The Voice of Reason

I has a beard.

Huh. So this is what it's like to have hair growing out of your face.

Most people ask two questions:

1. Doesn't it get hot?

and

2. Isn't it itchy?


These questions have very simple answers.

1., No. In fact, I often forget it's there unless I reach up to scratch my nose and my hand gets tangled up in it. Now I don't get the cool breeze hitting my face like I did when I was a clean-shaven poodle. But am I sweating under this thing? Do cats sweat under their fur coats?

2., It itches until about the third week, then it's over. It's mostly just really soft. And weird. I mean, it's hair but it's on your face.


It's just been such an interesting experience. Most people who haven't seen me in a while are fairly horrified when they see me. Well, maybe not horrified. Maybe just shocked. Like the guest pastor of our church and his wife. His wife is a proper Southern lady and I think she was a little repulsed.

But the thing is I couldn't go the short beard route. The density on my cheeks is pathetic. The only option was to go big and see if the hair would get long enough to cover over the thin spots.

And the only way to know if that would work was to give it the 10-12 week test.

Yes, 10-12 weeks.

I don't know where the crap men get the idea that you should be able to sprout a full beard in three weeks, but that's what I understood pretty much since I first started shaving.

That's like saying you should be able to go from bald to having a full head of luxurious hair in three weeks. Let's think about this y'all. The average human's hair grows at a rate of about half an inch every month.

The first couple of months were awful. I felt horrible about myself. Everywhere I went, everyone I saw...I could feel the judgment.


"You know, there's an easy fix for that. People wouldn't think badly of you if you just shaved."

Well I know that. But the experiment wasn't to see how fast I could wimp out. It was to see if I could grow a beard.

So yeah. I thought my face was a joke. That there was no way I could pull this off. I was doomed to having a little boy's face for the rest of my life. Every day I decided I'd just give it ONE MORE day.

It was a really emotional experience. After the second month I actually had nightmares that I'd look in the mirror and see a face that wasn't mine. It was really strange.

But what do you know? It came in. I have a beard now.

I just finished month 5 and I have developed a really big problem.

I like it.

I like my beard.

But the world is telling me to shave it off. It's getting in the way of all the showbiz stuff. No one wants a young man with a big beard to walk into their audition room.




Bill: Hey Mitch. How's the sign-up for the audition looking?

Mitch: Pretty good Bill. Got lots of people today. But man, I sure hope we don't get any young men with big beards today.

Bill: Oh I know. They're the worst.

Mitch: I know, right?




See what I mean?

"It's kind of like when you had that shoulder-length hair. You looked ridiculous with long hair. I mean, think of your facial structure. Long hair just doesn't work with your cheekbones. A few months after you come to your senses and shave off the beard, you'll look back on pictures of yourself and wonder what the crap you were thinking growing a big Santa Claus beard like that while you still had your youthful good looks. A waste of time if you ask me."

Well, honestly now, I'd probably just get bored with it and shave it off myself if it weren't for the fact that people keep insisting I do it. That's what I did with my ponytail. But people were more accepting of the ponytail because it wasn't growing out of my face. I cut it off willingly...gladly even! But with the beard I'm anticipating the day when the Delilahs hold me down and sheer me like a sheep--snip the masculinity from off my face.

As a result, I've wound up becoming very protective/defensive of it. I'd probably have shaved it off by now if it weren't for them.

The hardest part of the whole beard thing is I feel like I just can't go home and see my family. That's the hardest part. Because MAN, I've gotta get outta this City. My nerves are fried. Everywhere I go, there are people. Any time I try to walk somewhere, crowds. My new neighbor slams his door really loudly which shakes the walls--and he's always forgetting something so there are about four to six huge slams before it all stops.

When you casually walk into a crowded subway car and suddenly find yourself fighting the urge to start crying, it's time for a little vaycay.

But the whole going home thing is tricky. Because I've done something no other man in my family has done since probably sometime in the 18th Century. I grew a beard. And it's not little. It's big. They already think I stink. Adding the beard to the picture will just make things worse.

"You could always shave it. Then people wouldn't pick on you because you wouldn't look like a freak."

You can't make me. I'm going to keep it if I want to.

"Well, enjoy having people making homeless cracks and not being able to audition for anything."

...I hate you.

"Hey, I'm just telling you the truth. You came up to New York to become a professional actor, not find yourself. As it is, the longer you resist adopting a commercial look the more time and money you're throwing away to live in a noisy, filthy City that's probably gonna be nuked in the next ten years anyway."

I have issues! I just turned 30! I'm trying to figure out what the crap happened to my life! I like acting but I don't think I want to be an actor. I feel so empty!

"..."

Aren't you going to say something? Make some bitingly truthful comment?

"I think you already know the answer to the questions you're asking."

Why do people always say that to me? They always say that.

"Because it's true. If you want to go the rest of your life being some sort of hairy mountain man, you have to leave New York. You even said your nerves were shot. Living in Manhattan isn't going to get any more peaceful. If you're not going to do what you came up here to do you should leave."

But...I don't...I don't want to leave! Why can't I have it both ways?

"See, this is your problem, Fork. You're too childlike in your thinking."

I am?

"Yes. You majored in theatre. Why?"

Because you're supposed to major in things you love to do.

"Um. WRONG."

What?

"You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to major in something that looks like it may lead to a lucrative career."

You are?

"Yes, Fork. Geeze. Didn't anybody tell you that?"

No.

"You know, most people don't actually like what they do. That's probably news to you."

Well, I never thought about that. I just figured people did what they liked. They went to school and studied subjects that were interesting to them and then they left school and did those things and enjoyed their jobs.

"Oh that's precious."

What is?

"What I've been saying. You're 30 years old and you still think and act like a little boy."

I'm not a little boy!

"Yes you are."

No I'm not! Do you see this beard on my face?! This is the beard of a mighty, mighty man! Guys stop me on the street to tell me how awesome it is! People wish they had the determination I have!

"..."

What??

"You know you're putting all this on your blog."

...yeah. So?

"Don't you think that's kind of weird? I mean, sharing all these personal feelings with the entire internet?"

Well you're the one who kept bringing it up.

"No. I was just saying what your readers were already thinking. I'm the Voice of Reason."

Hey! You're the guy who's been driving me crazy the past couple of months.

"One of them."

Why can't you shut up?

"Because if I shut up you'll be all alone in the Big City. A lamb among wolves. I'm the reason you practice restraint in your life and why you impose order on the chaos you've chosen for yourself. I'm the reason you haven't squandered all your savings on video games and iPads and TVs and digital cameras."

I have an iPad.

"But I made sure you didn't get it until I was certain you had more than enough cash to do it. And even then, I still think that was a stupid idea. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to live up here?"

Of course I do. I've lived here for almost four years.

"Then you should know better than anyone that summer is coming and your electricity bill is about to double. And, in some months, triple. And you just HAD to go out and buy a stupid iPad."

But...I like it...

"It's a toy, Fork. You can't eat an iPad. You can't turn it on and make your apartment cooler so you can sleep through the night or drown out the sound of your neighbor slamming the door at 3am."

I know...

"It's a money guzzler. Have you ever stopped to add up how much all those apps cost over time?"

I know...

"All you have to do is shave your ugly beard and you can audition again. Maybe you'll actually get cast in something that pays money. Maybe a lot of money. Then you can buy whatever you want."

But I don't care about buying whatever I want. It isn't the money. It's the stuff. It's the cool toys. Besides, I want to do something meaningful with my life.

"So you don't want to be an actor anymore. Then give up this charade."

I didn't say I wanted to do that...

"Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless."

Aw, don't listen to him.

Who are you?

I'm the Voice of Impulse. I'm the other guy you've been listening to these past months. I'm the reason people think you're spontaneous and cool and interesting. I'm why you decided to grow a beard. I'm why people back home always want to know what you're up to. I'm why you learned the ukulele. I'm why you got your personal training certification. I'm why you moved up to New York in the first place.

"Actually, that was ME."

I'm trying to help you figure out what you're supposed to do with your life.

Well hurry it up, would you? I'm supposed to retire soon. I'm supposed to have a wife and at LEAST one kid by now. Maybe the Voice of Reason is right. Maybe I should stop listening to you.

Aw. Don't do that.

Why not?

Because then you'll be lame! If you like your beard then keep it! Add another inch!

I can't! I'll scare my niece! My acting career will dissolve into thin air! I'll be through! THROUGH!

Oh quit being so dramatic. Lighten up a little. Your niece will love you. Santa Claus has a beard.

She is terrified of Santa Claus.

Geeze, what did you do to this guy?

"I didn't do anything."

Yes you did. He's fretting. Like an old woman.

"I'm just trying to make sure he accepts responsibility for where he's headed in life. This wishy-washy nature is getting him nowhere fast. He has to start thinking about his future. Saving money. Making plans."

Keep your beard. You like it!

"Shave it. You look ridiculous and you know it!"

Keep it.

"Shave it."

Keep it!

"Shave it!"

To be continued...