's a lot more difficult to wake up in the morning and I have to be careful what I eat for lunch. Too much food/bread almost knocks me out.

Worst though--It's HOT. Uncomfortably warm. It's a sunny, warm-ish St. Patrick's Day in NYC. Not a cloud in the sky. And I'm HOT in this t-shirt and jeans, which is most unusual. I want to attribute some of it to my long hair, but there's an unmistakable uncomfortable feeling of hotness all over. It's enough to make me want to give up on this whole experiment right now. But, for the sake of the people who have long told me, "Yeah, diet and exercise work for YOU. You're MAGICALLY SKINNY. I could NEVER get in shape like that", I'm gonna try and ride this out.

I think I've proven that I DON'T have a magic metabolism. Muscle tone and six pack are not necessarily the result of insane genetics. I got those things because I ate small portions, was careful with my diet, and kept physically active. This month, I've let myself go. Bread, cereal, pasta, beer, lots of birthday cake, french fries, all that sort of thing. Normal foods. Big portions. The only cardio I'm doing is walking around NYC.

HOWEVER, I have also noticed that I have NOT lost any muscle mass in the past week of skipping the gym. I have stayed the same size. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, I'm filling out my shirts in more than just my gut area.

Also, my face looks healthy for the first time in forever. I've always had a thin face and slightly sunken cheeks. Not anymore.

ALSO, today I finally managed to make it back into the gym for some lifting and I was quite surprised to find that I was lifting, on average, about 10 lbs more than my usual!

I guess this is why a lot of gym rats go through the "bulking" phase. Normal folks don't really know this, but during the fall and winter, you often see muscle-heads starting to get a little bit on the chunky side. That's the bulking phase of the year, when everyone eats more, weighs more, and because of that, lifts more. And lifting more = more gains in muscle mass.

Then in the spring and summer, it's all about cardio and cutting the fat, while ideally keeping the muscle.

I'm really hopeful my friends will see what I'm doing here and realize I'm not making this up. You CAN change your bodies through diet and exercise. Don't misunderstand me--I TOTALLY understand that some people are more disposed towards being stocky or lean, but for those of you who thought I was "special" because I was blessed by the skinny fairy at my christening, hang on. I'm about to prove how normal my body really is.

Fitness Experiment

On the train, headed to my March portrait gig. Yes, portrait. Which means I'm keeping my clothes on all month.

The cost of the CrossFit class I'd been a member of shot up 100 bucks just after Thanksgiving and I haven't been doing any significant cardio since then. I put on 5-10 lbs between Thanksgiving and Christmas (as usual) but because I haven't had my regular gym classes, that weight hasn't dropped off as it usually does by the end of January.

I'm banking it this month--lured out to Riverdale with promises of gold. So in April I'll have enough dosh to buy a $200 month-long unlimited CrossFit pass.

But that's still a month away.

The Cachinator and I were talking about this when he got a nutty idea that I kind of like.

I'm going to do a little fitness experiment. I know. It's a little crazy. But I think it could be really interesting.

So this month, it's all about eating the average American's diet, going to the gym for light workout every now and then, but not thinking of it as a priority. In other words, I'm going to see how out if shape I can get in a month.

In April, it's back to CrossFit. It's also back to the primal diet (no grains, refined sugars).

How long will it take to get the six pack back? I don't know. But I've got plenty of motivation, seeing as how I can't very well model for my gigs this summer with saggy love handles.

In the meantime, I'm bringing on the grains, bread, the occasional trip to McDonalds, five dollar foot-longs from Subway, big Chipotle burritos...the works.

I'm going to post diet and weight progress at least once a week. Probably Wednesdays (Weigh-in Wednesday. Has a nice ring to it!)

Can I do it? Will I lose my nerve? We'll see!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Radiator Update

I just got off the phone with the landlord.

Again.

This time, I said, "No, YOU listen to ME. I am NOT your ENEMY."

He seemed to listen to me this time.

They SWEAR the radiator CAN'T run 24/7.

I'm here today to tell you that, somehow, it can. And it did.

But seeing as how it just shut off (holy COW! It SHUT OFF!), I was finally able to stand before that little metal doggie-door to HELL and screw the knob as far to the righty-tighty as I possibly could. I doubt that will stop the evil thing. But I'm not going down without a fight.

I'll take the freezing temperatures.


In other news. While talking on my cell phone to the landlord, I got crapped on by a bird. But not just once. Twice. What are the odds?

I feel like a winner.

Radiator

What nightmares are made of

Last night I got really hot in my little New York studio apartment.

REALLY hot.

I'd noticed that, for about two days, the little radiator in the corner had not stopped hissing. Normally, those stupid things go on and off somewhat unpredictably and you spend the winter stuck in this sweat/freeze cycle as the thing bangs to life and blasts your room with waves of heat just after you've gotten all comfortable and cozy under three blankets. The blankets and Snuggie come off, the radiator shuts down, and the room returns to its natural state of iciness.

But this winter in NYC has been a little different. For all the snow we've had, it's also been unseasonably warm in between storms. Yesterday was one of those days that felt sort of like a chilly spring day.

And yet, my radiator was running FULL BLAST. Hissing. All. Day. Long.

I came home from church and was quickly forced to peel my clothing off due to the fact that I was, almost immediately dripping with sweat and having trouble breathing.

By evening, I decided enough was enough. I had heard people talking about their radiators a few days earlier. Apparently, (and this was news to me) the little knob on the side of the blasted thing can actually be TURNED. This either opens or closes the thing so you can decide if you want a little randomly erupting volcano in your apartment or if you'd rather play it old school and take a chance with the elements.

I touched the knob of the hissing radiator quickly. Yep. Pretty hot. Looks like I'll need a towel or something. Ow! One towel isn't gonna cut it. This thing is HOT.

My hands awkwardly covered with a towel and a thick pair of exercise pants, I began turning the knob.

Now which way is it? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. But is that right TOWARD me? Or right in relation to the KNOB? Hmm. This thing sure feels loose--

BLAM!

The knob flew across the room and high-pressure, boiling-hot steam LOUDLY blasted out of the radiator and singed my hands.

And it wasn't stopping.

Think quickly. You've got to plug up that hole.

I can't plug up the hole. There's hot steam coming out of it and a frightening rate. And it's LOUD.

I don't care. You HAVE to plug it up or stop it somehow.

Okay, okay. Uhh...holy crap. The apartment is getting really full of steam.

Yes it is. Quick. Stop THINKING and open the window as wide as it can go.

Done. Whoa! It's like a sauna in here! There's so much steam I can't see anything!

Don't just stand there! Open the door too!

Okay! Okay. That's a little better, but the steam is still blasting out of the radiator.

Find that knob and try to put it back on.

What? Are you crazy? How am I supposed to do that??

You HAVE to do that!

Uhh...okay. There's the knob. It's cool enough that I can hold it without burning myself...

Get that towel and maybe something else to cover your hand while you do this!

Okay. Here goes--bwahhh! It's like trying to stop the flow of a stream of water! I'm getting hot steam in my face!

Almost there!

THERE. It's back in. Sort of. But there's a lot of pressure behind it.

Whatever you do, don't let it go.

BLAM!

What are you waiting for? Call the super!

Yes! The super! I'll call him! Let me go outside. He won't be able to hear me over the noise of the steam.



Did you call him?

Yes! I told him it was an emergency but he didn't believe me! He said he'd come check it out tomorrow morning.

What??

I begged him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come down NOW and check out what was going on! That this was a MAJOR EMERGENCY for the entire building! He finally sighed and said he'd come down here in a few minutes.

What??

Yeah. I know. Holy cow. There's the neighbor. He looks concerned that something bad may be happening to our building.

You might ask him if he knows what to do.

No dice. He's now standing in my doorway, looking at the steam and smoking a freakin' cigarette. Great. Now I've got steam AND smoke in here!!

Jerk!

Holy crap! My new TV! My computer!! They're being STEAMED!

Steam rises! Put the TV flat on the floor NOW!

DONE! Holy crap! I just paid it off YESTERDAY and now THIS happens! It's going to be destroyed! I just know it!

You can't win, Fork.

I can't! Oh man! There's the super! He's got a look of fear and horror in his eyes!

He didn't believe you! He's a jerk too!

He believes me now though. And...oh no.

What is it?

He doesn't speak English.

Quick! Use sign language! Pantomime!

I am! I am! I think he's starting to understand!

Quick! Where's the knob?

Here!

Give it to him!

Okay! He's got the knob back in!

BLAM!

It came out again! Oh GAWD, what am I gonna DO??

You could always call 911.

That's a dumb idea. What are they going to do? It's not a fire. Why can't this stupid super go down and turn off the boiler??

I don't think he understands how it works.

Wait, he said he'd be right back. He's leaving.

Well, you can't just stand there while your apartment gets steamed! Try to plug it up until he gets back!

Okay--OW! The knob is freakin' HOT.

TRY!! You have to TRY!

All right! I'll do it!

Did you get it? The hissing seems to have stopped.

YES. It's in. I'm holding it here but it's not on right. It's plugging the hole but I can't screw it on. Oh man. I'm not moving. I'm going to stay RIGHT HERE all night. I can't let this come off again. When the super gets back, I'll BEG him to go down to the basement and turn off the boiler so we can screw the knob back on without getting third degree burns.

Smart move.

The super is back. No, Pancho, everything is NOT fine. Go to the basement and TURN OFF THE BOILER.

He doesn't understand you. He just stood there and blinked.

Great. This is just great. I'm just going to sleep here tonight and hold the knob. I'm not letting this thing go again.

He looks like he's got a new knob.

It looks exactly like the old one. What difference will that--? NO! No. I'm not chancing it. What if he can't get the new knob on? What if one of us gets seriously burned?? We're not equipped to deal with something like this!

He looks pretty confident. Maybe you should trust him.

Maybe he should just TURN THE FREAKIN' BOILER OFF!

I don't think that's going to happen. Unless you know the Spanish word for boiler.

Boilerema? Boileremo? Boilamento?

Nope. Not working.

Okay. You're right. I'm giving it to him. But I can't bear to watch. I'm going downstairs to the front until this is all over.



I can't hear the steam blast anymore.

Do you think it stopped?

There's Pancho. Ask him.

He said, "Is good." Oh thank GOD. I was afraid he was going to say, "Is bery bad."

So the ordeal is over, huh? You can rest easy.

Not quite. The radiator is still running full-blast. It's not turning off.

Don't those things usually cycle on and off?

Yes. But this one isn't doing that at all. It's been hissing like this for two days straight and it's boiling hot in here.

At least the steam has stopped though.

Yes, that's true.

It was like that episode of I Love Lucy.

Yeah. But--shut up, this is serious. Now what do I do?

Sleep with the windows open and all your fans on. You can call the landlord tomorrow.

Oh man. This was the most horrible...I'm going to have nightmares about this.

Why?

Because I felt so helpless. It was so awful and there was no sign of it stopping. All that steam. No way to stop it... I mean...look. There are burn marks all over the towel I used to hold the knob in place.

It was a nightmare.

Yes, it was a nightmare. And on one level it still IS. What if Pancho didn't get the knob back in all the way? What if it blows out again while I'm sleeping? The radiator isn't cycling on and off like it's supposed to. What if there's something wrong with the boiler? What if the building is in danger?

Whoa whoa whoa...

I feel like I've been traumatized.

Well, you have been. A little.

And what's worse, in situations like this, I feel like God doesn't exist.

Whoa there Fork. I think you're just overexcited.

No, I'm serious. Why does this kind of stuff happen? This was utterly terrifying. My fingers are burned. My stuff has been damaged. I have NO control over this. I feel helpless and small and nobody cares. Where the crap was God when this happened? I feel like He exists at church and in spiritual matters, but when it comes to the physical, real-world problems...what the crap?

The radiator blew up because you don't live in a whimsical fantasy world where you make a wish and bad things stop. There's order. And sometimes that order results in unpleasantness.

Yeah, but what? What am I supposed to walk away with here? Was this some sort of life lesson? Am I supposed to think there was a REASON for this happening? The only person affected here was ME. And possibly the super.

I don't know. Maybe you'll see it a couple of days. You never know. Maybe there's something wrong with the building and this needed to happen so the landlord would come and discover the problem before something REALLY bad happened?

Possibly. I'm going to ponder this for a few days. In the meantime, the radiator is still hissing full-blast, the apartment is still super-hot, the fans are on, the windows are open... And I have no control. I'm helpless here.

You're being dramatic.

I'm being dramatic because I'm THINKING about this. I'm trying to rationalize. Good grief, you're just like my parents. They think I'm ridiculous when I try to process deep thoughts and feelings in front of them.

Just try and relax. Everything will work out. It always does.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

Entertainments

Brief Encounter and the Pee-wee Herman Show were both great fun, packed with theatrical tricks and surprises. Too bad they're closed now.

As is the dreary Haunted, starring a dynamite Brenda Blethyn. Why playwrights insist on writing things nobody would WANT to see is a mystery to me.

The Illusionist--Sylvain Chomet's follow-up to his wonderful though somewhat meaningless look at the grotesque side of how we entertain ourselves, the Triplets of Belleville--does, indeed, have a moral. Points for that. The downside is the moral is--well. I won't spoil it for you. In spite of that, the film is still well-made, mostly dialogue-free and aurally rich (as Triplets was), and mature in the way that the really great anime films of Japan are.