So yesterday's conversation at work was all about how it's okay to b!tch slap yo' hoes.
At one point the conversation got so offensive I found myself completely involuntarily out of my chair and reaching for the doorknob of the room. It was incredible.
I'm really different from these guys.
In fact, I'm about to throw down. Look, forks, I don't normally freak out when I see black people. But after spending a week with THESE guys, I DO!!
There was a gangsta and his ho using the turnstile ahead of me and taking their SWEET time. I suddenly noticed that, once they saw me, they got even SLOWER. Normally I'd raise my eyebrows and tap my foot. Maybe even sigh audibly.
Not anymore! I didn't want someone to bus' a cap in my ass.
I actually CAN'T believe it!
GET THIS! I accidentally bumped against a black woman yesterday in Crimes Square and for about half a second, I went immediately into fight or flight mode.
I'm floored. I don't react like that. People are people. Sure, they're raised in different places with different people, and many of them have been through a whole lot of bad stuff.
But while NORMAL people would try to rise above the abuse or trauma, the guys I'm working with are totally warped. They think Grand Theft Auto is real. They think it's cool to spend time in jail. They think it's your DESTINY to get into a street fight or have to b!itch slap your girlfriend if they disrespek you.
I want to go in to work tonight and let them have it. Really.
Most of them are in their early twenties. Like 23. And they talk like they know everything and have been everywhere. And it's funny. Because when I was 23 I talked like I knew everything. But I didn't. And now I'm 28 and I still don't know everything, but I sure as hell know that I REALLY didn't know anything when I was 23.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Happy Times
I had to step out of the "office" for a little while yesterday.
The guys in the office are so ghetto, if you cut them gangsta rap comes out.
It got so bad at one point that I really and truly had to excuse myself.
Now, you have to understand, 42nd Floorers, I AM NOT RACIST! My siblings and I were raised with the assistance of a number of ethnic women who lived in our home and taught us that, yes, our skin may be different, but deep down, we're all still regular people.
But sometimes I wish I could use the N word every once in a while. I mean, geeze. THEY get to. I guess the reason I can't is because my ancestors never experienced discrimination. That makes sense.
Street fights (yes, as in this) came up as a topic of conversation. Someone asked me if I had ever been in a street fight. And after my declaration that "You don't F___ with the Fork", I made a 180 and assured them that, no, I had never been in a fight before, with or without hadoukens.
Vance, the 23 year old goth geek who thinks he knows EVERYTHING, found this impossible to believe.
"Fork, at some point in your life, you WILL be forced into a fight with someone on the street."
"No I won't," I said.
"Let me give you a scenario. You're on the subway, minding your own business, when a guy gets on who looks like he's really really pissed. It's really crowded and his feet bump against yours. He looks at you and shouts, 'WHY'D YOU KICK ME, KID?!' What do you do?"
"Uhh...I guess...if he's a big, angry guy, I'd diffuse this potential confrontation by just saying sorry and going back to my book."
"..............You would?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"What?"
"You mean...you wouldn't stand up and tell him that you didn't kick him and that he's an effing psycho who needs to calm down?"
"No. If I did that we'd probably get into a fight."
So that was Vance. Then there's Tom.
Tom is the energetic "idea" guy. He's the one who came from Atlanta two months ago to seek his fortune in the Big City.
Every day he tells us about these fabulous ideas he has to make a million dollars in six months. And most of his ideas, like opening a revolutionary **new** kind of store where you can get whatever you wanted printed on a t-shirt, have been done before or aren't very good.
Last night he was talking to us about how his friend and him came up with this character called Jesus in Santa Monica. The idea behind the character is that if Jesus came back today, he would be a fish out of water. Like when you go to Santa Monica.
....
You know, like, Jesus goes out with some friends to a diner and they skimp on the tip and leave in a hurry. Then the waitress comes by and screams at Jesus because it looks like HE skimped on the tip. And then Jesus says, "I forgive you" and makes the guys he was with throw up blood as punishment.
....
Yeah.
So he's upset because his friend and roommate has taken the idea and turned it into his film project for school. The roommate is even talking about taking the character further and trying to start some kind of franchise based on Jesus in Santa Monica.
Tom was really upset about this. Fights had ensued. Words were had. Their longtime friendship was on the rocks.
But the roommate stealing the idea wasn't his main concern.
"We've been friends for so long. And now we don't talk to each other. I don't even CARE about this stupid character anymore. I just want my friend back. But I feel like it's all changed now. That trust, that camaraderie, it's all gone. And I'm afraid we'll never get it back."
Touched by Tom's vulnerability, I decided there was no way his friend would be able to resist honesty like that.
"Well, Tom," I said, "Have you told your friend exactly that? I mean, JUST like how you're telling us right now?"
"Of course I did," Tom replied earnestly. "I went into his room and told him he was a total F_3$%ing a#$9hole and that I wasn't gonna put up with it anymore."
Right.
The guys in the office are so ghetto, if you cut them gangsta rap comes out.
It got so bad at one point that I really and truly had to excuse myself.
Now, you have to understand, 42nd Floorers, I AM NOT RACIST! My siblings and I were raised with the assistance of a number of ethnic women who lived in our home and taught us that, yes, our skin may be different, but deep down, we're all still regular people.
But sometimes I wish I could use the N word every once in a while. I mean, geeze. THEY get to. I guess the reason I can't is because my ancestors never experienced discrimination. That makes sense.
Street fights (yes, as in this) came up as a topic of conversation. Someone asked me if I had ever been in a street fight. And after my declaration that "You don't F___ with the Fork", I made a 180 and assured them that, no, I had never been in a fight before, with or without hadoukens.
Vance, the 23 year old goth geek who thinks he knows EVERYTHING, found this impossible to believe.
"Fork, at some point in your life, you WILL be forced into a fight with someone on the street."
"No I won't," I said.
"Let me give you a scenario. You're on the subway, minding your own business, when a guy gets on who looks like he's really really pissed. It's really crowded and his feet bump against yours. He looks at you and shouts, 'WHY'D YOU KICK ME, KID?!' What do you do?"
"Uhh...I guess...if he's a big, angry guy, I'd diffuse this potential confrontation by just saying sorry and going back to my book."
"..............You would?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
"What?"
"You mean...you wouldn't stand up and tell him that you didn't kick him and that he's an effing psycho who needs to calm down?"
"No. If I did that we'd probably get into a fight."
So that was Vance. Then there's Tom.
Tom is the energetic "idea" guy. He's the one who came from Atlanta two months ago to seek his fortune in the Big City.
Every day he tells us about these fabulous ideas he has to make a million dollars in six months. And most of his ideas, like opening a revolutionary **new** kind of store where you can get whatever you wanted printed on a t-shirt, have been done before or aren't very good.
Last night he was talking to us about how his friend and him came up with this character called Jesus in Santa Monica. The idea behind the character is that if Jesus came back today, he would be a fish out of water. Like when you go to Santa Monica.
....
You know, like, Jesus goes out with some friends to a diner and they skimp on the tip and leave in a hurry. Then the waitress comes by and screams at Jesus because it looks like HE skimped on the tip. And then Jesus says, "I forgive you" and makes the guys he was with throw up blood as punishment.
....
Yeah.
So he's upset because his friend and roommate has taken the idea and turned it into his film project for school. The roommate is even talking about taking the character further and trying to start some kind of franchise based on Jesus in Santa Monica.
Tom was really upset about this. Fights had ensued. Words were had. Their longtime friendship was on the rocks.
But the roommate stealing the idea wasn't his main concern.
"We've been friends for so long. And now we don't talk to each other. I don't even CARE about this stupid character anymore. I just want my friend back. But I feel like it's all changed now. That trust, that camaraderie, it's all gone. And I'm afraid we'll never get it back."
Touched by Tom's vulnerability, I decided there was no way his friend would be able to resist honesty like that.
"Well, Tom," I said, "Have you told your friend exactly that? I mean, JUST like how you're telling us right now?"
"Of course I did," Tom replied earnestly. "I went into his room and told him he was a total F_3$%ing a#$9hole and that I wasn't gonna put up with it anymore."
Right.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Forkulele Friday: Gangsta's Paradise
You asked for it, you got it. Coolio's poetic tribute to the plight of the urban black man--au ukulele. May it never be said I don't give my homies what they want.
This one was quite a challenge. It took three days of work to get to the final recording. The first day was spent just learning to say all those words. Yo.
As the original song was created on a mixer, I felt like it would be okay to simply record about ten passes on the four chord progression, then copying and pasting for the rest of the song. Don't hold it against me. I'm not planning on playing this live. Ever. I don't have health insurance. Or a bullet-proof vest.
Still, who can really hate a Robert Preston-esque spin on this classic? Trouble in River City, indeed.
Happy Friday, my crackaz!
This one was quite a challenge. It took three days of work to get to the final recording. The first day was spent just learning to say all those words. Yo.
As the original song was created on a mixer, I felt like it would be okay to simply record about ten passes on the four chord progression, then copying and pasting for the rest of the song. Don't hold it against me. I'm not planning on playing this live. Ever. I don't have health insurance. Or a bullet-proof vest.
Still, who can really hate a Robert Preston-esque spin on this classic? Trouble in River City, indeed.
Happy Friday, my crackaz!
Click here to go there!
Free Song
Today's Forkulele Friday is turning out to be a lot more challenging than I thought. The chorus has some high notes that I'm not ready to hit. The clock is still on AM and high notes simply do not pour from this throat until at LEAST 12:45--and here I was thinking I could just roll out of bed and pull a Pavarotti.
I need to get some coffee.
Don't worry. I'll be finished today. It's gonna be good...
I need to get some coffee.
Don't worry. I'll be finished today. It's gonna be good...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Video Gamez
Work has become mind-numbingly tedious.
I mean, tedious in a good way.
Meh?
'Metal Soldier Disaster Squad DS' is an old school 2D run and gun arcade-style shooter. It's so difficult, one of the testers observed, "Dude, yo, beating this game would mean, like, you could beat anything else for the rest of your life. And I'm not just talkin' video games. I'm talkin', like, every test you ever take, or anything that's hard. It's like, 'Yeah, that was hard. But it wasn't as hard as Metal Soldier Disaster Squad' knowwhatIsayyn?"
One of the guys at work is this gaunt little guy who just turned 23. And like most 23 year olds, he speaks with authority on all subjects and thinks he's much wiser than he really is.
And he's also a goth kid.
So he's mad at the government and religion for enslaving humanity.
He's also offended by broad stereotypes.
I wanted to hold up a full-length mirror to him at that point and say, "Everything you're wearing was purchased at Hot Topic. Get a clue."
He's also an athiest.
And a self-taught demonologist. Oh, I'm sorry. Daemonologist. Forgot the silent A there.
Yeah. The kid is a walking contradiction. But he likes me because when he says things like, "The Bible is full of errors", I respond with, "The Bible is easily the most carefully preserved text in history". Then HE responds with, "Well, I don't believe it anyway," to which I respond (in an uncharacteristically civil tone), "Then what difference does your previous statement make? Why attempt to defend your stance on Biblical inaccuracies if the whole thing is just a humbug?"
So yeah. There's him.
And then there's Skateboarding Charlie.
He's a whole nuther topic of conversation. He's the guy from Atlanta who moved here two months ago. And since he moved here, I don't think he's stopped talking for five minutes.
My "temp work" employer's wife had a baby last night. That's exciting, isn't it? My "boss", however, was really kind of dispassionate about the whole thing. He's a really quiet sort who doesn't get excited easily. I would ask if he wanted a boy or a girl (they hadn't checked) and he kinda just said, "Meh. Whatever." I asked about names. "Meh, I don't really like any names." I asked about Christmas. "Meh, I don't really like holidays. They're so commercial."
I'm really in need of that check from ol' Georgie Bush. If I don't play Grand Theft Schmauto 4, my remaining toenails may just pop off and go play it without me. But in order to play the game, I have to upgrade. Yes. That's right. I'll probably go the Blu-Ray route, even though I have very little interest in that particular piece of expensive technology. I mean, geeze. Just when you get comfortable building up a collection of DVDs, they switch formats on you.
Okay. Time to get to work on this week's Forkulele Friday song. It may take a while.
I mean, tedious in a good way.
Meh?
'Metal Soldier Disaster Squad DS' is an old school 2D run and gun arcade-style shooter. It's so difficult, one of the testers observed, "Dude, yo, beating this game would mean, like, you could beat anything else for the rest of your life. And I'm not just talkin' video games. I'm talkin', like, every test you ever take, or anything that's hard. It's like, 'Yeah, that was hard. But it wasn't as hard as Metal Soldier Disaster Squad' knowwhatIsayyn?"
One of the guys at work is this gaunt little guy who just turned 23. And like most 23 year olds, he speaks with authority on all subjects and thinks he's much wiser than he really is.
And he's also a goth kid.
So he's mad at the government and religion for enslaving humanity.
He's also offended by broad stereotypes.
I wanted to hold up a full-length mirror to him at that point and say, "Everything you're wearing was purchased at Hot Topic. Get a clue."
He's also an athiest.
And a self-taught demonologist. Oh, I'm sorry. Daemonologist. Forgot the silent A there.
Yeah. The kid is a walking contradiction. But he likes me because when he says things like, "The Bible is full of errors", I respond with, "The Bible is easily the most carefully preserved text in history". Then HE responds with, "Well, I don't believe it anyway," to which I respond (in an uncharacteristically civil tone), "Then what difference does your previous statement make? Why attempt to defend your stance on Biblical inaccuracies if the whole thing is just a humbug?"
So yeah. There's him.
And then there's Skateboarding Charlie.
He's a whole nuther topic of conversation. He's the guy from Atlanta who moved here two months ago. And since he moved here, I don't think he's stopped talking for five minutes.
My "temp work" employer's wife had a baby last night. That's exciting, isn't it? My "boss", however, was really kind of dispassionate about the whole thing. He's a really quiet sort who doesn't get excited easily. I would ask if he wanted a boy or a girl (they hadn't checked) and he kinda just said, "Meh. Whatever." I asked about names. "Meh, I don't really like any names." I asked about Christmas. "Meh, I don't really like holidays. They're so commercial."
I'm really in need of that check from ol' Georgie Bush. If I don't play Grand Theft Schmauto 4, my remaining toenails may just pop off and go play it without me. But in order to play the game, I have to upgrade. Yes. That's right. I'll probably go the Blu-Ray route, even though I have very little interest in that particular piece of expensive technology. I mean, geeze. Just when you get comfortable building up a collection of DVDs, they switch formats on you.
Okay. Time to get to work on this week's Forkulele Friday song. It may take a while.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Any Requests?
Missed this Forkulele Friday thanks to the craaaaazy new job eating into my free time. As I was trying to think of which song I would do if I DID have the time to make a recording of one, I got to thinking...are there any songs you guys just gotta hear on the ukulele? I'm taking requests!
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