Old Hats

Bernadette was cute. But honestly, she was no Liza.

Maybe that's a good thing. It means she'll probably live a lot longer.

Star-studded benefit to raise money for dogs. You'd think she'd sing a few more funny songs. As it was, what started out almost as "the Best of Barbara Cook" turned into "Bernadette Sings the Sad Ones".

Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, Stephen Sondheim, Arthur Lawrence, and other celebrities were in attendance. Bernadette's best friend, Mary Tyler Moore, made a cameo. Mandy Patinkin was supposed to be there but couldn't make it. I don't know why. It's not as if anyone will work with that nutcase anymore, ever since he manhandled my beloved Toni Collette.

But that's neither here nor there.

It was fine. But once again, I felt out of place among the tuxedos and evening gowns. And the ghastly opening number--a slightly reworked version of the opening bits of 'Into the Woods'--was sung by a handful of people, some of whom didn't know the words and stumbled embarassingly and obviously over the language as they piped in at the wrong time and sang the wrong verses.

It's that sort of "hey Maude, let's get dolled up and put on a show for our bored rich friends!"

"Okay June! I haven't been on stage since 1964, but this'll be fun!"

And we're all supposed to be delighted when a bunch of rich has-beens galumph around on a stage, don't know the song, can't do the box step in unison, and have some truly crap-tacular comic timing. Mary Tyler Moore, we love you, but your ship has sailed. Stop talking. Stop trying. Just smile and let Bernie speak for you.

I've encountered this sort of thing now several times since moving to New York. The Broadway Nazis will call me a hater and promise to contact the acting coordinator to get me fired from ever working in this town again. But I mean it, y'all. This sort of thing cheapens the art. It cheapens theatre. Beyond the cheesy musicals. Beyond the tourist shows. Because it makes me realize what theatre actually is (most of the time--not ALL of the time). A bunch of people getting together to play make-believe in front of a bunch of other people. And it begins to seem utterly ridiculous.

Yes, theatrical storytelling has been around since ancient Egypt. I've sat in many a theatre in New York City, spellbound. When it's good, there is nothing like a live performance with real folks living out their experiences before your very eyes.

But this brand of "giving it one more go without paying attention during your one rehearsal because you're 105 and are used to 'winging it'" horrifies me. It's not cute. I'm not laughing with you that you screwed up your one part. I don't care that you're old. Carol Channing was BORN old and she still manages to get it right. Quit play acting and get off the damn stage!

Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I should just let them have their fun in front of all the old Upper East Side swells who used to be showbiz bigshots but are now forgotten and powerless.

Maybe when I'm their age I'll feel differently.

But I probably won't.